Closed adoption

im an adoptee, my adoption was closed and i used to tell my Amom that she was not my real mother, and i didn't have to listen to anything she says, i just think that a birthmom should always keep in some kind of contact, not meaning go to see the child everyweekend....the Aparents should send pics and things like that...i feel that an adoptee should never have to search for their "REAL" parents, they should be able to locate them when the reach the age

lisa191- I think that the adopted children will use that against their parents regardless of whether or not there are visits. I also think that they will be angry regardless. Having no contact doesn't make the feelings any less real. Also, all families are different. I have a stepmother. I don't have any brothers. My daughter has a birthmother (me). It may be a title our society is just starting to get used to, but I really don't think it's any odder than any other family type. Each relationship is unique. I really believe that the birthfamily is family and should be treated as such. For some that may mean few visits, for others it might mean many. And even in families, we protect our children from anyone that may harm our child. Just my thoughts.

i agree with u, i used it against my Amom and have never met my Bmom.....i just think that a person should not have to go through all of the hassles to find their birthfamily, i dont think that it is fair.....

ok, so I guess what I'm hearing is that a teenager is going to use some kind of useless defense to trigger anger in their amom no matter what.. just like I did growing up as a nonadoptee. Usually when parents prohibit something a kid is going to want to do it even more and rebell. For example, my parents, at least my dad.. always said, you know, if you use drugs or alchohol just be careful. I was shocked to hear these words from him. Since then I rarely have used these substances just because I didn't feel the need. I guess what I'm saying is that with open adoption no one feels restricted. Its so open that you are able to make your own decisions. People don't like to be controlled or have their rights restricted. Its such a dehumanizing feeling. I think with open adoption where information is not hidden, a child may not feel the pressure to find out about themselves.. or run away.. I don't know, just the stress is taken out. With closed, its almost intinctive to feel the need to search.. and when its difficult to get in contact with the bparents it just causes their anxiety to get worse.

lisa i couldn't agree with you more......i just know that my dad always told me be careful if u use drugs, and he let me drink at the house, ,but i couldn't leave...i think that helped me through that stage in my life just because i was not forced into doin what "he wanted me to do", so i agree with you on that point

As I can tell everyone has their opinion on this subject.Personally as a hopeful adoptive parent I feel it depends on the level of openess in the adoption.I feel sending pictures or occasionally talking on the phone could be ok,however i disagree with the visiting part.I feel this could get messy.I just would not want any disagreement or falling out.Not that it will happen but it can.I believe a child has a right to know he/she is adopted,and in time who his/her biological parent's are.I feel that when he/she turns 18 that the information should definitely be given to that child.As I can tell on the postings that some open adoptions work out wonderfully and that is great,but everyone has their opinion.Some birthmoms prefer a closed adoption that does not mean they love their baby any less.It is different for every situation.

It isn't about whether or not you love your child: it's about whether or not you are able to put aside your issues to do what is best for your child. I used to work in a residential program. Many of the teen girls I worked with had been adopted. Knowing nothing about their birthfamilies haunted them and impeded their progress in so many ways. I made a promise to myself that I would not put my daughter through that. I spent my whole pregnancy researching closed vs. open to determine what was the best thing I could do for her. I decided that the best thing I could do was to stay in her life. I realized that ongoing visits were not about my well-being, but about hers. It has been over two years since my daughter was born. She has no idea who I am to her. I only see her a few times a year yet as soon as she could talk she would ask to call me. When I do visit, she runs right to me and holds her arms out for me to pick her up. While I'm there, she'll take my hand and show me all the things that matter to her. She loves her mother and is obviously comforted by her mother more than she will ever be by me, but I am still special to her. Her mother has actually struggled a lot with whether or not to maintain openness. Honestly, I feel like every time I visit, her mother receives validation for keeping me in their lives. I would challenge anyone to spend an hour with us and then tell me again that it will be too confusing for the child, or that the birthmother will interfere, or that somehow the adoptive mother will lose her role. Children understand their roots. There is a bond of blood whether you like it or not. This is why children who are abused resist being taken from their homes, this is why children in foster care still cry out for their mothers, this is why children still love a parent with a drug problem or a parent in jail. I didn't want my child to have to invent fantasies to explain who I was, to question my love for her and be denied the chance to ask, to wonder where she gets her laugh or her smile. So I chose openness. It has been very difficult. Every time I visit, I reopen those wounds. I want to move on with life and pretend I never lost her but I can't. It gets harder and harder to answer the phone when she calls. But it isn't about me. It's about her. Every time I catch her watching me, every time she shouts my name to make sure I'm paying attention, every time she tests me, I remember that it is about her feeling secure about who she is and I smile and hang on.

schatz, Thank you for your wonderful post! I agree, & I think you have said very well what so many of us think/feel.

