Do we have to keep a foster child?

Awesome! That's how it SHOULD be!!!!! Both times we disrupted, we gave it our best for months, the whol while asking DCFS for help. Know what they'd tell us...if you can't deal with it we'll move the kid! Bot times we kept going and going until the situation became too dangerous for our other kids. Then we gave notice. One was after a year, the other after four months. A family can only take so much and when the other kids are in danger, you have to protect them!

My Forever kids 3- I have to agree. It is interesting the guilt that they try to put on us, yet they'll disrupt them in a heartbeat sometimes over bizarre plans. Or disrupt them mentally by involving them in their parent's adult drama. (from my experience)

Yeah like forcing you to medicate a child when you see that the meds are making them worse! Or forcing visitation that is emotionally abusive and then leaving you to deal with the aftermath. AND challenging your house rules right in front of the kids!!!:hissy: Oh but you better not disrupt or your an evil person! Okay, I have to note that these things all happened with one agency up in Chicago. Our experiences here in Louisiana have been completely different and I believe that is why this adoptive placement is going so well.:clap:

After reading so many of your posts..I have realized there are many differing opinions on this issue. I know for me...If I DID adopt this child...I WOULD move every obstacle and every mountain to deal with this child, As I have with my other two. I would NEVER prevent a child from receiving services that are going to help him..that is plain wrong! But I am not his Mom,legally...I can get him help while he is with us and will if he remains with us for a bit more time till he is reunited WITH his sister. Also, I NEVER said I could not deal with an autistic child..I already have one...what I have said...is with 2 kids already who have issues....ONE who is in the autism spectrum...I am in a situation where to keep my current kids from backsliding..and to give this child what he needs...I can't do it successfully. But you are right...I am me...I will be me...I will parent my kids with love, flexibility and give them my whole heart. But this wonderful child will never be mine...even if I wanted to keep him. As I said, they want him reunited with his sister. Even If I DID want to adopt HIM....having 3 kids with special needs AND a 4th child who is little would be a LOT to ask of anybody. I will not take on more then I know I can handle. I am nearly 40 years old with health issues. If I were totally well and younger...In MY case...I may feel differently, I would feel differently. OR if I had 2 kids already who we're NOT special needs...I may feel differently. But My situation IS different and I know my limits. I RESPECT my limits...but again I am talking about MY situation...not yours. You all know your situations and our lives are not the same. I would rather be honest..and be who I am...then to lie to myself...and get in over my head and end up destroying my family, my life and myself in the process and more importantly this child. If I am not the right parent for this child...does he not deserve the RIGHT one? My kids love this child...but are scared to death when he tantrums, hits, and throws objects at my children's heads. Does he mean to get aggressive...maybe not. But should I expect my kids who already struggle to deal forever with a child like this...my kids though older are very and I mean very small kids, just a tad bigger then FS. They have already gotten hit in the face hard with flying objects when this child doesn't get his way. At some point I have to realize though my kids love him and they do....they are afraid...heck I get afraid as he will get set off for just about anything. What happens when this child gets bigger and older IF I did adopt him,that is if he ever did BECOME adoptable ? My kids full grown will be very small as DH and I are very VERY petite so he will be bigger then ALL of us. I am hopeful they will get him dealt with...but then again...from what I have heard just a day ago...he has been in many foster homes...I was never told that till NOW! They have all disrupted...because of him being this way. They told us NOTHING saying they had NO information on this child. Yes, we were lied too, but then again...we agreed to take him..it was a risk...stupid on OUR part of coarse. But they also KNEW our family and we told them we could not handle an child who was like this...yet they knew his history and still placed us with him. so yes, we have learned. I DO believe in the right home...maybe a family with teenage kids...he would work great in. He REQUIRES a ton of attention and needs that as well as deserves that after all he's been through. So you may all have your opinions and though I may disagree with some of you and agree with others. I am ok hearing all the comments...as right now...I have learned a lot about fostering, adopting, etc from reading this thread and others. So thank you. In the end...God will work all this out..and I will be a heck of a lot wiser for it I am sure.

that is fantastic to hear, but sadly I'm not sure it is the majority experience. In our case, the sum total of help we were offered was a counsellor who my son disliked intensely (he was the husband of the social worker that removed him from his home!!). I had to do all the legwork of getting a diagnosis, finding a counsellor he liked and responded well to, participating in attachment therapy with him, and convincing him to give medication a try, and then finding a psychiatrist to help us find the right one. After all that, Children's Services DID pay for the counselling and medication - but very grudgingly since it wasn't what THEY had offered. I didn't find out until afterwards, but they only paid our counsellor about half of what they actually owed her, because they told her he shouldn't need therapy more than once or twice a month! She did the rest pro bono.

