Can Someone Please Help Me With Some Advice

WELL LIKE I SAID BEFORE I AM WILLING TO LISTEN TO EVERYONES OPINION AND AS FOR THIS ONE I FIND IT VERY NEGATIVE IF THE FAMILY WOULD OF GIVIN ME MY ONCE YEARLY VISIT IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DISRUPTING MY DAUGHTERS LIFE AND IT IS AN OPEN ADOPTION AND THERE IS A CONTRACT INVOLVED SO NO MATTER WHAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE DISREGAURDING THAT. IF THE FAMILY WANTED ME NOT INVOLVED THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A CLOSED ADOPTION INSTEAD OF OPEN IT IS NOT CRUEL FOR ME TO WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN MY CHILDS LIFE YOU ARE JUDGING WITH OUT KNOWING. THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD.

MotivatedMommy, may I give you one gentle piece of advice? When reading your posts on this thread, it is very difficult on my eyes when you capitalize the first letter of each and every word. I'm sure that others are having the same trouble reading some of your posts. The other thing is when you capitalize EVERY letter, it comes across as shouting on Internet forums like this one. Posters most often use all caps to get someone's attention. While that is fine for several words or even a single sentence, if you cap all the letters, it puts people on the defensive and makes them uneasy. ;)

TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD. to quote MotivatedMommy Please rethink what you have just said. I am a Mother to my daughter every single day. True, I did not give birth to her as I did to my son but just as I am a Mother to my son I am a Mother to my daughter. It is with love that I am her Mother not cruelty. Maybe what they did to you is cruel and not having heard the other side of the story I believe that it is but please separate the two issues. I think what the OP meant was that it would be cruel to try and disrupt her adoption at this point. I know that you are hurting and am sorry that it turned out like this for you.

quote]THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD.[/quote] Hi: Once again you catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Seriously, have you told your bdaughter's mother this? Because if you have, I can tell you why there are no visits. Even though they're legal issues involved, your bdaughter has been in her parents care for six years(?) and no judge will overturn the adoption. Nor do I think they will force visits with you. They may make them send updates and photos but even then, they might not be high quality photos or long letter updates( also, just a reminder, the aparents can go to court and ask for the adoption to be closed). If you write a letter gently asking them why you aren't able to see your bdaughter but your sister is, you may open up the lines of communication which may lead to visits. Once again, slow and steady should be your mantra! -Manni

THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD. No matter what the legal issues are you are no longer legally this child's mother, Her adoptive mother is. No judge will take that child away from her parents because they didn't allow visitation. And I said It would be cruel to try to take her away from her current parents....not to visit. In your OP you said you wanted her back, That just will not happen. I'm not trying to be mean I'm just stating facts here. Open adoptions are hard to enforce & if push come to shove you may just make it worse. How do you know it's not the child that doesn't want to see you? Forcing a child to visit you when the child may not want contact could actually cause her some serious trauma. The real question is are you going after this for you or are you doing what's best for the child?

I second what soupnazi said. Also, if your bdaugter was adopted from foster care that gives the aparents an advantage in saying to the judge why they don't want to have visits. In short, if your child was in foster care there's a reason why, and it doesn't make you look good. So I would write a gentle letter and hope for the best. -Manni

