Half-siblings... it's complicated

If it's the grandmother's home that is the issue, then why not meet at a park or a restaraunt or mall or someplace for the visits?

Crick... Everything is documented in reports, hearing transcriptions, MDT meetings, etc. I turned to this board for support and you are rude, insulting and wrong. I am finding the answers I need reading on the adult adoptee forum and will unsubscribe from this thread. Some of you have been very helpful. If these children had lived together and had a sibling bond... I would do anything to make sure it was preserved and maintained for the sake of the children. You have to take it on a case by case basis and walk a mile in my shoes. My daughter was placed with us before the new baby was ever conceived. They share a bio-mom and her rights to my daughter were terminated a month before the baby boy was born. The bond she has with my son is a real and true sibling bond.

I just don't think this response is warranted towards Crick. If anyone would understand kids from foster care not having contact with biological half-siblings, she would, as that's the situation she has with her kids. You got a variety of responses from a lot of people, many with the same opinions as Crick on your situation. You said many things that were VERY open to debate and made some blanket assumptions about things for which there is some pretty strong disagreement. A lot of people gave you their perspective. If you want to accept those with the same view as THE TRUTH, that's fine, it's your right. But don't start flinging nastiness as those who didn't agree. Sometimes the best support we can get is seeing other sides of an issue or hearing from others what kind of vibe you are putting out. Every 2 weeks until age 18 sounds ridiculous- I don't think anyone here would want that, which I think is what Crick is questioning- because what system in their right mind would mandate every 2 weeks for 18 yrs? That's crazy. But as for the principle of whether it should be at all and when it should start, and the reasons you gave for "why"- those illicited strong responses and you used strong words, and got some back. I don't see where healthy debate is rudeness and as for "wrong" - well, again you can accept the agreement of those who think the same as you, but I know the best growth that I personally had here, was listening to those who didn't.

Thanks Heidi for seeing what I meant.:)Things just don't make sense and knowing the foster care system the way I do, if it doesn't make sense, then someone isn't getting the whole picture. There is far more involved here imo, then what the OP is getting or what the actual background is.But I digress...without the little package of "tell you only what you want to hear" wrapped up in a little bow, apparently it's rude & insulting.WVMom...think what you wish. But I do caution you on your name calling. I don't pull the admin card often but don't push it.

I certainly hope that you have your ears open on the adult board because it certainly doesn't seem like you have here. You have had 68 responses on this board and I think you have only "liked" about 5 of them. many of us have been reading the adult boards as well. With open ears. Crick deserves an apology and your daughter deserves to know her 1/2 sibling.

I am finding the answers I need now that I posted on the correct board. I do have my ears open there and have learned a lot. They don't all agree with me, but have made me look at things in a kind supportive way.This situation I am in IS unbelievable. That is why I am here looking for answers and support.To me "drama and mistruths" means I was exaggerating and lying and that was hurtful and offensive. I'm not asking for an apology because Crick does not have all of the facts in writing and has not walk a mile in our shoes and cannot know what is in the best interest of my child.My daughter will know her sibling ... when it is her choice... we will be open and always give her honest age appropriate answers. Some people believe adoption begins a new family. Others believe the old and new can co-exist. What works for your family may not work for mine. Each case has different factors and nuances to be taken into consideration. Thanks to those who did not judge and who really tried to help.Unsubscribed from this thread.

I think what people forget in the world of adoption is the actual child. I hear that phrase about what is right for each family - meaning the parents in that family. Many times the child is forgotten. In my mind, it should be her choice to STOP seeing the siblings, not her choice to START seeing the sibling. I think everyone here knows that you do not want her to have a relationship with any members of her bio family. Not the grandmother nor the innocent baby brother. I have a feeling that by the time your daughter is able to make "her choice" your feelings of resentment of them will already have made her decision for her. She will likely do what you want her to do. So I'm sure this situation will work out just fine in the end for YOU. Your child? I'm not so sure. When I give advice, I try to always think about the child and what is beneficial to them. So when you ask an opinion on something, and you don't hear what you want to hear, it has nothing to do with anyone being mean or not understanding you. Many people here have walked a mile in your shoes with our kids from foster care. I really do wish your daughter the best and I hope that the state is able to order you to some contact for the kids sake.

There are times where I don't agree, or haven't really researched the different aspects and intricate web of adoption so think that other's people opinion may be off, HOWEVER, this is NOT an I am right you are wrong board. I've learned a lot here and have changed in some ways of thinking (for the better), and I hope to continue to learn. For future reference, if you see this response....just say "thanks for your view" and leave it at that if you are that adamant that you're not going to change your mind.

BethanyB - Just delurking to thank you for summing this up so succinctly! This is something I feel in many situations (not just this one) and I thank you for putting clear words to it!

Thanks! It is something I have noticed too over the years.

