Help - having serious doubts about adopting...
I was so excited when we first started this adoption process - we are still only in the formal application stage. We have two Biological sons and would like a girl. I have unexplained secondary infertility. Well as the days pass I have serious anxiety, fears and doubts creeping into my mind and I am wondering if anyone else experienced this. Am I doing the right thing for us? For the child?? Will she love us? Will she have identity issues because she doesn't look like us? I have all these things running through my mind and I don't know what to do. If anyone else has or is experiencing this - please reply!!!
We have one child through adoption, no bios, and yes I was nervous. DH was a rock - but always is. I think it's pretty normal for any potential huge change. But, it's worth it. Today DD told me how happy she was that I was her Mommy, so yes, it is sooooo worth it.
Oh goodness yes! I have a Biological son and after unexplained secondary infertility we adopted our younger two children from Guatemala. While I truely did want to adopt (was never that good at being pregnant anyway) I still worried about it being the right thing to do and how it would effect all of us. And even now with my kids being home over 5 years, I still have days I worry about them as teenagers and adults and how they will view their adoption.

Only you can decide if your fears are such that you need to consider if adopting really is the right thing for you and your family, but I do think that fear of all the unknowns is very common.

Good luck!!
You are totally normal.

Many people in the adoption process go through so many mood swings that they think they are "cracking up". One minute, they love their agency; the next minute, they hate it. One minute they are so excited that, at long last, they are going to have a baby; the next minute, they are scared green because they aren't sure they want to be parents.

One minute they are busily studying the culture and language of the country from which they are adopting, and getting excited about the travel; the next minute, they are saying, "But will I be able to relate to a child who doesn't look like me?" One minute, they are spending wildly on baby things; the next minute, they are saying, "Raising kids is so expensive; I don't know how we'll manage." One minute, they are reading parenting books cover to cover in order to be the best parents possible; the next, they are convinced that their child-to-be will be so damaged that they will not be able to parent her and will have to decline the referral or disrupt the placement.

While the mechanism isn't quite like pregnancy hormones, many adoptive families refer to their wild emotions as adoption hormones. Basically, there is a great deal of stress in adoption, and it often manifests itself as a sequence of emotional highs and lows. In fact, once the child comes home, there is often a certain amount of mild depression, as people "come down" from the stress and find that their body misses the excitement.

So do ask yourself tough questions to make sure that you are ready to adopt, choose an ethical agency as your partner, deal with all the paperwork, handle the wait, and so on. And do plenty of research, so you are well prepared for the challenges, once your child is home. But don't expect the doubts and fears to disappear; they will be part of the process till you have your child in your arms. And do expect that the stress of the process will "get to you" sometimes.

This monday night there is a great phonecircle for people wishing to adopt, or for those who have adopted. It will help you veRY MUCH with what you are dealing with. It's an awesome community of women. Please joing us!!! You can find the Fertileheart community online. Take a look at the site. I found the fertileheart tools to be extremely helpful in my journey towards our child. You are not alone in feeling the way you do, and this community can help you to talk about it comfortably with a lot of compassion.
I think everyone goes thru those questions and more. Yes, she will love you. Sometimes the whole process can be maddening and causes anxiety. But if you just visualize the little girl being in your arms, and let God do all the worrying, it will happen for you and everything will be just great. Smile
You need to take some time to think through your decision. There is a huge variety of responses to prospective adoption and certainly worry is one of them. I was not worried or concerned but it's not unheard of.

Your concerns sound like they are reasonable for someone who may not be getting any support during the process. But you have an obligation to take the time to analyze them thoroughly and make sure that you're headed down the right path.

Also it may help you a great deal to talk with families that were formed through adoption. Your agency should have already encouraged you to do this and facilitates the process, but if they did not then I urge you to do so on your own.
support and info
I think it's totally understandable to have nervousness and fears prior to making such a massive life step! I'm a firm believer that the more information and support you receive, eg. from places like, the better off you and your family will be in dealing with the ups and downs of international adoptive parenting. And like a lot of things in life, all we do is the best that we can, with the best of intentions, love, information, resources and faith that we have at the time.

FYI - the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute published in Nov 2009 the most comprehensive study of international adoptee identity formation I've ever read - and it directly addresses some of the questions asked by Care333. Some of its findings and recommendations included things like travel back to the birth country, linking up with racially diverse communities, etc; as ways to help facilitate health identity formation among internationally adopted people. I've started a thread that talks about their study.

If you want to do a quick glance of their study, I recommend zero-ing on their 2 tables on pages 37 and 43 that cover factors that contribute to health identity formation.

All the best to you!
I want to thank you all for your encouraging words - the panic has disappeared and we are moving forward! I just got a letter in the mail telling us that we have been approved. They want a payment of $2000 now and as soon as the receive it they will appoint us a case worker to set up the home study...does this sound about right?
Care333 said...
I want to thank you all for your encouraging words - the panic has disappeared and we are moving forward! I just got a letter in the mail telling us that we have been approved. They want a payment of $2000 now and as soon as the receive it they will appoint us a case worker to set up the home study...does this sound about right?


Can you tell us where you are adopting from? And are you using the same agency for your homestudy as well as placement? That might help better answer the 'does this sound right' question.

We used a local homestudy agency and an out of state placement agency. We had to pay half of the homestudy fee up front and the other half upon completion of the homestudy. But the total wasn't even $2000. (I know that does vary by area of the country though.) Then with our placement agency we had to pay half of the international fee at the time we received our referral and the other half when the adoption was complete.

So to me, no, that doesn't sound normal, but everyone has different experiences based on country, agencies, etc. So having more information would help people respond to how 'normal' it is.

Good luck!
I would always check the Better Business Bureau for any new company before sending any money. They may not be listed, but you can also call the Chamber of Commerce in their local area to make sure they are legitimate. After that of course, I would go for it. Smile
Is it fair to perhaps equate adopting somewhat with having your first biological child. I remember having serious mood swings while pregnant, feeling very unsure, feeling overwhelmed... while some is hormones, many is the fear of what's new, unexpected and life changing!
: )
Frustrating, and Frustration,
Yes Lozier, it is fair to say that for sure. Smile
All times are GMT. The time now is 3:19 pm.