When did you start talking race with your child?

I blame some of DD's insecurity on people who have taken pictures of her in the past. Some people will tell her to open her eyes for a photo. Well... if she smiles her eyes are going to look like they are closed. To get an open eye picture means she will not be smiling. I have had to get really snippy in a low key way with people in the past with this issue. I'm not letting them put their narrow view of what makes a pretty portrait on my DD. I just find it interesting that the Japanese have such an obsession with big, round eyes and here is DD with the same issue. Go figure...those are her people. She has just starting saying those are her people which is kind of cute.

Liana and I have always talked about race in a very positive way, such as "he's an indigenous person just like you!" or talking about the race and ethnicity of her friends or teachers or our neighbors. Yesterday, for the very first time, I hinted at the concept of racism. I took Liana with me to vote, and talked to her about the elections. I explained that "in our household mommy makes the rules, and you have to follow the rules. But mommies and daddies have to follow the rules of the government, and today we are electing the people who will make the rules that we have to follow." I went on to say that I was very frightened by some of the people running for office. Liana, of course, asked me why I was frightened. I told her that I believe that some of the people running for office are mean, and that they don't like some people because of the color of their skin or the religions that they believe in. I didn't specify what skin colors or what religions, and she didn't ask.

As somebody who grew up in Switzerland and lived most of my lifetime in Israel, I despise the construct "race" because it is identical to the German word "Rasse" which Mr. Hitler used to do away with some of my ancestors. I do not talk with my children about "race", no thank you. "Ethnicity", on the other hand, is a construct that I embrace as it expresses common heritage, history, culture, language, possibly religion etc. I told my five years old son about his Cambodian Khmer ethnic background since he was very young. We have contact with his birth family (he even learnt some Khmer from his birthmother), we went to Buddhist services, learnt about Cambodia etc. I did not observe that the fact that Cambodians look specifically "South East Asian" seems of any interest to my son, BTW. Should he one say say something like "why am I brown and you are white" - I'll answer it. But I need it to come from him, not form me or one of those books on transracial adoption. What I observe currently is that he is asking about Cambodia and Buddhism and why he was placed for adoption. In particular, he has many questions about his birthparents, whom, in his mind, he sees as "family". My daughter is half AA and half Pacific Islander. She is not yet verbal, but I plan to do the same with her, too, i.e. introduce her both the AA and Marshallese history, heritage, language. (Yeah, double the work, oh well). :)

Wizard: You may not like race and not want to talk about it. but make no mistake: your daughter, who will be seen as black, will have it brought to her attention. You are not doing her any favors by not talking about it.

Sorry, disagree. I have been slaughtered on this board before because I refuse to participate in the American race obsession game but, frankly put, I don't care. I will adapt my behavior to, as I see it, mirror an American social illness. And BTW, I am not alone. Other immigrants I know who adopted children transracially think along those lines, too. It might sound out-of-the box to Americans but this is our perspective. Uh, and there are the followers of the Bahai faith ([url=http://www.bahai.us/]Bahai Faith | Baha'i Faith | United States Official Website[/url]) who sanctify interracial marriage and do not believe in race either. So maybe we are just dumb. Or maybe not at all. I do not see any added value to go to my adopted daughter and "prepare" her for racism or worse, start hypnotizing her with suggestions like "you WILL experience racism, you WILL experience racism ...". (And the same goes for my son - why don't we mention him as well?) My daughter is biracial, half AA and half Marshallese. I don't not have a crystal ball, and I cannot predict if/when/how she will experience racism. American society is rapidly changing, to pretend that we know what experiences our kids will go through is foolish at best (or smart - if you are one of the authors of adoption books or better, if you make money by teaching adoptive parents how to prepare their children to handle racism) ... In addition, the more one becomes obsessed with a topic and directs energy to it, the more of a focus that topic indeed becomes, i.e. a self fulfilling prophecy. If I go and hammer into my daughter's head form a young age on that she will suffer from racism, then she actually might believe that and act on it. If I stay neutral and let things evolve in a natural way, I do her a much better service. IMHO, the debate on the adoption of black children by white parents bears a political and emotional undertone rather than focusing on the actual positive adoption outcomes. There are factors in adoption that are real issues and cause disruptions like mental health/emotional/behavioral issues etc. and race is not in the top list them. (And why the heck do I say that stuff? Because I do adoption research at a university and have read tons of research papers).

Hey Wizardofoz, I think you are right in a way.... we are a little race obsessed. But (not to speak for anyone else on here) what I think of when people mention this sort of thing is not so much dealing with preparing for racism, but more celebrating the child's race to make them comfortable and self confident. Studies show that black adoptees are very well adjusted in general but a large percentage have expressed a wish to be white. I don't want my babies to ever wish to be anything other than what they are. So when it's age appropriate I want to start ingraining in their psyches that black is beautiful and they should be proud of it. Their hair is beautiful. They are beautiful. Beauty is not synonomous with white skin and a narrow nose and long flowing blond hair. I don't want them to wonder what I think or listen to the messages they get from other sources about their race, I want to have a strong and unequivocal influence on them early so they can begin to develop a positive self image. I am the first person they are going to learn from at this young age and right now hubby and I are the most important people in their lives. What we say will have a lot of impact at this point and when they are young. I think you and I are really on the same page. By the same token, they will withstand the assaults on their self esteem when they do come into contact with racism and (hopefully) end up with little negative impact if they already have a strong sense of self and a healthy self confidence.

