Questions about open adoption

Open adoption comes in many forms. The amount of openness varies from situation to situation. As a previous poster mentioned open adoption is not legally enforceable in all states, so in some situations you will be relying on the word or promise of the adoptive parents to keep the situation open. Is this a risk you are willing to take? Of course you could seek out adoptive families only in states with enforceable open adoption rules. I think that open adoption is a wonderful thing for not only children in adoption but also for the birth families and adoptive families. I wish you the best with your journey as you research your options and make the best decisions for you and your family.

I'm sure you do have a bit of a taste of the loss by what you felt after being a surrogate. I am sure you can find someone to talk to who will talk to both you and your partner, just try to make sure that it's someone who has experiance dealing with relinquishment issues (I think Brenda who is a mod here can help finding someone? not sure). I know that help I got in the years afterwards was almost counter productive. They knew that I'd relinquished, but never talked about it with me...(buying into the 'forget and move on' philosophy that was pushed upon me by my doctor). You don't have to work with an agency! You can work with an attorney or a doctor, or a huge number of other ways (word of mouth, looking at advertisements etc). Just be careful. Of course. There are some first mothers around who have had some really positive experiences even with agencies. Think about what YOU really want from an adoption, what YOU want as far as parents go etc etc and don't settle for anything less. Also bear in mind that you might change your mind throughout your pregnancy, and that's ok as well. You never 'owe' anyone anything. Another thing to consider, is how your raised children will feel about 'losing' their brother or sister as well as how that child might feel growing up knowing you raised their siblings but not them. It's not something I'm saying to make you feel guilty about anything at all, just something for you to think about.

Just to expand on this - you NEED an attorney. I don't know of any adoptions that can be done without one. The only agency involvement we had with our first adoption was for our homestudy, well, as referrals to get to the proper professionals in the appropriate locations. Our sons' birthmother located us through an online profile. If you choose to go that route, I'd suggest reading the adoptive parent rules as well. Many of the sites require proof of a valid homestudy prior to posting an PAP profile, but there are some that don't. We were on a coule of sites like that while we were in the process of homestudying for our 2nd adoption. In addition to PAPs who close adoptions, or significantly reduce promised contact, there are those who work HARD to keep them open, or open them more as time goes on. They seem to be fluid, they change with and over time like most relationships. When it comes to the contact you want, I know that the couple of E-MOms we talked to who seemed most serious asked us what our plan for openness in adoption was, rather than tell us what their's was. As it is, our domestica adoption is comletely closed at the birthMother's request. However, I have enough information, that I know we can find her when/if DD is ready. With our sons' there were several years where my primary contact was with her parents, but recently she has re-established direct contact with us. I think it's good that you and your DP are planning on considering independent counseling before you make a final decision. Good luck - no matter what you choose!

Definitely something we both need to think about. Thanks for being candid.

We did something that legally ended up being a direct placement- since the babies were already born; the bmother was not with a placement agency- and used an attorney because we thought we had to. We learned during our process (in NC) that we did not need to use an attorney, and that the Clerk of Court's Office would have helped us with any paperwork required based on the situation. (The Clerks' Office made us promise, after working with my husband and I and helping as much as they could, if we ever adopted again, we would do it ourselves.) I mention this because, unfortunately our attorney messed up a lot of the paperwork, lied, and then dragged out the adoption to finalization months longer (and thousands dollars more) than was necessary. The Clerk's Office in our county told us they wished more people knew they could complete the paperwork themselves and that the people in the office are there to help. (Understanding some more complex situations may require legal assistance- ours did not.) Whatever you do, find people to work with you trust that are looking out for you, the baby, and the adoptive parents. Good luck!

Those placing should ALWAYS have a lawyer who specializes in adoption law. The lawyer will know what your legal rights are in regards to open adoption in the state you are in because all other rights will be gone once you sign those papers. You will be severing your parental rights for life. You will also be severing your childs legal rights to your family for life and in most states even the right to even know their family of birth's name when he/she turns 18. YOU need a lawyer that can explain every single piece of paper you put your signature on and the rammifications that may not be apparent if you are not schooled in law. If you choose adoption you need to go into it with all the information so you know it is the best choice to make. Kind regards,Dickons

I am a birthmother and I wanted to give you some advice. I was already a mother raising my daughter and was with the birthfather for about 4yrs when I found out I was pregnant and altimately chose to give my son up for adoption. I spent countless hours researching and found a small adoption agency that is wonderful both for adoptive parents and birthparents. If you'd like the name of the agency pls let me know. We chose our sons adoptive parents and we have an open adoption. We recieve pictures at least every 6 months and letters in addition to our E-mails. They live many states away and per our open adoption agreement are required to bring him to us for a visit once a year. The adoption was done in Texas and as someone stated b4 the open adoption agreement is NOT legally binding but IS morally binding. The agency we use prides itself on respecting all parties and ALWAYS doing whats best for the adopted child. In August will be 4 yrs since we placed our son with his parents and it hasnt been easy by any means but we couldnt be happier with the life our son has due to the commitment of all involved to his happiness and wellbeing.

PM your location to me... maybe I know someone. I think it is really important to think about the impact on the whole family. Your children are going to be facing loss as well.

I will check with the Clerk of Court here in town. We are in the county seat, so it makes it easy. I know when researching surrogacy and second-parent adoption, there were many things that we could do safely without the help of an agency, but chose an agency which in turn made things fifty times worse for us. I do have an attorney from my surrogacy that does adoption, but does not have couples waiting, so I will probably ask for her help again even if we do some of the legwork ourselves. One question, if you don't mind... If the children aren't directly placed from bioparents to adoptive parents, how does it work? I read something about foster care, but I couldn't do that to a newborn child. I would want them to go either directly from the hospital, or come home for a couple hours to say goodbye to our family before going with their new family. Is that possible, or would we have to place them with strangers first? This sort of frightens me. Thanks for your help and sharing your experience.

Thanks. I would love the name of a good agency that someone has had experience with. Your situation sounds similar to what I hope to find.

You can absolutely take your child home. I would encourage it.

Thank you. I just want to make sure that my family has time to say goodbye without feeling pressure at the hospital. Also, our hospital doesn't allow small children (healthy or not) to spend time around newborns. It would make it hard for my children to get to say goodbye if the child is just whisked away at the hospital. I hope I can find adoptive parents that would understand why this would be important to me without worrying that I would change my mind.

As a parent in the middle of adopting a newborn, I can say that it probably will be hard for an adoptive family to see you take your baby home for a little bit, but that's not a reason to not do it. You have to do what's best for your family and for the newborn. Although it's hard for adoptive parents sometimes to go through all the steps (especially the wait after birth), the birth family has to be comfortable with the situation. The agency I worked with is great and would probably be able to help you find an attorney to work with if you need it in your state. This agency has waiting families all over the country, many of them wanting open adoption. PM me if you would like the agency info.

Thanks for your post, but I do have an attorney in mind and am leaning toward finding a match independently. I think I may have been misunderstood. I meant that the adoptive parents would accompany us home from the hospital to say goodbyes for a few minutes and then leave with their child. Not an extended stay alone with my family. Is this really something an open adoption adoptive parent wouldn't feel comfortable with?

I know I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I'm sure every adoptive family is different. If you set up contact with the adoptive family before the birth (we're maintaining contact through the attorney and through phone calls with our birth mother) they will be more comfortable with you. It's not that hard to understand why you would want to have your other children say goodbye to the newborn...you shouldn't have trouble finding an adoptive family that is supportive of that.