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I am a single adoptive parent of 4 children. My first son recently turned 18: decided that he could no longer live by the rules of the house and left to live with the permissive parents of one of his friends. He got to the point where he wanted to stay out until the wee hours of the morning daily; would not do any chores around the house whatsoever; he would not study seriously and despite my paying for the SAT 3x--he could not get into a 4 year college. He had delusions of becoming a pro athlete and I tried to tell him nicely over the years that he had to focus on school as well. He's always been very headstrong and unfortunatey he decided to disrespect my home in the worse way while I was out of town...I think he had a big pool party and barbecue but I found clothing of assorted guests all over the place including the trunk of the car! I was paying for him to take summer classes at the community college. Now, he has called me 3 times demanding information on his birthmother. I have told him that he was a private adoption and gave him the name of the agency. Then he keeps calling asking information that I do not have...such as the name of the hospital he was born in.
I don't have a problem with the search for the birthmother. I am just hurt and angry about his behavior. I feel like I lost him. He was one of the loves of my life for all these years and for him to just discard me feels bad. I am relieved not to argue with him over his behavior and lack of responsibility to be quite honest. I wouldn't want him back in the home acting the way he was acting, but I hurt just the same.
I have another child, who will turn 18 in 2 months and she leaves for basic training in 4 days...then I am down to a 15 and 16 year old! I am grieving.
Oh gosh, I know how painful and difficult that time can be and I can't imagine the difficulty of his current behavior thrown into the mix. Thankfully J had his nightmare during his 16th yr and settled down when he turned 17. It must be very difficult to have the emotions of empty nest, combined with the emotions of your child's new searching, combined with the exhaustion and sadness of watching your kid be self-destructive.
The only advice I have (I don't mean this to be trite, I know this is a difficult time of grieving so many things) is to invest time in yourself, in your own life, and to find joys outside of child-rearing to enhance your life and bring you lightness and enjoyment in those things. It's a great time to tackle something you've been wanting to, reconnnect with old friends, arrange fun outings, pamper yourself, put some wind in your hair.
The intensity of the grief passes with time as you figure out how to adjust to and eventually embrace the new reality with which you're being confronted, even if it's one that's constantly changing.
And with 4 teenagers at once, God Bless You! I hope you have a strong support system!
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I don't have a problem with the search for the birthmother. I am just hurt and angry about his behavior. I feel like I lost him. He was one of the loves of my life for all these years and for him to just discard me feels bad. I am relieved not to argue with him over his behavior and lack of responsibility to be quite honest. I wouldn't want him back in the home acting the way he was acting, but I hurt just the same.
My guess (and this is only a wild guess I'm throwing out to you), is that he is acting out big-time, and since his behaviour will not be tolerated by you (rightfully so), he is thinking he will reconnect with his birthmom and things will be just peachy (no pun intended--that's my handle!) with her and that she will tolerate his behavior.
I think he may be in for a rude awakening.
I think even under the best of circumstances, it is very difficult for a parent to see their child reconnecting with birthparents. I'm a birth mom and I get this, though obviously I don't have first-hand experience with the emotions that come up for adoptive parents. Given that you are not on great terms with your son at the moment, it must feel even more scary. I say, step back and let him do what he thinks is necessary right now. I don't think he is rejecting you or leaving you in the dust. I think he's acting out, and you are facing your son leaving, plus now your daughter, so you have a half-empty nest going on, in addition to all the reunion fears that many aparents go through. There is a LOT on your plate, and you do need to take care of yourself. And maybe this is what he needs to wake up and realize he can't keep on the path he is on.
I guess I just have a lot going on all at once! My son did call me last night and we had a lenghty conversation...and I even remained calm! I told him that I think I might have spoiled him a bit and he responded that he had spoiled me too. I asked him how and he said, "I love you too much". He told me that he had made a big mistake and was thinking that he needed to come back home. I told him that things could not be the way they were before and we agreed to talk more. I did tell him that I understood wanting to find his birthmother. The only disturbing thing was his calling and speaking as if I were withholding information about her that I do not have.
I thought I would have a few more days with my daughter but the recruiter called and she is leaving in 3 days. I do have work, hobbies, my church family and other outlets. But what a time of transition this is!
There are many emotions we go through concerning our children. Yes we grieve in the empty nest syndrome but there are so many more emotions for many adoptive mom's as our kids grow up. So many more issues to work through.
I know. I understand. I too have 4 children, all adopted. They are all grown now. 2 are married. 2 are still at home.
Glad you came here and hope you can find support in these hard times. Nice to hear you and your son were able to talk and hopefully work things out.
Take Care. We are here for you.
I'm glad you've got a great support system. I know it doesn't make the transitional time any easier or less painful, but it assures me that you will have people and places to turn you and will be well cared for.
I don't think anyone can truly understand the difficulty and grief of dealing with all those issues of children growing up, leaving home, rebelling, lashing out...combined with the general adoption issues and reuniting with their birth families all the same time, unless you've been there. It;s hard. Do keep coming here because there are those here that have been through it.
Hang in there.
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We went through this last year with our 18 year old son. He moved out a month before graduation and almost didn't graduate.
The good thing is he now sees how much he needs us even though he's on his own. In fact, he was over last night and stayed two hours just to chat.
I'm praying your relationship is strong enough with him to endure his bad choices.
How long has he been with you?
My son was 3 weeks old when I brought him home. He was my first child and was always very stubborn. My brother would tell me "Man, I thought you were stubborn, but he is CRAZY stubborn!" He called me again yesterday and we talked briefly. He is not with the same friend and is talking of trying to join the military. I'm praying for him. I let him know that a thick envelope arrived from the adoption agency but he didn't seem like he wanted to come get it any time soon. That was suprising because he told me he had contacted them and I figured he would want that asap. When he called me I was driving my daughter to the hotel she had to stay at prior to leaving for basic training today. She'll be 18 in 2 months. I adopted her out of foster care when she was 7. That was one crazy journey, but I did my best and the rest is up to her.
I still have a 15 year old son at home and a 16 year old daughter...plus 3 cocker spaniels. I certainly am feeling calmer than I was a week ago. I do have faith that everything will work out.
Glad to hear things are going ok with your son. Hang in there and continue in prayer. Sharon