will parent my kids with love, flexibility and give them my whole heart. But this wonderful child will never be mine...even if I wanted to keep him. As I said, they want him reunited with his sister. Even If I DID want to adopt HIM....having 3 kids with special needs AND a 4th child who is little would be a LOT to ask of anybody. I will not take on more then I know I can handle. I am nearly 40 years old with health issues. If I were totally well and younger...In MY case...I may feel differently, I would feel differently. OR if I had 2 kids already who we're NOT special needs...I may feel differently. But My situation IS different and I know my limits. I RESPECT my limits...but again I am talking about MY situation...not yours. You all know your situations and our lives are not the same. I would rather be honest..and be who I am...then to lie to myself...and get in over my head and end up destroying my family, my life and myself in the process and more importantly this child. If I am not the right parent for this child...does he not deserve the RIGHT one? My kids love this child...but are scared to death when he tantrums, hits, and throws objects at my children's heads. Does he mean to get aggressive...maybe not. But should I expect my kids who already struggle to deal forever with a child like this...my kids though older are very and I mean very small kids, just a tad bigger then FS. They have already gotten hit in the face hard with flying objects when this child doesn't get his way. At some point I have to realize though my kids love him and they do....they are afraid...heck I get afraid as he will get set off for just about anything. What happens when this child gets bigger and older IF I $$$$$$$$$$$$$ well i think any one looking into fostering needs to know their limitations, hopefully before they take kids into their home. we have three bio kids, two with special needs and have taken in two foster kids, awesome little ones. no issues other than some after visit stuff with one and we're working through that. but then, i knew we could do it fairly seemlessly because having two kids with special needs has made us more flexible and also prepared us for a lot of issues that foster kids seem to have.

I thought the same thing, that I WAS prepared and experienced..but my kids were NOT..DH and I talked to them for years before we did this..we waited till they were older thinking that it would help them to be more mature and more settled WITH their issues..but obviously I overestimated how much they could handle. I KNOW WE as a family can not handle a child who is hyperactive and majorly moody. Our homestudy said what WE could handle...and we were not told the whole story about this child...till just lately and had we known...we surely would not have accepted this placement. That said, irregardless of what happens now...I am glad to have met and known this child....it is NOT his fault all the things that have happened to him...he DESERVES only the best...and if we aren't the best for HIM then I want to see him get that. Far as me ever saying..that My kids were better then FS. If you read all my posts..you'd know "I" was adopted by MY Dad....I do NOT think my Dad loved me less because I was adopted...he had 4 other bio kids as well that he loved. I did NOT know I was adopted till I was in my early 20's...would I have guessed it...NO WAY! I do NOT view adoption as second best to the biological route...and If I actually FELT that way...I guess I view MY adoption as less then as well and I don't. Let me be the first to say here...that I have an adopted Father and Biological Mom who raised me, both love me and I love them. Is there a difference to ME? NO! So I can say without a doubt..yes my bio kids are easier....but that doesn't equate to "better" just to clarify.

Maybe what the OP was trying to say is that she is very empathetic and it is too difficult for her, emotionally, to continue to foster. I really don't think she was trying to be offensive to other foster parents. Her terminology of having "a big heart" obviously touched a nerve with many people!

Thank you irelady10..that is exactly what I was saying. Why in the world would I feel someone who fosters has a small heart? It takes a big person with a very large open heart to foster...but for me...I am too sensitive. I get sick to see what this child has gone through. I guess I thought I COULD handle that part of it...and am able to a degree....barely..but my boys being very loving and compassionate can't. It is unfathomable to think anyone could have hurt this child or any child for that matter. I love kids...and my desire is for all kids to be safe and loved. When I look at my boys I can't imagine how awful and sick I'd feel if anyone ever hurt them. And to see the child in my home...my boys were once that age, so it is even more unthinkable to me. It is one thing to sit in a class and hear things and KNOW abuse goes on...and understand that it DOES happen...but when I see this little boy and the damage that was done TO him...I just feel so sick. I know we as a family are not cut out for this! I DO know and will say it again..for those of you out there who Do have big hearts but CAN keep it in perspective..I think it's awesome. Thank God there are those selfless and loving people who can foster....there is a huge need for kids to have a safe place to go if their bio parents struggle.

What are the ages of all three children?

My bio boys are 12 and 10 and FS is 6. Today, our FS was to be evaluated...and well...he went nuts..and I mean really nuts...he yelled at everyone, had a tantrum, flipped out and hit people,etc. He refused to do anything they asked. His b-parents were there, his siblings too and he did the same to them, screaming and yelling at them. The Dr. observed all of this and from what I understand....can see what we are dealing with and according to them...its very bad. I knew for the last weeks that we were not experienced enough for this child..but now we have confirmation that he needs major help. The strange thing though...is that he has attached to us and when he got home..he was fine again...till again something WILL set him off later. I have felt bad and have felt like I failed all this time with him but according to them....he needs someone very experienced to deal with him and this is our first placement. I guess we just got a difficult child right out of the gates. We KNOW we are NO cut out for this...but this child I guess from what the S/W said is such a hard, hard case...that it is a testament to our parenting skills to be able to deal with him at all. My feeling is this....I just want him to get the help he needs....and we as a family....are not right for him. if we didn't know that then, we know it now. :hissy: So wish things could have been different though.

