Feeling Swamped.

Hi ScottishSue, I too have just started a "reunion" with my bm. (I am 50yrs old). She calls monthly or so and that is the extent of our contact. (March will be 1 year) she does say she wants to me meet, but has to tell her sons about me first. SO I am not sure it will happen...ever, but of course I wait patiently for each call. I just want to let you know I find great comfort coming hear and "talking" to others in similar boats. My husband wasn't adopted and I really think it is hard for him to comprehend what we are going through. I don't talk to him too much about it anymore. I basically come here for some great wisdom and advise. As far as how much to tell her and all, I just take each call as it comes and follow her cue. I am not sure that is the best way to handle. I am going to try for a meeting on my next call. Just saying hi and all isn't really working for me. SO there is no real etiquette, you just have to go with your gut and try to do what works deep down for you...

Hi Sharilynn, Thanks, it's so complicated isn't it, especially with no guidance, I feel quite isolated. My birthmother and I started talking to each other on the phone just before Christmas, we also exchange emails and letters, I made contact with her 5 months ago, she also lives on the other side of the world which is very frustrating, any actual meet-ups are going to be few and far between. My Birthmother's husband has known about me from the start, but her own blood relatives have never known of my existence, but she doesn't seem to have a problem with that, I am 45 btw. When did you find out you were adopted? I hope your next phone call with your Birthmother goes well, and that you get a postive response regarding meeting. Yes, it's good to have somewhere to vent and share isn't it. Take Care:)

It's pretty normal to feel like you are swamped or immersed in the beginning because there are so many questions and so much time to try and make up for. I know I was thrown for a loop in the beginning. It's incredibly frustrating dealing with people who don't understand what's it's like to be in the situation. They have had it all their whole lives so they don't have clue what it's like to be in our shoes. I have heard the most inane comments but I have to forgive them because they can't know how it feels.

First of all, congratulations! I'm happy that you were able to connect with your mother. It's a huge accomplishment that many adoptees never achieve.Adoption reunions definitely have additional layers of issues attached to them. But, we can still use the same knowledge of relationship development (and maintenance) that we use in our other relationships.For instance, I wouldn't expect your husband to stay interested in this topic. It doesn't directly affect him. When we talk ad naseam about any topic, unless the other person is equally interested in that topic, his/her interest will trail off. That's why, as sharilynn pointed out, sites like these can be invaluable. We're invested. We like to help each other out because we share a commonality. How much do you tell her? How much can you tell her? That depends on your relationship. I personally would hold off on any major negatives (if that's what you meant) until you've established a solid relationship. At the beginning of nearly any relationship, we tend to hold back on the negatives and attempt to display ourselves as positively as possible. So, that's what people tend to expect early on. But, only you can judge the strength of your relationship and what you feel she can and cannot handle.

Thanks everyone, I've been taking your advice on board, as they say, and it helps. I'm so grateful this forum is here. I'm still struggling though, I'm worn out. My BM is extremely supportive and wants me to feel free to tell her anything I want. She loves me and I love her, that's the simple part. we plan to meet in July. I know how lucky I am, believe me. Yet, the crying has returned, I feel exhausted, all the thinking, all the guilt, all the everything. Have any of you used any books as well as the forum? I really hope I'm not coming across as whiney and ungrateful, I'm just struggling under the weight of it all.

The emotions involved in search and reunion are huge. And tangled. And complex. And so much more. I'm not surprised that you're struggling, worn out, exhausted, guilty, crying....(Though, about that guilt... try to lay it down, if you can. You have done NOTHING wrong in reuniting with your birth mother. You don't deserve to walk around carrying that burden.)It's great that you are developing a supportive, positive relationship with your birth mother. And it's wonderful that you're due to meet in July. But the happiness of that doesn't make the rest easy, I know.I don't know where you live, but you might want to do a Google search to see if there's an adoption support group near you. You can also check meetup.com to see if they've got a local group listed. I'm a part of one near me, and while it's only monthly, I've found it really helpful. Face-to-face support can be awesome... but unfortunately, because most people who weren't touched by adoption can't put themselves in our shoes, our friends/spouses/siblings/etc can't always provide the support we need. If there's nothing near you, do keep coming back here - you'll find a lot of sympathetic ears and helpful suggestions, I think.You aren't whining. You aren't ungrateful. You're a person going through a very intensely emotional experience. It's normal to be overwhelmed by the intensity for a while. If you're truly worried that your emotions are seriously off balance from all this, it's okay to look for help from a therapist. (If you can't find one who specializes in adoption issues, any therapist you feel comfortable speaking with, who can help you work through this rough patch, is better than not going at all.)

