Betrayed

It was done privately through an attorney. And as far as leaning on them emotionally, maybe they saw it that way, but I was just doing what we had done before the adoption.

You stated this brilliantly, Peachy. This is the reality I've lived with for over 37 years now. What really makes me sick and angry is that it is still happening to birth/first moms in today's "enlightened" world. Even with open adoption, I have to wonder if adoption and the stereotypes and myths associated with it have really changed at all in the past 40 to 50 years. It's the same old line, only now it's being used on a younger generation.

I am so sorry Mandi. I do not have any words of wisdom. This journey is not easy. I hope that in the future they see the error of their ways and open your adoption again. Maybe they are having their own difficulties and it has nothing really to do with you. Could they be having financial or marriage difficulties that maybe they do not want you to know about??

Raven--I believe that it has not changed ONE BIT..

As an adoptive parent from the "closed" era, I honestly feel you are right about this. But also remember that the same people who encourage birthmoms to "do the right thing and give your child to a couple who can give him what you can't" etc. are also telling adoptive parents"say what the birthmom wants to hear", "don't be too rigid in your attitudes", "agree to anything verbally, just don't put it in writing" and the big one -- "Once the papers are signed you can go home, close the door and be a NORMAL family with your baby!" Well, you can't feel normal if you are taking daily -- or weekly -- phone calls from birth mom. Every conversation reminds the adoptive parents that their child belonged to someone else first! So, what is the best way to wipe out that feeling? Delete the birth mother from their life! And everyone -- except the birth mother -- will be okay with that because "It's your baby now. You don't want him/her confused. It will be better for the birthmother -- she needs to get over it and move on. The law is on your side. etc." No one ever stands up and tells adoptive parents that they are selfish liars (except for people here, and the adoptive parents probably aren't reading this). Until there is some way to legally enforce an open adoption in all states, birth mothers are going to be at the mercy of parents who want to have "normal" families -- even if that means pretending the b-mom does not exist.

MamaS - Bravo...that was a brilliant (and very honest) post. Thank you for telling it the way it really is. :loveyou:

[QUOTE=MamaS] No one ever stands up and tells adoptive parents that they are selfish liars (except for people here, and the adoptive parents probably aren't reading this). [/QUOTE I'm here and reading this. I do agree with what everyone is saying. We need adoption reform so badly in this country. I don't know where to begin. Its just so sad. There must be some way for pre adoption contracts to be held up in a court of law. Has anyone ever tried to file a class action suit on behalf of a birth parent in an open adoption? For Mandi: I would not give up. I would send letters and an occaisional gift to my son. I would send updates on my life and any new health info that comes up and occaisional pictures, always letting the afamily know my whereabouts and that I am open to any and all communications from them and "our" son. I'd probably keep copies of all of those letters too....just in case they don't make their way into the hands of DS. Fore someday it will be most important that he know without a doubt that his first/birthmom loved and cherrished him in everyway possible. Most sincerely, Saj

Mandi- I am so very sorry that you're going through this. My heart goes out to you. As an amom it breaks my heart to know that this can happen. We have a semi-open agreement with DD's bmom where we are required to send her 1 letter & pictures every year after DD's bday. When we were in the hospital DH & I decided that we wanted to send her updates more often through email (and we also forward to the agency just in case)- we do this the first of every 3 months. Even though the yearly updates were what was formally agreed upon I can't imagine gonig back on the other unless DD's bmom tells me that it's hard on her. We did have to sign a contract with our agency about the yearly updates. I think even if DD's bmom said that it was hard for her to have the updates I'd probably just send them straight to the agency so she'd have them if she ever wanted to look over them. I agree with everyone- we need some type of regulations / contracts for ALL adoption agreements. It should be the same state by state so it spells everything out and everyone knows what to expect. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I can't imagine how hard it is to process all of this. Is there anyway that you can contact them & have someone mediate? I'm really sorry. This is one of the very negative parts of adoption that sickens me. I will pray that everything turns around.

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: that message is just full of so much hot air :blimp: that some one should just put it out :firefighter: as a firstmom going thru her own issues with her "open" adoption I am so sorry for you. I am sorry to read that there are other "parents" out there who are not comfortable in their ability to parent that they need to spew stuff like this. *There are way too many parents out there who are beautiful and wonderfull people who bend over backwards. DO NOT give up!!! I have come so close to giving up but then I think about the day when the truth will be known and all will laid on the table. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I also agree with what everyone has said to you all ready. Open adoption agreements need to be legally binding in ALL states.

Mandi, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I too am an Amom that on paper am only committed to communication via the agency once or twice a year depending on DD's age. We agreed before we left the state to come home to emails once a month and visits hopefully once a year. I will never go back on my word as I hope DD's bmom doesn't either. It is too important. It just frustrates me to no end that there are people out there that don't hold up to their word. I am sooooo sorry and will pray that you get your update in June.

