Confessions...

I confess that... *being a single mom is hard some days *having my boys is one of the biggest joys of my life *I wish my mom were still here to watch my boys grow up *I wish my boys wouldn't have had to go through the death of my mom at such tender ages and I'm afraid they'll forget her love for them *I cry almost everytime I think of my mom right now *I feel guilty for looking forward to the boys bedtime some days *I'm glad DS1 will know his birth family as he grows *I'm glad DS2 won't know his bparents as he grows *I hope DS2 will know his bio-brothers as he grows *I hope that neither bmom has any more kids *I wish that DS1 could 'get things' as easily as DS2 does *I feel guilty for feeling all the negatives things listed above

I confess that I seriously consider moving to another state where there are more kids in foster care or up for adoption.

I confess that it is really hard to know so many awesome parents are in the world waiting....when I know 1000's of kids are in my state also waiting. I can't adopt them all people!

I confess to feeling relieved that my son's birth mom is such a great young woman who I can be proud of, and who makes open adoption so easy for me. And I confess that it is all due to her that I sometimes feel "superior" about having an OA even though I know deep down that if she were a different kind of person I woudn't be able to do it. I confess to worrying that DS will turn out like his birth father. I confess that I sometimes fantasize that I gave birth to DS.

Ok here goes....I am sure this will be long. I confess that I read each and every post on here before getting the nerve to post any of my own. I confess that the last letter DD's bmom worte me made me cry. She told me how glad she was that she picked us. That we made the perfect family for DD. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she had lost a daughter but gained a family. I confess that while it made me happy that she feels this way I sometimes wonder if I have been too friendly and it might create boundary issues in the future. I confess that I absolutely hate going to visits. Not because I mind seeing DD's bmom and her together but because going to a prison even to visit makes me feel unclean somehow and I just don't like it. I confess I wish I would have realized the realities of these prison visits before we agreed to make them part of our open adoption plan. I confess that no matter how much I dislike going to the prison to visit that at least I know that while DD's bmom is there that she isn't using drugs or getting into trouble so in some ways I think that there are positives to the situation. I confess I wish I were DD's biomom. Simply because I would then know exactly what she was exposed to during the whole pregnancy and who her bdad really was. I confess I wish I knew if DD's bmom was being totally honest with her paperwork on her medical history regarding the potential bdads, drug use and ect. I confess that I wish I could ask these things with out making it look like I think she is/was lying. But having heard a different story from each person she has talked to....I am not sure what the truth really is. I confess that I no longer correct people when they say DD looks like me or DH. And I mostly have gotten over feeling guilty about not correcting them.:rolleyes: Lastly I confess to loving my stubborn little mess maker with all my heart because she is the most perfect little almost 2 year old that I have ever met!:love:

I confess... That sometimes I'm not the Mom I want to be. That being a Mom is harder than I thought it would be. That I'm angry that my son was in a bad foster home, witnessing domestic violence, and still after 2 years, says he misses them. (How long can this last? I'm his MOM!) That I feel guilty for my last question, he's only a little boy! That I'm happy for him to have contact with his siblings, but sad he can't live with them. My husband is ready for a second child, and I'm not so sure. That I hope adoption will not define him. That it hurts when he yells "I dont love you! I want to live with my old family!" but after thinking about it... glad to realize I must be doing something right. I'm glad that I've spoken with his birth father and he's met his bio grandma, but scared he will leave me for them someday. I hope someday he WILL forget his foster family. That because my siblings have raised boys, that they think that they know how to raise MINE. That i think they have NO idea! That sometimes I'm on the computer too much. That I deleted my last confession. Maybe one day I will be able to share it. Whew! I feel better now!

I confess that it is after 4 am and I'm still awake...when I should sooooo be sleeping since I have 5 kids to deal with all day!I confess that the thought of having 5 kids sometimes scares the crap out of me! I confess that I was more than a little happy to see that my akids were not bonded to their bio mom and after seeing her for the first time in over 4 years, they really didn't see her as 'mom' at all! Nor have they mentioned her in the 2+ weeks following. I confess that sometimes I wish my older 3 would not have contact with their bio parents. However, I am glad they have such close contact with their 1/2 siblings.I confess that it makes me sad that my younger 2 will likely not have contact with their bio parents. Add that there is one infant sibling out there, more to likely follow, that they will never know.I confess that it pisses me off that the legal system does not punish people for their crimes.I confess that although I'd like to continue fostering, the fear of allegations (never had one) or a foster child hurting one of our adopted children, keeps me from wanting to commit again.I confess that there are days I wish the bio mom and her boyfriend would get busted for their illegal activities (that I can't prove but just 'know') and that my akids three 1/2 siblings could stay here forever.I confess that I fear my kids will believe the lies that their bio mom tells them about why she abandoned them, never worked her case plan, never came to a visit, never did anything but run away....even though we have legal documentation that proves the truth. I confess that I wish I'd given birth to my children. There are days I hate knowing I have to 'share' them.I confess that as a mom/wife, I fail at soooooo many things everyday. I always have good intentions with things, but poor follow through.I confess that as crazy as our journey was to adopting our 5 kids, I would not change a single thing!

