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shocked
I'm looking for articles or a support system on the topic of finding out that you have a half-sister. I am 39 years old and my mom just told me that she had given a baby girl up for adoption back in 1965. It was a closed adoption and since so many years had passed, she thought that she would have already pursued looking for her birth mother. Mom found out about a month ago that she began the process to have her entire adoption case disclosed. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, wanted me to be involved in the decision-making process and decide whether we checked the box "no contact" or checked the box "contact allowed, but through agency rep". After long discussion, we decided to check the latter, as we wanted her to be able to find her bmom and her half sister if she so desired.
I am a social worker and professionally, I know how I should act and how I should support my mother; however, I have a wave of emotions going through my body, mind and soul and don't know what to do with them. Sometimes I'm angry, sad and happy. I've cried for the last 7 days since I found out. It's very hard to adjust to the idea that you are not the only child and you may not have the only grandchild. My mom was in college and the boyfriend was not a nice person, hence, had nothing to do with her after she found out she was pregnant. My grandparents had to send my mom out-of-state to some kind of home for girls to await the birth of the child. After she was born and all parental rights were terminated, my mom and my grandparents never mentioned it again. Years and years went by, with no word from the child she gave up for adoption. The woman is now 44 and just started the search.
My mom stressed to me, as we are Catholic, that she never though about abortion and that she only wanted the child to go to a loving family who could give her the life that my mom was not able to give her.
If anyone is going through this or has any ideas, or personal stories, I would love to hear about them.
Also, I haven't seen any books about this and would love to read them if they are out there.
Thanks for your support!
"Shocked"
I know how you must feel... My adoptive mother had 2 children in the 50's and both were placed for adoption..
Roll forward to 1959 my adoptive mom gave birth to a 3rd child.. SHe and her husband raised this lil girl.. Roll forward to 1963 and thats when I was adopted..
Now we roll forward to 1999 and my adoptive mom informs us that we have a brother she had placed for adoption and he had made contact.. Well, it was her eldest daughter who had found her and we were promptly told that we did NOT have a brother..
We reunited with sister #1 and she is awesome...
roll forward to April 2010 and we find out in fact that we do have a brother out there somewhere...
We have yet to find our brother...
I have 4 known siblings some where from my birth mom. 2 were placed for adoption between 1960 and 1962..
The twins born between 1953 and 1955 were raised by her mom....
I am the baby of all 8 of these kids.
I only know the sister I was raised with and my eldest sister ... I have not meet any of my birth family...
BUT, I can tell you this much... I am tickled that we have been reunited with my adoptive moms eldest daughter....
I would love to meet my birth family, find our other brother...
I understand the mixed emotions...
I have been through being mad, accepting the lies and secrets, Happy at reuniting with 1 and the potential for 6 more, now I am just depressed....
It is not easy on anyone involved...
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shocked
I'm looking for articles or a support system on the topic of finding out that you have a half-sister. I am 39 years old and my mom just told me that she had given a baby girl up for adoption back in 1965. It was a closed adoption and since so many years had passed, she thought that she would have already pursued looking for her birth mother. Mom found out about a month ago that she began the process to have her entire adoption case disclosed. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, wanted me to be involved in the decision-making process and decide whether we checked the box "no contact" or checked the box "contact allowed, but through agency rep". After long discussion, we decided to check the latter, as we wanted her to be able to find her bmom and her half sister if she so desired.
I am a social worker and professionally, I know how I should act and how I should support my mother; however, I have a wave of emotions going through my body, mind and soul and don't know what to do with them. Sometimes I'm angry, sad and happy. I've cried for the last 7 days since I found out. It's very hard to adjust to the idea that you are not the only child and you may not have the only grandchild. My mom was in college and the boyfriend was not a nice person, hence, had nothing to do with her after she found out she was pregnant. My grandparents had to send my mom out-of-state to some kind of home for girls to await the birth of the child. After she was born and all parental rights were terminated, my mom and my grandparents never mentioned it again. Years and years went by, with no word from the child she gave up for adoption. The woman is now 44 and just started the search.
My mom stressed to me, as we are Catholic, that she never though about abortion and that she only wanted the child to go to a loving family who could give her the life that my mom was not able to give her.
If anyone is going through this or has any ideas, or personal stories, I would love to hear about them.
Also, I haven't seen any books about this and would love to read them if they are out there.
Thanks for your support!
"Shocked"
I understand you and your feelings. I'm 53 and ten years ago found my birth mother and discovered i had a half brother and 2 half sisters on her side. I was told that I possibly had 2 half brothers on the alleged father's side as well. After brief period I located them as well but was in effect "turned away". Well of course I simply could not live with that forever so after a few yers of letting it lie I tried again. During that time I also discovered there was a half sister as well. In tha past 48 hours I have met over a dozen relatives, aunt's, uncles, cousins, AND one of the brothers. I feel like a saturated sponge who can not soak up another drop so I obviously have my own issues to process. Therefore I am not the person to offer lengthy advice, on this one anyway. What I will say to you to remember this. Your sister is not to blame. She is not at fault. She does not deserve to be neglected, ignored, or punished. She deserves a fair shake by YOU at the very least. I will assume you are a good and fair person. Be that way to her. It will be one of the greatest gifts you will ever give, or that she will ever receive. And I wish all of your family patience and success.
I am a sister to two full blood brothers. I found my birthparents when I was 40. My brothers did not know I existed. One of my brothers was like Prince Charming at first and swooped in with a vengeance then I believe I overwhelmed him or he found himself overwhelmed. My other brother who my birthmother said cried when he was told is the one who maintains contact. He had always wanted a sister he told my mother. He is the younger of the two. It tears me up that I do not have direct contact with my oldest brother the one just younger than I am. My mother says "b--- was furious you searched for him" I did after I lost contact. He just stopped calling. It tears me up. I miss him. We have seen each other since but he doesn't call or email just hears how I am through my birth mother. It's like they all protect each other. It makes me feel so lost all over again. If you do find your sister please go easy on her and don't do this to her.
I just found out I have a half sister and I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed. I am 40, with 4 young children, and a wife. My half sister lives a 1000 miles away, her children are grown and gone.
I am a man and I am pretty closed off emotionally and I just don't even know what to feel at this point. I have spoken to her and she is a nice person but there was not a huge connection for me. I have many different feelings including, guilt, sadness, and anger.
It is apparent that my half sister wants to resume some type of close relationship and I am just not there. I think maybe that has something to do with the stages we are at in our lives i.e. she is an empty nester and I am raising four young children. I can honestly say that if one of my full siblings, that I grew up with, lived 1000 miles away I would only speak to them on holidays and birthdays, if that. My feelings for her are closer to that of a cousin rather than a half sister. Is that bad? Should I expect more out of myself with this relationship?
My half sister also thinks our Father is a "demi God" and does no wrong. They have met ONE time! I grew up with the man and that just isn't the case, AT ALL. Of course our Father thinks she is perfect, as well, and that just isn't realistic to me either. In my opinion, the entire relationship between the two seems destined to fail.
This isn't intented to offend anyone but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there.
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BMF -
Your post is interesting. It took me a moment to figure out you are not the adoptee in this situation.
First - NO, you are not bad or wrong for feeling as you do. They are your feelings, and you are always entitled to them.
It's common that your sister feels your father is a "demi-God," as you write. She may be feeling like she is on a honeymoon, sort of speak. You have children - remember what it was like the first moments you held each of your babies? That is what your father and his daughter (your "half" sister) are experiencing. You don't, and likely won't, feel the same way. How could you?
I can tell you that I reunited with my bfather before my sisters (half sisters by your definition) were even born. We are almost twenty years apart in age! I love them and want to know them, but it takes time. Honor who you are. You don't have to have constant contact to show you care.
I agree don't force yourself to be more "engaged" in the relationship than you can be. It will develop if it's meant to develop. I think it's great for a man to be interested in finding out more about how other people relate in these situations. Taking the initiative to comment here shows your concern. It seems there aren't a lot of men who comment or maybe I just don't recognize they are male.
My brothers mean a lot to me but I do believe that our styles of interacting are different. I am verbose. I put my feelings into words right out there. I think that it took my husband to help me see that I can be overwhelming to them, my brothers. He did it gently.
I take his advice seriously but I am like a spaniel dog with my tail wagging my head at times because I am so happy to hear from them.
I understand what you are saying about your sister's perspective about your father. I was like that at first with my birthfather. I thought he could walk on water. I am sure it gave his ego a boost. He went through a tough time. But I understand why in my case that happened. I had my adopted mother and my father left very early when I was four so having a father was huge for me. I am extremely fortunate to have found both of them despite the fact that the relationship is not as intense as I expected.
