Facebook search for son...Tips?

I know you don't get it because I stated back to your earlier response that I was not going to pursue it further if he does not respond, and in previous reponses to that I stated I was looking for advice on how to handle it if he does contact me. I am being frank now **Doesn't anyone one actually read the content or do you all just spit out your general opinions? And why would and AP repond to this thread when they are not in this situation and have no experience or advice on my, the BP level. All I here over and over again is AP have all the rights and can take away mine...what was the contract for? and how offensive it was from zxczxcasdasd to say " Your adoption could be as open as the montana sky that contacting him is wrong" I run into this opnion a lot with AP who once they get the baby just ignore the BP no matter what the Contract states. Lastly, I find it quite rude of you to try and direct me to other postings because they are soley titled for "birthparents", the title of this posting is for Search and Reunion and my subject matter covers that. I don't need to commisserate in misery with other birthparents about my feelings, been their and done that....its now time for my contract to be repected and me to do what I need to do within my scope of possibilities...FB is and optional reply, he may look me up on his own on FB, its up to him and I cannot pursue it anymore than that until he is 18 without dealing with his unreasonable and insecure controlling AP who clearly did not was an OA only did what they had to to get the child they could not have quicker...the real reason. But don't worry, I won't be comming back to this website since people clearly cannot read.

It is so rotten that the APs have broken the contract many times on you, even after you took them to court to enforce it. I guess that open adoption is a joke when it comes to legal enforcement in your state. Regardless of the deceitful people who adopted your son and lied to you and the court, you are still at their mercy "legally" it sounds like.At 14, he is still under their control and whatever you do~they can stop. So, if your son does not respond on his own then you will have to wait until he is not a minor to contact him. Is it 18 or 21 in Oregon?If he feels torn between you and them, it will not usually fare good for the adopted person, so getting along is what everyone here is suggesting.

I would just write to him if he does respond Carlieanne and still "try" and get approval from the APs. Don't sink to their level and go behind their backs being deceitful. Hold your head high, take the high road and have your son get permission.He will respect you for being the honest one.

You are correct, I misread your note on "seeking advice." I apologize for that misunderstanding. Given everything else you had written, for some reason I took that statement to mean that, in addition to this thread, you were seeking legal or family counseling advice or something like that in case he did get back to you. That was an incorrect assumption and it came about because I thought your primary objective here was to get a FB response from him as you first said, "I have since put a personal message on my profile to him to try and get him to respond...any tips," or, more generally get in touch with him now, as you also asked, "Any tips to get in contact without dealing with AP as they are completly unreasonable." I think someone else thought you had ridiculed his parents to him because you said that you had told him they cut off contact because of their insecurities. That may not be what you meant, but it is what you wrote and that might be where that misunderstanding came from. Now you seem to be saying that you will be dropping your pursuit of the boy until he is 18, which I believe is what people were suggesting to you. As far as how to respond to him if he does contact you in the meantime, I think I would tell him that I'd made a mistake in trying to bypass his parents and that he and I should try to work through him. If I were to make any other suggestion, it would be to remove anything on your page directed to him and refrain from trying to contact him again. My suggestion directed to you to boards focusing primarily (not solely restricted to--none of the boards are solely for anyone) on the birthparent point of view and issues since you seemed to be frustrated by the more wide-ranging points of view you were getting in responses. You said yourself that only another birthparent would get your post or point which, frankly, seems to shift or change a bit post to post and within posts--or comes across that way--which is fine, but makes for a confusing dialogue that is not helped by the hostility of your replies to people who are genuinely trying to help you. Peace, H

My statement was misread, the last I spoke to him I told him I was trying to work out a visit with his AP...that is it. The following statement of me saying the adoptive parent ceased contact with me due to their insecurities was not told to him, this is just the reason why they stopped contacting me. I have been more understanding and respectful to these AP than anyone could tolerate and never>>NEVER have I have discussed the problems his AP and I have with him and never would until he is 18 and seeks the truth.