I confess that, with our failed adoption last December, I can't help still despising the mother who changed her mind, after getting to know her and her family for months, and that she didn't have the backbone to tell us to our faces. She told us in a text message. I confess that I am thrilled that the father left her with 3 kids (2 toddlers, and one in and out of juvie) and a newborn, and that he called CPS on her. I confess that while I hope the baby is okay, I certainly don't wish the mother the best. I confess that I feel stupid for falling for what now seems like a scam, at least from some point in the process. I confess that even though I have my son now and am overjoyed, at times, what she did to us still hurts.

Wow, I'm gone from the forum for a few days and this huge thread pops up overnight!I confess:That it terrifies me to have absolutely no answers when it comes to the details of DS1's adoption. We know absolutely nothing. It breaks my heart.I wonder how DS2's birthmom could have such a messed up life...sometimes I wonder why people just can't be "normal"!Sometimes I feel in over my head dealing with adoption stuffWe will never truly know the circumstances surrounding DS1's relinquishment/placement (international)...is the version we know the truth? What if it isn't?I will never in a million years believe that DS2's mom only did cocaine once, the day before he was born, in her pregnancy. Whatever.DH still doesn't feel bonded to DS2, who is 5 mo. That bothers me.I hated the lawyer we ended up using for DS2's adoption. They really put a lot of pressure on emoms and made it seem like they were all druggie losers. YUK!That I realize that if I would have had bio kids way back when we were trying (early 20's), I would have been a horrible mom.That I'm ok with the realization that if I would have had those bio kids, I wouldn't have these kids...and I'd rather have these kids.DS2's birthmom wants to come for a visit at the end of the year, and while I'm all for it, I don't believe for a minute she will actually do it.I've been pacifying a hungry baby while typing these!(edit to add more that I thought of while fixing bottle)I also confess...That DH wants me to back to work and I'm thinking "over my dead body!"That I buy DS2's formula on Ebay because it's super expensive and I can get it for half off!That while I absolutely love both my boys, I have a favorite child!

Ok one more? I confess I too would have been a horrible mom at 25 and probably even at 35! It really bothers me that it took me so long to realize I wanted to be a mom and that I would have had a larger family had I gotten my act together sooner It also bothers me that I don't think I could handle a large family....why not? I dunno ((((just couldn't)))) I like quiet and things being kind of under control too much! I hate that I didn't manage my money better when I had it. I confess I resent doing anything for anyone else in the few hours a week I have off. Unfortunately that's what happens. All I want to do is take a shower and go to Yoga. I confess I worry about E having ADHD and what that may mean in the future I confess I'm glad E's cute and funny because maybe his teachers will be more patient with him (horrible i know!!!!!!!!!!) I love when he calls me Mama I LOOOOOOOVE IT my heart skips a beat every time~ I regret a post i once wrote saying i'd let E change his name if he wanted to. I didn't mean it. Middle name MAYBE I confess i used to think there was a right and wrong way to parent.k Lord have I learned! I confess A.com has opened my eyes in so many ways and made me a less judgmental person! I confess when I read about the lack of info in international adoptions I feel blessed to have so much info about DS's bio family. I confess that the older I get, the less my DH is everything to me and the more I need my friends. Some days I feel my age, some days I feel a lot older but lately, I feel like i'm 35. And i love that!

I confess: I look at adoption websites at least once a week trying to find a child that my Dh will "fall in love with" . (he says he is done) I dont understand why T's bmom kept her two CC sons (T is her middle son and biracial) but didn't want T. It makes me mad to know that the month T's bmom had him she never took one picture. I want to track down one of T's former foster mom's, knock on her door and make her give me the pictures she has of him. She promised months ago that she would make copies of all the pictures. I haven't heard from her again since I called before Christmas. She told me as soon as the holidays were over she would get them in the mail. Still waiting, and watching for them EVERYDAY. I think baby A's bmom is a bit of a flake I have faked cramps so DH would take care of the baby. I have wished I would get preganant. (at this point I think that is the only way to get #4) I spend to much time on this site. I am a potty mouth I wish a long time ago I put more thought into taking in more pets. At the time I wasn't thinking about taking care of them for the next 15- 20 yrs, I just seen a cute puppy or kitten.

