Support for NOT telling a child they are adopted???

I do know that there are still families who are strongly opposed to telling their kids they are adopted, or making adoption a part of their family history. They strongly believe it would be detrimental. I and Dh can't think of a valid reason in the United States to not tell. I suppose perhaps if there is someone in the witness protection program, or something along those lines? I can't imagine that there are THAT many of those kinds of extenuating circumstances, though. Most families who keep adoption a secret are trying to protect their pride or keep a family secret of some sort. (sorry, don't mean to sound harsh) Those are the kinds of cases that I know about. Seriously, in my extended family, there is an adopted person who doesn't know that they are adopted. (- that I know of, and I'm not going to ask! :eek:) There was a young unwed mother and this was the early 50's, so...a relative adopted the child and nothing was ever said again. Well, obviously it was because I know and other people know, but you kwim. The other family I can think of off the top of my head were unable to totally prevent the child from knowing they were adopted because the child was adopted from another country. However, this child is not allowed to know about, discuss, read, or even have a map with the country of birth on it. Seriously, this family has expunged ANY mention of the country in their home AT ALL. :confused: The family makes no reference to the child's country of origin, ever, not even in relation to global economy or history or for any reason whatsoever. They adopted internationally so they would have a closed adoption and the child need never know anything about their birth family. The adoptive mother appears to be a bit insecure and works to control in minute detail all aspects of their family life. To me this is a heartbreaking situation. This child has little chance of forming healthy relationships with the adoptive parents, IMO, and the adoptive parents seem to have hampered themselves from having a healthy relationship with the child, either. :( Dh remembers having a true trauma when he found out there wasn't a Santa Claus, and he struggled with believing his parents for a time after that. (I was like, "Really? Come on...really?!" LOL But for him it was a big deal. But then, I had an older sib who 'helped' to educate me many times along the way.) Happily his parents were frank about his history, to the best of their knowledge. I can't imagine what kind of a trauma he would have suffered if his folks had lied to him about something really important, like his family history. Trust is the issue at the root of telling children about their birth histories, whatever that may encompass. The idea that we all have happy families of origin who, to a man, had UltraBrite smiles, with moms who wore twinsets and pearls and dads who wore button-down collars and sport coats is simply ludicrous. None of us have a totally Twinkie set of relatives all the way back to Adam. Honesty is still the best policy, IMO. (Obviously. :gnome: )

I had an ex-friend who is not telling two of her children that they were adopted. Of course was is half Chinese and the other half black. Since she is blond hair, blue eyes....it will only be a matter of time before they figured it out. Her older children know that the two are adopted...the son is not very nice and I could see him telling them. They know they do not have fathers...but they are to young to question it. She adopted two more and they still have contact w/ their bio mom. I told CPS, among other issues, they she had not told them of their adoptions and while they were not ok with it...they did not address it. Those children are already on a path of distruction and if they find out about their adoptions it could throw them for a bad loop. One of the boys even have a sister that was in his adoptive home that she distrupted...so he lost his sister too. They did have one visit with bio mom and was told that she was to act as a friend......nothing more.I honestly see no good coming of it.Happy123

A friend of mine told me that her 6year old (bi-racial) daughter asked her white mom why her skin is so dark and if she was black. Rather than telling her the truth that she is half african american she said, "oh no hunny your just really tan". I was horrified and stunned. I asked her why she wouldn't tell her the truth and she acted like i was out of my mind for even suggesting it and said she will never know about that horrible man she was engaged to and that she wasn't black. :( I thought that was such a betrayal to her daughter, not only denying her knowledge about herself and her bio-father but also denying half of who she is as african american heritage. Someday her daughter will figure it out and how will she feel about herself and her heritage? Like it is shameful or something to be hidden.

I can think of reasons to not share certain details, but not anything in regards to the actual knowledge of "yes you were adopted".I just asked dh (adoptee) and he said "No". But we both thought of Charles Manson's kids...So like I said...details, perhaps. Barki touched on what I thought of initially though...really extreme circumstances like the witness protection program etc.But really, you'd have to fake a pregnancy or at least not share anything with your family (live elsewhere for 9 months) and just lie from the get go to pull anything off? Can't figure out why anyone would want to go through all that. Those international people? Seriously deranged. Like the kid is never going to figure it out?? C'mon.