I wanted to add one more thing - we never used the word brother to our daughter regarding her blood brothers. At the age of 6 she connected the dots but by that point she had a better understanding of the relationships and differences between -the brothers she lived with and the brothers born to the same mother. As far as the connection with birthmom - tell the other family you don't want information shared with her. Online store Wholesale of brand sports shoes,jordan,puma,nike,timberland [url=http://www.vogmall.com]Online Shop - Wholesale, Accept PayPal, Cheap Nike Air Jordan 2009, Adidas Shoes. Gucci, Prada, Coach, Chanel Handbag, ED Hardy Hoody. Cheap, Fast Plus Free Shipping. -[/url]

BethanyB I think you said this well. "I think what people forget in the world of adoption is the actual child. I hear that phrase about what is right for each family - meaning the parents in that family. Many times the child is forgotten. In my mind, it should be her choice to STOP seeing the siblings, not her choice to START seeing the sibling. I think everyone here knows that you do not want her to have a relationship with any members of her bio family. Not the grandmother nor the innocent baby brother. I have a feeling that by the time your daughter is able to make "her choice" your feelings of resentment of them will already have made her decision for her. She will likely do what you want her to do. So I'm sure this situation will work out just fine in the end for YOU. Your child? I'm not so sure." In regards to this comment: So when you ask an opinion on something, and you don't hear what you want to hear, it has nothing to do with anyone being mean or not understanding you. I honestly believe she did not want to even consider opposing views. She just wanted validations for hers. So one day she can say I asked a bunch of adoptive moms and went by their advice. I think this is the other post she is referring to: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-adoptive-family-relationships/366283-being-told-adoptee-point-view.html[/url]It is interesting reading.

Our situation has some similarities so I am hoping to give you a little different perspective. My duaghter is now 6 and has bio half siblings...and truthfully will have more eventually. Her bio mom also has many mental health issues. I share concerns with you over self full-filling beliefs and self esteem and will continue to figure out how and what to share about her birthmoms health history. In regards to the siblings, I do think that once our adoption was finalized I had a lot less anxiety about her having a relationship with bio siblings. We do not have court ordered visits and never have. the adoptive parents of her younger bio brother and I have decided on our own that we would like them to have some sort of relationship. I feel that it is in my daughters best interest to know him, have someone in her life that she can look at and see herself a little. She will not ever have the chance to meet her bio mom and I think as she gets older that it will be important to her to know him. It is also helpful for us adoptive moms to chat on occasion about such things as chronic ear infections and behavioral issues. Our situations do have many differences so I understand your frustration. We were given the oppertunity to adopt the younger brother, but opted not to since he was in a foster home that really wanted him and we had just had another baby placed with us for adoption. we live in a different State then bio sibling, so we are able to share pics and info, with an occasional visit. I do think it is important for us as adopted parents to try and put our own insecurities aside and remember that regardless of anything these children do come with a past (even if they are 3 days old when they enter our families). We are their parents regardless of anything else or any one else in thier lives. My adoptive daughters know that I am their mommy, that they came out of bios tummy, that they are each others sisters (although not biologically) and that they each have bio brother that came out of bios tummy too. They also have brothers who are their REAL brothers who came out of my tummy. It seems confusing and weird to others but in our family it is normal, unemotional and factual. I hope all this rambling helps a little. Good Luck

The "bond" you talk about isn't there right now and may never be but what will be there and will be more important than you can ever realize is the bond from coming from the same place, the same horrible situation, and from both being adopted. This could be the very thing that keeps your child from becoming one of those wandering adopted children that is always seeking and is never totally fulfilled. You can give her the world but if you take her connection to her identity away from her you will hurt her. Blessings!

I understand where you want to make sure she bonds with her adopted sibling, but I see it as important that she is able to bond with her bio siblings as well. Our daughter was adopted from foster care, we picked her up from the hospital and she was 21 months when adopted. Along with her adoptive siblings, she also has 2 full siblings (one before who was adopted privately and the one after her who is being raised by her birth parents). We finally found the adoptive parents of sibling one and have email contact (because they live very far away). Since the adoption, we have had an open relationship with some of her relatives, but the parents are not interested in seeing our little one or having her around her new sibling. I so wanted her parents to be interested in seeing her or let her see her sibling. I have only heard the benefits of keeping the most connections and having as many people in a child's life that are safe/positive. It is about what is best for your child, not is what the easiest is for you. You have an opportunity to give her something so important as a sibling bond with not just one, but 2. Everything I have read promotes being open and discussing adoption early so it is never a surprise. Be more reassured that she will always love you and her adoptive siblings. It can be explained similar to parents having several children, it doesn't mean you love one less because you have another, your love just grows for all of them. I am hopeful that our daughter will someday have an open relationship with her bio parents (when they are safe and ready) and with all her siblings. It has and will always be about what is best for her. Good luck!