Please help me understand

Personally I think a month's notice is perfectly acceptable. Are you expecting her to commit to specific dates each year? for example his birthday and Christmas? This may be hard. Perhaps she is a little put off by you "telling her" what she needed to do. I would ask her to come visit in a month and then let her know what your feelings about openness are and how much contact you'd like and see if she's on the same page.

I'm an adoptive mom to nearly 9-year-old twins who were placed with us at birth. Our relationship with their birthmom was semi-open (letters and pictures via the agency) for the first year, then we opened things up. We've had email, snail mail, and telephone contact sporadically for the past 8 years with only two face-to-face visits. Birthmom's presence in our life is hit-and-miss. But I wouldn't dream of insisting that she make a commitment to specific amounts of contact. I don't think she's able to make that commitment because so much depends on her life situation and her emotional state at any given time. She has shared with me that she has periods of time that are especially difficult for her, when being in contact is more painful. (My daughters are only 2 of the 5 children she's given birth to, none of which she is parenting.) While I wouldn't try to say I know what she's thinking, I would venture a guess that perhaps your "instructions" came across as...well...bossy. My children have lots of people in their lives that they see rarely, including relatives. Simply because their birthmom isn't capable (emotionally, logistically or geographically) to maintain set contact schedules doesn't mean she's not a valuable part of their lives and a person worthy of respect and courtesy. I think I understand what you're saying here - that you want your child to have stability. But I think YOUR presence in your son's life provides that stability. Other people who pass in and out of his daily sphere can and probably will add a lot of dimension to his life. Good luck with your choices.

She may not be choosing "no contact" but really, just offering all she has at the moment in the random visits. With that much warning, I would take what is offered and work through the rest. I've learned through six years of this (and working with first families who are struggling often just to survive themselves much less consider our needs) that ultimately, it is a relationship that requires flexibility and compassion, and an understanding that the other family may have limits as to what they can handle. I've had to learn to be more accepting of what they CAN offer rather than what I would like to happen in order to move forward with something. Obviously to me anyway, if your child's first mother had her rights terminated, the adoption of her child may not have been her choice and she may feel powerless to "ask" for what she wants or needs. And it may have taken everything she had to ASK you for that visit. She may be struggling with what she feels is a denial of that request, or a request for more than she can offer right now. If it were me, and yes, it is hard to live in a relationship where there is lots of uncertainty, I would let her know that they visit would work, and then in person, talk to her about how you both can work together to make this relationship work in the interest of your child's well being.

I think it must be hard for her, and maybe this is how it needs to be for now. Her seeing the baby when she's emotionally ready may be all you can realistically expect. In time, and with more visits-- hopefully it will become more routine. But for now I wouldn't push away any contact with your child's birthmom by setting "rules." Good Luck!

a months written notice is in line with what my OA calls for. it seems like a reasonable request from BM it sounds like mediation or a written OA is in order. You may find out she's atempting to give space so as to not confuse the child. if your child is stressed by the lack of frequency, it might be good to share your concerns. It really sounds like the two of you aren' on the same page and have some stuff to work out. A mediator is an excelllent way to get on the same page personally, i wouldn't want from my BM the things you requested. the regular pictures and cards would stress my DD. i mention her mom at least weekly so she knows it ok to talk about her. but even that can cause disruption. good luck!!

After reading all the responses i decided to call her yesturday and see what was going on and when should would be here and when she aswered she said she was partying with her friends and would have to call me back. Still havnt heard from her so i called her mom which keeps in contact with me monthly and found out Our situation has changed a little in the last few days and that she is using drugs again. I also found out that she has just came to our small town to visit friends for 10 days over spring break. Grandma says she has no intentions of seeing him and shes just out of controll. So my question now is do you allow birthmom to see your kids now while using drugs?

I personally would, but ONLY supervised visits, and fairly short ones, with ground rules of some form laid down in advance. I would contact your agency and see if they have someone that can sit in on the meetings, just to be an impartial observer and to help both parties work together in the best interests of the child. I also wouldn't lay down requirements like twice a year. Leave it to the bmom, keeping in mind that some day she may break the drug habit, she may get her act together (or may not), someday your child will have lots of questions about bmom and how things were handled. If things stay open and calm and civil now, it's better for all concerned later. Good luck. It's a tough place to be in. Our son is 16, so I'm basing my answer on the things that I wish were done for him and his bmom prior to his placement with us a year ago, for both of their mental health.

I wouldn't. And about having the agency have someone sit in... This is not a visitation type of thing, it is just a visit - with a very young child who will not recognize her. I would take my child to the park, or a playland or somewhere and let her meet us there and visit. Just my thoughts. Good luck figuring it all out.

To add... our son's adoption is final, parental rights terminated 10 years ago. And someone from our agency (actually 4 people from our agency) came with us to meet bmom for the first time, as well as an open offer to do so again at any point. Two were therapists, two were adoption case workers. All had the same goal, protect everyone and move this forward in a healthy manner for all parties. So this is very possible. I'm not an expert in interpersonal relationships or adoption, so called on those that are experts to help me when I needed it. That's where my thoughts came from in this case.

Interesting. Not a bad idea, especially if you want to use this as an opportunity to set parameters for future visits, appropriate boundaries and expectations. See, I am still coming off of "normal" placements. Where we just spent time an the park, and bmom met us there. the child had no idea who she was, aside from a friend of moms, who talked to them and played with them and was really nice. But they were under 3. We have recently adopted from foster care, and now that I think about it, I can see that in the event of a visit with her birthmother, it would be helpful to have an intermediary - one with experience in navigating these situations.

My OA says (and yes my bmom does drugs) she gets the supervised visits. However, if she shows up impaired or otherwise in an unacceptable state, we have the right to cut it short. If she does this twice, she loses rights to future visits

What a tough, tough situation. We have allowed visits with us present and a pretty limited timeframe during a period of time when I was pretty certain our child's other mom was using. She has always been respectful of the planned time together, and done her best to make the most of it. We have also, after discussing it with her first, made the decision that for a certain period of time, all our contact would be via letters and phone calls (only initiated by her at her request) because of the circumstances during that time. There is no hiding that addictions are a part of her struggle and therefore, are a consideration. And as DD has gotten older and more aware, the boundaries regarding this have become tighter. DD's other mom again, respects that. I hope that it is because we have been respectful of her place in our DD's life to this point, and always caring and trying to communicate regardless of what was going on. It is a hard situation to navigate for sure. If her attitude was that partying in this case came before talking to you, then it would be a signal to me to add THAT conversation to all that you need to talk about to move forward. I believe in openness and honesty in working through relationships. Think through the kindest and gentlest ways to ask your questions and to approach the topic. Let her know that honesty affects what happens but not communicating at all could affect things permanently and that it is your desire to work it through. We've had to allow over and over again, the opportunity for our kids' other parents to step back from the relationship because of their circumstances. But we have always kept the door open because in the end, we still feel that some contact is good, and if we work at it, could be great, especially if they are working at it too.

Whoops - never mind - didn't realize this thread was so old!

I am a birthgrandparent to a lovely little boy. While it would be emotionally more stable for us to not have contact and "go on with our lives" we have chosen to continue having contact with he and his family. We know that this means a lifetime commitment to him. We have worked out and are working out the specifics with his mother and father. He deserves to know that his placement was out of love for him not because we didn't want him. Our daughter continues to have contact and feels the same way we do. I think all of us have his best interest at heart. We all, birth and adoptive family, love him. I also know that this adoption experience is not a one size fits all dress. Everyone gets a tailor fit garment and I hope and pray it all is worked out for you and your family.