Just found out that I have a half-sister out there somewhere........

I'm looking for articles or a support system on the topic of finding out that you have a half-sister. I am 39 years old and my mom just told me that she had given a baby girl up for adoption back in 1965. It was a closed adoption and since so many years had passed, she thought that she would have already pursued looking for her birth mother. Mom found out about a month ago that she began the process to have her entire adoption case disclosed. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, wanted me to be involved in the decision-making process and decide whether we checked the box "no contact" or checked the box "contact allowed, but through agency rep". After long discussion, we decided to check the latter, as we wanted her to be able to find her bmom and her half sister if she so desired. I am a social worker and professionally, I know how I should act and how I should support my mother; however, I have a wave of emotions going through my body, mind and soul and don't know what to do with them. Sometimes I'm angry, sad and happy. I've cried for the last 7 days since I found out. It's very hard to adjust to the idea that you are not the only child and you may not have the only grandchild. My mom was in college and the boyfriend was not a nice person, hence, had nothing to do with her after she found out she was pregnant. My grandparents had to send my mom out-of-state to some kind of home for girls to await the birth of the child. After she was born and all parental rights were terminated, my mom and my grandparents never mentioned it again. Years and years went by, with no word from the child she gave up for adoption. The woman is now 44 and just started the search. My mom stressed to me, as we are Catholic, that she never though about abortion and that she only wanted the child to go to a loving family who could give her the life that my mom was not able to give her. If anyone is going through this or has any ideas, or personal stories, I would love to hear about them. Also, I haven't seen any books about this and would love to read them if they are out there. Thanks for your support! "Shocked"

Shocked, Just wantedto offer a little support. I can't imagine how surprising that must be to find out you have a sister. Give yourself some time to digest the information but don't project on what could happen. Your sister may not be looking to displace you from your position in the family at all and just be looking for her biological in formation. She may very well be inscounced in her own family and is just looking for that missing information for herself and her children. Just because your biologically related does not mean you have to have a relationship. I am wondering if atthis point its not actually about the sister but more about your mom keeping that information from you? I can understand feeling a little betrayed and upset. I know when I found my biofamily(bmom), I had NO intention of dispalcing, hurting, or upsetting my sibs. I totally understood that we were two different families with 2 diffeernt upbringings. I loved my afamily warts andall and really idenified them as my family but itwsa nice to know who I was bilogicalally realted to(other then my childrem)...and I needed to know my bioloigical info FOR my children. I firmly beleive that because Iwas sperated from my biofamiliy that it is impossible to go back and become immediate family. My childhood was with my afamily not biomom so all my experiances as seen from a childs eye and processed from a childs eye can only be from my a family. You can't go back. The same holds true here.

Hi Shocked, I cannot even begin to imagine the thoughts going through your head as I am the flip side, a daughter adopted out... Please read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. Your mom lived through a time when single pregnant females were not treated well at all, you will be shocked. And after the birth were told to "never talk about it", "get married and forget all about it". They were not provided with any support services to deal with the grief of not being allowed to raise their child, most familiies never mentioned it again so the mother had to bottle all the pain, grief and anger deep inside, hold their head up and hope no one discovered their secret. Some never even told their husbands. On the flip side, those of us adopted were also aware that we were secrets, what would happen if we searched? Did our mother tell her husband and chldren? How much pain would we cause if we found our birth family? All those thoughts ran through our heads, could we search and risk it? Many chose not to, myself included because we did not want to cause pain. I did choose to passively search but that came to nothing. But I always wanted to know my birth family. Also, sealed records made it very difficult to search unless someone knew someone the chances were slim to none. I did not search until I had severe medical issues and the court opened my records. My mother had already passed away by then and I was met with hositility by my half-siblings...and years later that has not changed. Please, please go into this with an open mind. Remember that you meet people each day and some become friends, give that same chance to your sister. Your sister has done what is probably the hardest thing an adoptee can do, reach out knowing there is a good chance of being rejected. Rejection is one of the biggest and most common fears adoptees have and most have felt the fear of rejection thoughout all facets of their life. As Dpen said, chances are she simply wants the chance to know you, have questions answered, see if there is a connection. We have so many questions from the simplest, who do I look like, does my face fit as we have no reference to compare to, where does my personality come from...to what nationality am I and what were my ancestors like, what struggles did they face. So many life questions that most people have always known are completely unknown to us. Do set your own boundries so that you have your comfort level. Do understand that your mom will have so many painful memories bombarding her, and she may go into a honeymoon period where it is all about your sister or she may shut down for a time due to emotional overload. Just being their for your mom without judgement or jealousy is probably the best way to help your mom with her emotions. Reunions are roller coasters and feelings of turmoil and feeling like a teenager are all normal. Take care and post often, hopefully we can give you the info you need to make this a great reunion that creates ties to last a life time. A sister/friend can be wonderful if you give it a chance. Kind regards,Dickons

Dear Shocked, Hi. I am Janey. It's been 32 years now since I left the courthouse and walked away. Only in the last year have I begun to touch on what the others have spoken of here; the pain of the Closed Era and its message of "forget and go on" and "your children will never need to know you, don't ever expect them back at your door". It is difficult to describe to another human being how deeply that message effected those of us who heard it; who lived through the pain and denial behind it. From my experience only, I would venture to guess that your mom is being bombarded - as Dickons so brilliantly said - by the past; every nuance, every emotion, every detail is likely flying at her at a mile a minute. Give her time to process. Give yourself time as well. This stuff is not easy in any way, form or fashion and everyone involved needs to be kind to themselves now. Hugs to you and keep posting to us, okay? :grouphug:

Shocked, It is nice of you to share your story. We met in chat the other day. As I said to you then as now I hope you and your mom will give her a chance. She may only want medical history or she may want to get to know your mom and you. As Dpen6 stated in her message you can't go back which is true but you can go forward. This is a rare opportunity you have she is after your half sister biologically. I think once you and your mom get over the emotional impact of this I believe strongly that something good will come from this. As an adoptee I ask that you give her a chance she had no choice in her adoption. she is not a secret she is a human being afterall. As I was saying to you the other day put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if you were her. Anyway take your time this is a very emotional period don't rush it. It can be a very exciting time wow to have a sister could be pretty special. One last thing don't expect much from this but be pleasantly surprised if things do work out. I wish you and your mom all the best. I know in my heart you and your mom will do the right thing. Take care and God bless!

