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I wanted to add one more thing - we never used the word brother to our daughter regarding her blood brothers. At the age of 6 she connected the dots but by that point she had a better understanding of the relationships and differences between -the brothers she lived with and the brothers born to the same mother.
As far as the connection with birthmom - tell the other family you don't want information shared with her.
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BethanyB I think you said this well.
"I think what people forget in the world of adoption is the actual child. I hear that phrase about what is right for each family - meaning the parents in that family. Many times the child is forgotten. In my mind, it should be her choice to STOP seeing the siblings, not her choice to START seeing the sibling. I think everyone here knows that you do not want her to have a relationship with any members of her bio family. Not the grandmother nor the innocent baby brother. I have a feeling that by the time your daughter is able to make "her choice" your feelings of resentment of them will already have made her decision for her. She will likely do what you want her to do. So I'm sure this situation will work out just fine in the end for YOU. Your child? I'm not so sure."
In regards to this comment:
So when you ask an opinion on something, and you don't hear what you want to hear, it has nothing to do with anyone being mean or not understanding you.
I honestly believe she did not want to even consider opposing views. She just wanted validations for hers. So one day she can say I asked a bunch of adoptive moms and went by their advice.
I think this is the other post she is referring to: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-adoptive-family-relationships/366283-being-told-adoptee-point-view.html[/url]It is interesting reading.
Our situation has some similarities so I am hoping to give you a little different perspective. My duaghter is now 6 and has bio half siblings...and truthfully will have more eventually. Her bio mom also has many mental health issues. I share concerns with you over self full-filling beliefs and self esteem and will continue to figure out how and what to share about her birthmoms health history. In regards to the siblings, I do think that once our adoption was finalized I had a lot less anxiety about her having a relationship with bio siblings. We do not have court ordered visits and never have. the adoptive parents of her younger bio brother and I have decided on our own that we would like them to have some sort of relationship. I feel that it is in my daughters best interest to know him, have someone in her life that she can look at and see herself a little. She will not ever have the chance to meet her bio mom and I think as she gets older that it will be important to her to know him. It is also helpful for us adoptive moms to chat on occasion about such things as chronic ear infections and behavioral issues.
Our situations do have many differences so I understand your frustration. We were given the oppertunity to adopt the younger brother, but opted not to since he was in a foster home that really wanted him and we had just had another baby placed with us for adoption. we live in a different State then bio sibling, so we are able to share pics and info, with an occasional visit.
I do think it is important for us as adopted parents to try and put our own insecurities aside and remember that regardless of anything these children do come with a past (even if they are 3 days old when they enter our families). We are their parents regardless of anything else or any one else in thier lives. My adoptive daughters know that I am their mommy, that they came out of bios tummy, that they are each others sisters (although not biologically) and that they each have bio brother that came out of bios tummy too. They also have brothers who are their REAL brothers who came out of my tummy. It seems confusing and weird to others but in our family it is normal, unemotional and factual.
I hope all this rambling helps a little. Good Luck
The "bond" you talk about isn't there right now and may never be but what will be there and will be more important than you can ever realize is the bond from coming from the same place, the same horrible situation, and from both being adopted. This could be the very thing that keeps your child from becoming one of those wandering adopted children that is always seeking and is never totally fulfilled. You can give her the world but if you take her connection to her identity away from her you will hurt her.
Blessings!
I understand where you want to make sure she bonds with her adopted sibling, but I see it as important that she is able to bond with her bio siblings as well. Our daughter was adopted from foster care, we picked her up from the hospital and she was 21 months when adopted. Along with her adoptive siblings, she also has 2 full siblings (one before who was adopted privately and the one after her who is being raised by her birth parents). We finally found the adoptive parents of sibling one and have email contact (because they live very far away). Since the adoption, we have had an open relationship with some of her relatives, but the parents are not interested in seeing our little one or having her around her new sibling. I so wanted her parents to be interested in seeing her or let her see her sibling. I have only heard the benefits of keeping the most connections and having as many people in a child's life that are safe/positive. It is about what is best for your child, not is what the easiest is for you. You have an opportunity to give her something so important as a sibling bond with not just one, but 2. Everything I have read promotes being open and discussing adoption early so it is never a surprise. Be more reassured that she will always love you and her adoptive siblings. It can be explained similar to parents having several children, it doesn't mean you love one less because you have another, your love just grows for all of them. I am hopeful that our daughter will someday have an open relationship with her bio parents (when they are safe and ready) and with all her siblings. It has and will always be about what is best for her. Good luck!
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