I agree, but as an adoptee, I can confidently say that you will never understand what it is like to be an adoptive parent, or an adoptee. I will preface this by saying that I'm sorry that the adoptive parents did not honor their end of your OA agreement. While my adoption was closed, and I would not choose an OA myself, it certainly makes me sad to hear stories from women who have relinquished and were promised certain things and the adoptive parents just didn't deliver. That being said - the child in question is just that: a child. He's a minor. From an adoptee's perspective, which I hope you will consider - what you're doing on Facebook is aggressive, pushy, and off-putting. I totally understand your desire to contact him BUT you have to consider how your approach might come off to him and his parents [because they are his parents, regardless of how you feel about them, and you must respect that - just like they should respect your position as the woman who gave birth to him]. If my biological mother were to contact me via Facebook, it'd be shocking, to say the least. If her message read like "Listen to me! I know the truth!" I would be offended and confused and probably a little intimidated. My feelings regarding a biological parent contacting the child they relinquished for adoption have always been that, if the biological parent decides to contact, they should A] wait until the adoptee is 18, B] approach the adoptee in a non-aggressive and non-pushy manner so that the adoptee feels that the choice to continue contact is up to them and C] consider the feelings of ALL people involved, including the parents, as adoption effects three main groups of people: the biological parent, the adoptive parents, and the adoptee. I know you desperately want to be in communication with your biological son, but I also know that you DON'T want to jeopardize a future relationship with him. I personally feel that the way in which you are attempting to contact him now may come back to haunt you when he is older and can make his own decisions regarding contact with you. I also think that it is unfair for you to assume that his parents deny contact with you because they're insecure. That's offensive to those of us on the other side of the triad. Maybe they ARE insecure - imagine being in an OA agreement with a biological mother who is very persistent and pushy. Or, an OA in general. You are very special to their son, as you gave birth to him! That has to be tough sometimes for adoptive parents, especially an adoptive mom, to deal with, or so I'd imagine. You did the one thing that they [she] did not, you know? I bet a lot of adoptive parents feel insecure sometimes. But, as I said, they're his parents. Insulting them/making comments about them [especially if you relay your feelings about them to their son via Facebook] is disrespectful, immature AND could cause your bio son to resent and dislike you, and obviously that's not what you want. My suggestion, as an adoptee, is to wait until he is 18. When that day comes, send him a heartfelt letter or email, and do not mention his parents. Just tell him how much you love him, how amazing it would be to have a relationship with him, and how you have thought about him since the day you relinquished him. Then, give him the option to contact you. You, as a biological mother, must respect the boundaries set forth by your adoption agreement. Regardless of whether or not his parents chose to abide by your OA or not, when he turns 18, he can make his own choices. I promise that, if you are respectful of his feelings and his ability to choose to communicate or choose NOT to, he will come around at some point. If you continue to push him, it will not lay the foundation for a potential meeting or relationship in the future. Putting an adoptee in a position where they must "choose" between their parents and their biological mother is unfair, unreasonable and ridiculous. Both the biological parent and the AP's love the adoptee. An adoptee should never be in a position where people are making them feel like they must choose. Remember, the adoptee didn't have ANY say in their adoption - while you may not have, either, and I respect that, it comes down to respecting the boundaries and choices of the adult adoptee. I can confidently say that if my biological mother approached me the way that you are trying to approach your biological son, that I would not respond to her, as I'd be intimidated and put off. I just wanted to share the adoptee perspective because I hope that it will help you to better-understand what your bio son may be going through and what he may feel as he gets older and has the opportunity to choose contact with you.

I understand the way you feel, but you clearly have not read all my posts and have things all wrong...PLEASE READ ALL POSTS ON THIS THREAD BEFORE COMMENTING AS THIS IS THE REASON i AM SOUNDING FRUSTRATED TO ALL OF YOUR RESPONSES. I will say it AGAIN, I have never NEVER spoke to my son about the problems between me and his AP and NEVER ever spoke negatively of them to him or posted anything about them on FB period, nor did I ever say that in my posts here. Again read the posts. I think it is time to give a bit more info...These parents are insecure and I know this as a fact because the Adoption Agency told me that after they cut off contact with me 2 mths after birth and gave me NO reason...this is constant repeated behavior on their part. The agency told me they were having hard times finacially that coincided at the time of the adoption and ended up being sued by a 3rd party and were also upset they had to pay $754.00 in unpaid med expenses related to the adoption (they were req to pay this per the agreement and frankly it was not much compared to other adoption story expenses I have heard) the agency told me they needed a break they were feeling insecure and overwhelmed and I honored it...for 4 mths (no contact/ltrs/calls,pics all aginst my contract) I finally told the agency "Is this going to be indefinate? this is not fair. Finally the agency called them and told them they need to come in for mediation or give me a visit...I got a call. Let me brief you on visits which have been going on since birth...1-2 hrs in their living room with them constantly asking me questions to interfere with me actually spending with him. Sent B-day and X-mas presents with no reponses ever and no thank you's. I moved to another state for my husband to be able to start his career and spent thousands of dollars in traveling expenses to get this type of treatment not to mention they rarley ever sent pics per our agreement. In my prev posts you know how the court case came about. I have never done anything to threaten these people...I have always been repectful and I honored my end of the agreement, is it wrong of me to expect the same? That is the part that bothers me the most that knowone gets..they get the baby and I get a contract which means nothing and there is no accountablility on the AP part if they don't follow through but if I were to try and take him for a visit without his parents permission (this is for example only and I would never do this!) I would be hauled off to jail. Do contracts mean nothing to you people or just nothing in this situation. And everyone is forgetting the fact that he knows me and visited with him and spoke to him up to age 11 then to him I fell off the face of the earth since his parents cut off all contact...Does it matter what he thinks of this situation? as far as he knows I could be dead, or been told lies too like I don't want anything to do with him and that is why he doesn't hear from me...whatever he has been told, he needs to at least know I am alive and out there and have always wanted to maintain contact otherwise he will and may already have abandonment issues . Remember again this is an Open Adoption HE KNOWS ME FIRST HAND. I agree with you that an adoptee should never be put in a position to choose sides....I haven't done that and would not promote it as I said in earlier posts. I am not being agressive whatsoever about just sending a FR on FB, like I said before he can repond or not, he can choose to look me up on his own at anytime too...that is how FB works he knows my name and knows me. I simply posted on my page that "i know your out there and would love to be in contact with you" you actually consider this aggressive given my story? Once agin I am NOT out there to tell him the horrors of his adoption or the problems with his AP or speak badly of them...all you responders somehow came up with that on your own. I am simply out there making a friendly req within my my right of my OA contract to see if he even wants to speak to me on an age appropriate level and let him know I am alive and well to clear up any mystery as to why he has not heard from me. I also prev stated I would not pursue this and cannot pursue it any further if he does not respond. I AM NOT ABOUT BASHING HIS AP OR SPEAKING NEGATIVELY OF THEM TO HIM, IF HE WANTS THE TRUTH HE CAN HAVE IT AT 18 NOT BEFORE THEN. Reponders****put yourself in my shoes for just a moment and really read before resonding again....Enlighten yourselves from another persective however difficult it may be....I have.