You poor thing. You are really torn up over this. I understand where you're coming from. I had a teen girl, fd-c, with a vegetable soup diagnosis that had me in tears (behind closed doors) every single night by 8:00 pm. It was just awful. My youngest dd (then 10) was scared of her. Fd-c created so much turmoil in our family, upset the natural balance of things, took every iota of attention and energy I had, and I've never praised God more than when the dear girl moved out bless her heart. I don't know if I helped her at all. I have a feeling she went on down the same road we tried to steer her clear of. But I have to remind myself that the Lord of all is her God too. He loves her with an everlasting love, and nothing can separate her from him. Not even herself. If this boy isn't meant to be in your family, then remember that the Lord has him in the palm of HIS hand. The child belongs to God, and you are not the only person in the world that God can move to raise him. If not you, then pray that God will provide the right family for him. And you don't have to feel guilty that you're not everything you need to be. You are who God made you to be. He knows your limitations, and those of every person in your family. He knows each one of you through and through. And you don't have to appologize. You are accountable to no man. But you are accountable to God. So, something I really want you to think about is this: What were the circumstances of you taking the little guy in the first place? Because God does not ever change His mind. You may be able to change His mind by prayer and petition, and in that event, you would know His mind was changed by 1) His provision of a new family that was perfect for the boy, 2) by a "knowing" in your spirit during prayer, 3) by friends, family and clergy confirming that the child moving is the best thing for everyone, 4) by bible reading that seems to blatantly refer to your situation, and how you should handle it. 5) by some sign, ie, you're driving down the road and a song comes on the radio about a boy going out into the world. When EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE line up/agree, you can say you have confirmation of God's will, as long as you are seeking it with all your heart. God says that you WILL find Him when you seek Him with all of your heart. So if you believed it was God's will for you to take the child in the first place, and He sent the little guy to you knowing your limitations, and God doesn't randomly change His mind, maybe there is some other piece missing for you here. Are you trying to deal with it on your own strength alone? Do you have prayer support? Or maybe you do have confirmation that the child should leave? I'll pray for you sister. It's a lot to deal with. But God is faithful.

I totally agree also. my twins both need different parenting styles. People always ask how do you do it...and I reply I just do. My twins are RAD, & Sensory Intergration Disorder. so every day presents a new challenge...and we learn and move on to the next challenge.

Thank You aunlanpo for your kind words. I too am a Christian and felt God calling us to adopt. I did NOT feel he wanted us to foster, but we were waiting awhile and thought we'd try it. We should have listened to our hearts and to God in this. We just love kids so much that we felt someone was missing in our family and we still do feel that way. But this child as sweet as he is....and he is sweet and we have attached to him and him to us....but he will just snap. Sometimes for no apparent reason. When he went to be evaluated today...they couldn't even do it properly as he flipped out BAD. DH and I just wish so bad, that he was the one. We feel he will end up back with his B-parents...and with us wanting to expand our family and no match found through straight adoption...we just are thinking...maybe it's time to move on and get pregnant. For DH and I, we just feel someone is missing and with my age and health...I either have to wait for a match through adoption with no guarantee or just realize that it may not be God's will for us. Irregardless...DH wants us to officially try to conceive for a few months and see if anywhere it leads. We may keep our homestudy active till it expires in the fall and then allow God to lead us in the direction HE wants. I KNOW we will never foster again....maybe we just got a hard case but with our sensitivity towards people...we may just be too sensitive. Or maybe watching a child struggle and know what he has been through is just too much for us. I DO know that God is in control..our life is all about him and as far as a prayer...our church is with us on this. We have been praying to God for resolution on this and just feel like if THIS child was the one...we would have peace no matter HOW this child acted..and we don't. I know his C/W is trying hard to find him a new home for now and he may end up sooner back with his sister...so I am hoping for his sake...he does. No one can tell us truly what his issues are as like I said the evaluation just showed a child who is a major wreck..they couldn't even do any testing on him as he wanted no part of it, them or even his parents and sister. It was just sad not to know what his problem(s) are...to even help him. Thanks again for the kind words though..you've given me a lot more to think about! God Bless!

Well today was a very sad day for our FS and us...he finally was moved to a new home. We got the call this morning that they had a new home for him and they asked us if we still wanted to do that. We knew it was the right thing to do...but it was the hardest decision we have ever had to make. We were so attached to this child...and him to us. Like I have said before..."T" will be our first and last placement...we will NEVER do this again. DH and I cried and cried over this....giving him back was not easy. The C/W gave us about 30 minutes to say goodbye. I can't imagine those of you who do this on a regular basis...God Bless all of you who do that. I can't do that again, DH either. Thanks so much for all of you who supported me. I so appreciated all your kind words. I know DH and I have a lot to talk and think about these next few days and weeks. What to do next is our big question? We will wait on God!