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Just playing devil's advocate here, but for everyone who is posting about "not lying" and "not keeping secrets" and how it is harmful when the kid finally finds out:
Question for you: Did you not tell your kids that there is a Santa Claus or Easter Bunny? If you did, weren't they upset that you lied to them all those years?
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SOONLOVESOON
Just playing devil's advocate here, but for everyone who is posting about "not lying" and "not keeping secrets" and how it is harmful when the kid finally finds out:
Question for you: Did you not tell your kids that there is a Santa Claus or Easter Bunny? If you did, weren't they upset that you lied to them all those years?
Actually - I don't remember ever thinking that Santa Claus real - it was just part of the "lore" or "story" of Christmas. We got presents (one opened the night before and either the rest the next morning or after dinner the next day) and a stocking (and were told what grandma put in mom's stocking during the depression) so it made us feel like we struck gold...
I was never told the Easter Bunny was real - we were the ones who colored the eggs and mom would hide them - it was a game.
Kind regards,
Dickons
monee
I don't disagree with this, but having someone's secret doesn't make it my truth to tell. Families have been destroyed by well meaning people telling secrets that do not belong to them. Friendships have also been destroyed because people don't always want to hear the truth.
If a secret is not mine to tell, it is not mine to keep either. I don't keep other people's secrets. Everyone in my family and all my friends know that. Families and friendships have been destroyed by secrets kept as well (and I would say that even the families and friendships destroyed by the secrets being told, the problem traces back to the secret being kept rather than being told). As a therapist I do keep people's confidentiality. And I am willing to be a confidential ear for a friend, but that is different from keeping a secret. I firmly believe that secrets are toxic. If someone can't deal with that style of relating, they don't need to be in my life. In fact, they would probably prefer not to be.
In response to the post about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, I think that's entirely different. Those are not lies, they are fairy tales. Stories, magic, etc - those are important parts of childhood. It's different than hiding something from a person about who she/ he is. It's not necessary for a person to now everytihng bout everything and everyone, but it is important for everyone to know everything available about themselves.
ruth74
If a secret is not mine to tell, it is not mine to keep either. I don't keep other people's secrets. Everyone in my family and all my friends know that. Families and friendships have been destroyed by secrets kept as well (and I would say that even the families and friendships destroyed by the secrets being told, the problem traces back to the secret being kept rather than being told). As a therapist I do keep people's confidentiality. And I am willing to be a confidential ear for a friend, but that is different from keeping a secret. I firmly believe that secrets are toxic. If someone can't deal with that style of relating, they don't need to be in my life. In fact, they would probably prefer not to be.
I think keeping a secret can be different than lending a confidential ear, but the two are not mutually exclusive. If a married friend confides that she had a fling, should I tell her husband because that's the right thing to do or should I let *them* work out the issues in their marriage? On the other hand, if she killed someone, would I keep that secret? Of course not. If I saw her husband cheating, would I run and tell her? Um, no, but I would certainly confront him with a threat that would entice him to tell her.
I used to feel like you, but now I think that life is much too complex to be black and white. Each situation needs to be measured on it's on and each individual needs to make decisions according to what's right for them. If the same friend chose to not tell her child he/she was adopted (or had different father or was an egg donation), would I tell? Absolutely not. I know there are some here that think this is the most egregious of sins, but I have a really difficult time justifying the fallout from making someone live my version (or your version, or someone else's version) of "right". Actions have consequences and ultimately, when it comes out (and it usually does), they can deal with the fallout then.
I guess all our differences are what makes the world (and this board) go around ;)
I do remember thinking Santa was real. I remember when I found out he wasn't. I was sad because a piece of magic around Christmas was gone.
I was never angry at my parents because believing in Santa had been a good thing. Just looking at a picture of Santa can still bring back some of the magic and I LOVE Christmas. I think the fact that I remember believing in the magic of Santa is one of the reasons I still love it so much. It was all good. I never really thought of it as a lie (although technically it was). I never thought there was anything wrong with them telling me Santa was real. It was like we had played a fun game. It was sad to find out it wasn't real but not traumatic.
Santa and the Easter Bunny are fun fairy tales. This isn't at all like hiding from a child the fact that they are adopted. If instead of being told Santa wasn't real I had been told that I was adopted I would have had a completely different reaction. It's just not the same thing.
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sugarmuffin
She is four..... not hiding anything just haven't felt like the time is right yet. Everyone knows including our family in Africa so it is not a deep dark secret. Just not there yet.
She is still young but, in my opinion, you shouldn't put it off for too much longer. Frankly, I was nervous to start talking about it but I found that it got easier and easier to talk about the more I did it. I also made a book that told her adoption story.
I think my daughter was between three and four when I first started talking about her adoption.
I am totally confused. Why in the world would you adopt a child in the first place if you intended to turn around and tell them that actually their last name is not their last name. Seems a$$ backwards. I was told I was adopted by my (adoptive?) dad. My mom is my biological mom, but had me when she was 16. Biological dad was never in the picture, I call my adoptive dad as "dad" and biological as biological.. I remember pretty vividly the scenery around me and how it took place, my mom and dad sat me down in the living room, age 4, and told me my dad is not my real dad. Who is deciding that it is such a great idea to tell the children? The children or people who have never been through it? Makes absolutely no sense to go give a child your last name only to turn around and throw a curve ball in their life by telling them actually they have two last names. If your stepping up to the plate, step up. By adopting a child and giving them your last name you are that child’s parents. I do not remember much of my elementary years, parts here and there but only minimal.
I do remember praying a lot, maybe every night for I am not sure which elementary grades, that I would not wake up. I would try to smother a pillow over my face, I would pray to die and I would pray a lot that I did not care whether I was happy or not I just wanted to make others happy. I am not sure if it is different when both parents are adopting, but I do not see the point of adopting a child, giving them your last name, and turning around and telling them you were just joking. Childhood years are some important ones and an idea like that to think about through those years can have catastrophic effects. I wish I would have never been told. I wish my parents would have put the fear of God into anybody else saying if they told me they would be sorry. It is nobody's business to tell another person’s kid they are adopted, should be manageable. I am 29 now, have grown through the odd elementary years, am told I once had a great relationship with my dad (probably before 4 years old, surprised?) but today and for as long as I can remember we never have gotten along. When they had told me at 4 is when my brother was just being born or pregnancy. The relationship between him and my dad is a complete 180 of ours, and it is even harder knowing why.
In a way, I can understand it, but wonder what it would have been like if we could've all just went along with the one whole happy family idea as we all had the same last names. I have never met my biological father more than once for about 5 minutes when I went to his business at age 17. I was only curious as to what he looked like, if there is any history of crazy health problems, and just because I had known. I still do not know if there is any history of crazy health problems, have not talked with him to fulfill any void broke open by telling me at age 4, and have terrible relationship issues with my dad now, I do not know if it is because I am adopted or if it is because of the fact he knows I know and I know he knows. I think if you are adopting a kid you need to take the entire plate and not have the fall back plan of the fact that they are actually adopted, and they know it.