I didn't say you had made any negative comments about his parents...I cautioned you not to. And said that if that was the way you were approaching him, it wasn't a great tactic. You're very defensive, carlie. I get that, and myself and others here are trying to consider your side of this situation. I just think that the anger you have towards his parents is overshadowing some of your valid points in your posts. Yes..of course it matters. It sounds like his parents have not honored their end of the OA agreement. Legally, at this point, are they required to stay in contact/send pictures, etc? If not - then there's not much you can do, it would seem. I totally agree that they should have held up their end of the bargain. If the OA agreement was in writing and was legally enforceable, then I am guessing that you did all that you could to get them to comply, and perhaps it just did not work out in your favor? I do not know the whole story. You should not have contacted him before he turned 18 regardless of the OA or not. It's clear that his parents do not want to be in contact with you at this point, and that is their decision to make as his parents - not saying it's right or wrong. When he is 18, then you can contact him and let him know that you're doing well and want to communicate with him. If he chooses to communicate with you, then you can share your side of the story with him and allow him to process it and then make his own decision. But you assume that his parents are telling him lies about you, right? I just want to be clear. I don't think it's fair for either side to assume anything about anyone. Perhaps they asked him if he wanted to continue communicating with you and he said "No." Maybe it is he who made the decision. Yes, I do think that contacting him on Facebook is a bit aggressive. It's a very different situation when you're a biological mother and he is an adoptee - and that Facebook status is a bit strange and a little intimidating - "I know you're out there" would make ME as an adoptee uncomfortable. I absolutely know you have the best intentions. However, I think you're bound by his age and the fact that, for a few more years, his parents call the shots. I was just trying to provide some insight from the adoptee perspective. I can't imagine being in your shoes and I have always said that I hold biological mothers in high regard. But, there are two sides to every story, you know?

I can see how maybe your Birthparent sending you a fr on fb would be strange because from the sounds of it you do not have an OA right? I know 1st hand that his parents have lied to him because it came out in court and I have the cd of the court records to prove all the lies they told me and one big one they admitted they told him in court (too personal and upsetting to mention here, judge dissmissed it yet it was out there and they admitted it was not true) I have done everything I can do finacially to make them hold up their end of the deal, problem was we ran out of money to fight it. However if I do come into a good amount of money again, we spoke to an attorney who deals soley in appeals and said I would win in appelet court since the prev judge did not do her job by enforcing the contract...my little bit of hope. Please remember that the defensiveness is out of people not reading and just responding out of shock of the situation which if you are a BP is completley normal. I have only asked for tips and how to deal with it should he respond, not if I should put out a FR on FB, since that is within my right of my contract, whether you or any other reponders think differently...no offense everyone has an opnion, but look at the question before you submit an answer. One last thing, the last time I spoke to my son, he said he wanted to see me and was looking forward to it and finally meeting his 2 brothers...so it was not him that decided to cut off contact.

Nope, I do not have an OA, and I am glad, because it certainly seems like so many, many people have had issues with one side of the agreement not holding up their end of the bargain, which seems like it can be awfully difficult for all involved, including the adoptee. I hope that your bio son does reach out to you when he is old enough. It shouldn't come down to $ when it comes to enforcing both sides of an OA agreement. Sadly though, it's all about protecting the interests of just certain people in adoption, or I would be able to access my bio med history! Regardless of you being in an OA [at this point, it doesn't seem like you're truly in an OA anymore, does it? Since his parents seem to be ignoring the original agreement] or not, I think that receiving a FB message from a biological parent is weird. It's not the appropriate medium - just my opinion. Especially if the recipient is a minor. I understand that contacting him was within your rights, but I don't think that at this point it is prudent - that's all I was saying. I don't think it's a matter of who has the right to do what at this point seeing as his parents are somehow allowed to ignore the OA agreement; it is a matter of what is best for your bio son. It sounds like if he wants to reach out to you, he will, because you have made yourself accessible. And...I read all of your posts before responding, okay? I wouldn't comment if I did not have some idea of where you were coming from. You asked for tips on how to get in touch with him on Facebook, and the general consensus is that it's a bad idea. If someone thought it was a good idea I'm sure they'll give you the advice you're seeking. I was also just suggesting that perhaps he has changed his mind about wanting to contact you in the last three years since you guys communicated. It does not mean that his parents forbid him to. I was simply presenting all sides of the story. Good luck.

