I have an interesting moral conundrum I'm trying to sort out, and I'm hoping I might get some helpful advice from people on these forums. Firstly, some background. My name's Steve, and I was born in 1972. I was adopted to a loving family, and they adopted a girl in 1974 (unfortunately we never really got on). My adopted parents received a letter from my birth mother asking to meet me ... she wrote to them as she didn't know if I knew about being adopted. I met her and my "new" half-sister on Mother's Day 1999. At first the idea of finding my birth father hadn't occurred to me, but 2002 was a milestone year for me, turning 30 and getting married, so I thought I'd find him. He and my birth mother still had mutual friends, so she contacted him and arranged for us to meet. I met him and we had a good chat about various things, and he mentioned he had 3 other children. The freaky thing for me is, his eldest son is just 3 weeks older than me! He was a "busy boy", as my wife put it. I asked about meeting my other siblings, he said he'd talk to his wife (mother of all three), but the last time I heard from him was a phone message on my 30th birthday. I had decided to let sleeping dogs lie, until I joined Facebook and did some searching, and a few months ago I found my other half-siblings, I've confirmed this with various info on their sites. My conundrum is this ... my birth father wasn't too keen on helping me when I asked him, but here I am just a few mouse clicks away from my half-siblings. Would it be right for me to contact them directly and introduce myself to them? I have drafted a letter which I would send to each of them, but I don't know if I should. Any advice you might have would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for your time! Steve.
So he was with your mother around the same time that he was with his current wife? If she doesn't know about your birth mother or you, then I would think that he wouldn't be eager to bring that up to her. If she does know about your birth mother and you then again I wouldn't think that he'd be eager to bring that up to her. It's all water under the bridge but emotions are not always logical and jealousy would certainly be a prime emotion in this situation. If you contact one of the kids and they call mom and say "Mom, did you know dad had another kid by someone else?" can you imagine the storm that could erupt? I'd ask your birth dad again but in this situation I'd never contact them directly. Is it fair to you? No. We often get the short end of the stick.Is it fair to your 3 half sibs? Probably not. Is it fair to maybe throw the relationship between your birth father and his wife into a possible tailspin? I don't think so. Probably not what you want to hear, but I'd make this his call. At least let him know that you know who they are and would like to get to know them. Just my opinion though.
Thanks for telling us the whole story -- the fact that you are only 3 weeks older than his oldest son does make a difference. You could potentially create a big havoc in their family. So you haven't communicated with your bdad since 2002? Maybe you ought to give him a call one of these days. Then you can mention that you saw his kids on facebook, and get his opinion. I totally understand how frustrating it is to see b-relatives on facebook and not be able to reach out. I regularly snoop on my half-siblings' adult children (all over 30) on facebook -- their profiles are closed, but I get a peek into their lives anyway. But I know that it is not my place to contact them -- I need to wait for my half-sibs to get the courage to tell them that their deceased grandmother had a third child she relinquished. If I contacted them directly, I would destroy any possibility of a future relationship with my half-sibs. So, in the meantime, I just watch and wait from a distance (I know I sound like a stalker). As a fellow adoptee, I understand how fascinating it is to see that there are people out there to whom we're actually related! I am so tempted to befriend one of them, but I don't dare... If I were you, I would work on your relationship with your bdad and try to re-open the communication. See what he says when you tell him that you've found his kids on facebook. Good luck.
Steve, I second SoniaRose's advice - contact your father. Unless reunion is handled right the impact on everyone can be devastation that sometimes is never healed. SoniaRose - that's not stalking. Kind regards,Dickons
Thanks for your advice, everyone. You all make excellent points, I had considered them before, but finally seeing them right there sort of upset my balance. I'll try and talk to my bdad and see what happens. Thanks again! :-)
I understand completely the advice about taking your birth-father's feelings into consideration. Please also consider that your siblings have a right to know you exist. As 32-year-old who just found out she has an older sister for the first time, I have to say that I feel like it was my right to know and I wish someone had told me sooner.