I just wonder how a child will feel with open adoption at the age of seven or older.I see a lot of post with open adoption of toddlers,but I wonder how the child will feel as he/she gets older.I am not trying to put down open adoption.I am just trying to understand.While I strongly believe a child should know he/she is adopted.The visits I think would lead a child into wanting to be with their birthmother.I think it would be hard on the child.Adoption is not easy on any child.I strongly believe a child should know of his/her adoption.I do believe the level of openess is for each individual case.I also,feel the adoptive couple and the birthparents must agree on exactly what level of openess they are comfortable with.I would like to hear of some of the older children who have experienced open adoption.

These are your fears speaking IMO I have had an open adoption for 13 yrs. My son doesn't want to LIVE with me though he's suggested some long visits, and has initiated his own calls. He just wants to KNOW us (his sisters too). He knows who his mother and father are and they are great people. They have fears too I'm sure but they realize the importance of the situation...of the open plan. It is more akin to your child wanting to visit with their favorite uncle to do fun stuff they have in common together (like fishing). If you are not into openness, which is the best situation of adoption (IMO), do not agree to more than you want, THAT would be totally unfair. Maia

I feel that if everyone goes into it with the right frame of mind, it can work. There needs to be counseling for everyone involved. Our agency never informed us that we were having too much contact with our child's birthmother until things started going sour. The birthmother refuses counseling and now spends the majority of the visits trying to turn our child against us. She's only one! How is this going to look when she's older and understands? She already understands the tension and refuses to go to her birthmother, even at our urging. We haven't cut off visits altogether, as advised, but we are slowly backing them down to once a year. I feel very sad that her birthmother thinks nothing more of her than this. I know she's hurting, but we have bent over backwards to do everything we can to keep this working and now it's just not working. I advise to go into open adoption with the least of expectations on everyone's part, and let it grow into something more as everyone is adjusting. Have open minds and be flexible. I feel it's too much to lay out the groundwork in the beginning for so much contact because you don't know how everyone is really going to take it. It's easy to say 'for the best interest of the child' but if you don't respect what's really best for the child, all parties, then it can't work. Also, the parties in the triad really don't know each other typically, so you don't know if you're being lied to, how the other really is going to be, etc. In our case, the bmom put on a whole facade from the beginning. And from what I understand, adoptive parents do this sometimes, as well. So, anyway, I'm going nowhere with this. I just think that adoption is different for everyone and I can't say open is best, closed is best, semi-open is best, it's what works best for your family. However, go into it with flexibilty in mind. It can change and it's okay!

the birthchild would be as likely to ask to live with the birthmom as they would to live with auntie so-and-so from out-of-state. I've talked to many, many bmoms and amoms in various stages of their adoptions. It seems the children who meet the birthfamily for the first time when they are older are more likely to have extreme reactions like the one you suggested. When the birthfamily is treated just like any other extended family, the relationship follows pretty much the same as those of extended families- complete with all the normal family disagreements. I agree that you shouldn't agree to more than you are willing to give, but I also believe the bmom and amom both have an obligation to educate themselves about how each type of adoption affects the child. The other thing is that the amom and bmom should communicate regularly so that they are on the same page when the child tries to test those relationships (as the child will likely do). There are adults out there who are children of open adoption. Have you thought about reading any of the books that have followed children in open adoptions?

Those of you who want closed adoptions must have never had any medical problems. I have medical concerns and no one will tell me the names of the people who i came from. I am very depressed about having no rights as an adoptee.

Veronique you have every right, and tons of reason, to petition the court for your records. Call the court to find out what you need to do (I'm sure every state is different - grr). Maia

My mother was only 17 when she became pregnant. Her parents forced her to have a closed adoption against her will. It seems this was a very common practice in the 60's. My mother is wonderful and would have made a good mother to her son. I have one sister and a daughter of my own. Since the adoption was closed, we have no way of finding him. I wonder if her wants to learn about us too? I understand how parents and children can be so hurt and confused by the challenges of adoption. Children are so precious and innocent. It's really sad to hear that people who really want to know their birth family cannot. And I have also seen so many websites teasing you with info and then trying to charge you with no results. They feed on the real desperation of people in these circumstances. IMO it is up to the child to want involvement. I can't say if it is healthier or not to a child to have both bparents and aparents in their lives. I think each circumstance calls for special attention. Ultimately a child should have the right emotionally and for medical reasons to know their history and family's history. I only hope that one day I can tell my brother that my mom wanted him. Is that not the question every child needs answered? Who am I? where do I come from? who will I become? Good luck everyone.