No comment Nicole28..Birthparents....if your are out their frustrated with your OA and AP not following their end of the contract I will be there for you in the future since my husband gave me a great idea to start a non-profit to help Birthparents get legal advice on OA contracts and to get the best/most enforceable/specific contract they can and birthparents...keeping your children it is the only way to avoid a situation like mine, helping keep your children and avoiding my situation will also be my goal when I set up a non-profit. We are not all irresponsible teens, addicts,down and out and every other stero-type people have put upon us and have used these sterotypes against us all. Lastly, I was 23, single no support from BF, parents too embarassed to deal with un=planned pregnancy to help me, had a good job. My mistake was thinking a father figure was necessary from birth on.....my own dad let me down at this crucial moment in time. I would do everything differently now and if you feel the same, then I will be there for you in the future...gimme time....I feel for you as only a Birthmother can.

Carlieanne - I am going to talk to you as a mom of a 13, 14 and 15 year old boy, ok? I know this age group, and I sympathize with your position but I want to talk to you from HIS perspective for a second. We have had an open adoption for a long time with our boys first parents = and BOTH of them at this age are requesting no contact themselves. THey just aren't interested and certainly would resent being forced to have contact. Heck at this age they resent having to breath :) If you force this issue, at this age, it will backfire. If you choose to take his parents to court, no matter if you are right or wrong, I can almost guarantee 150% that will only make things worse. It's basic common understanding of family dynamics -- EVEN if his aparents only tell him the facts as they see it "Your birth mom wants to force you to visit with her and wants to require us to send her pictures. We have to hire a lawyer to fight this and no, we cant afford to send you to football camp this year because of the cost of the lawyer". He will see his parents stress out, argue, get upset and you honestly think that will encourage him to WANT contact with you? This age for boys is BRUTAL. They barely tolerate one set of parents :) and most certainly they dont have a strong drive to seek out first parent relationships and contact. I cannot force my boys to even think for a moment what their rejection of their first parents feels like to them - they honestly just dont care. I can have contact, they tolerate me sending pictures, but they dont want any part of it themselves. If your son is telling his parents that he doesnt want contact, and chances are he is very aware you do - what would you suggest they do? force him to see you? You honestly think that will help your relationship? He will like you MORE because he has to see you by court order? The reality is he is almost grown ... you have to respect him enough to put yourself in his shoes and understand his reality.

Look, I didn't want to come back and comment since my opinion doesn't seem welcome, BUT - My biological mother was 24, college educated, and had a great job. Trust me, most adoptees understand the diversity of biological mothers. I hate when people assume that my biological mother was something other than the truth, but because some people choose to remain ignorant about certain taboo issues [race, gay marriage, adoption, politics] there will always be stereotypes. I don't know why my biological mother chose adoption; I assume it was because she was Catholic and single [= controversial in the eighties AND now] and it was not necessarily convenient for her to continue to work and raise a child. Like you my bio mother did not have the support of her father as he had passed away following a heart attack before she became pregnant. She chose to hide her pregnancy from my biological father. So, she was not too different from you. I don't think stereotypes that people have about biological mothers have to do anything with this thread. I get annoyed with the assumptions people make about me as an adoptee [i.e. I was born addicted to drugs or went through the foster system or have serious emotional issues because I was adopted] but I don't harp on it. I am happy to take a moment to "educate" people who know little about adoption, but I'm vague - I don't get too much into it or share negative opinions, because sharing negatives feeds stereotypes. All I can say is that, if you're truly open to the opinions of others, you wouldn't have given me a "No comment." :rolleyes: Jen, what you said was what I was trying to say, too. Being a teenager is hard enough...being a teenage adoptee is even crazier! :woohoo:

They barely tolerate one set of parents Jensboys - it's not just boys, it's girls too. Really, what teen is looking for MORE parents. CarlieAnne - I FEEL for you. I do. I am an adoptive parent and my kids are not yet teens. I am FB friends with my twins' birthMom. When they are old enough to have an FB account they probably will. But at 14 if they want to friend her, fine. If they don't, fine too. And, if they don't want to tell her that they don't want to friend, they can use any excuse they want. Even "I'm not their real mom" and "she's just insecure". Sorry, but that's the point of being a parent of a teen. You get the glory - and you get the BLAME. There were times when boys asked me out and I said "I have to ask my mom" while shaking my head NOOOOOO - she always backed me up. Anytime I said "my mom said no" she agreed - and never asked questions. Ever. And NEVER asked why I wanted her to say no. Just figured that if I wanted her to say no she should. She was happy being the mean mom. He may have wanted a relationship with you at 11, and he may at 18, 21, but he might NOT at 14. So, long short - if my sons' BMom wants to friend them on FB at 14 and they aren't interested - they call me anything they like. I'll take it. Insecure. Unloving. Insensitive. Until they are 18 and out of high school *my* job is to protect them and teens don't always ......present what they feel.....

I'm sorry if my statement offended you. What I was trying to do was speak about directly contacting a minor behind his parents' back and against their wishes, as separate from whether you have an open or closed adoption. His parents have clearly drawn that boundary and you are trying to circumvent it. Even in a completely open adoption, that's not right. Even if they may be wrong to draw the boundary. It's there, even if it sucks and hurts and is infuriating that it's there. As for the comment about ridiculing them, I was referring to you calling them controlling and insecure and saying she monitored his FB was because she's controlling. I'm glad to see that you would never speak those feelings to your son, and I hope that his aparents have given you the same consideration. I don't think it's okay when aparents close adoptions completely that can be kept up open some way, any way. I've been furious and indignant with friends who are bparents when the parents raising their placed children make choices that cut them out and break their heart. And if they're lying to him about the adoption or about you- that's wrong wrong wrong on their part. People who tell their kids lies around here get big verbal lashings! Jensboys and I both have teen boys/young men and have maintained relationships with the birth families for the sake of our kids, even when it's uncomfortable or difficult, and my kid has been on the receiving end of an online request for direct contact when he was a teen, and for him, it's not something he wanted to respond to, though a year later, more on his own terms, he opened up and wanted them in his life. But none of us can fix what's already happened in your open adoption, or change the aparents or even speak to them, for which they'd get probably get very frank responses too. Since you asked for help on contacting your son through facebook, we responded to you-- we can't respond to the judge or the aparents or your son or anyone else. What you are hoping he will do (accept your FR so you can communicate directly), however innocently or gently or positively you intend to communicate with him, will put him in the position of lying to them, defying them, or potentially setting off a firestorm of conflict in his home, and that is a position that none of us want your kid to be in, especially at 14. I'm pretty that's the crux of it for most of those who responded. We're not saying it was right or acceptable for the aparents to close the adoption. We're not saying that it's wrong for you to want to contact him because you love him and you signed up for an open adoption and they did too. We're not saying you don't have every right to be angry at them. We're not saying too-bad-sucks-for-you-but-who-cares-about-you-they-have-the-power-and-you-have-no-rights. We're just saying, given that things are what they are, please don't put your son in that position with his parents and in his home. As for the future- keep the records of your legal dealings with them. Keep whatever you want to keep for him. When he's an adult, if he wants to see it, to read it, he can. Maybe it will mean a great deal to him that you fought to keep your visits with him, only he can know that. When my son was 18 and wanted to meet his siblings through her and re-open a relationship with her, I gave him every legal document regarding him that we had. My view was that those things are part of his story, his history and should belong to him. He can put them in a file and never look at them if he wants, he can throw them away, he can keep them forever or read them every day. Whatever he wants- they're about him and why certain things were the they were and they answer questions and help make sense of things that confused him as a child that weren't appropriate to share with him when he was younger. I've also heard of moms journaling to their kids during the years when they can't have direct contact, as something they could give their child later on to show that they were thought of and loved consistently throughout the years. I've heard of moms buying cards for Birthdays and Christmases or other keepsakes and keeping them set aside for when they can give them directly. I'm not saying it's a substitute for contact (for which there is no substitute), I'm just saying that given that contact is cut off, it gives you some way of continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with him. I hope you can connect with other bparents in the same situation. Not for a kum-ba-yah fest, just so you can have someone who "gets" it.