Ok, I'll go. I confess that I don't like my son's mom at all. I wish I wouldn't have chosen them, that I would have chosen someone more intellectually matched to myself. I confess that even though I like being the crazy cat lady and for the most part like my childless life, sometimes my secondary infertility makes me really sad. I confess that people that think that because you have one child you get to go on and have more at the drop of the hat really make me mad. I confess that people that have to point out why she, she and she shouldn't have those babies because they don't have xyz, really make me mad. I confess that my firstmom really makes me mad that she can't see past her own problems for a few hours to write me an updated medical history. I confess that it really makes me mad that my dad thinks that because I call H my firstdad rather than birthdad I think he is better than my dad. He's the only one I call DAD and have for 32 years, it doesn't get better than him. I confess that I hate amended birth certifcates because they have erased more of my life history than anyone can imagine. I'm not the daughter of m&h and I'm not a mother to Kiddo, legally none of that exists, the only thing I have to prove I gave birth is a csection scar and stretch marks. I confess that I'm still angry at kiddo's firstdad for getting his gf pregnant and parenting the baby. I also confess that I feel more sorry for that baby than anyone because she doesn't deserve the life she will get. I confess that I really feel like I got a really great life when mom and dad adopted me. I also confess that while I know I could have given Kiddo an adequate life (he would have been safe, loved, and clothed and fed) I don't know that I could have given him what more prepared people have, I still don't think I chose the right people though. Whew is that a jumbled mess?

Good thread Crick... I just read everyone's replies. So many I can relate to. Mostly, I'm a pretty open book, but I confess... --That sometimes, even though I don't know my DD's bmom, I HATE her. I hate that she did not want to even see the baby she gave birth to. She didn't want to hold her. She didn't even want to know if her baby was a boy or a girl. What kind of a mother does that?!?! How could she do that to her baby; to MY daughter? --I confess to wanting to contact bmom's boyfriend through Facebook. I won't--ever. But he is still grieving, he thinks he placed a baby for adoption. BUT he didn't. And Bmom continues her lie and torments this poor guy who seems like such a wonderful person and good father to his child. But he's not my daughter's birthfather... --And sometimes, I confess (and this is really hard for me and has only happened a few times) that I do not take my kids with me shopping in public because I am not feeling strong enough to deal with the lookers. Having 2 children of different races is harder than I thought it would be. Because sometimes people assume that they are just both my bio kids; and that must mean I have "baby daddy" issues. 99% of my life I could care less, but somedays, it is hard. --I confess that even though my kids are 2 and almost 8 years old, I still check on them both 2-3 times a night to make sure they are still breathing. I wish I could just sleep like a normal person, but that anxiety of losing them is too much to bare. --I confess that when we take our kids to visit our deceased daughter's grave, I don't know how to define the relationship between my deceased child and my AD. She never lived with her, she's not biologically related, but is she still her sister? --I confess, that when we brought our DD home, I accidentally kept calling her by my deceased daughter's name for a like a month. My husband and my mom did too. It was strange, and sad. I think we all grieved for Cheyenne all over again; despite being totally and completely in love with Savannah. --I confess my son will be late for school today since I'm a loser mom on the internet! --Oh, one more. I confess that last night for dinner my kids ate french fries and cheesecake from the cheesecake factory :)

Ok...here's mine I confess that sometimes I feel like I don't fit with any of my friends b/c I have 1 bio and 1 adopted. Nobody else I know has both. Sometimes I feel left out. I confess that I wanted to slap a pregnant lady last week for calling me a "hero" for adopting my son. I confess that it scares me sometimes that my son's birthmom lives a mile away from us. I confess that I worry what will happen when my son and his birthsibling go to the same school. And what if he wants to be friends with him? I confess that I wonder why DH and I waited to adopt. I confess that I wondered if I could a love an adopted child as much as my bio daughter. (I can!!!!) I confess that I worry about being a great mom to my son. I want to do everything right. That's why I love a.com...so many insightful conversations. I confess that it bothered me that my husband did not want an open adoption. Hello..we live a mile apart. He's on board now. I confess that even though I don't "know" all of you here on a.com, I feel like I do.

No more than anyone else!:arrow: Just kidding. Your first one always makes me sad. To have that most important decision not be the right one for you. Especially that one. Plus, I don't like her anyway because she's not nice to you. So there.:rolleyes: I confess I worry a lot about all sides of the triad participating in things and am really glad when we get more diversity. So thank you for jumping in!:banana: I wanted to give a shout out to many of you here who are more lurkers than posters. Thank you for coming out to play and hopefully we'll see more of you in the future. :woohoo: Now back to enjoying and pondering all the responses...:popcorn: