Transracial....naive and trying to learn

You're right, it shouldn't matter. But it does... This sounds like something I would have said a few years ago. A few years ago, this is how I rasied my bioson, who is CC. Its not a bad view to have and impart upon with our children. But then we adopted our daughter, who is AA/CC. And everything in our world changed. We no longer had the luxury of walking around "colorblind". I saw things differently, I saw the world differently. I swear I could almost see through the eyes of my daughter and it wasn't always a nice view. I don't think race should define everything about a person, or their experiences. But what I think and what society thinks is not always the same. Its impossible to say what you would do or feel about raising a minority child until you are actually doing it. Until you have actually been the victim of racism, you will not fully understand the depths of which you will reach to protect and prepare your child for it. Being colorblind is a lovely, innocent way to teach children that we are really all the same. But being colorblind will never prepare our minority kids for the real world. I love my daughter from the depths of my soul, and I do not look upon her with different eyes than I look upon my son. But love is not always enough. I don't mean to come across as a know it all but just as someone who is constantly learning as I raise my kids. I can teach my children one thing, but society will show them something else; so its best to prepare them for the worst case senario. To the OP; you are asking all the right questions. I can tell you will be a wonderful parent to any child you adopt.

CJmeck - thank you for your input, your post makes complete sense. I am not offended at all and appreciate it. I am the OP and the one you quoted.

Well, I see that some of what I thought had been lost is on here, and that there is a repeat of what I edited, so I am a bit embarassed!But, I understand what you mean about seeing people as people, first, and honestly not noticing skin color, because I have been like that, too. It is the ideal world for people to all be like that. Appreciating differences is fine, but seeing it as interesting, not as having any bearing on relationships, or anything that really matters, when it comes down to it, is what I hope will be the general rule, one day. We have actually made great strides toward that, although there is still quite a ways to go. I think of how my grandmother, who was born in 1908, was told by her mother to never bring an Italian to their house. When she first saw my grandfather, it was summer and he had a good tan, and she said she had to ask someone what his background was. That was very common then, that kids were even told not to mix with people of the same race, but whose family came from a different European country! I see so much that has happened in the last century, in America, and I am so thankful for the changes that have been made that have made families like ours possible!BTW, are you interested in breastfeeding your adopted babies? I see you mentioned supporting other mothers breastfeeding. I did that, too, and have tried to help other moms. Among breastfeeding adopted families, there is a real high rate of transracial adoption. If you are interested, maybe I will get to communicate with you about that, too!Noelani

Noelani-thanks for stopping back. I think breastfeeding an adopted baby would be ideal. Unfortunately since we will be foster to adopt I dont think I will have that opportunity. A friend from church who fosters just got a newborn, I held him yesterday at 11 days old and only 5 pounds and was thinking OH if only someone could BF HIM! I admit stuffing a bottle in their mouth will be hard for me coming from such a Pro breastfeeding stance. Hopefully alot love and cuddles will go a long way to make up for it.

Oh yes, a lot of love and cuddles does go a long way! I've seen it work miracles, with babies who are drug exposed or have other strikes against them, as many babies who end up in the foster care system do. I had a friend in Las Vegas who was a foster mother for years. There were seven that they got to adopt. One of those was a black baby boy who was born addicted and thought to have major problems. The doctors said he was blind and deaf and didn't have long to live. They weren't even going to put him in a foster home. They were just going to leave him in the hospital until he died! She heard about him and begged them to let her take him home so that he could at least be loved by a family while he was still alive. He didn't die. He wasn't deaf or blind. He needed glasses, and he was a bit delayed. They did wait an extra year to start him in school, but did fine in regular school, just in one grade behind most kids his age. The last time I heard from her, he was a teenager and doing just great! Had he just been left in the hospital, I wouldn't be surprized if he would have died, or at least had serious problems.It is possible to start nursing an older baby, although it tends to take some patience and creativity to teach them. If you have a situation where they tell you that you will be able to adopt and you still want to nurse, feel free to contact me at noelani54@hotmail.com Aloha,Noelani

