Family issues

My father was the only negative Nelly, but I'm pretty sure that was because I'm single. I don't think it was because of race--at least I hope not! He's very loving with my daughter now.

Before I had my son, my father was very concerned that a bi-racial child would face too much hardship so he told us "just don't have any children". My son was born: They were peas in a pod. Now that I'm adopting a bi-racial child: Two peas in a PaPaw Pod. The only person who has really given us/them a hard time is their paternal grandmother. She's no longer invited to our home and we go to her home maybe once every couple of years for an hour or two. By an hour or two, she usually acts up and we leave.

When my cousin (white) had a biracial (white/black) baby about 15 yrs ago, I remember my mom saying she felt bad because "life would be so hard for him." And I said, "really? it will only be hard because of people like you!!" I also called my Dad "Archie Bunker" (mostly because he had one of those chairs/but also because he had some of those other, less desirable characteristics). well, of course when DD was born, they were in love with her (they had a shrine to her at their house, for gosh sakes). My mom has been reading books about race relations and chatting with my aunt about having black grandchildren. My father (now deceased) was "on" me to make sure I kept her culture alive....he was pretty conservative at the end but became a big Obama supporter (I think because he thought that would be cool for DD.) In any event, you'll see what happens....and you hopefully will be pleasantly surprised. Best of luck!!

The only person in my family who knows that I'm planning to adopt is my little sister & a few friends. I haven't told anyone else because I already know how each will react. My stepmom will be totally negative only because she thinks that I was put on this earth to serve her until the day she dies. My dad won't care as long as I'm happy. None of my friends like it and even though they haven't outright said it, I know it's because someone else will be getting my attention and my fiancee will come up with every financial reason for me not to do it but after he see's that he can kick rocks because I'm doing it either way, he'll probably be happier than I.

So I went home yesterday and my dad picked me up from the airport. We spend the ride talking about the adoption. It seemed to be going well enough and then he started with the passive agressive threats about cutting us off and then he went nuts calling the whole adoption a lie. I ended up having to get a friend to meet me and pick me up. I was on a plan the this morning after spending less the 24 hours in my home state. :( I don't know what to do at this point. He said hurtful things which in turn makes me blow up and say hurtful things. What I really want to do is cut off teh relationship but even though I think it is best I still feel guilty and scared because he's made it seem like we can't survive without him. I just need some virtual hugs from people that understand.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It stinks that you just can't have your families support and I know it hurts as you don't want to have a poor relationship with your father. What did he mean by the adoption being a lie? I know you said he wasn't happy about race but is it adoption related as well? Just trying to figure out how big of a problem you have on your hands. Will adopting a same race child make the relationship better? I'm not saying that is the right thing to do either, just wondering about your options. For me, I was one hundred percent sure and ready to cut off anyone that was not good for my kids. Including folks who disagree with transracial adoption and who are biased. I knew it would be hard because of course I love my family but I was ready to do it. I kind of think you HAVE to be ready to do if that is the route you are going to take. Are you ready to do that? What did your dad mean when he said he made you feel like you couldn't survive without him? Does he help you financially? So sorry this is happening...:grouphug:

My father has given us 'gifts' in the past. As soon as he heard about the adoption he decided he would cut off said 'gifts'. My husband calmly called him out on this saying that this was the reason he never accepted anything from anyone because strings would be attached. My father then hit the roof (this was in May btw). He claimed he only gave his 'gifts out of love' The other day when I saw us he was asking about my husband's new job as a teacher my new job what we would make etc. He then proceeded to put down our income. He said it would be 'good' for us to learn to be on our own (granted we always supported ourselves in the past..his 'gifts' were just that). If we wanted to see what struggling was then we could learn (this all said with sarcasm). Then as if he was a toddler he said ' I jsut don't feel like giving anymore' this is all fine and good. I don't care if we never receive a dime from him. The issue is that he is doing this out of punishment for the adoption not our own good. Everyone in the family sees this except him. He now claims everyone loves him for his money. Totally not true except seeing that he tends to be an *** money is the only way he knows to show love so by him not giving that is his way of punishing/ not showing love. Does this make sense? Money is truly the root of all evil. Basically he wants it to be known that no one in the world can survive with the all powerful helping hand of ___ ____. As for the adoption being a lie, when we started we said we were going to wait a year till Scott had a teaching position (which he does now woot woot). That was when we were looking internationally. He freaked out and didn't want to hear anything about the adoption so he wasn't with everyone else when we decided to look domestically and realized about tax breaks and then I found a job rather then being a SAHM and all became feasible. Apparently he thinks we had a huge plot against him and lied to him. He's a bit insane. So ...am I ready to cut him out of my life? Yes. The man has deep rooted issues. He was verbally abusive to my mother and I growing up. I thought our relationship changed for the better but apparently not. The downside is that despite being ready to cut him out I get this image of him the other day being curled up in the fetal position on the sofa sobbing say "Please don't leave me" this is how it's always been..he tears me down and then I feel the guilt. He also broke down in the driveway because his cleaning people were in the house and he didn't 'want me to embarrass him by showing people we were arguing' The guy has issues. I'm pretty sure my guilt stems from the emotional pull the man has had over me all these years. He also has me convinced that I can't make it without him. These are my fears in trying to break away. How do you get over the guilt? I will don't care at this point if his issue is because the child is transracial or just adopted period. He has made this whole experience ugly and I will never forgive him for that. I'm sorry to reveal such personal information here. I just feel lost..lost but determined in my love for this child I have not met. The adoption will happen. I just don't what to do about him.