My cousin went with a guy. He was in his mid-30's when his mother died. He found out he was adopted when the relatives tell him he gets no money because he's adopted. He became self-destructive after that. There's no reason not to tell a child he/she is adopted. They don't need to know all the details (mine don't-yet) but we celebrate our non-traditonal family!

I was not told I was adopted by my Dad till I was 23 or so. My mother who raised me, IS my bio-Mom and in my case...My mom chose not to tell me because my BioDad wanted nothing to do with me and I spent a great deal of my childhood and teenage hood very sick and in the hospital. I think in my case, do I feel a child, like me should have been told....the answer is yes. But today at 37 years old...I look back and though I wished I had known and always felt different then my siblings....I today am glad I didn't know till later. In MY case... the venom my Bio-Dad had towards my adoptive Dad and Bio-Mom was very bad. My Bio-Dad didn't want me for one simple reason...because he did not want his OTHER kids to have a HALF sibling...no other reason. Once I found out the TRUTH....I searched my birth Dad out and the whole time on the phone...all he did was run my parents down. YET these people who raised me, did a great job being there for me and taking care of me. It took me years to figure where I fit in this mess...was I mad at my Mom for NOT telling me, yes...but then again...after meeting this man who WAS my biological Dad..I realized she was right for keeping it from me. Because had I known my whole life how much he hated my existence...I NEVER would have had MY DAD..the man who adopted me, and loved me. I would have always felt "fatherless." In MY situation....I am today, glad I found out later and had the opportunity to grow up with a Mom AND a Dad and felt wanted...which I did. But I DO believe a child SHOULD know unless there is some horrible circumstance where they need for their own well-being NOT to know till they are old enough to understand. For me, If I do adopt..I will raise my child to know the truth. But in my individual case....after the fact...glad to have found out later. I do feel though most biological parents are NOT like my birthDad...mine I feel was the exception not the rule. I see many reunion shows on a birthparent seeing their grown kids for the first time in decades and most times...they are thrilled. It sickens me to think...I have many, MANY birth siblings and will never know them, even though my BioDad is now deceased. I have no idea if any of them know I even exist....I do know my bioDad....did tell a few of his brothers about me, after I looked for my bio-dad and found my "uncles" instead. None of them have acknowledged me to this date. So to reiterate....today am glad I grew up with a family who wanted me and loved me. Am I sad not to have known...years ago...yes...today no. Everyone has to do what is right for them...Good Luck!

I am not an adoptee but I would be stinkin mad if I found out other people (friends, family members) knew I was adopted but I didn't. That seems like a huge betrayal. I have a friend of a friend whose husband was infertile. They used a sperm donor to conceive. He swore her to secrecy and he planned to tell NOBODY, not even the child. She was unable to keep the secret and she spilled the beans to my friend who then told me. I met the baby and the dad and felt horrible that I knew a secret about this child that he may never know. It's like Ben Franklin said: the only way 3 men can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead. People gossip. It is human nature. If I found out later that my history was a tidbit of juicy gossip that I didn't even know about...I would never trust my parents again.

Our family has never told Spiderman he is adopted.He knows that I adopted Sissy and Sassy.He knows that Sassy is his (bio) mom.He knows that I am his grandmother.He knows that he lives with me because Mom does not have a job or a permanent place of her own to live.He knows that (bio) Dad lives in another town with another lady and their baby.He does NOT know that he was legally adopted by me at 18 months. Which means I am his Legal Mother and his (bio) mom is his Legal Sister.When he is old enough to read and understand a birth certificate, we (Sassy and I) will explain to him that it was simply a legal move to keep him from DFCS and provide insurance coverage but it did not change the real family relationships we have.So far, we have had no problems with the school or medical records. I introduce myself as his grandmother and legal guardian and I can sign whatever is needed.

Well I wouldn't advocate for it. But it does hold some obvious appeal. The child would never feel like he or she was an outsider in the family. Because no matter how well aparents do with the issue, there are of course things that adopted children miss. It's that sense of history and belonging in a family like when people in the family say "she's of good Brooker stock" or "she has the Smith genes for sure" or "she has her grandma's crooked little finger" or any number of things that an achild will be left out of. Especially if there are bio kids in the family as well. When you are a bio you just naturally belong, for good or bad. I don't like that my kids aren't biologically related to me because I want them to feel as closely related to me as skin. I don't want to have them feel as though because they have a different first mom that I am less of a mom. I wish I could be all moms and any mom and THE mom. (OK I am THE mom but being that doesn't come completely naturally to aparents sometimes. I think in some cases there is a feeling of being an imposter at first; which I experienced but which is now going away.) I can see an aparent being resentful of a birthmom. Of course, even though kids who were adopted still miss these things, they still do well, and it's just part of life. But as a parent you don't want to settle for that... you want everything to be completely perfect. I can't see lying to achieve that in my family, but I understand the concept in a way. My parents were always telling me they bought me from a beggar for a penny in India or they found me in a rice field and I certainly didn't like it. Since they didn't do that to anyone else in the family it made me feel wierd and different.