Thank you Emerald. I think I reckon I'm just going to have to take it one day at a time aren't I. Therapy isn't really an option for me here. Felt a bit calmer the last couple of days but know things will build again. I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes, constantly thinking/obsessing about it, a couple of weeks ago I went to the cinema and after we came out I realised that the 3 hours had been the first time I hadn't thought about it in weeks! I found out when I was 15, it was never discussed again, I think I'm having to confront all of it , and all the rest of it, properly, for the first time. My adopted family do not know I have made contact and I'm not going to tell them. It was partly guilt over hurting them that stopped me contacting my birthmom 8 years ago. Did you find yourself questioning everything about yourself and your life? As well as dealing with the other aspects.

Hi Sue, you are extremely lucky to have planned a meeting for July. my bm is only 200 miles away from me and she just says "we will meet in future hopefully" very frustrating. I haven't had another call from her lately. its been 5 1/2 weeks, (not that I am counting lol) so I haven't had chance to "push" for meeting. I totally understand you constantly obsessing over this issue. I would go on the internet and search and search for hours for clues on my bfather. then realize there is nothing out there. How can we not think about this constantly? It will be 1 year in March since I sent bm letter and she made contact and it is a bit less that I think about it. It comes and goes and is always in back of my mind. and btw, I never told my adoptive mom I found bm. she is 84 and I do not see reason to tell her at this point in my life. Once again thank goodness for all of you. You guys/gals understand this emotional rollercoaster!!

Hi Sharilynn, I can imagine how frustrating that must be for you 5 1/2 weeks is a long wait, (I count the days too btw) Are you going to try to call or write to her again? Have you been able to tell her how important it is for you to meet her, it could be somewhere neutral. I wish I could be more help but I'm still in the early days, but I hear you and feel for you. My bm never told my birth family about me, her husband has known about me from day one though. my adoptive Mum is also in her eighties so I know what you mean. As far as my birth father is concerned, I haven't got there yet, he was never told about me so doesn't even know I exist. I'm going to be given his name eventually. Yes, I thank God for this forum too, we're all in this together aren't we. Hang in there .

Hi ScottishSueWelcome to the Forums! There are so many wonderful people here who can listen to your concerns and give some really good advice and enjoy your success stories. I am relatively new to all this as well, my bmother found me at the end of August last year and sent me a letter with her email and mobile phone number. I called her the next night and we clicked almost immediately, after the crying settled down that is. She had married my bfather and had 3 more daughters and a son, so after the phone call they organised to come out to meet me. My bparents came along with my 3 bsisters and a niece a week after our initial phone call. It was a wonderful reunion and a lot of questions on both sides were answered.My bparents are out staying with us in their caravan and have been with us since around the 23rd January. I have had a hard time with having them here all the time but after having a couple of talks with my bmother things have settled down and we are getting to know each other. We now have boundaries and they are not pushy at all and know they can never step into my aparents shoes nor do they want to.Reunions are a very tricky thing and different for everyone and it can be the most wonderful thing. The feelings you are having are perfectly normal and it does take a while to settle down as you have so much information coming at you and feelings coming up that you didn't expect. Take your time to go through all these feelings because it can get a bit much at times.I do think now that it might have been better to take things slower they we have so that all of us can absorb everything that has happened and all the information we have got but I certainly do not regret for one moment making that initial phone call. My only advice would be to give yourself some breathing room and try really hard not to panic if your bmother doesn't return emails or texts straight away, it's a bit deal for both of you and it will take time to get to know each other. Sometimes slow is a good pace.Best of luck and keeping coming here to chat or just to update.

Hi all, Thought I'd let you know what's been going on since my last post. Things are going good, the madness hasn't returned, whether there is repressing going on or not who knows, but I know my head feels a bit better. We are talking every two weeks now, today is my birthday, my birth mother phoned me, she was so excited to be able to say Happy Birthday to me for the first time :) I am sticking to the "one day at a time" mantra, I also bought a couple of books that are proving to be very helpful. It will all take time I know. It's a strange creature isn't it. Once again, I thank you all for being here.