MM: I completely understand your anger and frustration. If it were me this happened to, I'd feel the exact same way. Too many times, birthmothers are made promises of contact, sign agreements etc. etc. that are cut off, not upheld, or ignored once the adoption is final. It's wrong. Period. You put your trust in someone to raise your child, it's not a ridiculous concept that you would expect to trust their word in return. "LAST YEAR THEY HAD SENT ME A LETTER STATEING THAT THEY DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO KNOW ANYTHING FROM HER PAST LIFE." This part is really troubling to me. It sounds as if they intend to raise her without ever sharing who she is and how she came to their family. Does she know she's adopted? Does she know who your sister is to her? Another thought I had was if she does know she's adopted, are they trying to pass your sister off as her birthmother because they have more of a bond with her than you? Between the adoptive parents and your sister, I just see so many secrets and lies happening here, it makes me angry. It might not be best for the child right now to have her reality disrupted with the introduction of someone new (ie: reunion) but it is DEFINITELY not best for this child to be raised with secrets and lies and denial. However, I agree that you need to really work through your anger before you take action. You do NOT want to act on something out of emotion and have it taken out of context and have it hurt you in the long run. I agree with one last letter, short and sweet and asking to explore this option of opening the adoption. Make copies of EVERYTHING. If they still don't respond positively, or with some sort of clear concrete reason why they are not holding up their OA, then proceed ahead with whatever steps you have to to mediate (Agency interverntion, etc). Forcing someone uphold an agreement in my mind isn't unreasonable, as long as you remain above board about it. Also, you might have to resort to baby steps. Asking for visitiation right now might not be in the best interest for your daughter, but maybe pics and letters and some form of contact are, with the understanding that the goal is to work towards visits down the road. It might not seem like what you are after, but in the big picture, it might be best in the long run. While I agree that "forcing" an OA might not be the best scenario, neither is a child being raised without the benefit of knowing who they are, and the importance of keeping your word and honoring promises. One day, this child may learn that her birthmother had to resort to mediation because her parents didn't honor their request and shut her birthmother out of her life. I can see how that might cause irreparable damage to the relationship that she has with her parents. I wish they could see that risk. But like it or not, these are her parents. Whether you feel that she acts in their best interests or not, she loves them and looks to them as Mom and Dad. If you want that to work, you HAVE to respect that bond, for her sake. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother any more than NOT giving birth makes you less of one. Try to work through those thoughts before you act on them. Focus on how your daughter would want you to act on her behalf. I wish you luck and keep posting!

The real question is are you going after this for you or are you doing what's best for the child?[/QUOTE] i am not a selfish person and i am not gonna put me whole life on the internet so there are alot more issues in this open adoption than u know. i can see already the difference between people these days just in all the messages . there will always be negative and positive people. i have always wanted the best for my child but if the family wanted an open adoption then they should of known what they were getting themsilves into i do not under stand why someone would try to manipulize a child that they are mommy and daddy if they know the child will visit with the parents why wait so long to have a visit. it is simple because they are scared that my child will want to be with me i never hurt my daughter nor neglect her in any way in my situation my sister got invovled in my life with jealiousy and told dcf alot of crap therefore she drilled all this false stuff about me she also gained a relationship with the dcf worker and turned them against me it was not proffesional at all i did parenting classes counseling and the service plans they put in place for me but they never budged in my favor i always wondered why sorry but i believe race has alot to do with it they wanted my daughter to grow up with an all white family. also i want to write if you are writing back to a message i sent out on this forum make sure u read what i write alot of u guys i think cannot read or something or u judge me right from the start that is not right u may get offended by some of the things that i write about the adoptive family but that is only in my situation it does not mean that other adoptive mothers are the same way i do not judge no one nor do i try to make anyone feel uncomfortable. and to those having trouble reading my messages because they are in caps lol sorry i just hate always hitting shift button i do not take the internet as serious as most of you who feel like i am yelling in caps lol

Motivatedmommy, just because you are getting advice you may not want to hear doesn't mean it is negative, or the people are negative who are giving it. I think everyone has been respectful in their responses to you, but they are right in that you want to approach this very carefully and not risk making the situation worse for yourself. Have you spoken with someone, an agency worker, attorney, counselor, or other professional who can give you some advice as to how to best proceed? I think it may be in your best interest, as others have mentioned, to write to your daughter's parents and request what was promised you. Do not threaten them. You really need to stay above board with this, I think. I understand your anger and it is hard to feel like you have to "tiptoe" around them or walk on eggshells, but I'm afraid if you come across with guns a-blazin' they can justify cutting you off. And certainly, if you make a comment that your daughters mom can't be a mom because she didn't give birth to her, well, that will not help your case, I can assure you of that. Even if you feel that way out of anger, I would not express that to your daughter's mom, or anyone else trying to help you in this situation. That is probably best worked out in therapy with your counselor.

i do not under stand why someone would try to manipulize a child that they are mommy and daddy if they know the child will visit with the parents Oh dear...I'm not sure you understand what adoption means. The adoptive parents are now her mom & dad. You are her birth mom, first mom or natural mom. But to that little girl you are no longer just mommy. They are not babysitters or just some people raising you child. to that child they are her parents. If you cannot respect that then I can see some problems with a reunion. What are you going to do when the child calls you by your first name instead of mommy? Because that is very common in adoption.

my sister got invovled in my life with jealiousy and told dcf alot of crap therefore she drilled all this false stuff about me she also gained a relationship with the dcf worker and turned them against me it was not proffesional at all i did parenting classes counseling and the service plans they put in place for me but they never budged in my favor i always wondered why sorry but i believe race has alot to do with it they wanted my daughter to grow up with an all white family DFS will not terminate parental rights without a reason. If your sister reported you for something that resulted in the removal of your daughter AND TPR then it must have been validated somehow. Even lousy parents can get their kids back if they follow the case plan. As for race...that isn't an issue. No one is going to take a kid JUST because you are a certain race. I'm with JustPeachy I think you need to sort out some things in counseling.

