Any other adoptees who are also infertile?

Untethered, I am not an adoptee, but my husband is...and "we" are infertile (I say "we" because we have a case of "unexplained infertility." I suspect it is "more me," but who knows?). I know it was pretty hard on DH....he said he was always hoping to "see" someone who looked like him. His two sibs (adopted) had bio kids and I think he thought that was pretty cool. In any event, we ended up adopting our DD, and he is gaga over her (of course). He also has made some contact with his birth mom and a birth sister (also adopted)...though he still has not "met" anyone in person...I hope he does someday. Good luck to you -- infertility is very hard (I know), and I suspect it is even harder as an adoptee. Although infertility treatments never worked for us, they did for many of my infertile friends (I don't know if you are pursuing treatments or not).

loveajax, Thank you so much for sharing. Congratulations on your daugther! She's lucky to have someone who knows what it's like to be adopted, that will probably be a blessing for all of you. I'm not doing treatments anymore -- I have pretty much come to accept that I'll never have a bio child. At the time (my treatments were about 10 years ago), I didn't even make the connection that the loss might be compounded since I also don't have bio parents. It's probably good I didn't realize it at the time (at least not consciously), or that might have been overwhelming. As you know, it's hard enough already. Thanks again.

I actually just got told by my doctor this week that I am infertile. Fortunately, I had been thinking I was for many months so the news wasn't as devestating as if I would of gotten the news a year ago. That being said, it still sucks! Ever since I was a little girl there was nothing I wanted more than to get married and have kids. I do not have any info about it. I think it is great that you are connecting and trying to get info about it and spread the info. I believe I am detached from not only my family that raised me, but my new family I married into. I don't know if having a baby would actually solve that, but.... I do love my family and feel loved by them.

unique82 It does suck. I'm so sorry to hear about the recent news from your doctor. Are you looking for any info in particular? It's great that you're surrounded by a loving family. I feel pretty detached, too. As you say, I know a bio child wouldn't necessarily change that, but I do wonder what it's like to have that connection.

Sorry to hear that. Im in the exact same situation. Im 38 and both my adoptive parents are gone now too. plus I am an only child and adoptee........ I do wish you luck! maybe its that we are supposed to return the the blessing our adoptive parents gave to us.?

I was adopted and while I am not infertile, I did form my family through adoption. I must point out to you that I DO have my own child. I hope that with time you will work through your issues and find a way to be happy with the family that you do have. Also, you may find that technology makes a biological family possible for you when you were never expecting one.

Yes that me too. I feel as though there is something missing, which makes me feel sad and empty when I stop to think about it. But I try to carry on without dwelling on it. How can anything I do change things? It's a situation I'm stuck with, so I do my best to stay positive and upbeat and not to think about it too much.

Its devastating. All I've ever wanted was a child of my own, and I have been denied that. Being a step-mom is so hard on me sometimes. Raising, rearing and loving a child that doesn't recognize me as his mother, makes my heart ache for my adoptive mom. What must she have gone through with all of my dis-associative issues? They adopted me at 11 months old after I had only spent 6 months with my birth mother. I can understand my step son not considering me mom, as I didn't come into his life until he was 7, and his mom is still a part of his life. It truly grieves me that I don't know where I come from, and that when I'm gone, there won't be anyone to carry on for me. No grandchildren to play at my knee when I'm older, no great grandchildren to spoil as my days draw short. I think that may be one of the reasons that I want to know where I came from so badly. Its obvious where my end of the line is going. I think that being a foster parent might kill me inside. I'd be crushed every time that they removed a child. And adoption is out of the question, as we're not well off enough to even consider the legal expenses of it. Coping is hard. My husband doesn't understand my pain. Oh, he knows how badly it hurts me, but he has a son. So he even admits that he can't fathom what I go through. He knows where he comes from. The middle names of the eldest sons through their line for at least 10 generations has been the same. He can call his dad and his mom and he can see himself in their faces. He can look at his son and see himself in his face. I don't have that. Its a very lonely feeling sometimes.

OP, I’m sorry for your struggle. Infertility is profoundly difficult, that someone who is infertile was given into family through adoption only makes the struggle all that much harder. I’m 55, divorced 20 years. For the 10 years of my marriage I was unable to carry a pregnancy beyond the first trimester. After a miscarriage and two ectopic pregnancies, one of which that ruptured and the second leaving me with a non-functional tube, I caught my husband having an affair. It would turn out that was only the latest one. My aparents died before I was married and I am an only child. A few years after my divorce, my afamily informed me that I wasn’t a real member of the family. Aside from one brief conversation with a cousin after his mother died, she was the last of our parent’s generation to die, I have spoken to none of them since. My experience is that the transition into adulthood has been difficult. My ability to find commonality with my peers, already an area where I struggled as a consequence of the coming to family through adoption, became next to impossible. I also struggled with the trauma response of “selective avoidance,” not wanting contact with relationships and situations which might stimulate my grief. My friendships were forever altered, though menopause has made it easier to have friends; enjoying my friends grandchildren is easier. These are but a few of the struggles. This whole journey of the self without the contexts of biology and any sort of family is complex and difficult.I’ve spent quite a bit of time in therapy. Most recently, in EMDR, which has been a difficult treatment modality, but an amazingly effective way to navigate and draw new meaning around my complicated grief, attachment and abandonment issues. I also credit a 20 year commitment to Spiritual Direction. I have a great job where I am respected and contribute and am working toward several more advanced certifications and competencies. I have some good friends and as much social life and I would like; I am by nature an introvert and my job is heavy people contact. I volunteer in the community and am active in a great church where I am often invited to preach and teach; I am also quite involved in our mission outreach. I’ve learned to embrace the meaning that comes my way. An example: on Easter I had not been invited to join anyone for their family gathering and struggled a bit, but also spent the time purposely trying to focus my attention on a truly beautiful moment I shared with a couple on the way out of church; trying to truly attend the value of that small gift. I have also figured out that the way to age well, especially with no family or partner, is to continue to learn and grow and be of good use and service to those in need; my volunteer position is at a shelter for homeless persons who are unmediated and mentally ill. I have worked hard and risked much but am happy and excited about out my life. There is not much in the psychological literature about our unique life circumstances. I’ve found the trauma therapy paradigms the most humane. I also appreciate how well they normalize all the “crazy” thoughts, feeling and behaviors while they are being worked through.Hope this is of some value.

I too am adopted, been married for almost 20 years, and not one child to show for it. I'm now 46 and feeling very upset. I never wanted my life to be this way, that's just the way it worked out. I've often wondered if my desire for a family is to some how make right what happened to me...that is, to really be apart of a family tree by starting my own. I can't find any resources either geared to someone who is adopted and also infertile. I wonder if Dr. Phil...........

Is there any way you can foster /adopt. That cost is a lot less than private adoption. Also with your step, treat him good and he will let you be in his kids your life. Even with bad step parents. They end up watching their step kids. I have cousins that wishes their step mom loved their kids as much as her real grand kids. But the grandkids still call the step grandma (grandma). It makes no different to them, this lady doesn't deserve it.

MyzPhoenyx needs to check her email! Call me, text me, email me!!! I am your birth mother's sister! Cheer up! YOU have TONS of family just waiting to meet you!