Open adoption Closed plus Cancer

July 22, 2010

I'm the bmother of a girl born in 2000. The aparents pushed me into an open adoption. Though it wasn't the first time they were unkind to me, in 2006 a particularly nasty event occurred, damaging our relationship beyond repair. They also converted our agreement to "semi-open".

In 2007 I had a relapse of AML (bone marrow cancer). After many and varied failed cancer treatments, I was granted a DNR. Less than 2 months after it was issued, my heart finally gave out. Or so they thought. I was a hair's breadth away from dying of cancer. Fortunately, I happened to have a "sudden remission." I woke up and within months my cancer had regressed to near undetectable levels. I regained full health a mere 4 months later.

Unfortunately, her aparents made the mistake of letting her see me bed-ridden, even though I had strictly forbidden her from seeing me. I had already given her a good bye note and a warm hug while I could still stand.

In 2008, I had a check-up and I seemed to have relapse. I wasn't supposed to live out the year. She saw me one more time. I had pnuemonia, but I pretended it was only a cold. I wanted her to remember me as healthy, strong, lively, loving, and caring. I closed the adoption soon after, which was gladly received by her aparents.

In June I turned 30 (long time for a survivor with my prognosis, yay :) ). A week later, my daughter sent me a letter with pictures.

This is her second letter since I closed the adoption.

What am I supposed to say? :grr: "I'm sorry you were traumatized during my last relapse. I have relapsed again. I'm getting sicker by the day. I love you :love: , so I don't you to watch me suffer. :sick: Go away."? :confused:

I believe in letting sleeping dogs lie. I've written her another letter to go in a bag of gifts I had bought her since 2006. She should get it once I'm gone. I feel like I have taken care of everything involving her. Her aparents and I both want the adoption to stay closed.

But, she wrote me twice. How can I ignore my own daughter? :(

I think I have done the right thing. I certainly don't have any better ideas.

bromanchik

July 23, 2010

I am going to be very blunt here:

Her needs seem different than your own and technically you have no responsibility to her, but as a therapist who works with kids and trauma/loss I can tell you that not answering her may be more damaging to her in the long run than knowing you are, or seeing you, sick. She is the one that is going to have to live with this, long after you are gone.

Kids are amazingly resilient and not the fragile creatures that many parents feel need to be protected from the harsh realities of life. In my work, it is not the "known" that carries the most trauma, it is the "unknown". It is being shut out and left to their own imaginations. My own daughter was 10 when a beloved grandfather died of a brain tumor. Even when he was bedridden and unable to speak she loved to visit and just hold his hand. She told me recently (she is 18) that those moments with him forever changed her... in how she values her life and the life of others. I am glad I had the courage to let her experience those moments with him, even if they were painful.

She is reaching out to you. I think you need to reach back while you still can.