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We are looking to adopt aged outs / ex-foster kids!
My wife and I both work and need to as it is not a
good time to sell our real estate.
If he is 18 years or more we do not need to be at home
all day.
We hope to adopt younger foster kids later.
It would be great if some one could start a site where families and aged outs / ex-foster
kids could put up profiles.
Dr. Wes Crenshaw just e-mailed me saying he is thinking
about how to do this.
I e-mail Dr. Wes Crenshaw after reading an article.
Just google the title below in " marks.
"Ex-foster kid feels lost without adult support"
I know many ex-foster kids are not looking for
families but that may be because they do not have a good
site to put up a profile.
If kids are in the foster care system they often
have profile and photos etc but the second they
age out they are gone.
Just think about the following.
(note that M and I are doing all the paper
work to adopt through the foster care system but it will
take about four month more)
But think about the following.
People (my wife and I included) are happy
to go through a criminal background check
but many of us do not like to have the state
or county come in our home!!
Just because we cannot have kids we have the
state come in our home to see if we are good enough
to have kids!!
Any guy out there can have kids without the state
checking on them but my wife and I who are hard working
go to work on time and are clean need the state to come
in our home and ask us a lot of questions.
Yes I know the state has it's reasons.
SORRY FOR JUST LETTING IT ALL OUT LIKE THIS. LOL
I do want to make some points and I thought I needed to
set the stage.
The points:
Point #1
Adult adoptions are very easy with very little
paper work. Just google state by state Adult adoptions law.
Point #2
I think many more people would adopt if you (ex-foster kid)
or your agent could do a criminal background check
on the family looking to adopt you. With Adult adoptions
it is up to you (the person being adopted) to decide how
much or little to look at the family adopting you.
Point #3
We need a site where ex-foster kids can put up a profile
as well as couple's profiles looking to adopt. Hey you may
be looking for a better mom and dad than we can be. lol
I hope we can have some humor about this.:)
If you want to help build this web site or
you have info that could us let us know.
Your thoughts please!!
Post or send private message.
J-and-M
peregrinerose
Some logistical thoughts...
How are you going to verify that the adoptee is, in fact an aged out foster child?
Do you have resources set up to deal with the following: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Juvenile/Adult court systems, Drug/Alcohol abuse, employment services, educational services, psychiatric services, learning disabilities, biological family/reunification services, the legal ramifications (both for you and the adoptee) of adult adoptions?
There's a lot to consider here. I would think it would make more sense to adopt a child about to age out of the system, and thus provide the much-needed continuity in care, support, housing, etc, than to wait until after they have aged out of the system.
Thanks peregrinerose,
We have some expierivce in this field but I think the family
wanting to adopt would need to
post a family profile telling the aged outs what they
are willing to take on.
AS TO HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THEY ARE AGED OUTS.
The site should be open to anyone who wants to be adopted
so long as the person is 18 or above.
WHY NOT ADOPT FROM THE FOSTER CARE SYSTEM
Adopting from the foster care system would be the
best option for most but for those who just do not
want the 3 to 6 month of red tape could use said site.
Thanks again for your reply.
J-and-M
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POLL ONE
Please tell us what your #1 #2 and #3 fear is that stopped you from adopting older kids in the pass
(or is stopping you in the present).
POLL TWO
Did you know that aged out kids can be adopted and
that the paper work is very very easy and that no one
but the person being adopted and you are in charge?
POLL THREE
Why did you wait (if you did wait) so long to
adopt?
Thanks,
J-and-M
We adopted three adults. All three were our foster kids before we adopted them. All three were refused tpr by DCFS, so we had no choice but to wait until they were adults before adopting them.
Although the red tape is lessened (ONLY bc we had fostered them as minors), there was still a lot of paperwork. Our adoption was scutinized by the judge (our first adoption, he ultimately did all the adoptions). He wanted to know why we wanted to adopt the kids as adults and what would change in our relationship. He wanted to make sure that we weren't adopting to get the kids' money (What money?) and that the kids weren't wanting to be adopted for financial benefits.