I can't bite my snarky adoptee tongue any longer sorry... Jen, I'd say yes, absolutely, this concept is still alive and well supported. The majority of our "united" states still support this concept thru falsifying and sealing adoptees birth records - not until their wedding day, but forever.

What, so they will always remember their wedding day as the day their world came tumbling down?? That's crazy!! My sister once wanted to adopt and planned on keeping it a secret. Thankfully, she's decided that she doesn't want children after all. ALL of the reasons I can think of are selfish ones and NONE of them are in the best interest of the child. ETA: I just remembered my BFF told me yesterday that her friend's brother doesn't know he's adopted. He apparently has some level of mental disability and they said he wouldn't be able to handle knowing that he's adopted, so no-one will ever tell him.

I highly doubt you will be able to find any studies on adopted kids who are not told they are adopted... And in todays world of medical knowledge about how many diseases are hereditary, not telling the child could be construed as child/adult endangerment... There is a forum under adoptees titled "late discovery". It is sad to read. Kind regards,Dickons

In my case...My Mom always planned on telling me....but because I was not a well or healthy child...she felt it was cruel to add such a shock to my life on top of everything else I was going through. Plus with her own admitting, she said, because she had waited too long..that she was then afraid to tell me..I learned a year of so after marriage that I was adopted. She never let anyone know I was adopted so no-one ever knew till I did...she felt it was not right. Plus she DID carry me, and is my BioMom, so she never had to cover up that part..as she WAS pregnant with me. But the way she conceived me was bad..with Birthdad basically taking advantage of her...for lack of a nicer word..I can say the obvious...but you get the picture...so that was WHY I was not told. My Mom had told me that if BirthDad wanted to be involved and would have been a nice guy, she would have wanted him to be part of my life and I would have been told about the situation. But when my Mom spoke to him about HER being pregnant...he refused responsibility and called her derogatory names and began to verbally attack her. (same thing when I called him the first time...the guy was a jerk...cowardly and heartless) I could see why she didn't want him around. My adoptive father was nothing like that...he literally spent my entire childhood totally dedicated to me, and loved me with every once of his being. He was devastated when my Mom finally told me....but he also was relieved that the truth was out. But since he chose to sign my birth certificate as my DAD knowing he wasn't biologically related to me, he never officially "adopted" me. Soon as I found out..he begged me to officially adopt me..I at the time laughed thinking how does that work..when HIS name was on my birth certificate. I told him I knew him as my Dad and that wasn't going to change..but I guess with him..he just wanted confirmation that I was still going to be HIS and wanted to legally make it known. At the time I brushed it off, his desire to make it legal in his mind...and a few years later he passed away. I today, feel bad that I didn't give him his wish...but then again..his desire to want ME as his daughter so much put the seed in my mind...that adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. If I was that important to him and he gave me the gift of a Real father who loved me...and more importantly gave me a family...how can I not love any and all kids God would give me no matter HOW they come. If you were to ask him though about ME...he would say I was HIS gift. I can say that for me....I am today happy with the outcome and wouldn't change a thing.

My name is Gery and I'm 55 years old now .............................................. I was only 8 yrs old when I found out !!!!!!!!!!!!! My advice to the parents who want to adopt a child, DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT BEEN ADOPTED UNTIL THEY ARE 16 or 17. You will save years of pain emotionally from your kid and numerous trips to Psychiatrists and terrible behavioral problems and you will be very happy knowing this. It ruined my emotional life. FOR LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!! g$ PS. and by the way , my adopted parents are wonderful loving people who gave me everything anyone can get ! but at the end of the day only those who are adopted know. I did and still do !

This. If a bio parent was as vile as Manson, I could see not telling a kid he/she was adopted. Other than that, I would think they should know.