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One of my kids we are adopting is 11 and has medical issues, though you don't notice anything from his appearance or behavior that would clue you in. He does have a pectus carinatum, or pigeon chest deformity, which has always been an embarassment to him. His chest sticks straight out in the center pretty far, and kids do comment on that sometimes. He was so happy last summer when we were able to get him an orthotic brace- NOT covered by insurance- that cost $900. It is fully adjustable to grow with him so that he will probably need the one, and as he grows, it will correct his deformity. He is supposed to wear it 14 hours a day, meaning whenever he's not in school or bathing. I also don't make him wear it to church or when he's going somewhere. If it's not on his body, it must be on his top bunk bed, safe from puppies and always in the same spot. He's become embarrassed to wear it in public (it goes under his shirt) because people might notice he has something under his shirt. As happy as he was initially to get it, that's how embarrassed he is thinking someone might realize he has something. Honestly, if he's wearing a sweatshirt, I have to touch his chest to feel it and know for sure he's even wearing it. It also took over a year to get DHR to pay for it. Well--- now it's missing. About 10 days. I can't find it. He "can't" find it. Thinks he probably left it at church. So I grounded him until he finds it. He'd look a little bit, then play, watch tv, draw pictures... Doesn't really bother him to not go outside. So- no tv. Then no radio. No MP3. More and more restrictions, all the while asking him to come clean on what happened to it. So, last night, he confessed. On a Wednesday night a week and a half ago, he took it off when he got out of the car to go to church. He made sure I didn't see him, then set it on the ground by the car since the doors were locked. Of course, no one saw it when we returned to the car 90 minutes later. It's a busy traffic area, and our pastor didn't see it the next day, so it was probably run over and/or tossed in the trash. This boy is smart, sweet, but one of the biggest scatterbrains you could ever run across- though improved with a little ADD med. But he has actually been spoiled in his previous multiple foster home placements due to his medical issues-- I mean seriously spoiled. He came to me a couple years ago with a mountain of toys. He doesn't much care if something gets broken or lost. His brother has the exact opposite issue, he didn't get anything that wasn't taken away again, and didn't stay in placements very long. So we have been working on learning to appreciate and take care of things, earning things, etc. I just don't quite how to discipline him with this now. I don't yet know if the orthotic company will charge me full price to replace it. It would take me awhile to come up with another $900 to replace it. But if he doesn't have it and use it during the next couple of years, the deformity would not be correctable without surgery, and that would be considered cosmetic, and a huge surgery. My husband says we shouldn't replace it, if he doesn't care, it's his body and his consequence. I think, yeah, but he's 11, and when he's grown and mature it will matter. Any opinions on consequences or replacing it????
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Does he know how to mow lawns? Seriously, I would make him do lawnwork in the neighborhood to help reimburse the cost for the replacement brace. I'd also assign him extra chores until the brace is paid for. Your husband is wrong, IMHO. This kid is only 11 years old, too young to really realize the lifelong consequences of not wearing his brace on a daily basis. This is coming from someone who had to wear bodycasts and braces for years and years for severe, progressive scoliosis, in addition to undergoing 7 major spinal operations. (If there had been a way I could "lose" the bodycast, believe me, I would have junked it in a minute, lol.) Appearance is so touchy with kids during the teen years. You're going to have a struggle on your hands at times, I fear...but it will be worth it if the brace improves his chest deformity. The replacement brace may not cost as much as the original if the company doesn't have to take his measurements again in order to fit the new brace. Hang in there...this too shall pass.
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Not so much on the discipline end, but I'm sure you can find pics of people on line pre- and post- brace wearing, so he can see how the brace helps over time. Maybe you even have a very old pic of him to compare with a newer pic of him, so he can see the change in himself. Then maybe some photos of him with the brace on vs. off and have him show you which pics he has the brace on, so he can see for himself it's not that noticable.Then let him give input. This is what it does and how it helps, here's how you look wearing it. What are your thoughts? For punishment.... What can he sell on Craigslist to help pay for the $900? Are those piles of old toys still around, sell them. The MP3 player? Things like that? Give him X amount that he's responsible for paying for, and he can sell some of his things to help, do extra chores to earn credit toward it, etc. Our home as a 'you break it, you bought it policy' that has seemed to work with our son.
When my kids do stuff like this, I make them pay for it. At 11, I'd allot so many extra chores a day. If he refused to do the chores, he's then remain grounded until he earned all the money. Otherwise, he's have his privledges back AFTER extra chores were done for the day. As for replacing it, I'd discuss it with his doctor to see what he thought. If the child isn't willing to wear it, it might not be worth replacing. My son's chest was like that and his doctor kept saying it was fine. He grew the year he turned 17 and his body seemed to have adjusted itself into place when his shoulders broadened. Not sure if his was as severe as your sons, hence the need to discuss this with someone who is aware of his medical needs.
I'd make him pay for the replacement brace, at least work for it anyway. It's difficult at this age to get kids to truly understand that all this embarrassment, pain etc. will be worth it in the future. That said however, he doesn't just get to leave it outside and be completely irresponsible about it.Selling a couple of his things on Ebay or Craigslist is a good idea as is doing extra chores. He might not raise all the money for it but working for it is really important, imo.
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