Shocked,I really feel for you. I know an experience like that can be very traumatic, especially after all of these years so I would definitely love to offer support. It's unfortunate that their really aren't many resources available out there as far as adoption is concerned. i recently found out on my own that I was adopted and I'm still feeling the horrific effe

Hi Shocked! I can't imagine being in your position, but I can imagine being your sister. One of the reasons I haven't made contact is because I worry about what it would do to a family who has been getting along without me. In my case, if I wanted to contact, it would be for medical info and to see where I came from. I have a wonderful (adoptive) family, but some thing are just part of your DNA. I'd love to see someone I look like! Take your time with this. Your feelings are just as important as everyone elses. I think getting information through an intermediary makes great sense in your case. They say the best reunions are the ones that go slow and take time to grow. Good luck, and I hope you get all the support you need here.

Thanks so much for your support! My mom didn't want to pursue her, as she didn't feel like she had the right to break up her life, as she knew it and she was also afraid that her aparents may have not told her that she was adopted. Mom has sent all of her medical records to her. Mom also let the agency know that she would be glad to meet her, if she wanted to, and that she didn't care what the bfather said. We'll see. We are keeping an open mind and that "shock" (for me) is wearing off some. I think that this site is great! Did your aparents ever tell you why they didn't tell you that you were adopted?

Alot of what you had said in this post applies to my life and what I know after after recieving my non-id info. I have sent you a personal message to see if we can compare some more things... I doubt its nothing but need to make sure. I look forward from hearing from you soon.

Just like Dickons said~ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the girls that went away. And do you have a update? :)

i have a similar story to yours in that I recently found out I have a half sister. My father had a child out of wedlock 3 years befor I was born. He then left that woman and married my mother and had me. He never spoke to the woman or his child after my sisters 6th birthday. She found us last year but My mother was VERY upset at the though of me, my brothers or father having a relationship with my sister so we left it alone until this year in which i started speaking to my sister and we have had a very Rocky relationship since then. I would like to start a support group with people similar to me and maybe we can help each other adjust to a new sibling in our lives and also the resentment they feel towards us for being the child or children that were raised by the parent.

sophia1624, I just found out I have a sister as well. Actually, 3 sisters. It's a LONG story. I knew about two of them who had been adopted, and I had just recently made contact with them, when I was told I have another sister whom I knew nothing about. I'm the only person I know in this situation and am looking for anyone who has similar experiences/feelings. What is the latest with your support group, and have you found any useful resources you can share?

Hi Shocked, I am in the same situation as you are although I found out 10 years ago that I have a half sister. I am from NZ and moved to Australia to be closer to my sister as I wanted to be close with her. I want some help as well as there dosn't seem to be much out there for the non-adoptee siblings. Although I love my sister and my beautiful 3 nieces and wouldn't change it for the world, it dosn't make it any easier (and I don't blame her at all). I now have to share my sister with my mum, and I have a lot of jealousy towards her. It is at the point where it is getting worse and I am actually going to counselling for the first time in 2 days to help me work through things. I have huge empathy for people who have been adopted and going through the whole process of finding their family but I also feel for the siblings they find. I'm not saying I wouldnt change what happened, I just wish it were easier to accept. I don't want to upset anyone and I am glad I have found this forum to help myself and also help other people through the same situation. I had mixed emotions when I found out and was so happy to meet her, this is why I moved closer. But now I feel as though I am the one doing all of the trying and I am being made feel like it is my fault. I have tried to talk to her but she gets upset and says she wish she never upset me by finding me. How do I deal with a comment like that, I never said I didn't want her in my life as she found me and I love that, I am not a bad person and just want her to visit me like I aways visit her etc.... I won't go on but I would love some support just like you Shocked. Lots of love to everyone out there in the adoption circle. :)

I think the best way to put it is that it isn't about u anymore. Your half sister has gone through so much wondering all her life who she is, etc. It is time for her to find out information so that she can fill in those holes in the puzzle. I found my family thru my aunt. Missed my mother by two months. My aunt told me I had a brother and two sisters. She wasn't going to but when she told her husband about me and wondered what she was going to do regarding my siblings...........tell them or not tell them, her husband (my uncle) said, it is not about you and it is not about whether u tell them or not, it is for them to decide.............I know u are shocked, I know it isn't fair all these secrets.........but that is what happened and how things were done then. Now is the time to embrace the fact that you have a sister and maybe other family members, look forward to the new chapter in your life's book. I am so happy I found my sisters and brother, I thank God everyday. Wrap your hands around your heart for you, give yourself a big hug, and gather the strength and go find your sister, girl!

I'm sorry for what you are feeling. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I am an adoptee, and a couple years ago I found out I have a half sister. I get angry because on the one hand I understand the privacy that the birth mother wants but on the other hand, I have a SISTER. Someone I have always longed for. Yay.....I have struggled with relationships to women, but absolutely know that loving a sister would be like the love I have for my children. Hang in there, try to put yourself in her shoes too...