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sarahdaisy
My hubby and I were placed with a 2 day old baby a year ago and we still have him. His older brothers are now 2 and 4 and have been bounced around and are now in their 3rd foster home. Why couldn't she just stick it out for a couple more months so these little boys wouldn't have to transition AGAIN!!!??!
Why couldn't she stick it out? Let me see.. I had a 4 year old with attachment issues and her two year old sister who had mild attachment issues. Neither had full blown RAD.
With the 4 year old, she needed to be watched constantly. I don't mean just being in the same room. She had to be within arms reach. She would hurt Angel (who was 1 at the time) and not tell me what she did. He would scream and scream and I wouldn't know what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me. She'd just smirk with this look of satisfaction on her face. She was destructive. Anything she knew you valued would be destroyed. At Christmas, two months after her arrival, I put out a Christmas dish and made the mistake of asking her not to touch it. She broke it into pieces. I said "It's too bad that it broke when it fell off the table". She said "It didn't. I had to jump on it". She tore up a holy picture that belonged to my great grandmother. She destroyed toys & property. She took things and misplaced them on purpose. I had to keep things like keys out of reach.
You couldn't "love on" her the way you want to do with these boys. Kids with attachment disorder don't want your love. L would freeze if you tried to hug her and wouldn't get on my lap to save her life. About two months after she moved in, she finally voluntarily climbed into my lap to snuggle and I was thrilled because I thought we turned a corner. She then peed all over me. I would find things she stole from Maire-Kate (who was 10) hidden between the mattress and head board. I had to put L to bed two hours earlier than the other girls so she would be asleep before they came into the room. If I took L out in public, I had to keep her on a harness type leash. I've always despised harnesses because it's like taking your child for a walk the way you would walk a dog. Well, L had no stranger danger. She would go up to complete strangers and just hug them and love on them. She would go willingly with anyone. She was beautiful and charming and a predator's dream because she would have gone willingly. I had to watch her constantly. It was draining emotionally and physically to have to be on alert 24 hours a day. I couldn't keep a babysitter for her. Hanna & Angel's sitter gave me notice after one month. I would come home and the house was destroyed with things broken.
Despite not wanting love from me, L would take affection from anyone she didn't know. The pizza delivery man comes and she climbs all over him. A visitor comes, she climbs on his lap and kisses him and touches his face. It was creepy and disturbing to watch her in action. Even with a rule of "Don't touch anyone or get on anyone's lap", she would find a way. She was irresistable and would put her arms up to be picked up. People thought I was crazy for asking them to put her down. They didn't know. People who don't care for attachment disordered children have no idea. No idea at all.
She was never truly happy. She never ever cried. She got a lot of satisfaction when I would get frustrated. And it's hard not to get frustrated when a 4 year old spends all her waking hours pushing your buttons. Time outs meant nothing. She had already been hurt in so many ways-A time out was no big deal. Normal/average children push your buttons on occasion. For kids with attachment issues, it's a full time job. They don't take a break from it.
Her 2 year old sister had mild attachment issues. She craved physical closeness but would then bite me when I held her. She bit me so hard on my left breast one night while I was rocking her that I saw stars. It hurt for weeks. If I carried her, she'd bite my shoulder. She also bit Angel, kicked him and hurt him while I was sitting right there. Sometimes she'd kiss him and other times she'd bite him. I always had to be within arms reach and hold Angel on my lap and that would infuriate her because she didn't want anyone on my lap. She would shriek and scream and start throwing things if I held anyone but her. She always targeted Angel -although Hanna would sometimes get kicked or bit.
So why doesn't this foster mother stick it out for another couple months? Maybe she had enough. "L" was not a RAD child. She had attachment issues but not full blown RAD. You don't know what this 4 year old you are bringing home is capable of. You have no idea what you're in for. But I do know that what you think is going to happen and the reality of what happens is going to be very different. Forget "loving on" these kids and making things all better. If you get through the day without someone being hurt, it's been a good day. If the day ends and something you value is still in one piece, it's been a good day. Expect that new baby to be the target of these boys frustrations and hope and pray that the child doesn't get hurt. If he's still little, keep him out of reach by putting him in a crib or playpen in a separate room with a gate that the 4 year old can't climb over. If you don't, you may be sorry when you find toys thrown at the baby or a blanket put over his head. Or hear the baby shriek and not be able to find out what happened and how the baby was hurt.
Forget going out and getting a break because you won't be able to trust them with a babysitter. Expect to be on duty 24/7 and get nothing back from them no matter how much love you pour into them. Expect it to put a strain on your marriage. These children are like empty containers with a hole in the bottom. It's almost impossible to fill them with enough love to 'fix' what's wrong. And fixing the container means getting to the bottom of it and that can take years of intensive attachment parenting.
So..let us know how things are going in 2 months and trust me, you'll have a new appreciation for the foster moms who took care of them for as long as they did. Most likely, they went above and beyond trying to make it work. Nobody wants to fail and give up on kids in their home. For it to get to the point where the kids have to be moved, we're talking about issues that you don't even see in average toddlers/preschoolers who have been abused and neglected. You're in for the ride of your life.