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A few months ago, I started going through some personal things that weighed really heavily on me. My grandfather passed away after a battle with cancer, and it wrecked me. This was in May and I sometimes have to focus to not end up in a hyperventilating crying jag. Shortly after, my boyfriend announced that he was going to be quitting school (a PhD program that wasn't fitting his wants anymore - he's already completed undergrad and masters) and moving closer to me (we're currently 90 miles apart). I was thrilled. After a talk with his professor, he was able to adjust his program and decided to stay in it. And to stay 90 miles away. I was devastated. Crushed. At the same time I was applying for jobs and I didn't get the one I was really hoping for. I was offered a job that seemed to be less responsibility that the one I had and it felt like a slap in the face. Thing after thing after thing mounted and I found myself sad. Exhausted. I felt hopeless. I felt like I was coming SO close to having what I wanted, but was constantly falling short. I found myself crying to sleep, being exhausted in the morning, eating when I realized my stomach was growling miserably. I read a ton because I shut everything (and everyone) else out. I was edgy. I was starting fights with my boyfriend for no good reason. I feared depression. But I was so incredibly hesitant to say that out loud. To admit it. To get help. I didn't want to become another "birthmom stereotype." I wasn't even depressed about anything in adoption land! But that's never how it's seen. It's like once a birthmom only a birthmom and every problem thereafter is a direct result. Anyone else experience anything like this?
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I think I can only write about this now because I'm in a MUCH better place. I talked some of my problems out, went for another job (which I got actually) and today I'm okay. So I know I CAN get out of it. Before Cupcake was born, I went through some hard times too....but I guess I thought that it would be accepted for what it is. Now? I think that it will forever be tied to placement. Mental health issues like depression in birth parents seem to be written off or assigned to placement, not just something that an everyday person may go through, you know? And it's that stereotype that makes me resistant to get help outside of myself. I don't know....there's this picture in my head of Cupcake's Mom finding out that I went to a doc for depression and I just think of what that would mean for our relationship. Would she want me around? Would she be worried that it was because of adoption? Would it negatively impact our open adoption?
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(((((TGM))))) Hugs to you this morning, my friend... Depression is still so tied into stereotypes and carries a stigma with it, even though the medical community knows so much more about depression than it did 30 years ago. I've battled with it on and off since early childhood; my own family doesn't seem to understand it much, even though I've found evidence of it coming down my maternal blood line for generations. The times in my life when I've undergone a severe clinical depression, my mom has treated it like it's some character defect or flaw in me...she blames me for it. There are so many things we can do nowadays to get a grip on depression...talk therapy, the SSRI's (which literally saved my life when they came out on the market), holistic medicine, herbal remedies, physical exercise, journaling, creative art, music, etc. Just know that you're not alone -- many of us have "gone down the dark ladder" or had the "dark night of the soul". I know it's hard to reach out to others when depression creeps in, but I'm starting to get better at it. If you ever need to talk, let me know. (I don't remember if I've given you my phone number or not.) :loveyou:
thanksgivingmom
I think I can only write about this now because I'm in a MUCH better place. I talked some of my problems out, went for another job (which I got actually) and today I'm okay. So I know I CAN get out of it.
Would she want me around? Would she be worried that it was because of adoption?
Would it negatively impact our open adoption?
Thanks Hummermom - You know, I wouldn't tell her, and the fear I have is COMPLETELY in my own head, but I've always had a paranoia about folks finding out about my medical information. (I realize it's COMPLETELY irrational....well, no it's not. Some of my privacy was comprimised when I had Cupcake but that's another story!) And even if she never DID find out, I'm still a little haunted by the questions, even just as hypotheticals you know?