I understand that there are many kids who aged out and want to be adopted, but I would tread very carefully. You said you didn't want to wait 3-4 months, but how long did you and your wife date before marrying? Adoption is a life long committment, not just a "for now" relationship. I would want to know the young person for at least a year before making a life long committment to him/her. In some states, the wait time might be even longer than a year.
May I ask why you want to adopt an adult who aged out and not just be their mentor or whatever until you both are sure that adoption is what you both want?
The other option is to foster late teens who have had their tpr already and who are waiting to be adopted. At least in that scenerio, you would have a year or two to be sure adoption is right for all of you.
lovemy6
We adopted three adults. All three were our foster kids before we adopted them. All three were refused tpr by DCFS, so we had no choice but to wait until they were adults before adopting them.
Although the red tape is lessened (ONLY bc we had fostered them as minors), there was still a lot of paperwork. Our adoption was scutinized by the judge (our first adoption, he ultimately did all the adoptions). He wanted to know why we wanted to adopt the kids as adults and what would change in our relationship. He wanted to make sure that we weren't adopting to get the kids' money (What money?) and that the kids weren't wanting to be adopted for financial benefits.
I understand that there are many kids who aged out and want to be adopted, but I would tread very carefully. You said you didn't want to wait 3-4 months, but how long did you and your wife date before marrying? Adoption is a life long committment, not just a "for now" relationship. I would want to know the young person for at least a year before making a life long committment to him/her. In some states, the wait time might be even longer than a year.
May I ask why you want to adopt an adult who aged out and not just be their mentor or whatever until you both are sure that adoption is what you both want?
The other option is to foster late teens who have had their tpr already and who are waiting to be adopted. At least in that scenerio, you would have a year or two to be sure adoption is right for all of you.
Thanks lovemy6,
(We like this link: [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption]Adoption - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url] )
We hope you do not think we are know it alls. :)
We are married ten years on Oct 14 2010. We just started
looking into adopting and find it hard to believe that there
are so many kids aging out with no family.
Sorry for getting all GLENN BECK on you here! LOL
We got married less then a year after we met. We
prayed about it and felt called to go for it. We
we both knew the other was not perfect.
We will be adopting the kids that we feel led to
adopt. He will not be perfect but who is. We are
married for ten years because we love each other
not because we are perfect.
I know a big biological family which includes a type
one diabetes child and one has down syndrome.
My hat is off to them for having biological kids as the
society they live in and their upbringing would ask them
to take care of the children come what may.
Again we hope you do not think we are know it alls
as we want to keep learning.
Thanks for telling us about the red tape.
Thanks again,
J-and-M
lovemy6
We adopted three adults. All three were our foster kids before we adopted them. All three were refused tpr by DCFS, so we had no choice but to wait until they were adults before adopting them.
Although the red tape is lessened (ONLY bc we had fostered them as minors), there was still a lot of paperwork. Our adoption was scutinized by the judge (our first adoption, he ultimately did all the adoptions). He wanted to know why we wanted to adopt the kids as adults and what would change in our relationship. He wanted to make sure that we weren't adopting to get the kids' money (What money?) and that the kids weren't wanting to be adopted for financial benefits.
I understand that there are many kids who aged out and want to be adopted, but I would tread very carefully. You said you didn't want to wait 3-4 months, but how long did you and your wife date before marrying? Adoption is a life long committment, not just a "for now" relationship. I would want to know the young person for at least a year before making a life long committment to him/her. In some states, the wait time might be even longer than a year.
May I ask why you want to adopt an adult who aged out and not just be their mentor or whatever until you both are sure that adoption is what you both want?
The other option is to foster late teens who have had their tpr already and who are waiting to be adopted. At least in that scenerio, you would have a year or two to be sure adoption is right for all of you.
lovemy6,
WOW!!
Foster mom for 11 years to 26 kids...lovingly adopted five of them, two after waiting 7 years for them to age out of fc, one when she was 23.
Our hat is off to you as well!