People can only give what they have to give. I would rather receive the real McCoy. I wouldn't want anyone to feel obligated to interact so I think if you make whatever amount of contact you can it's good.
Thank you for the responses, your words meant a lot. It is obvious that my father and I are in different places. Maybe I will have more intense feelings as time goes on.
I tell my wife that a man's love grows. When our children were born she had already been loving them for 9 months and I was like, hey you, I am your Dad, nice to meet you. Of course words cannot describe my love for them today.
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I really feel for you, and would love to know how things turned out for you.
I just found out recently that I have a half sister. I am in my mid thirties and she's some years older. My mom was not in a strong relationship and had no contact with the father after she told him she was giving up her baby. My mom and I have an extremely close relationship and I thought we could talk about just about anything. Turns out not. My first thought is that I would lvoe to meet her but I also feel betrayeed by my mom, for keeping this a secret for so long. I am a professional counsellor and am experienced in dealing with tough family issues but it's so much harder when it's my own family. Her birthday is the day before mine so my mom told me that my birthdya has always been a really hard day for her. Then I felt guilty! I don't think that's fair; while Ihave read the history and know a bit about how it was back then, that doesn't give her the right ot put this on me.
The other problem is that my half sister posted information on an online search a few years ago but my mom just decided recently to contact her and watned to give me the heads up first. I guess I should be grateful for that. However, my sister's contact information is out of date and we only know her birth name, not her adopted name, so we can't even go searching for her. I may never get to find out more about her, so I almost wish my mom had kept it to herself after all these years, until she actually had firm contact.
My mind and emotions are all over the place in the few weeks since she told me and I don't know how to handle this. Please, thoughts are welcome.
All I can say is please if you are going to make contact with your siblings, don't just do what my half sister did and just drift in and out of their lives. She has wrought havoc on my mother's life as well as mine by doing that. She was all gung ho at first. Now it's just the odd email. I will admit I probably didn't do quite so well when the subject of her feeling abandoned came up. I told her she had lucked out. Her life has been infinitely better than mine ever was. I had to deal with a great deal of psychological abuse, particularly from my grandmother which got worse after my half sister was born and adopted - long story - and went on for 22 years. Let's just say granny was not an angel and certainly had no room to pass judgement on anyone.
There may be issues like that, and both sides have to deal with them forthrightly and accept them. And yes there may be some resentment. Be prepared to deal with that, one way or the other.
Good morning Shocked!
I am an adoptee and recently contacted b-dad and his family are in your shoes. So it is really interesting for me to read what is going through your mind as I bet it is similar to theirs.
This sister wants to know her mother which is her mother, and doesn't want to replace anything in your household (I would hope). As I don't want to take the place of my b-dad's oldest daughter, but hopefully add to the family dynamic, not take away from anything.
It is a lot of emotion for both parties. Right now, I am feeling 'rejected' from my bdad's family as I am viewed as the plague at the moment because this is a huge shocker. I am taking their feelings into consideration but they haven't taken mine into consideration (except b-dad). So it is a shocker for you, she knows that, she doesn't want to hurt anyone. Just remember that. =) This can be a great experience or an awful experience.
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"Shocked,
Just wantedto offer a little support.
I can't imagine how surprising that must be to find out you have a sister. Give yourself some time to digest the information but don't project on what could happen. Your sister may not be looking to displace you from your position in the family at all and just be looking for her biological in formation. She may very well be inscounced in her own family and is just looking for that missing information for herself and her children. Just because your biologically related does not mean you have to have a relationship.
I am wondering if atthis point its not actually about the sister but more about your mom keeping that information from you? I can understand feeling a little betrayed and upset.
I know when I found my biofamily(bmom), I had NO intention of dispalcing, hurting, or upsetting my sibs. I totally understood that we were two different families with 2 diffeernt upbringings. I loved my afamily warts andall and really idenified them as my family but itwsa nice to know who I was bilogicalally realted to(other then my childrem)...and I needed to know my bioloigical info FOR my children. I firmly beleive that because Iwas sperated from my biofamiliy that it is impossible to go back and become immediate family. My childhood was with my afamily not biomom so all my experiances as seen from a childs eye and processed from a childs eye can only be from my a family. You can't go back. The same holds true here."
This is such a dumb and dangerous reply. What bollocks! Many adoptees go back and are fully welcomed into their biological family. Also, one's half siblings have every right to know they have a sibling out there. Stop listening to the lies that adoptees have to walk on eggshells. Your advice, and your ideas, is nauseating.
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