Life after TPR **long**

Are you changing their first, middle or last names? Is the child supportive of it? I would explain to mom after at adoption finalization that you would like her to stop giving her false hope and that it isn't fair. You need to give your daughter time to adjust and the reality to set in for both her and mom.

If the kids have always called you by your first name, why would it be weird for them to continue? Mine have never called me anything but mama, so it would have felt weird for them to change. When we were moving forward with our kids' adoption, we had a sw who told us that she's never seen a goodbye visit go the way it's supposed to. I can understand that--most folks just can't fathom that this is the end of their parent status with the kids. We were also told that it would be good to avoid all contact for at least 2 years to give the kids time to let the idea of forever with us settle into their brains. The judge closed our adoption, so we've not pursued contact. Since mom is in denial--and that's what it is as she's refused to say goodbye and give the kids permission to move on--it might be very difficult initially. I can envision all kinds of power struggle and confusion for your kids. If you have a counselor involved at all, you might want to get some input on how to handle this for your family. Some folks are just toxic and not good for your kids. Sometimes those folks are the ones who gave birth to them. I know that you want to have an open adoption. But if mom is still believing that she'll eventually get the kids back or that she is going to co-parent with you, you might want to consider setting some very strict guidelines concerning your expectations about her behavior. You need to lay out exactly what you do and do not consider appropriate. And then you need to be willing to enforce your boundaries--even if that means cutting off contact for a time.

Do the kids refer to you as mom? My son came to us at age 14 and called us by our first names. It did not take him long to begin to refer to us as "my mom and dad," but he still called us by our names. The month before finalization (almost four years later), he started experimenting with calling me mom. Now, he is 18 and calls me mom (sometimes mommy) all the time, even when he is mad at me. He has begun to experiment with calling dh dad, so I think one day it will happen. Our kids' biomom does not understand what TPR means. She tells people that she is getting the kids back even though we have finalized on two of the kids. She told ds that since she allowed us to adopt him and one sister, I should give the other sister back to him. Ds has contact with biomom as he is 18, but the girls do not have much contact. one dd wants no contact, and the biomom will not follow my rules, so there is little contact. It is not healthy for dd, but it is a balancing act, since my kids are old enough to have contact wether I allow it or not.

Why don't you have her call you "Mama ______" and "Daddy_____" ? That way you can transition it in.

Once you have the placement agreement in hand, then you can tell the kids that you are going to be their forever parents. With that, the relationship can begin to transition from wherever it is now to wherever it will go. When bio children are little, we talk about ourselves in the third person, "Mommy is going to put your sweater on now." That would be a little silly with older children. But the other thing we do early on and through life is refer to each other as "mom" and "dad." I'll say, "ask daddy" or he'll say, "where's mom?" or whatever. I would suggest starting with some of that. It may be mixed for awhile, them using first names and you using "mom" and "dad" in reference, but eventually, maybe even quickly, I imagine they will pick up on it. For one thing, it significantly simplifies their world, inner and especially external. When they talk about you to their friends or teachers or whatever, it is so much easier to say "my mom" or "my dad" than "First Name" and explain who first name is to them. A little OT, my parents always said "your dad" or "your mom," which irked me a bit. It often almost sounded like an accusation :rolleyes: , or at least that they weren't connected, or something, as parents. They said it that way because they thought it was silly for adults to call each other "mom" and "dad." DH and I split it down the middle. I refer to him as "dad" but call him by his first name and vice versa. That works well for our family.:p As for their first mother, I think you have to go with whatever fulfills your childrens' needs for healing and developing healthy relationships. That may mean continuing openness or it may mean closing down, at least for awhile. Most of us know our kids pretty well and know what they need, I'm sure when you think about it, deep down you do, too. Good luck, it looks as if you have a full house!

Sorry it took so long. My laptop was in the shop for a month then we moved and took time for the house to get wired for internet. For the three younger kids we are changing their first, middle, and last names. The older two we gave them the option. They both wanted to change their names and they picked their new names. We are changing their current first name to their middle name. So they will be New Name, Old Name, our last name.

I guess I just thought because we are adopting them they 'should' call us mom and dad. I never thought about letting them call us our first names still. Since my post "sissy" (going by "H" now) calls us mom and dad 50% and we are ok with whatever makes her comfortable. In a couple of months I am going to start writing to BM. The kids are not going to have contact with her for at LEAST a year...if not more. I am going to set up 'rules' and if she can't follow them there will be no contact. We do not have an adoption agreement. The judge didn't request one. However, even if we did in my state it is not legally binding.