I haven't been here in quite awhile, but once in awhile I visit. In terms of the OP I would respectfully suggest that there's a good deal more to the story. DSF knows the difference between jealously and cause. The child's parents are the parents. Suggesting otherwise is sad for the child. The race card is irrevelent. The posters that suggested careful, respectful communication are right on target. Adoption has to be about the child. Grown-ups have to get their heads around that. My opinion, of course, and it is what it is.

Can I make sure I have the facts straight? Correct if I'm wrong.When your daughter was 2 years old, your sister called DCF to report that she was being abused and neglected. DCF and the court found that indeed, she was being abused or neglected, and they removed your daughter from your care. You were given a treatment plan by the court.Did you complete the treatment plan?The court decided not to return your daughter to you, but to terminate your rights. After TPR, your daughter was placed with a family that adopted her and gave you an open adoption agreement. They have not remained in contact with you, but do have a relationship with your sister.Is that right?

Open adoption is not enforceable. I know this 1st hand and anyone telling you different is not telling you the truth untill they have challenged it themselves and gone to court as I did in Oregon where it is supposed to be enforceable. I was the 1st case in OR case law to to request enforcement of my contract 3 years ago. The judge stated she would not enforce the visits (I only asked for 4 a year and talks broke down after asking to take him to Chuckie Cheese alone to meet his new 1/2 brother) Judge simply said "A phone call can be considered a visit" as my contract did not state specifically what a visit is and involves....Map out your visits until age 18 or it means nothing. Bottom line, these adoptive parents became more and more insecure as I started my family (4 beautiful children) and lied in court to push me out of their and his lives...and the judge had the nerve to say to me "you have your own family now" that is when I broke down crying with no reaction from anyone but my attorney who was in shock. The law is on the asoptive parent side not the birthparents. Adoptive parents...honor your contracts and don't place your insecurities on us birthparents.

MM I certainly understand your pain and I am so sorry the situation has resulted this way for you. Allow me to shed a little light on some of the statements you have made. I am saying this as an adoptee and hopefully you will be able to see how damaging and hurtful some of these statements you have made can be for your bdaughter I was adopted as a baby and the ONLY parents I knew where my aparents. I have an exceptionally strong bod with them so much so that I did not want to go to school (separaton anxiety) By 7 or 8 years old if ANYONE attempted to suggest that they were not my parents I would have stood as far away from that person as I could and I may have even hated them for saying that. NO ONE was ever going to tell me that my Mommy was not my Mommy or Daddy was not Daddy. I do feel your anger and I undertand your disappointment in feeling you have been mislead but let me assure you that as real as your feelings are I suggest you try and work though them before even seeing you bdaughter. Children pick up on things and such distain towards her aparents is a surefire way to create a distance between your bdaughter and you. How do you know if you may have said something to someone that indicated your feelings(as you stated here)that somewhow got back to you bdaughter's parents? Perhaps they have knowledge of this and knowing their daughter so well after all these years know that visits at this time would have a negative affect on her if she indeed does have separation anxiety. I know in my sitaution as a child it surely would have had a negative affect on me or at the very least would have caused a boatload of confusion. This is NOT to suggest that the aparents have been lying to their daughter or being deceptive in any way. As a parent we want to protect our children from harm or hurt so what is age appropriate for one chld may cause negative impact on another. I do not know the entire situation, but I do echo what a pp said in that DSS can not and will not substantiate an allegation based on jealousy. Especially in MA, it take some pretty serious stuff to get to TPR and some extensive investigation. All that said, I urge you to rethink some of these things you are stating about your daughters parents and try and think of the impact this will have on your bdaughter. Even now as an adult my Momma will ALWAYS be Momma and Daddy will always be Daddy all these decades later and while I was raised with a closed adoption later finding my bfamily nothing will ever change who my REAL parents are and that is the two that loved, nurtured and raised me. I wish you the very best. EZ ETA I have to admit that some of your statements had me taken aback and miffed.

this thread is over a year old. the op herself has not checked in here since september 2009. so i'm gonna go ahead and close it to avoid confusion. thanks :)