When you adopted the aged outs what kind of red tape
did you see. You did say there was a wait time. Was there a lot of paper work as well.
Why did it take ontil she was 23?
Thanks,
J-and-M
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J-and-M
lovemy6,
WOW!!
Foster mom for 11 years to 26 kids...lovingly adopted five of them, two after waiting 7 years for them to age out of fc, one when she was 23.
Our hat is off to you as well!
When you adopted the aged outs what kind of red tape
did you see. You did say there was a wait time. Was there a lot of paper work as well.
Why did it take ontil she was 23?
Thanks,
J-and-M
In my state the judge can make you get a child-specific adoption homestudy done. Fortunately for us, the judge did not ask for one, bc we had a letter from our sw giving her approval for us to adopt. Otherwise, we would have had to get a child-specific hs.
We had to file an adoption petition with the courts. It included a petition to adopt signed by dh and I and notorized, plus our kids' consents to adopt, notorized. There were tons of papers explaining our relationship, when we met, how long the kids lived with us, reasons we didn't adopt as minors, etc. Everything had to be notorized.
Our oldest dd was 12 when she was placed with us as our fd. She stayed a year, then DCFS moved her and wouldn't allow us contact (we all wanted contact). She called me as soon as she turned 18 and left fc. Dh and I wanted to bring up adoption, but we were afraid of being rejected, so we never asked. In our hearts she was our dd and we were all family. This past Easter, I just felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to ask. I did and she cried, "I never thought anyone would ever want to adopt me." May 6th we finalized our adoption! She had just turned 23.
I really HATE the term "aged outs". I know you're using it to short cut saying "kids who aged out of foster care", but I hope "aged outs" never catches on!
lovemy6
In my state the judge can make you get a child-specific adoption homestudy done. Fortunately for us, the judge did not ask for one, bc we had a letter from our sw giving her approval for us to adopt. Otherwise, we would have had to get a child-specific hs.
We had to file an adoption petition with the courts. It included a petition to adopt signed by dh and I and notorized, plus our kids' consents to adopt, notorized. There were tons of papers explaining our relationship, when we met, how long the kids lived with us, reasons we didn't adopt as minors, etc. Everything had to be notorized.
Our oldest dd was 12 when she was placed with us as our fd. She stayed a year, then DCFS moved her and wouldn't allow us contact (we all wanted contact). She called me as soon as she turned 18 and left fc. Dh and I wanted to bring up adoption, but we were afraid of being rejected, so we never asked. In our hearts she was our dd and we were all family. This past Easter, I just felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to ask. I did and she cried, "I never thought anyone would ever want to adopt me." May 6th we finalized our adoption! She had just turned 23.
I really HATE the term "aged outs". I know you're using it to short cut saying "kids who aged out of foster care", but I hope "aged outs" never catches on!
Thanks for your reply lovemy6,
You just got a PM from us.
Later,
J-and-M
J-and-M
Thanks peregrinerose,
We have some expierivce in this field but I think the family
wanting to adopt would need to
post a family profile telling the aged outs what they
are willing to take on.
AS TO HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THEY ARE AGED OUTS.
The site should be open to anyone who wants to be adopted
so long as the person is 18 or above.
WHY NOT ADOPT FROM THE FOSTER CARE SYSTEM
Adopting from the foster care system would be the
best option for most but for those who just do not
want the 3 to 6 month of red tape could use said site.
Thanks again for your reply.
J-and-M
You didn't really answer my questions regarding your supports, etc... that is really important. You may have some experience, and that's great. But there is very little like the experience of loving, helping, and living with someone with RAD, with mental illness, with drug issues, with a host of other problems. It's really important to have a solid network of resources set up first.
Your interest in not wanting to wait the '3 to 6 months of red tape' concerns me. That time period is there for a host of good reasons. Rushing adoptions is not a good thing. What is the hurry?
Have you considered being a foster home for teenagers before embarking on your quest to adopt adults? You'll note that those on here that adopted adults had relationships with the adults prior to their aging out. It wasn't just a random stranger that wanted to be adopted. Relationships and connections matter.