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TG, Think about down the road and the reverse - what if Cupcake suffers from depression from time to time and thinks its her and she is bad or flawed instead of it simply being a genetic tendency? I am a worrier - always have been - found out my mother had the personality trait - suddenly it's just my genetic make up...and I'm not flawed - its just part of my make up...so I don't beat myself up over it which makes it worse - just something to acknowledge... D
Ah depression... my favorite companion. My DH went through a clinical depression when he had trouble at work and eventually lost his job. My Dr kept saying how are you doing, do you need some help. Finally, several years later I said to him: do you remember asking me.. I survived the depression surrounding placement pretty well I think. (I know that for me it still comes in waves at certain times... like at my birthday which is also D's.) The last years have been one challenge after another, from being blamed for all the problems of one of the congregations I served, to breaking my ankle not long after I started a new call, to the death of my Dad (he died the day after my birthday last year.) to the stroke my brother suffered this past May (just as I was getting energy back after losing Dad.) Those are a few of the hits of the last few years. My problems with depression are certainly not all connected with relinquishment, but they are no less real for that.
Dickons - you bring up a great point. It's like I wish CUPCAKE could know about it but not Dee (crazy, huh?) I just have seen how things like this have negatively affected OA relationships when the children are young and it scares me. Which I realize is a selfish reaction, but it's an honest one for me!
I think it's possible to say to Cupcake, "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very happy today." I've also found it's good to push myself to be present with someone else. Focus on Cupcake and not how you are feeling and that may help you. It depends on the depth of the depression. My husband was definitely NOT able to pull himself out of it for quite a while. It took a combination of therapy, medication, exercise, and time.
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thanksgivingmom
Thanks Hummermom - You know, I wouldn't tell her, and the fear I have is COMPLETELY in my own head, but I've always had a paranoia about folks finding out about my medical information. (I realize it's COMPLETELY irrational....well, no it's not. Some of my privacy was comprimised when I had Cupcake but that's another story!) And even if she never DID find out, I'm still a little haunted by the questions, even just as hypotheticals you know?
I had to tell L. I have suffered from depression for years and probably did growing up, just like with my migraines. So when I updated some health stuff to L that Biker "forgot" to tell them, depression was one of them. Seems to come from both of us.I cannot hide it. I won't hide it. I hate when I know I am slipping into depression. I don't take meds (I have tried a number of them and found nothing different) so I place a call to E and we do a check in for a few days and I just need to do things that I want to do. (((HUGS)))
Thanksgiving Mom I've been reading your posts and following your blog. First let me say thank you for sharing your heart with all of us in cyberspace! Depression can be triggered by almost anything (including the death of a loved one) and often when we have multiple stressors in our life. And you my dear - have gone through a ton of things in recent years. I finally sought help for my own depression after a medication I was on finally threw me over the edge (seriously organizing scapbook supplies alphabetically at 4 AM - NOT NORMAL behavior). I actually sought therapy and determined through the process the things I thought I was mad about (being sick) actually just allowed a ton of other things to bubble up from the surface (my role in my family, my layoff from a job 3 years earlier, my marriage). I did require antidepressants but not everyone does. My advice would be to talk with someone proir to getting to that point. And you are right there is a stigma attached with depression but I've found the more people talk about it the less dramatic it seems to everyone since it is so common. I hope you continue to feel better!
Thanks rmsept :) I realized somewhere along the line I might as well put it all out there - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And recently that's just been my case of the blues. I'm doing much better - but I'm realizing that's only because everything is pretty good. Even the most minor of disappointments can be a bit triggering right now....but baby steps working through it still. :)
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Are you still lying to your finance? I think that is why you are not blogging, because you still want to make your daughter a shameful secret? How much longer will you keep lying? I think my anti-lying stance will get me banned here. This is such a pro-lying site. Sorry. I just think it is shameful and wrong. I know you think it is easy for you. But that is why you ditched your daughter in the first place, easy for you, not her. :banana:
I'm a little late getting in on this but maybe someone will benifit from my mistakes. Fourty years and nine months ago I "shamed" my family by getting pregnant. I dared not bring further shame on them by seeking help for the severe depression that followed placement. I am sure that a most of my bad decisions and problems over the next few years were directly or indirectly caused by negative feelings about myself due to that experience. Finally I learned to supress the pain and avoid life's most obvious pitfalls. I coped but I never got the help I needed until thirty three years later when my daughter found me. What I am saying is deal with this now or deal with it later. Your daughter would rather meet a sane woman that got help when she needed it. Placing a child is tough regardless of the circumstances. You are human and after all this is the 21st century. Good Luck,Patty