Half-siblings... it's complicated

Why not start a thread with a poll. People could "vote" their beliefs/feelings without opening themselves up to "attack." Of course, once again, the results would not necessarily be representative of the wider population since it would be self-selected.

I find it kind of interesting, and actually quite wonderful, that most of the aparents on here are considered open adoption zealots! If anything, I would think aparents are the ones who would have the "hardest" time accepting an open adoption - from what I've heard, it's even one of the reasons some choose international (fear of birthparent contact/disputed adoption, etc). It takes a great deal of education, and growing in yourself (IMO) to realize an open adoption can be one of the greatest gifts you give your child, and is really quite selfless. I think it also takes a lot of confidence - in yourself as a parent and in your values etc to truly believe in open adoption. Not saying that we, as aparents don't often get something out of it in the end...I know many on here have made wonderful new friends in their childrens birth family and consider it to be an extension of their own family. Now - before I get "attacked" :evilgrin: I'm not saying it isn't hard at times for birth family as well - of course it must be! So, personally, I think it's wonderful that adoption has "grown" so much that many are open adoption zealots, and so many are willing to stretch their thinking in the best interest of their kiddos! WOOHOO!

I also want to mention that I do not consider myself to be an open adoption zelot. I understand that some people choose closed adoption for different reasons and that is their choice along with the birthparents choice. However, when we speak of foster care and children not being adopted at birth, it is a bit different. The state believes in trying to keep siblings together and if not in the same home, at least with visitation. They do that for the welfare of the children involved. The children did not asked to be split apart from biological siblings. I think many adoptive parents have had that insecurity where we fear our kids won't truly love us as their "real" mom or dad. I think many of us felt threatened by the thought of contact with a child's bio family. But for ME, once I researched how contact benefits the CHILD, I realized that my CHILD'S happiness is much more important than mine. And by being open to what is best for my child, and not making my child feel like he or she should have to choose one set of parents over another, I know that my child will love me unconditionally, just as I love him and her. There is really a freedom and a relief in coming to that understanding and just wanting your child to be happy and have a great sense of self. And as far as wanting to know siblings...my mom placed a child for adoption a few years before I was born and a few years after my older sister was born. We both feel like there is a missing piece to our family out there and we wish we could have contact.

Interesting that you say this regarding your pm's. I'm not an OA Zealot. In fact, my kids are in a closed adoption and do not have contact with their birth family. My whole point stemmed from confusion that #1 - you aren't the legal parent yet so if that's the case then you kind of do have to roll with the wishes of the state. #2 - you have an already conceived idea that visits at this age (toddler) would be confusing and I don't see where there is any confusion to be had. They'll play and that's that really. Meaning, I don't think there will be any damage from her playing with a sibling a few times. I absolutely believe in a parent's right to decide if there should be a relationship with anyone. I just hope your plans and opinions for your decisions are coming from a place of what is in the best interests of your child. If so, then by all means...do not have contact after the adoption is finalized. I think where you are seeing some disagreeing opinions are based on your notion that it won't matter at all and seem to voice that based in fact. No one would push OA if that's not what you want, but they'll offer a perspective of it so you could perhaps look at a bigger picture of "possibilities" and make a more informed decision. If your decision stays the same, then that's fine - it's yours to make. People just hope that you'll have additional information to make that decision with. Support doesn't always come in the voice of agreement...:)

KarenB: As an adoptee, I can't agree with you on the following: My bparents each married other people and had families after I was born. I have met my birthsiblings but I didn't and still don't feel a "sibling bond" with them( I have known them for five years). What we do have in "common" is that we all share the same DNA. So for me I have something in "common" with them, but I don't have the same bond with them that I have with my asister who I grew up with. I agree with this quote to a point. Maybe what the OP is trying to say is her daughter doesn't have the same memories and history of that life, like she does with her afamily. Most of us ( adoptees) don't search for our bfamilies until we are older. Remember we have a mother, father and a family already, so a lot of us dont/ didn't miss our bfamilies while growing-up. We mostly search when we are expecting a child ( that's when I started my search); are curious about our medical background or want questions answered.There are some adoptees that don't feel complete, but a lot of us do feel complete just knowing our afamily as our family. I think maybe the OP has some concerns about being "forced" to maintain contact with the other family and feels forced visitation isn't in her child's or family's best interest. Maybe the OP feels the CW is trying to force a relationship on the child and she, as the parent doesn't agree with this POV, which is her right as a parent. I agree that play dates aren't a bad idea, but visits every two weeks is too much. To the OP, I would speak to an attorney and see if what the CW is saying is true. I wish you the best,Manni:flower:

Hi Manni, Thanks for your thoughts on what I said, I'm always happy to hear another side! And, of course, as an aparent, I tend to read so much on adult adoptees who struggle, so it is always very nice to hear that is not always the case! And I just want to be clear here - I am not saying at all that every time blood = bond. I have almost no contact with my parents (bio) and I am much, much closer to my DH's parents (and family) than I ever will be to my own. Same with my extended family...in fact, I am convocating this weekend and it is his parents and sister that are doing the 8 hour drive for the ceremony, not mine who live an hour away. So, I do get that. I guess what makes me uneasy is when aparents seem to deny any bond between their adopted children and birth family. Maybe there won't be, ever. But I think that is up to the child to decide, not the aparents, you know? What bothered me with this thread was not so much wanting to wait until the kids were older to meet, it was many other things that were said that seemed to completely negate the original family. And when I said "you can't miss someone you never knew" and that I disagreed with that - that also comes from personal experience. I had an older brother who died before I was born, and a younger sister who only lived for hours. While I didn't miss them as "people I knew", I missed not having them in my life, especially as a little kid who longed for siblings, and still do. I'm an only child and along with that comes alot - it would be so nice to have them around! That's more what I meant, but I see what you are saying too - that that isn't true for everyone!

Why not make the half-bio-sibling part of her adoption story from the beginning and let it be her choice if/when she wants to me him? If I show her photos and use his name and encourge her to want to meet him that could only strengthen our bond with her. When she says "Mommy can we [him]" I contact the boys grandma and we do it. That way he is part of her story and part of her life, but she is not court ordered at an age where she is nonverbal and easily confused and cannot ask questions. I can keep in contact with the grandmother of the boy through email until that day comes. Before I disagreed that he was part of her story because her story began with us before the baby boy was conceived and the mother they share in common had her rights to my daughter terminated before the baby boy was born. Psychologists agree that when a child comes from abuse and neglect that when those children are adopted they need a new story. But, after reading this board I see the dangers of her "finding out". We believe her adoption story should be told in small age appropriate blocks that she can understand, we now understand that we can include the baby boy and all future bio-half-siblings in her story with little or no harm, we understand that it can only be BENEFICIAL to be open with her and answer all of her questions honestly and age appropriately....but, we still believe it should be her choice when to meet the siblings and it to have it disrupt her sense of security and confuse her self image at an age where she cannot express her feelings. There is a world of difference between him being part of her story and her growing up knowing that and knowing him.... and court ordered visits between a 7 month old and 21 month old where the courts placed them apart when the boy was born and ordered a separation of siblings because there was compelling evidence that the children needed to be placed and raised apart from one another. We think the court ordered visits contradict that... and you all know that a separation of siblings is never something they do "just because". We never even knew there was a such thing. They had to go before the court and show "compelling evidence" why they needed to be placed apart. When I asked if it was in her best I interest to move her with her brother they said it was in her best interest to be with us. They said the boys grandmother did not want her. They didn't want to hurt me and knew it was in my daughter's best interest to be with me and said they would not have let her been raised by them, but legally they had to offer. They did not want her and their home was not approved for 2 children. Five months passed and they said they were going to order a separation of siblings and asked the grandmother again if she wanted my daughter and she said she felt horrible turning down her grandson's half-sibling but she knew my daughter had already bonded with me and my husband and my family. They told her not to feel guilty, that she was right, and they had compelling evidence to order a separation of siblings and so it was done. So, they had an opportunity to have these siblings raised together. They could've placed them both with us or the grandmother of the boy could've accepted my daughter (not her son's child)but ALL parties agreed it was in my daughter's best interest to be raised by me and the boy's best interest to be raised by his bio-paternal-grandma who is no relation to my daughter. So....these visits are in direct opposition of the compelling evidence they showed twice... when the baby was born and when the court ordered the separation. Also, I just read the seperation of siblings and they said all parties were in agreement and we were. The court order was ammended to include sibling visits 3 weeks later and the judge was told it was an amicable decision agreed on by all parties. I was at the hearing for the separation of siblings and they knew they could not tell him that with me present... so, they went back 3 weeks later and told him I agreed "pro se" and I was not even told about that hearing. Until THAT point I had no lawyer. All agree it is in her best interest for me to raise her... so LET raise her. She will know about him from the beginning, she will grow up knowing about him, it should be her choice when she is verbal and understands and asks to meet him... answering her questions openly and honestly and age-appropriately is healthiest for her. We won't ignore her blood ties... but her past, present and future are to be raised by us with HER best interest in mind. My original thought was "great more people to love her" but research shows she MUST know about this and all future siblings... but, she needs to go fro knowing of them to meeting them and it should be her decision. I'm not saying when she's 30 or 18 or even 10. You all have experience .... it will probably come when se is 6 or 7 and she'll grow up knowing him. But, court ordered visits now are... as psychologists verified my feelings....invasive, intrusive, unsuitable, and telling her too soon, too fast will cause her problems with self-image and emotional development. I did learn from some on this board that telling her too late could be worse. I'm not saying no visits ever, I'm just saying not now. BTW... I didn't hire a lawyer until last month, 2 an adoptive foster parent does not only have the right... but, the responsibility to express their feelings about bio-family visits, and the court ordered visits were requested under false pretenses and can be removed or reevaluated. Like I said, this board did make me realize that waiting too long would be hurtful to my child, but Longing2bmom, private messages and the adult adoptee forums made me realize her story is with us, he is part of her story, but he has a place in her story but under the circumstances in this particular case he is not the co-star in her story because they share a quarter or, at most, half of the same blood. She is my daughter... my son is her brother.... my husband is most certainly "da da" : ) Her heart does not know genetics. We will always do what is in her best interest. It was, is and always will be in her best interest to be raised by us. So, let us raise her.