It sounds like you have made up your mind. I think you just need to make a clean cut. Do your own thing and let him call YOU if he wants contact. I know it must have been reassuring to have your dad there who was able to help you out at times but you can do this without him. I know it's sad b/c he's your dad but right now he's poison in your life and you don't want that seeping into your child's life. If he wants to come around and see the error of his ways, than he can do that. You shouldn't have to do anything more. You tried, and he messed it up. He wants to fix it, it's on HIM. Good luck!

You really need to put some firm boundaries in place to deal with your father. As I read your post, all I keep thinking is that he is a controlling emotional vampire. He keeps you blinded by FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) by showing you the vulnerable side of him. A vulerability which may or may not exist but he uses emotions to control when his money can't control you. You have to live your OWN life. He's not going to be the one who feels the regret or heartache if you don't pursue your own dreams, you will. He wants to control you because he thinks he is the only one who knows anything about life. As hard as I am sure it was to get back on a plane and go home, you did the only thing you could to maintain your sense of self. It was a good start to boundary setting. You have the right to determine the path of your own life. No one has the right to take that from you. No matter who they are, or how much money they have.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think the others have given you good advice...cut this unhealthy relationship out of your life and later if he has a change of heart and makes a major life change you can slowly and carefully let him back into your life.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Honestly, your relationship with your dad is still abusive. He is doing precisely what men who batter their wives do; break them down and then attempt to build them back up. All the while making them believe its their fault and they are not able to survive without the abuser. I'm guessing you already see that though. And you feeling this guilt??? Well, its all part of his plan to manipulate and control you. The good news is that you see this before you've adopted. You may be better off writing him a letter and airing your feelings that way. But ultimately, it sounds like you need to change your relationship with your dad regardless of your adoption plans. I don't think it will be possible to have a real relationship with him without TONS of work on both your parts, so in the mean time I'd keep him at arm's length.

I am so excited for you. I have been lurking here for awhile and just read this thread ~ I am in a similar situation though mine has not yet blown up. My husband and I are waiting to be matched. We have told everyone but my parents. I know they will react badly. My mom is especially straight forward and will say things that make you question her mental health. My husband is mixed black/pacific islander and my mom refuses to accept he is black. She was embarrased by him and tells her family he is dark and filipino. I am embarrased when he picks up on the things she says. Now that we are adopting I don't know how to keep a relationship with her alive when she is against everything I stand for. I am Christian and she isn't that is a whole other story . . . When my half brother (from my dad) got married to a black woman and had biracial kids my mom told me she prayed we would never do that to her. Recently she pulled my husband aside and begged him to not have kids with me. She is unaware of our infertility issues. The thought of cutting her out of my life makes me feel so guilty but there is something wrong with her head. Not only am I happy for your match but I take comfort in seeing someone else overcoming parental issued. My husband's parents and other family members are so supprtive that it makes me feel sad about my parents behavior.

It's ok to cut unhealthy relationships out of your life. My husband was banished from his family by his mother due to our adoption. Oh well. It's her loss. There are so many healthy people around us, that having someone remove their own toxicity from our lives isn't a bad thing. Remember that the true family you have is the one you choose for yourself. DNA has nothing to do with it.

This is so true!! My sister, (bio) who's ten years younger than me was cut off from me for awhile. She's never (I mean NEVER) called my kids on their birthdays but bends over backwards for the biological niece, nephews and cousins. I told her: you don't want my kids, you don't want me. I have friends who live my kids." the birthday of P is 12/14. We'll see if she calls. She apologized AFTER talking to my cousin about it. I won't have my kids put down (which is what that is).

Rocknrollmama, wow, what a story. I agree with everyone so far, except for cutting your dad out of your life. That is, I don't think you should do that without some support. And by that I mean a professional who can help you sort through all the issues. A therapist, a coach, or someone who's trained in human psychology/behavior. My BIL's parents are very toxic and he cut them off a few years ago and even though it was the right thing to do, it's pretty hard on him. I think he dreads the day he learns one of them is sick or worse. For him, that also meant cutting out his siblings. Would that be your situation as well? What you need is some clarity and confidence to do whatever you need to do for yourself. In my opinion, if you would be cutting off your dad only because you adopt an AA or BR child and he doesn't like it, I would ask you to seriously reconsider. A great many kids would take that burden as their own and think they were guilty of cutting off your relationship with your parents and their grandparents. However, it sounds like your isses go far beyond race/adoption. It might be a wise move no matter what race the child. To your original question, my in-laws tried very hard to influence us toward IVF and tried to sabotage our match, but now that DD is here they adore her. She was the first girl in this generation and her being the most gorgeous and brilliant child ever created doesn't hurt :thankyou:. But we did have to sit them down and explain that we were planning to adopt and this was not up for negotiation. They agreed to support us at that point. Good luck and please keep us posted.