I am concerned that you, other adoptive families, or the adults that are adopted end up getting hurt or taken advantage of. I can't say that Children and Youth always get it right, but at least there are some safeguards for both families and kids... with your scenario, where are the safeguards?
peregrinerose
You didn't really answer my questions regarding your supports, etc... that is really important. You may have some experience, and that's great. But there is very little like the experience of loving, helping, and living with someone with RAD, with mental illness, with drug issues, with a host of other problems. It's really important to have a solid network of resources set up first.
Your interest in not wanting to wait the '3 to 6 months of red tape' concerns me. That time period is there for a host of good reasons. Rushing adoptions is not a good thing. What is the hurry?
Have you considered being a foster home for teenagers before embarking on your quest to adopt adults? You'll note that those on here that adopted adults had relationships with the adults prior to their aging out. It wasn't just a random stranger that wanted to be adopted. Relationships and connections matter.
I am concerned that you, other adoptive families, or the adults that are adopted end up getting hurt or taken advantage of. I can't say that Children and Youth always get it right, but at least there are some safeguards for both families and kids... with your scenario, where are the safeguards?
peregrinerose! Thanks for the input.
On Oct 14 2010 (in about 10 hours) we are married
for 10 years!
About the following: (from peregrinerose)
Do you have resources set up to deal with the following: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Juvenile/Adult court systems, Drug/Alcohol abuse, employment services, educational services, psychiatric services, learning disabilities, biological family/reunification services, the legal ramifications (both for you and the adoptee) of adult adoptions?
I think we have these services in PA for those
who need them.
Should we assume that the 18 year old kid will need them? Kids are going to the streets with no place to go.
If they are aging out of the system and want a mom
and dad I think families with no kids (like us) have
very little to lose by adopting. If we do not get along
what is the worst that can happen? Having
kids adopted or not is risky. Which is more risky adopting a 15 year old or an 18 year old? I would
say a 15 year old.
About the following: (from peregrinerose)
I am concerned that you, other adoptive families, or the adults that are adopted end up getting hurt or taken advantage of. I can't say that Children and Youth always get it right, but at least there are some safeguards for both families and kids... with your scenario, where are the safeguards?
I do not knew what to say.
I am sure you have just as big a heart as we have
and I am sure that you read many articles like this one
and like us it makes you cry.
[url=http://cflhomeless.wordpress.com/2009/09/23/homeless-at-age-18-%E2%80%93-aging-out-of-foster-care/]Homeless at age 18 – aging out of foster care [/url]
Again about safeguards?
I will give it a try.
#1 We are talking about adults.
#2 The family that wants to adopt and the
adults wanting to be adopted would be asked
by the adults adoption agency to agree to
having a criminal background check done.
#3 The family that wants to adopt and the
adults wanting to be adopted would ask for
references and take all the time they need
before meeting each other.
#4 The biggest safeguard is in that the law is not
forcing said adults to live together. The
idea would be to have a caring family where we
look out for each other but all families have ups and
downs and then ups again.
Again which is more risky adopting a 15 year old or an 18 year old? I would say a 15 year old because the
law makes you live together.
BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN BECAUSE
ADULTS BELIEVE THat FOSTER KIDS AGING OUT
ARE TO RISKY AND THE KIDS AGING OUT WILL
NOT PUT UP PROFILES AS THEY HAVE GIVEN UP
AND DO NOT WANT TO BE LET DOWN.
A note to you that did age out of foster care.
You are less risky to adopt because the law will not
make us live together. I believe all families have ups
and downs and I believe you are good kids just like
more than 95% of kids. I think less then 5%
of ALL kids have bad intent. I.e. more then 95% of
ALL kids have good intent. If you have given up hope
of finding a mom and dad I understand but I want to
see if an adult adoption agency could work.
Lets see if this could work!
J-and-M
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I'm going to try to be very clear in this post. I truly hope that your intentions are benign, and that you are just inexperienced in working with people with huge issues.
