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I was put up for adoption after my birth-mother got pregnant in high school. I'm 26 now, and found out we've been living in the same city since my birth, and last year we reconnected (through this site!). I've gotten to know her and her siblings, and her parents and the extended "adult" side of the family- and those relationships are continuing to grow which is great! The problem is though, everyone openly knows about me and has interacted with me EXCEPT for her four sons (ages 9-15), who she still hasn't told about me (I'm female btw). YIKES! In a few weeks, I'm meeting the boys, and am just completely terrified. Obviously it would have helped if they had known about me sooner, but I can't avoid that now and am not trying to play the blame game, it just is what it is. I am excited, but also, wow, they're 9-15, that's a volatile age group. There's no telling how they'll react. Has anyone ever had an experience like this?
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Hey! I'm new to this site and this is my first reply to someone!! :) I'm glad to hear about your connection with your birth mom and that your relationship is continuing to grow. That is so awesome that you reconnected through this site. Wow. It's interesting that you and your birth mom have been living in the same city since your birth. Y'all could have crossed paths somewhere along the way in your life and didn't even know... Im 22 years old and was released for adoption at birth. My birth mom became pregnant with me when she was in highschool, as well. Last November I found my birth mom and connected with her and met her for the first time in December. I have 1 full biological brother who is 20 and a half brother who is 14 that I met when I met her for the first time. And I also have an adoptive brother who is 21 [Alot of brothers! Another thing we have in common :) ].I think thats one thing that we adoptees always wonder about, if we have any other siblings out there... I was nervous and excited too about meeting my brothers for the first time and didnt know what to expect. I wasnt sure how the meeting would go, how they would react to me, if it would be awkward...But I was hopeful that the meeting would go well. Which it did. :) When I met my brothers for the first time, it was almost like instant love...you know? It's kind of hard to describe because it was something I've never felt before...if that makes any sense at all. :) I want to wish you the best of luck in meeting your siblings and I hope and pray it goes well for you, your brothers and your birth mom. Just take it one day at a time, one step at at time as you get to know your brothers. I sincerely wish you the best! :) :) :)
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I can understand how you'd feel nervous about meeting your half-siblings, particularly given the fact that they're in the not-so-sensitive adolescent years. FYI - Here's an excerpt about sibling reunions from the Post-Adoption Resource Centre in Sydney, state of NSW, Australia [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS18_Siblings_in_NSW.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS18_Siblings_in_NSW.pdf[/URL] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]
How do sibling reunions work out?
[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]In “Birth Bond” by Gediman, while discussing post-reunion experiences of 300 birthmothers, the author wrote “the absence of a shared upbringing does not preclude the possibility of strong, even instantaneous kindred feelings”. It is noted that the relationship between siblings is “less likely to be de-railed by unresolved issues” (e.g. by the adopted person feeling that they were rejected by the birth mother) and that the fact that the siblings are closer in age can make it easier to communicate with a newly found sibling than with a parent. Our experience at PARC is that sibling reunions can be as complex as other reunion relationships. There may be complete disinterest and hostility (e.g. the birth mother’s eldest child may feel deprived of their position or may exhibit sibling jealousy and resentment, particularly if one sibling has had a better life and more opportunities than the other.) Lifestyle, education, religion, interests and occupations can be so different that siblings have no common ground for a relationship.
Alternatively, warm and happy long-term relationships can grow, e.g. two siblings discover they have much in common and they develop a close relationship. At the opposite end of the spectrum, opposite sex siblings may be very strongly drawn to each other. The strength of this attraction can be of a sexual nature and without the taboos which are built in when siblings have been brought up together. It can require determination, clear thinking and care for any pre-existing significant relationships to avert the damaging affects of the this kind of attraction. If you would like to talk to one of our counsellors or do some reading on this and other relationship issues that may affect sibling reunions, give us a call.
Wherever your relationship travels, you will experience many “ups and downs” - as in most relationships. Most siblings advise “take your time, don’t rush, you’ve got the rest of your life” and “I give the other person space when they need it.” Lasting relationships can best occur when each sibling has been able to put themself in theshoes of the other; so if you are adopted, you may benefit by finding out about birth families, the grief of the birthparent and how that impacts on the other children.
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the absence of a shared upbringing does not preclude the possibility of strong, even instantaneous kindred feelingsӔ. I found this to be so true with my brothers, my fathers sons. I met them when they were 16 and 19. I had no idea young men could be so sweet and sensitive until I met them. They've made me feel so deeply and sincerely loved and part of their family. We've become best buds, they absolutely love having a big sister. They even brag about me to their friends, and like calling to talk to me about their girlfriends, one is now married. good luck lrose, I have a feeling they will fall for you big time!
Thank you for all of your feedback! That was a really helpful article- I'm going to try and do some more research about sibling reunions in the meantime- crazy as it is, I feel much more nervous about this than meeting my birthmother! I'm hoping for the best, and will remember to update this post when we finally meet.
I have 2 younger birthbrothers. One is a full sibling, the other half. I love both of them. (one's in his mid/late 30's, the other 40) My full brother and I clicked instantly. We talk or text daily. Usually short, but it's great to check in. My half brother and I don't seem to have as strong of a connection, but we do stay in touch. I also suspect he and I may be more alike. It's been great! I truly enjoy both of them, and hope you find the same.
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