Challenges for the Fathers

I think that men are expected to be distant from the whole adoption process (and many arguably are, from what people have written on a.com). It is often the wife who takes the initiative to contact agencies, prepare for the homestudy, make the profile, etc. Thus the irritating questions from some agencies. It's great that you're involved from the start.

Hello Men! A woman butting in here...and not wanting to hijack but figuring since there aren't a lot of men I might be allowed to go off topic a bit... My husband was kind of irritated that all questions about the adoption at the agency were funneled through me. This was a decision we made together and he fully participated. I think that's why he is such a good hands-on dad. We got most of our pre-adoption info from our friends, 2 dads who adopted shortly before we did. One of the dads is the primary caregiver and he jokingly said, "I'm surprised I haven't started lactating!" He jokes about having a lot in common with moms, but he is, no doubt, a man. And along with his partner, an excellent dad.

I can see how that could happen; however I think by agencies boxing the men out then they are feeding into that behavior too. If I wasn't the kind of guy I am then I would have just said "fine talk to my wife" and not bother. The way I feel is if WE are bringing a child into OUR home then WE both should be involved in all aspects of the process. My wife and I read books together and I post on here. She has posted too a couple of times but I am more of a computer person so she will just tell me what question she has and I will post the question. I also guess that since times are changing more Dads are involved. I noticed in our MAPP classes that we took there were more Single Fathers. Time for a change I think.

Thank you for your input it is greatly appreciated. My Wife and I have been blessed with a two Father couple who has been helping us with aspects of the system. We did our classes together since we are doing foster Adopt but they already have a child and are helping us with aspects of the agency stuff. :banana:

I'll try to get some more dads to post here...:)

I adopted my son from foster care when he was 13. I am a straight, single father. In starting the process, I was very interested to see the reactions of various agencies to my status. Reactions ranged from barely-diguised venom (as a single man looking to adopt an older chld, I must be a pervert of some kind) to bemusement (oh, you couldn't possibly raise a child alone) to being treated like some kind of rare, exotic species (WOW, we've never had a single DAD before). After a rough start with one agency who (upon finding out I was single) informed me that "We don't do homestudies for you people."), I was matched with a county worker who I hit it of with right away. She had never worked with a single dad before and found it very interesting. She even became kind iof "over=protective" of me and did a very good job of screening ptential matches. Now, I've been in this long enough to see other single dads enter the arena, both as foster and adoptive parents. Frequently, I ma asked to speak to foster training classes and was even featured in our local paper a few years ago as part of "NAtional Adoption Month" coverage. I do not plan on adopting again, but I do continue to foster. I find that several of the boys also find the idea of a single dad to be different. One even asked me "Well, if you're single, who does the cooking?" My current foster placment has always been raised by women, so having a male parent is a real novelty to him and he is progressing by leaps and bounds. Anything else, just ask.

Another single father here, who is straight. That is so funny to preface my post with a statement like that. To be honest with you, I was surprised about the remark "...I have actually found that most of the guys both in real life and online who are really involved in the process are part of a 2 Dad family..." My first son came to me 10 years ago this month and I have yet to meet a "2 dad" family. Ok, I live in a conservative midwestern city. My experience has been very good. I have never had a worker ask about a partner (male or female) or act surprised when I said I was single. I have adopted from 4 different states, from the real conservative (IN) to the more progressive (WA). Never have I run into some of the situations mentioned in this post. As far as posting online, I would agree that you will find more women posting. Typically, you won't find men online talking about adoption. I post here, as it is the only place I have found where people understand what I am dealing with.

Hey... another adoptive parent here who is also a single guy... I have never had anyone seem bothered by the fact that I am single guy wanting to adopt... at least nobody ever said anything to my face about it... There are a few single guys in town here who are foster parents... I started the whole process in 2004 and the fact that I was single was somewhat a novelty thing... but this time around (I'm in the process of being matched for a second adoption), it seems very normal... nobody seems suprised... I've been in communication with people in four different states... I hadn't looked at any photolistings since 2005... and one thing that suprised me this time around is I've seen "single male" listed as a preferences for some kids... I don't remember seeing that before... My son does really well with a single parent... he cannot triangulate... apparently he's always responded better to male caregivers... The neatest thing is when we're in public, or with people we've met more recently, people doen't even know he's adopted... there's lots of single dads out there!! As far as the posts starting out with "Ladies..." - I've spent so much time in the special needs & attachment area of the forum, where Indy, Mike, and I have been hanging out for years... people over there don't usually start off their posts that way... Like Indy said, I come to a.com because I've found people with similar interests... who know what kind of things I'm experiencing... and being a sinlge male adoptive parent is not seen as strange or unusual...

