Searching for Birth family in IA

Your concerns and sensitivities regarding opening a can of worms is highly understandable and shared by many within the adoption triangle. Search and reunion is filled with so many unknowns. And good for you for being sensitive to the impact on the birth parents. Sadly, few adoptive parents are provided with sufficient information prior to adopting about the complexities and dilemmas of post-adoption, let alone international adoption consequences. My recommendation is talk with your kids about adoption, their feelings about it, etc; There are lots of books about adoption parenting, how to talk with your kids, etc; The one that's widely circulated among international adoptive families in Queensland, Australia [URL="http://www.iafq.org.au/"]IAFQ - International Adoptive Families of Queensland[/URL], is "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections". When you talk with your kids, you can open the question about whether they'd like to search. I would lean on the side that deciding to search is up to your kids. If they say yes, I'd highly recommend that you read up as much as you can about intercountry search & reunion and how it impacts all members of the adoption triangle. Here's the URL to the recommended reading list of one of the post-adopton services agencies here in Australia [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/tr-adopt-read-resource-nov20061.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/tr-adopt-read-resource-nov20061.pdf[/URL]. Here's another resources info list for inter-country adoptees [url=http://www.icasn.org]Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network[/url] it'll help provide insights about adoptee perspectives on inter-country search & reunion. I wouldn't bother contacting the reps as they're volunteers who are flat out busy responding to adoptees, not their parents. One practical thing that you could consider if your kids aren't sure is set-up a 'search and reunion' trust fund, i.e. money that's set aside to cover the costs of travel to/from the country, hiring lawyers/interpreters, phone calls, language courses and counselling fees. For me, it ended up costing about $30K, not including lost wages. If your kids decide not to pursue with the search, the money could be put into their future education fund. In the end, I'm of the belief that what's in the best interests of the child should be paramount. However, I'm also of the belief that parents should only do what they are prepared and ready to do as parents. If they're unable to take on that responsibility, perhaps they could consider finding other alternatives and/or external help. The other thing to consider are one's intentions as there are bound to be stumblings in such rather unchartered waters. In other words, keep in mind that you're doing the best you can, with the best of intentions, with the information and resources that you have available. If your kids say later, "Mom, why did you do/not do X??" You can say in all honesty that you did what you thought was best for them at the time. As an adult, I asked my own a-dad during my own post-search anguish, "Why didn't you search before? Now it's too late (i.e. my b-parents are dead)", and that's what my a-dad replied in all genuine honesty and empathy and I accept that. I hope that helps as I can appreciate the dilemmas that you're facing.

Hi Ripples, Thanks so much for your reply - you have lots of great ideas and thoughts. I really like the idea of the trust fund - we do have an education/house/travel after high school fund set up, but maybe also adding it could be used as a search fund would be a great idea. Thanks for all the reading and resources - I will definitely be looking into them further. We do talk about adoption freely, as well as about birth parents etc as the questions come up. Our older son has had many more questions about this especially after his younger brother joined our family. I guess though, what I am more worried about is opening this as a possibility - so asking him if he wants to search (our 10 year old) - and then just not finding anything. How young is too young to process this? We really have absolutely nothing to go on, and I mean nothing. I really think he'd have a very hard time with this...and so I would want to do some preliminary stuff before even speaking to him about it. But, then I am back at the beginning - is that fair? It seems like he should have a say...and around and around we go!!!!

Glad to hear that the info helped. I'm not sure what to answer but I'm sure that some of the books and other resources listed will help provide insight as they do cover stuff like how to talk to your kids about the difficult issues in adoption. I think there are also articles in adoption.com about all of this. The Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute is also an excellent source of information [URL="http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/index.php"]Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute[/URL] I do recall that some of the readings suggest that, like talking with your kids about sex and drugs, parents need to lead the discussion rather than wait for kids to ask questions so that the kids know that it's OK for them to talk about it. If your kids don't seem keen to talk about it, at least you've indicated that the topics are open for discussion - it sounds like you've already got a pretty good dialogue going with your kids. IMHO, there is a lot of grief to process regardless of the outcome. One thing you could perhaps do is at least gather some preliminary search-related resources - eg. contact the US consulate in that country, contact that country's consulate services in your country, research organizations that offer interpreting services, research search organizations to see what sort of services they offer and how much it would cost if you hired them, etc; To provide an idea of what would be involved in actual search, I also recommend having a look at G.O.A.L [url=http://www.goal.or.kr/eng/]▒▒ G.O.A.'L - Global Overseas Adoptees' Link ▒▒[/url] - while your children may not be Korean, at least you can get an idea of all the various stuff - emotionally, legally, culturally, logistically, that may be involved if your children (and you) do decide to do a homeland visit/search at some point. At least by doing just the preliminary leg work, i.e. just researching available resources, you'll help reduce the mazework but not go as far as actually contacting any b-family. When I began my search, everything did seem very overwhelming - and every step was quite emotionally gruelling as I groped in the dark - and as you'd said, where does one start?? Also, I gather that you have been able to hook up with other inter-country adoptive families? I think it's useful for adopted people to meet other adoptees - while we may not talk about adoption with them, at least we know that we're not the only 'oddballs' out there. In the meantime, good for you for being so pro-active and thinking about the options from so many angles!