How can both parties be hurt if they are not living together? Adoption means that both parties will have access to very personal identifying information. Identity theft is a huge issue, very common, and very difficult to catch the perpetrator. Both sides now have that opportunity.
Second safety issue... how many foster kids have you worked with? Many of them are psychologically or emotionally 'stuck' at earlier ages, so you may be looking at a 19-20+ year old who is emotionally 8 or 9. This means there is a great deal of potential for the adoptive parents to manipulate, control, and hurt the child... and those factors don't show up on a criminal record check.
There's a reason that adoption paperwork is so invasive, not only FBI, PA criminal record, and Child Abuse clearance.... but parents have to prove they are financially stable, emotionally stable, and have supports lined up, in order to maximize the success of the adoption. Are you aware that over 50% of teenage adoptions fail? There are many reasons for this, and you are not addressing those reasons. These are people that have been rejected and hurt their entire lives, and the coping mechanisms they may have gained are not always appropriate or healthy. These are not simple cases you can fix with love, they require a great deal of professional help.
I live in PA... you say "I am sure that PA has resources". Do a LOT of digging. We looked into adopting a 17.5 year old who needed occupational therapy, RAD therapy, was completely illiterate so needed some form of psychoeducational evaluation and management, possible autism spectrum treatments, and anger management help. Unfortunately, all of the solid resources that were appropriate for him are cut off at 18, regardless of his need for more pediatric-type treatments due to his emotional age. The only reason we didn't adopt him is because we could not find the supports for him to do it right. Living in a very rural area did limit us somewhat, so we hoped that someone in Pittsburgh or Phila, with access to a broader range of services would step in for him. Finding services is not as easy as you might thing. Does SWAN's post-perm services (which has been a true lifesaver for us) step in for adult adoptions? Probably not.
I can assure you that intent of the child is irrelavent. Our son, most of the time, has good intent. But that good intent is over ridden by fear. All his good intents still resulted in my husband's face getting punched in. He's assaulted 25+ people and destroyed a lot of property over his years in the system. We're trying to undo 16 years of 'training' and teaching him new coping skills. It's not easy. And all the resources dry up for him in 10 more months.
If an adoption will happen, it needs to be 100%.. not pretend. That means the parents will have a LOT of work in front of them (and the adoptees as well) as learning to be a family isn't easy.
I have not yet figured out if you have less than honorable motives in this, or if you are just extremely underexperienced in working with people that have very real problems and habits spanning decades. The only reason I replied is because I'm hoping you're the latter and will listen to reason. If you're the former... well.. no amount of reason will matter.
peregrinerose
I can assure you that intent of the child is irrelavent. Our son, most of the time, has good intent.
+1
Yes. Many foster kids want families but many of them also have no idea what having a family is all about. They have unrealistic expectations and are not capable of two-way relationships. They say they want to stop moving and have a parent who loves them. They have good intentions but it comes to nothing because they don't even know how to recognize love. Often love is when mom gives everything and asks for nothing in return.
If you are new at this then you might think that sounds okay. All you want is to help kids and you don't want anything back from them. Not true. At some level you are surely expecting to at least get some appreciation and love back from the kid. That won't happen unless you are very very lucky. As time passes these kids can drain beyond anything you can currently imagine. You say "Not me". And we say "Wait and see". Its something that you can't understand until you have experienced it, no matter how much us insiders try to explain it.
Hello, I don't know if this thread is still active. I'm an aged out foster kid who is looking for what you are as well. My email is greyelkkohana@gmail.com if you do see this.
We are looking to adopt aged outs / ex-foster kids!
My wife and I both work and need to as it is not a
good time to sell our real estate.
If he is 18 years or more we do not need to be at home
all day.
We hope to adopt younger foster kids later.
It would be great if some one could start a site where families and aged outs / ex-foster
kids could put up profiles.
Dr. Wes Crenshaw just e-mailed me saying he is thinking
about how to do this.
I e-mail Dr. Wes Crenshaw after reading an article.
Just google the title below in " marks.
"Ex-foster kid feels lost without adult support"
I know many ex-foster kids are not looking for
families but that may be because they do not have a good
site to put up a profile.