I am from NYC so they are more accepting of Lesbian, Gay Bisexual and Transgender people so you see them adopting too through foster care.

I am a married father of two birth children, and 2 adopted (1 soon to be finalized... we hope!)Our adoption situation is so different from most people's that any expression of feelings from me may not apply to most people's adoption situation. But, I will give it a try...Both of my adopted children have come to me out of a need to be protected. There have been no adoption agencies, or social workers involved (my daughter has social workers, but none of them seem interested in talking to us) so I haven't had to deal with that.Well, I take that back. With my son, 13 years ago (remember, no state involvement with us or him... we had custody through a private order), we got a call from a state social worker. My wife did not want to talk to her, so I answered when she called back. She asked to speak to my wife, and I told her that she was not available, but I was happy to speak to her. She paused, and said, "When will she be available?" I told her that I wasn't sure, but I was equally versed in any issues concerning the child, and could certainly answer any of her questions. Long pause... reluctantly, she proceeded. I was really taken aback by that attitude, but I guess, as far as they are concerned, the man is usually the problem!At any rate, back to protection. With both of my adopted children, I have felt a very strong need to protect them. They were in immediate harm's way in their living sitations, and I knew that I could step in, hire the lawyer, and fight for them. To me, that is what a Dad does. Maybe it is an old male stereotype, but it is the way that I feel. That bond is particularly strong with my daughter, who has come to us at twelve years of age.She has had an abusive past at the hands of many people. So, I will see to it that she never has to experience that again. Sometimes, I fell a great deal of regret that I was not there to protect her, and it can really tear me up inside. I ask myself, "Where was I to protect her while bmother's boyfriend was beating the girl that I love so much so badly that she couldn't go to school for three days?" Or "Where was I when she had to be restrained at the hospital." Or, "Where was I when her bmother was withholding food from her?"As a Dad, who loves his children, these things are tough! Even though I wish I had been there sooner, I am comitted to making her life all that it can be from this moment forward. I will never forget the day that she turned and looked at me, and said, "I want you to adopt me!" As far as I am concerned, from that moment, she became my daughter, and I her dad, and we belong to each other forever.I have never had a court (and we have had to deal with many of them!) question my involvement as a father. My daughter's therapist thinks that it is wonderful that I take time off from work each week to participate in her therapy. My response, "Of course I would! This is all about her, and her getting better." Then again, I very seldom miss doctor's appointments with my children of any kind. I also went to ALL of my wife's OB appointments when she was pregnant with our two.Hopefully, even with my very non traditional situation, I have been able to share some thoughts that might help. And hopefully, they have been coherent!

Thank you guys your replies have been so helpful.

Sdirector...your story regarding your 12 year old daughter brought me to my knees...not only initially, but every time I thought about it...I can relate.Those abuse periods are easily remembered...they have their own legacy and the boundaries of abuse, grief, loss and despair become blurred...gradually they come together as a package.It's possible to pray daily to a God who never answers... in the end the only real hope is to give in...accept the low level of your status...view what happens as something you may can only try to avoid...and in the end you will always have hope that tomorrow will be better.I wish there were more guys around like you to help the kids that are in need...I wish you the best

crick....every time I see your last note, "6 years into our forever family," it makes me feel warm all over. I hope you will keep it as a part of your posts..."forever."

I am so grateful for all of the men here! :clap: I, too, have very much so noticed the focus being on women - not only in adoption, but in parenting in general. (Quick aside: I'm writing my PhD dissertation on how parenting magazines socialize women into the role of motherhood, and in order for them to do that -you guessed it- they all but ignore the idea that a father may also want to have some of their articles addressed to him!) I am an introvert. DH is an extrovert. I hate talking to new people, on the phone or in person. Whenever possible, I ask DH to take care of that aspect of our adoption journey. I feel we can balance it out by my having an online presence and keeping up with all electronic communication, and by doing the planning and organizing. However, as some of you have said, some folks insist on talking with me, and I really wish they didn't. DH would be much better at articulating OUR thoughts, ideas, feelings, and decisions. There is no need to get confirmation from me. And by them forcing me out of my comfort zone, I end up doing a bit more than my share of our "hopeful parents" responsibilities, which I wish they wouldn't do! So I am very happy to read from so many active and caring dads, and with time, perhaps there will be equality in parenting.:clap:

Just a quick note that I also think birthfathers are greatly ignored in all of the adoption discussions most of all. I know my daughter's birthdad struggled as much as the birthmom with the adoption decision. And he has been as much involved as the birthmom since the adoption. Actually he is visiting and staying with us this weekend.