Ok. Here is where I have disdain for discussion forums... quoting people's posts and then trying to discount or pick away at them because 10 or 12 words struck you as odd or uncomfortable. I can't ask you (person who quoted me... lol) to refrain from quoting me, because you already have... but really, please don't refer to my child or my single post as if that is the extent of my story or life experience. I was posting my thoughts. I am entitled to them. Right? Having lived on the East Coast and now in the Midwest, I have had 2 drastically different cultures/neighborhoods to raise my daughter around and I'm offended someone here would reference AA children as having a harder racial divide to straddle... or more open racism in society. Why, because my child can 'mix in' so well in Kansas? I assure you... we have had the looks, the comments... and not just in Chinese circles, but in all Caucasian environments and in all AA environments when we lived in Baltimore. I'm choosing right now to sit on my hands and not respond to the rambling list of ways you feel AA people have more challenges stacked against them or that when they grow up they are considered possibly harmful to society... Bottom line for me is I do not share your views and I don't think all AA's or parents (foster, adoptive, or otherwise) of AA children share them. Everyone doesn't walk around with such a hostile/cautious view of the world. All I was intending to say in my post is that children, like adults, process things on an individual basis. I will continue to be sensitive to this issue as I raise my child. And I will hope she grows up feeling confident and communicative about the topic of her personal identity... but I don't let this rule how I raise her. I don't let it envelop us. It's a weird balance I ride... of taking evening adult language classes, joining cultural support groups, trying to check out culturally supportive dvd's and books from our local library, etc. But again... I try to make these efforts a part of just who I am, to the point where it's just a part of her life... that we all are different and that the people who enter our home reflect that. That some of us have different cultural backgrounds or religious affiliations. That some people have 2 mommies, some 1 mommy and no daddy, and some no mommy at all. I cannot be sure any or all of this will "pay off" and make my children feel whole and secure... but I can pray, and keep trying, and not take their feelings passively or for granted. At the end of the day... I sometimes feel like children walk home from school with so much homework in that 20 lb backpack and I'm in such a panic to feed them non-genetically modified foods that... well... I just think on a day to day basis there are usually more pressing issues for me to focus on instilling then constantly pressing the "cultural identity" button. I aim for a more wholistic approach, I suppose. I think by beginning this thread and by asking these questions, you are already on the right track. But I hope you please take all responses here and even all your additional work and research with a heavy grain of salt. Because in the end, children are really just little people with personalities and emotions you can't predict, control, or entirely prepare for. That's the joy in having them. BTW, Noelani... thank you particularly for your posts in this thread, the first of which I identified with greatly. Your thoughts mirror my own in many areas.

Yep, experienced it myself, but that's the internet, there is a saying, don't put it out there ... lolSo your experience with your Asian child gives a view of raising minority, yes it does. All minorities experiences are not the same that's true. Yet how does raising an Asian child apply to raising a Black child? Just curious, as to where the reference for your pov came from?

Making a child knowledgeable about racism isn't walking around with a hostile view of the world. It is what it is. There is racism from all races. CC's haven't had to deal with it. But don't think it's not there.

My husband teaches 5th grade at a very diverse school. He has 12 students who are a mix of Puerto Rican, Cuban, AA, Haitian, Asian and CC. He commented the other day that his students were discussing racism. Their response was "Mr. P we are so happy that racism no longer exists in this world. We are so diverse in our class room and every one gets a long. Thank god people don't hate each other any more." Needless to say they were shocked a few few weeks later when my husband brought up the KKK. 1) They didn't know what it was and 2) They were shocked it still existed. I have to wonder if it's the innocence of youth or if they really are not experiencing racism. I would think they would hear their parents speak about their experiences. I just found their statements intriguing. Maybe tolerance and acceptance will slowly trickle down so when our child grows up I can warn them about racism, but racists will be in the minority not the majority. :banana:

To the OP: You will be a wonderful family to your foster/adoptive child, no matter the race! You are doing research, reaching out to this forum and asking the right questions. I would find it foolish to move away from where you want to live. I think as long as you make an effort to find places and schools with diversity, and not isolate your child, you will be okay, and so will be your child! Raise him/her with a strong self-esteem, and tolerance! Teach about his/her heritage. Teach about that racism is real, but not only with AA, no, but with all races! Yes, even CC feel it, trust me, I am CC! I know of black people, and asian people who do not like, and are intolerant of CC! I think we need to teach our children to not make it an "AA-thing". It is a "global-thing". Many years before we had our AA/CC child, my DH is asian, we were trying to eat at a Denny's restaurant, but they completely ignored us, we didn't even get seated! One day we were in Germany (I am German) and we walked into a small pub. When we walked in, everybody turned to look at us, and it got so quiet, you could hear a needle drop onto the ground. We sat down, it remained quiet, all eyes on us. Waiter took forever to come over, well, we decided to leave. While on vacation in turkey we were mistreated. It is everywhere. On the other hand, there are not very many black people in Germany, but the ones who are, are usually very well accepted. And you know what, they are usually the only black person in their area, and they are doing very well!! If we are not open to transracial adoption, or transracial marriage, then this racism-thing will never stop. I am not saying transracial adoption and marriage will stop racism, but it is a step in the right direction... Yes, racism is real, and it depends on how you choose to handle it, or tolerate it, to let it affect your and your child's life. But also, I think for the most part, there are less people that are racist then not! And racism shouldn't be the main focus of your child's life!!! Wow, what better message can you send your adopted AA/transracial child that he/she is accepted than being in a transracial family? Just my 2 cents... Like I said, I think you will be a wonderful family to adopt a child! Good luck with your journey! One more thing, this journey will probably be a rollercoaster, full of different emotions, as you may have already noticed, it will have many ups and downs, but all very worth it!

I wouldn't believe everything you read about what you should do. After much agonizing much like you, I came to the following conclusion. Children need parents regardless of color and there are even examples in the Bible of transracial families. The most important conclusion: a Christian's identity is in Christ and not in a skin color or "heritage". We have a very specific heritage that regardless of what others say or do, we can still know who we are. On a more personal note of interpretation, there is too much victim/entitlement mentality in alot of what you read. If white adoption of black children is genocide, what do they say about why the majority of abortions are AA and the majority of children lingering in foster care are AA?

Pardon, where are you coming from saying something like this? And a first post at that.

ok. first, yes there is racism in all races. But, most of you don't get this: AA's aren't in power. Yes, we have an AA President. But look at the crap he's had to endure. If my AA son were at a store with his CC friend, my son would be followed more than the CC kid even ALL races have stolen. If a crime is committed and there are AA's and CC's, AA's are more likely to be arrested. So you can all be "color-blind" and act like racism is on its way out. It is; it's getting better. But it's not entirely gone.

Mom2bmore: I'm impressed with your commitment to learn all you can. My husband and I are just starting this process, and like you, we're open to any race. However my husband is AA, and we do have a diverse group of friends, family, and community. I want to learn as much as I can, because I want to be able to support my child to grow into a healthy, happy, strong adult--which is, I'm sure, your goal as well. I know that my child is likely to experience prejudices that I did not have to face (at least not until I was an adult, and confident in myself and my choices.) Going into this process with your eyes open, with your willingness to ask for help, and with keeping the needs of your child first--I think that makes for the best kind of parent. Good luck to you.

mom2bemore, I can't give you a lot of advice, but I can tell you how i felt growing up as a biracial (possibly triracial) child in a multiracial family. My mother was CC and father was AA. I grew up in a mostly CC neighborhood, but my mother made it a point to make sure that I was involved with kids of all races, and all cultures. For Christmas she did her German family traditions, as well as her multitude of Santa Claus collectables, she made sure we had CC Santas, AA Santas, "light skinned" Santas, and the same for the Christmas angels. I had baby dolls and barbies of all colors, I was told that my brown skin was just as beautiful as the "pretty white girl" down the street ( went thru not liking my skin color) She bought me books that didn't describe skin by white and black, but by caramel, vanilla, ebony, peach. Even though my father was AA, he didn't seem to connect much with "the culture" but my Amom made sure that color wasn't an issue, but she made sure to include everything and everyone, maybe it was her European upbringing, things aren't as taboo in Germany as they are here in the States. I hope this could help a bit, I guess what I'm trying to say is that just being educated, but not over doing it is what really helped with me.