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I am having a few things going on today that are really getting me in a sad and depressed mood.
First of all, a very dear friend is going to die very soon. It's a woman I've known for most of my life. She found out she had cancer only a couple months ago and she's been on chemo and other things trying to get rid of it and they decided to stop all treatments and just keep her comfortable until the end comes. :(
I feel so bad for her. She started having a pain in her shoulder or somewhere like that and went to the doctor and the next thing she finds out is she full of cancer and nothing can really be done about it except to try the chemo and radiation and whatever other thing that is to try to battle the cancer but it's all so painful and causes her to be so sick she can't stand it. :(
She's been in so much pain she can't stand it and no real relief from it. I just pray she will be able to go "home" soon to be with the Lord so she can be out fo her pain. Although we're all going to miss her, her pain is so intense death is better than what she's dealing with now. :(
The other thing that is getting me depressed is my daughter is again on IGNORE mode. I know she's online. I know she is doing things all the time and regardless of my trying to say hi or just "being here" she ignores me. Won't answer my IM's or emails. I don't write a lot of them just a quick, "hey how ya doin" kind of thing and she just won't answer me.
I know she's online because I see her Icon for the messenger and I see her in game rooms we both like to play and she knows I'm there but won't even acknowledge me. :(
One of the things that upsets me so much is in the past when I've been planning on sending her something (gift card for her b-day or that sort of thing) all I have to do is say, "I have some money for you." or "I have a gift for you." and she'll be IM'ing me all the time acting like my best friend.
She'll ask me for something here and there and once she gets whatever it is I'm sending she'll do the ignore thing again and act like I don't exist. She used to send things back in the mail and I was going to just give up on that kind of thing but one day she tells me that she isn't the one sending things back and would I please "try again". So I did.
When I've asked her after her LONG silences with me what was going on she'll tell me things like, "I wasn't online that was someone ELSE using my account." or "I didn't see you or get your IM's." Or any number of OTHER excuses she has for ignoring me.
I get SO sick of it. If she doesn't want to talk to me fine but don't lie to me when she finally does talk to me.
I don't write a lot of IM's or emails. It's only occasionally and they aren't very long or nosey. They are just the quick ones like I mentioned. Pretty much to just let her know I'm still around and available if she wants to chat.
I just hate this whole thing. I spend so much time thinking about STUFF that I am sending myself crazy here. On top of taking care of my mom and trying to do for myself and the upsetting news of my friend and everything else I don't know how long my brains are going to be in my head and not gray matter all over the ceiling and walls. :(
Rylee
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Rylee, I second quatum, Iam sorry there is so much going on. Thats terrible about your friend its so sad to hear about someone youy love suffering like that, and yes you just want them free of pain no matter how they attain it. as far as your daughter goes I would stop giving her anymore gifts. I would stop trying to contact her and let her take the lead. IF she does contact you asking for something you take the highroad and be very gracious in your refusal. I thinkyour daighter is still pretty young, Iknow, no0 excuse but sometimes a little bit of the benifit ofdoubt canbe given. Ifshe wants to talk about the weather, lite conv's great...but I would leave it at that for now. If you see her on sites then ignore it, I don't think she is ready for anything more now.
Rylee, I'm so sorry about your friend and the difficulty you are having with your daughter.
Can I ask a question? Do you have to go in these same gamerooms that your daughter participates in? It just seems to me like going in there causes you a great deal of stress, so why keep doing that to yourself? Are there other gamerooms you can participate in where she is not a member? I think the constant online montoring is not really good for you. I agree with dpen in that you should let her take the lead. She is not at a place right now where she is responding to you in the way you would like, but there's really nothing you can do about it. Can you let it go somewhat or just accept that for the time being, the relationship is just not what you had hoped for and leave it at that? You have so much more on your plate to deal with and really don't need to keep doing this to yourself. Just MHO.
It's not that I can't go into different rooms. It's that she seems to find me wherever I am and then won't respond when I say something to her when I see her. I usually leave the room when she doesn't respond.
I usually go into the games late at night because that's when my mom is down for the night and I don't have to get intrupted and can just relax.
I've known my daughter for 12 years now and she shouldn't have these childish "don't want to talk to you now" kind of attitudes. If she doesn't want me in her life fine but she yo-yo's it. She's either all there because she wants something or ignores me.
She'll tell me how much she loves me and how sorry she is for her ignoring me and then suddenly she's back to the same old crap and I get really tired of it. REALLY tired of it.
I wish she'd either say, "YES I want you in my life and I love you." and then stay in it or tell me to get the hell out of her life for the rest of her life.
This yo-yo stuff drives me out of my mind. The minute I get used to not having her talking to me and not having her in my life because she ignores me and doesn't want me around, and I'm really OK with it, there she is again telling me she's sorry and how much she wants me around.
I get REALLY tired of it. So tired of it because I can't depend on her. I can't depend on a mature person doing mature things like being honest with what she wants from me and what she expects from me. She gets my emotions so wound up I can't function. It's not right. But nothing I can do about it.
If I didn't need to play games or do something onine to relax after a day of dealing with my mother I wouldn't bother but it helps me relax so I can just not think about anything but winning a game. I know that's stupid but it helps. It really does. It just upsets me when I see my daughter come into the room I'm in just so she can ignore me. You know?