If kids are in the foster care system they often
have profile and photos etc but the second they
age out they are gone.
Just think about the following.
(note that M and I are doing all the paper
work to adopt through the foster care system but it will
take about four month more)
But think about the following.
People (my wife and I included) are happy
to go through a criminal background check
but many of us do not like to have the state
or county come in our home!!
Just because we cannot have kids we have the
state come in our home to see if we are good enough
to have kids!!
Any guy out there can have kids without the state
checking on them but my wife and I who are hard working
go to work on time and are clean need the state to come
in our home and ask us a lot of questions.
Yes I know the state has it's reasons.
SORRY FOR JUST LETTING IT ALL OUT LIKE THIS. LOL
I do want to make some points and I thought I needed to
set the stage.
The points:
Point #1
Adult adoptions are very easy with very little
paper work. Just google state by state Adult adoptions law.
Point #2
I think many more people would adopt if you (ex-foster kid)
or your agent could do a criminal background check
on the family looking to adopt you. With Adult adoptions
it is up to you (the person being adopted) to decide how
much or little to look at the family adopting you.
Point #3
We need a site where ex-foster kids can put up a profile
as well as couple's profiles looking to adopt. Hey you may
be looking for a better mom and dad than we can be. lol
I hope we can have some humor about this.:)
If you want to help build this web site or
you have info that could us let us know.
Your thoughts please!!
Post or send private message.
J-and-M
I am sure there are many people who would love to do this, whether it was a formal adoption or just a close family relationship/support system. I often look at the profiles of young people aging out of the system and wish there were a way to reach out to them whether just to let them know someone cares, or to go further. I cannot imagine anything being more frightening than being dumped out of a very flawed system often carrying a lot of baggage and without the preparation to face adulthood alone and then to have no one to cheer you on, give you a hug during the low times and celebrate your successes and spend milestones and holidays together. Such a site could also offer the chance to connect with each other if you just want someone to talk to.
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We are looking to adopt aged outs / ex-foster kids!
My wife and I both work and need to as it is not a
good time to sell our real estate.
If he is 18 years or more we do not need to be at home
all day.
We hope to adopt younger foster kids later.
It would be great if some one could start a site where families and aged outs / ex-foster
kids could put up profiles.
Dr. Wes Crenshaw just e-mailed me saying he is thinking
about how to do this.
I e-mail Dr. Wes Crenshaw after reading an article.
Just google the title below in " marks.
"Ex-foster kid feels lost without adult support"
I know many ex-foster kids are not looking for
families but that may be because they do not have a good
site to put up a profile.
If kids are in the foster care system they often
have profile and photos etc but the second they
age out they are gone.
Just think about the following.
(note that M and I are doing all the paper
work to adopt through the foster care system but it will
take about four month more)
But think about the following.
People (my wife and I included) are happy
to go through a criminal background check
but many of us do not like to have the state
or county come in our home!!
Just because we cannot have kids we have the
state come in our home to see if we are good enough
to have kids!!
Any guy out there can have kids without the state
checking on them but my wife and I who are hard working
go to work on time and are clean need the state to come
in our home and ask us a lot of questions.
Yes I know the state has it's reasons.
SORRY FOR JUST LETTING IT ALL OUT LIKE THIS. LOL
I do want to make some points and I thought I needed to
set the stage.
The points:
Point #1
Adult adoptions are very easy with very little
paper work. Just google state by state Adult adoptions law.
Point #2
I think many more people would adopt if you (ex-foster kid)
or your agent could do a criminal background check
on the family looking to adopt you. With Adult adoptions
it is up to you (the person being adopted) to decide how
much or little to look at the family adopting you.
Point #3
We need a site where ex-foster kids can put up a profile
as well as couple's profiles looking to adopt. Hey you may
be looking for a better mom and dad than we can be. lol
I hope we can have some humor about this.:)
If you want to help build this web site or
you have info that could us let us know.
Your thoughts please!!
Post or send private message.
J-and-M