I think for now since it is court ordered what you must do is simply comply. She will at this time not know who the boys is, she will simply think of it as a play date. It wont' hurt or help at this point. You have to co-operate until the adoption is final. I don't think it will hurt her to meet him and play with him, after all that is all she will see it as. Take pictures of them together and later when she asks about him you can show her the pictures. Then if she wants to meet him again she can. She won't remember these meetings now and if you don't make them a big deal they won't be to her. She will pick up on your attitude though if you are feeling negative or hostile towards this baby, she will too. Remember, he is just a baby, he is not the enemy, he had no say either.

That baby boy is not the enemy. He is not being given a choice either. She goes to many playdates now, but not with 7 month old. They want a post-adoptive contract saying that even after the adoption is finalized the visits will continue every 2 weeks for the rest of her life (til 18). Everybody says to do the visits and once the adoption is finalized it's my choice to decide what is in her best interest. They are saying they are treating us and the boy's parents like a "divorced couple" which IS what they said and are giving us no choice. When I sent the clothed and diapers I had set aside for the baby boy to the grandma, she sent me a Thank You note and a photo of the baby boy for my daugther's baby book for later. Later is not 5 months later and she was fine with keeping in contact until the kids were ready until DHHR arranged a meeting and told us both that it was THE LAW that the siblings have visits. It is a mess and nobody is the enemy. We are all doing what we think is in the best interest of our prospective children. I'm just saying if there is evidence the visits could be beneficial AND evidence it could be detrimental.... it is ultimately our decision what we feel is in the best interest of our child.

What does your lawyer say? Would that contract be enforceable after the adoption is final? Every other weekend sounds like a lot! I can just see you telling a sixteen-year-old girl "No, you can't go to your best friend's Sweet Sixteen Party because that is the weekend you have to go visit your bio-brother and your bio-grandmother!" And he would probably be equally thrilled to have to spend every other weekend with his sister! Not!Keeping in touch, and having regular contact is one thing but this sounds extreme! Does it come from the CW, the judge or grandma?Also, is it the law that they "have visits" or the law that they be "permitted to have visits"? That is a big difference.What if bio-brother ends up in jail (or juvenile)? Does she HAVE TO visit every other week? Or if bio-grandma dies and he goes to live with another relative -- maybe even out of state? I know those are extreme examples, but they could happen.I think you need to have an in-depth talk with your lawyer and find out what your options are and what the law really says!