Rylee
Rylee, have you considered joining other game sites than the one your daughter belongs to? I'm an avid gamer...actually a bit of a game junkie. (I used to be a game software tester back in the '90s -- it was my "moonlight" job, and I loved it!) Anyway, if you'd like some names of great game sites that I belong to, just let me know. The two sites that I'm thinking you might enjoy both have guilds just for older adults...it's really cool.
As far as your daughter's behavior goes, it ain't gonna change, hon...at least not at this stage in her life. I think you need to lower your expectations of your reunion, and just accept her the way she is right now. I know it's hard -- I've had similar problems with my son in the past. I think a lot of it may have to do with bipolar disorder...
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Rylee, first, I'm so very sorry to hear about your friend. I will keep her and you in my prayers.
I was reading this and the thought hit me. I am not a gamer, so I don't know how it works. If you don't want to leave those particular sites, could you just set up another account, under a different name? By doing that, your BD wouldn't know you were online at all. She can't, intentionally, ignore you if she doesn't know you are there. Of course, I'm not talking about being sneaky and lying to her about who you are. I'm not talking about communicating with her. I'm advising against that, but at least you could go on playing the games you like and are accustomed to playing. This is probably not the best idea. Raven is right. It would be less painful just to find another sight to play games. Sometimes letting go has to be done in baby steps. HOpe this makes sense.
Thank you for your prayers for my friend and her mom. She asked for prayers for her children as well because of their having such a hard time with the upcoming death of their grandma. They are having a very hard time dealing with it.
Part of the reason is because they love her so much but also they lost their other grandmother only 6 months ago from cancer as well and this is taking it's toll on them emotionally to lose both grandmothers so close together. They just don't understand why God is taking their grandmother from them and why He took their other grandmother.
My friend is taking care of her mom until the end. I feel so much sorrow for them and what they are dealing with. :( I'm just glad that we have had the privilage of knowing them.
Rylee
I wish she'd either say, "YES I want you in my life and I love you." and then stay in it or tell me to get the hell out of her life for the rest of her life.
This yo-yo stuff drives me out of my mind. The minute I get used to not having her talking to me and not having her in my life because she ignores me and doesn't want me around, and I'm really OK with it, there she is again telling me she's sorry and how much she wants me around.
I get REALLY tired of it. So tired of it because I can't depend on her. I can't depend on a mature person doing mature things like being honest with what she wants from me and what she expects from me. She gets my emotions so wound up I can't function. It's not right. But nothing I can do about it.
It's hard to know what to do with my daughter that's for sure. One minute I'm wanting the no contact and the next she's making me feel guilty for thinking like that and not wanting to talk to her.
She's a complicated person. She tells me that I have a lot of drama in my life that she can't handle and that I am sometimes too much for her.
I know I have a lot going on in my life but I don't think telling her about it is putting any drama into it. I've tried to keep her up on what's going on in our family because she said she wanted to know and then when I do tell her (in the shortest way I can and not like I tell you guys here all the details of stuff) she tells me I've got too much drama.
I don't know. I just know I can't deal with being ignored until I have money for her or presents or whatever. I wish those things didn't get her talking to me but her wanting to know what's going on and tell me about her.
I don't have a problem with going awhile without talking. It's just when I see her online and she ignores my messages that it bothers me.
I have a son I raised who doesn't talk to me sometimes for a month or more and I'm ok with that because people get busy and no one can be available all the time. But when I do call my son he doesn't ignore me. He might cut the conversation short but he never ignores me. He calls me occasionally and talks about whatever is on his mind. He doesn't always have a "reason" go call. He just calls me to talk.
My daughter on the other hand can't be depended on. She told me the last time when I told her I was going to end our contact that she promised not to drop out of sight again and if she didn't want to chat at a particular time she'd at least tell me and not ignore me. She just can't keep that promise and I'm just tired of waiting on her to grow up.
There definitely is drama in her life. I won't go into all of it but it's bad but I would still be there for her if she needed me. I just don't understand her at all.
Either she wants me in her life or she doesn't. I wish she'd make up her mind. I can't deal with yo-yo stuff and I guess I just have to make the decision for myself. I just don't know what I'm going to do yet.
Rylee
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My brother found my daughter & son about 5 years ago. They were removed due to drugs, and I did not get my act together until 3-4 years later...of course they were gone..and I never really fought for them. Though i sent presents and letters until told to stop. I knew I was in no shape to raise and give them what they needed.
Anyway,I sent a letter and email address and she responded. Unfortunately my son committed suicide. On the other hand, she was teaching and started her master.Yeah she is supporting herself and outwardly looks like she is doing well.
But few contact's with me...I continued to send Happy new year, christmas....emails.....(:))
Not what I dreamed or hoped for....
Common sense tells me...duh you were not in her life...for 20 years... you are an addict certainly nothing to be proud of.....Hey I found my drug addict mom.... The rational side, says But wait you are a beautiful person to meet....
Today, I have my master, private practice, two other children, great husband...a 180, a productive person...
But the emotional...the parent bond ....the love... cries out for more...the pain is horrible..... The error in my ways...
she has her own life and I am not a part of it nor does she want me to be... How do you become ok with it..time....