Mandi ((HUGS)) I am so sorry that this has been done to you. I cannot even comment any further because if I do I KNOW I will get banned from this site. There is so mauch i want to say, but I will just say one thing. I think that all this OA promotion is a rouse to get emoms to place. The APs and agencies both know that once the emom bites,Bmom signs papers and finalization happens, all bets are off. It is like take the baby and run. I have to end now. I am far too pissed to go further. EZ

I'm an adoptee, and I just felt compelled to say something further.Mandi, I agree 100% with you. What these people are doing is detestable, and I truly wish you all the peace in the world. However, let us consider for a moment the feelings of the adoptive parents. I know that issues like this arouse intense feelings from all of us in the forums. These parents probably TRULY do love the OP, and truly feel that this is best. They most likely have no experience on the other end, and all they see is this little baby whom they love with everything in them. They cannot imagine " giving up" the child they love so desperately, and are probably now settling into their lives as a family and would rather forget the tumultuous feelings of their child's birth and placement. They've been given something precious, and it probably hurts them to remember that this beautiful child was not created by them. There way of handling this was not especially commendable, but I think it's unwise and perhaps cruel for those of us on the forums, who have never met these people or the OP, to immediately demonize them. They sound insecure, and these insecurities should NOT be Mandi's problem. She entrusted this child in their care, and she feels betrayed. Bottom line is , though, that they never made a solid agreement either way. This family is doing what feels right for them, and what they think is right for their child. I seriously doubt that their actions stem from a desire to hurt the OP.In their minds and in the eyes of the law, this is their child. In this child's eyes, these people will be his parents. Mandi- my advice is to send a letter once a month, or once every few months. Include happy things, good news, and cheerful poems. Send them every month, without fail, and keep them light. Address them to both the child and his parents.Some will just be for the child, others for the parents. As someone else suggested, keep copies of them. Include in every letter, if you like, a small piece of paper from that weeks newspaper, and keep copies of them as well. Worst case scenario, and you never hear from these people again, that boy will NEVER be able to doubt that he was loved and sought after. One day, you'll have the letters and papers to prove it. And then who will be the bad guys? Hopefully they will give those letters to their son when he is older , but if they don't and you have to wait to get contact again when he is 18, you'll have all the proof he needs.You made an adoption plan, and in adoption , there are no guarantees. Unless you were coerced, forced, or tricked into placement- you gave up your right to parent this child months ago, and you did sowith his best intentions at heart. Here is a question- if you had known that this would happen, would you have placed? What would life have been like? Be honest with yourself. Irregardless of what is happening know, is your son better of with his parents, or would life have been easier and better with you? All things to consider before we let our emotions get the better of us. Does this potential lessening of contact change everything? Does it erase all of the factors that lead you to place to begin with? What were your hopes for this child, and are they being realized?I know that you feel hurt and betrayed, and those seem perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. Hindsight, unfortunately, is 20/20. If these people are as monstrous as you say, then you are already the better person. There is not much you can do, but do the little bit that you can in as dedicated a manner as you can. One day, it will all pay of, and your son will look you in the eye with gratitude and love for the concern you showed all those years( even if his parents are too selfish to show him)What they are doing is terrible, and they are truly weak people for not honoring this child , you as his birthmother who gave him to them, and the promises they made to you (whether formal or not). Many hugs:grouphug: I wish you peace

I too am very sad and sorry that you were betrayed in your relationship with your son's adoptive parents. It makes me sad anytime I hear of adoptive parents changing things from what they are when there really is no reason to, based on the part of the story I know anyway. It makes no sense to me that anyone would feel compelled to do this, because to me, an agreement to openness (as in one letter a year) is just a foundation, something to build on, not an excuse not to continue trying to build an open relationship as much as is possible and healthy. I am sorry that this happened to you, and I hope that they do send not only that letter but find it within themselves to know they aren't doing what needs to be done, for the sake of all of you. I would give just about anything to have the first parents of my children engage in the possibility of having an open and healthy relationship with my children, with our family. It sounds like they have many issues to work through to feel secure as the parents of their child. If they were secure, they wouldn't feel threatened by a growing relationship with you. I wish there was more I can say. I would encourage you to keep trying at this, as a relationship with your son is worth it and you know that. Keep that door open. And mostly, I'm sorry that you have been betrayed like this.

Hey All! Someone very wise in the Adoptive Parent side of the forum once said to me that Closed Adoption and OA are more similar than people think. That just like the people struggling with reunion in the Closed Era, people in OA struggle with it only at the beginning of relinquishment. I, for one, cannot imagine any more challenging journey than adoption. This is a strange road we walk is it not my friends? Both sides trying to do the right thing under tremendous judgement. The slightest fear, the slightest sorrow echoes ten-fold and skews us. We all look to one another to be honorable but because we are human we all sometimes fall short and others are hurt in the process. There should be a sign posted somewhere in honor of those of us who strive to understand and have compassion for one another. A sign posted to those whose fear or prejudice or history keeps them from accepting the rest of us: Warning: the hearts of others lie upon these pathstones; their dreams and hope. We who have traveled before you implore you to tread carefully. This way there be shadows.

Its so great to hear from all sides of the triad! Thanks ladies!!!!I am going to stick to my side of the open adoption, which is to send a letter, savings bond and christmas ornament in decemeber. I am also writing a journal to him, telling him all about my journey and how hard things were for me, why I did what I did and how he came to be and this that and the other.