The grandma didn't want the visits now. She was ok with staying in contact until the kids were older. The judge said at the separation hearing they should be raised separately until the CWs went in with a court order they old him I agreed to. They do have the right to know about each other. But court ordered visits for life are extreme. Once I agree the contract is enforceable. I want her to be happy and it could only benefit my bond with her to encourage the visits and make them a pleasant experience for her. But not now, not yet. And I can't agree that if I EVER feel the visits are detrimental or unsuitable or my husband ever has to take a job in another state that I will not have the right to have the visits stopped on her behalf. I can't agree that when she gets old enough to tell me she doesn't want to go for any reason that I have to take her anyway or I will be held in contempt of court. It is a horrible feeling to know that I am and will be helpless in protecting my child now and in the future. If I am going to raise her I should be able to choose what I think is in her best interest instead of a table full of lawyers and CWs who will not be around to pick up the pieces.BTW.... she was just assigned a new GAL. He was not acting in her best interest by allowing separation of sibling notice to be ammended to include sibling visits when my husband and I did not agree to it. The ammended order said we agreed "pro se" and we did not. Like I said from the beginning ....it's complicated. I love the idea about going on the adult adoptee forumsnd doing poll about how and when is the best way to handle this. I really want to do what is in her best interest and would like to know from that perspective.

I would definitely fight any court order obligating you to visits, especially one that was gained by deceit as it sounds like this one was (telling the judge you agreed to it when you didn't). However, if worse came to worse and the court order had to stand, what's to stop you and the grandma from just not abiding by it? If neither one of you want the visits, than whose going to know or complain if you don't do them?

I personally would NOT agree to this. Every two weeks is insane (literally). I go more than that without seeing my own mom or MIL sometimes. And it just gets harder when the kids are older, have activities, etc. I haven't read all the responses, but I do believe that it is great if bio brothers and sisters can know each other. DD visits with her bio sisters once a year and I think it is really neat to see them together, and she seems to enjoy it (she is 4). (Though I will admit that my DH, an adoptee, said he is glad that he didn't know growing up that he had bio brothers and sisters (raised by bmom)...of course, he only knows what he knows..and thinks that's "best.") Even though the gma may agree with you to have fewer visits (or later on in life), I wouldn't agree to this now, because what happens if she dies, e.g. (not to be morbid). The contact order seems to "run" with the kids (not the adults). It almost seems to me like the "system" separated the children and now somehow wants to make up for that. But you each have your own families and imo it should be up to YOU (you and gma) to figure out what works best. I personally think that "best" would be knowing about each other, seeing each other as makes sense to you and his gma, etc. But every two weeks...no.

I must say that I missed the part about it being every two weeks. I agree that is way too often. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year and more if the relationship builds. I do agree with the OP that she will pick up on your attitude/feelings towards the baby/birthfamily etc.But I really do not understand why not have any visits at all now? What is wrong with her seeing her little baby brother and normalizing the relationship so there never has to be a big "meeting" of one another. Why not start occasional visits now and have her growing up just always knowing him.Also - it sounds like the compelling evidence to order a separation of siblings was because of living arrangements and attachments not because there is a specific reason to separate the siblings. In other words there is no compelling reason that a relationship between the siblings is going to be harmful or damaging.But I do also understand that you want to feel like you have autonomy over your child and family. I understand that. I think that you got people's back up when you came across as so negative toward any part of her birth family and so against her having a relationship with her little brother.good Luck

I haven't read thru all the responses but I am in a situation where sibling contact is not int he best interest of my family. My son's 1/2 sib was taken into care & the other family maintains regular contact w/ birth mom & current boyfriend. They have shown up to the sibs house w/ drugs & guns. I choose not to develop a relationship between my son & a sib he has never met. My son is adopted & it is my decision. We do not need to be ambushed at a park or public place for meetings between baby 1/2 siblings (now toddlers) I don't need the other family to give out my info. My son is my family 100%, not PART of my family, genetically another family ect... He does not need to see that his 1/2 sib lives a much different life than we do (poverty, drugs, illegal behavior w/ in the family but not his home)If sibling bonds were SO important to the courts & CPS they'd place siblings at birth. My sons cw knew of the sib & didn't place w/ me -I didn't know about him until 12-18 months.Perhaps the OP is in a similar situation & as the only caregiver of this child knows her better than any of us. However, because she is still "foster" CPS & the courts have the final say. I would agree & follow thru on letters & photos to be exchanged thru the CPS office. I agreed to it & bio mom disappeared w/ in 6 months of the adoption. Good luck to the OP - again, if sib contact is so important to CPS & the courts they should place them together not dictate parenting or moral/ethical obligations to siblings when they didn't have any in the first place.