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I did research both sides to ensure I was doing the best thing for my child. DNA is not a sibling bond. I was hurt we did not get the boy, but was gracious to the grandmother. Isn't it best to not confuse
her and cause her identity issues as a young child? I am not saying they don't have 1/4 or 1/2 of the same blood. I'm saying there is no bond. No perceived or felt family connection. That cannot ever be obtained by playdates every 90 days. They had a choice of placing them together and at that time knew the children would never feel loss if they were raised apart. You can't miss somebody you never know. Years from now we will tell her appropriately and let it be her choice instead of our family having this forced on us.
Should I have been phony and said I would agree and when the adoption was final stop them? The adoption will be final in a couple months. But then they said they were going to court order visits "for the rest of
their lives like the grandmother and I were a divorced couple". That is the point at which I contacted a lawyer.
It is insulting and intrusive. I would think they would realize the ripple effect this would have on the foster care system. How many parents with loving, nurturing homes won't touch foster care with a 10 foot pole because they feel helpless while children they get attached to are having their whole lives decided by people who don't even know them. Doesn't the T in MDT stand for team? Who in the world knows my daughter better than me? Who in the world loves my daughter more than me? Now that I have legal rights I'm going to use them. I want what's best for her and truly believe that I am choosing the lesser of 2 (really 3) evils. 1.) I could continue these visits now and disrupt her stable family and damage her self-image 2.) I could stop the visits and she could handle her emotions (if any) when she is older and better equipped or 3.) I could ask the court for custody of the baby and hurt the grandmother. If you think stopping the sibling visit is harmful... are you saying #3 is the best option? I believe NOW that #3 would've been (knowing what I know now) 7 months ago. But right now, at this point in time the best of the three options would have to be to stop the visits now and nobody gets hurt or confused. We don't have some self-fulfilling prophecy... when my daughter is a teenager I can tell her she has siblings and when she can handle it she can meet him/them instead of seeing him/them before her idenity is formed and being told that is her family. Then she thinks that's who she is or she gets confused about her idenity and SHE ends up a teenager with 2 kids she can't take care of, on drugs and mentally ill and the cycle continues and we all end up around the MDT table again. Also... we agree to this visit... bio-mom is 19 and rumored pregnant for the 5th time, so I'm not bitter about not getting the new baby because many others are sure to come along. Where will they place those children? And what about any kids bio-dad fathers? It's so sad, but I did laugh a little when I told my husband if we agree to these visits in ten years we will have to rent a hall for sibling visits. We have an amazing family. I can't go into details, but we are the textbook perfect family with two loving parents, one boy and one girl, a beautiful home, 2 vacation homes, etc. etc. What happens when that little boys tells his grandma it's not fair that his sister gets to have 2 parents who aren't old, a stay at home mom (by choice, I have 3 college degrees), a wealthy father, elaborate vacations, a pony, a puppy, a car, etc. etc. etc. We could've "bought a baby" as someone once said to me... but, we were doing foster care. We had several children placed with us prior to her. She became available for adoption and we are in love with her. We want to give her a loving, normal, healthy, stable home. So why not allow us to do that for that child. Happily ever after happens in real life... it won't be perfect or a fairytale, but we truly want what's best for her. They have already told me when the bio-mom has more children they would like me to consider them... after telling me I cannot decide what is in the best interest of the child I have now. Then I will have to decide what is in the best interest of my children and am I willing to deal with the department or the system again.