Research papers? okay Wizard you seem to do the usual of dismissing the Black experience in THESE United States, yet uphold your rights or experience as a Jew/Israeli. My people are immigrants too and I for sure saw what Blacks go through in the US by marrying an AA man. I know as a parent of 3 Black kids that even if I try to forget.. the subtitles are there. Life is better, but looking at how Obama is treated/portrayed (as a AA/CC biracial man) and how many Whites and some minorities has gone along with, for sure we are not post racial. You make a huge mistake dismissing what we Blacks go through. Let's hope race relations get much better for your minority kids, or you go to the Utopia that you came from.

With my daughter, we do not talk about race and I don't really "plan" on it either. If we are in a situation where Firefly or strangers bring up differences then I talk to DD about race. We have books about children of different races and we have friends from all types of backgrounds - but I would have done this if she were my Black biological child.For example, one of the kids in her school told her she had "slant eyes" (the child looked to be about 6-7 years old so probably understood the concept of race and racism). Firefly is only two years old so she doesn't understand what slant eyes mean BUT I confronted the little kid and told her we do not say mean words at the playground and her mother later apologized about the incident. Later that day, I told Firefly that she had pretty eyes and she should not worry about what mean people say about her looks and gave her a hug.

We are lucky enough to have one of the remaining African American bookstores very nearby, plus a good TRA adoption resource, so we have a lot of books with AA characters as well as books like The Colors of Us, Brown Like Me, and Shades of Black. When we read those books we talk about skin color. I've always called David, "My beautiful boy" and tell him how nice his skin and eyes and hair are. It made me smile the other day when he held up his arm and said, "I have beautiful brown skin!'' Yes you do, little man. :) Wizard, have you read, The First R? It's not about adoption. It's about preschool-aged kids and what they notice and say with regard to race - especially when the adults aren't listening. You can tell your kids you don't agree. You can tell them you hate the way Americans conceptualize and emphasize race. But if you aren't talking, other people will be and from a very early age. What I don't get is the assumption that if you don't talk about the American way of dealing with race, somehow your kids won't be affected by it. And I'm not talking about in the great distant future. I'm talking about right now.

Exactly! "race" relations is not one dimensional, but very abstract and dynamic. My oldest first exposure to race talk was in preschool. Kids are naturally curious, and yes some may already pick up on negativity. Depending on the receiving child's personality and their self perception, it can affect or not how they feel about their features and what have you as different. Continued exposure to such especially without a proactive parent will form that child's personality. As a parent I learned a while back once my kids started school, I have to "share" my kid with others. As my oldest said to me a few years back, (non race situation) "but mom you are supposed to say I am wonderful or cute" lolIn addition, there is a continued misconception on what preparing ones minority child is comprised of, it takes an open minded individual to do their own research. You become that child''s race (racial make-up) before they are aware of such. The child does not become a part of the parents life, the parent is supposed to become a part of that child.

That is cute, love how she is connecting to her Asian side. :-) I am holding off on our research, not sure how to approach it with combined bio and adopted kiddos.

I thought this thread was about teaching a child about his/her race and not discussing racism. Race, ethnicity and identity can be very complex and it helps a child be confident if he has a good foundation of who he is. Believe it or not people will ask your children odd ball stuff... I got asked many things throughout the time I was in school and I'm thankful that my mom prepared me. If your race appears ambiguous you get all the more questions. And to clarify something... We do not go to Asian restaurants to give DD the Asian experience. Sometimes on the forums I've seen adoptive parents who do that and think it's acceptable...it's not. We have family members who fill that role and they are living just like we are. My DD's looks change throughout the day... There are times she looks very Asian and other times there's a hint. I've had people who knew it was inappropriate to ask DD about her background beat around the bush with me trying to figure out what my DH looks like. It's like we are playing a game of 20 questions.

This. Because of the way my DD looks (and to me it changes daily) I get....oh and "what is she"....I don't get that anymore, doesn't she look exotic. Or when she was first placed a couple asked me if I "knew" her background....I really don't think they were referring to anything other than her racial make-up. And that was my point of asking my original question, but as I've read, it also dawned on me that we may have conversations much earlier than I thought because my L is a daycare/preschool child so who knows what she will also be hearing at school and asking me about....although I do have to say, I'm quite happy as the daycare she attends has all shades of brown and all shades of white/pink lol including the teachers so she fits right in without a second glance.

I totally agree. I always tell Nicole how beautiful she is & specifically mention her skin & hair. I want her to be happy with herself & how she looks, & to understand that looking different from us is ok, but I don't want race & adoption to be the main focus of her life.

That's who they are, it's not right to play down that aspect either. Especially when their skin color makes who they are, hard to avoid. When I talk to DD about her being adopted its streamline..no major fuss either. How? we pray for her mother, and other family members every night, she also has a little album of pictures of who she is. Sleeplvr, that's true people in my family with the ambiguous looks get that what are you? Have to give them a certain foundation so they do not feel out of place. I have had a neighbor ask me who my beautiful nephew was, why? he did not match my boys, good thing he was not in ear shot. Others have made much about my younger sons hair (good hair and such) as a toddler..good thing that's not as frequent. That's another aspect I keep an eye on with DD, it helps that she, dh and I are close in skin shade.