Speaking with BM for first time/ her parents upset

Rocknroll, that stinks... I hope for the best for this family. It could be hard. (I'm not trying to discourage you at all!! Just to help prepare you.) My Athena's bmom concealed the pregnancy. After Athena was born there were calls and a troop of angry family members came over to the hospital to torture the bmom. She was very strong in her resolve. She was sure on her adoption plan I guess. She didn't let any of her family members even see us.... in retrospect I think she was trying to protect us and Athena. It was akward and ugly. It worked out for us but I feel it was an undue and terrible burden on the birthmom in addition to everything else she was going through at the time. I understand there is often quite a stigma when it comes to adoption in black families, and it's humiliating for other family members to think that someone who is biologically related didn't take the baby. So you probably will have to expect problems. I am sorry that Athena's bmom had such a hard time with her family and I almost wish she didn't try so hard to shield us and Athena from them.

We talked with Nicole's birthmom on the phone for about a month & were planning on meeting at the hospital, but at the last minute she decided it would be too hard for her. The lady from the agency told us her mom came to the hospital & tried to talk her into keeping the baby, & she told her mom to leave so she could sign the papers. It made it a lot less stressful for us getting Nicole after the papers were signed & she couldn't change her mind, but I wish we could have met the birthmom to tell Nicole about. We don't even have a picture of her & she never responds to the pictures & letters we send. I wish I could know how she's doing. I bonded with her on the phone & I feel like she's part of our family.

Both of my kids bmom's concealed their pregnancies. It is a major stigma in AA families to place a child for adoption. My DS's bfamily found out about him and it was a three ring circus... they literally sat in her house and in her driveway for days. DD's bmom said she would tell her family after the adoption was finalized because she knew her mom and grandmom would want to raise the baby. Since the family is in opposition in your case I would just hold back and wait. If her family can't convince her to parent a relative will probably step forward. I'll be honest here... even though I'm adoptive parent I would raise the same kind of hell if either of my kids wanted to place a child for adoption.

You definitely need to be prepared that this could be a really tough placement. Some women are very strong in their resolve and it will happen no matter what the family thinks. For others, once that baby is born and there is family all around promising to help, it's too hard to stick with their adoption plan. While it is wonderful that you want to support your expectant mother, and you absolutely should support her in her right to decide either way, just be sure you are preparing yourself in case she does decide to parent...it's a tough situation. Not trying to discourage you...as I said, both of our placements were tough on our birthmothers, but they both stuck to their guns, neither allowed their mother to come to the hospital which I know was tough. But both of them knew what they wanted to do and both followed through with their decision to make an adoption plan for their child.

We are as prepared as we can be to have her keep her child. I believe that until she chooses to place that child in our arms it is hers (and of course always will be hers to some degree). At least this is what I kep telling myself:) I am a very protective person and I don't know how I will react to her family badgering her if I see it. I know I need to stay away but regardless of her choice I want her treated with respect. Maybe its because I feel my father did not treat us with respect during this process. When issues arrose where did you go? Did you stay in the hospital? We are with her for 48 hours prior to the papers being presented. What if there is family around the entire time? What if there is a family that hates us but she wants us around? Akk. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing:(

Family came out of the wood works when we visited an emom post birth. Some family member just found out, an auntie popped up and had demands, emom stayed quiet thru it all and became disconnected. It was interesting. lol However, do gauge yourself, and imo with the exception of offering counseling etc; I would stay out of the dynamics. As Black families go a lo may still have issues with placing the child out of the family permanently wise ie adoption. With the private domestic adoption...I do know my sisters had a hard time even fathoming another mom relinquishing her child to dh and I. Oh yea I would give my limbs before I let a baby get adopted out of my family.

Something else to think about... this is not a one time battle. DH has a cousin who relinquished his paternal rights because his girlfriends family pressured him. He was a teenager at the time and was afraid to tell his parents. That was 20 years ago and the family has not let go of it. At just about every family gathering somebody brings up the child he gave away. So you need to remember this will probably be a life long battle bmom will have to fight. It's one of the main reasons I want to connect with my kids bfamilies. As far as I am concerned their bfamilies are now my family. It's no big deal for me to add more people to visit or to add to my photo & christmas card list. Do not confront the mom's family even if they are putting on a major show. Since you are coming to Atlanta my guess is the family has their roots in the south. Because of the legacy of slavery in this region AA's tend to be over the top when it comes to losing a family member via adoption. Families were torn apart during slavery so why would someone willingly give a child away? Step back and do not jump into the fray. Do not initiate contact with the family but be available if they want to talk with you. It helps them to know that you are not pushing this issue but rather waiting for the mom's decision. I waited until DS's bfamily reached out to me and they had no problem with me. DS's bmom had stopped talking to them so they didn't know what was going on. Some of the things that bmom had told them were not taken seriously until they heard them from me.

I feel that your situation is your own, regardless of what others have been through. History does play a part, and you may well have trouble, but maybe you won't. Just be prepared - that's all you can do.

To be prepared one has to know. Sounds like something David Carradine (sp? ) in Kung Fu would say. lol Anyhow to the OP, how are things going?

Thank you guys so much for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel better to at least know what I MIGHT expect. The history aspect is very interesting as well. Quite honestly I never would have looked at it from that angle. It definitly is good to have that prospective. Things are going well. I see my dad tonight for the first time since all hell broke loose. He called and said that he is happy for us, and will love this baby. We will see how it goes. Quite frankly I'm so nervous and excited about McKalya's arrival I don't have time to worry about his issues:) Oh and we did decide on McKayla for a name. Actually DH's 5th grade class voted on the name. It was between McKayla, Hadley and Noamie. They liked McKayla the best. I like that one too. I really loved Hadley because we would call her Haddie. We were driving one day though and I told Scott to look up the name Hattie on wikipedia. I asked " Is there a black actress by that name?" Sure enough Hattie Mcdaniels from Gone with the Wind popped up. I told him "Ok we can't call her Haddie. People will think we are saying Hattie and then they will jump to gone with the wind and think we are naming her after a mammy. Yes she won an Oscar but why does she have to win for playing a mammy?" DH told me I was insane. I shrugged and we dropped it. We went to dinner that night with our friends and told them our name choices. I should mention that these particular friends are black. The first thing out of her mouth when we said Haddie was "Like Hattie Mcdaniels? Oh no!" LOL I immediately started smacking my husband and saying SEE!!!!!Try to tell me I'm crazy. Now we are just waiting for the call. I hate waiting and not knowing what is going to happen. Every time the phone rings I jump. Then I keep thinking about her changing her mind. Which is ok. I would just rather know now then later. All of these things are impossible I know. I think I am driving our case worker insane with my questions. I just like to know every possible scenario. I need to feel as prepared as possible. It is just my neurotic nature. I also feel sad because the bm isn't reaching out to us. I guess I hoped to have some connection to her. It doesn't seem like this will be likely. She has our email and our number. The SW said she wasn't really interested in either. I just want to give her daughter as much information as I can about her. Sigh. Don't mind me I am just working on a TON of nervous energy.

Still better than Prissy from GWTW. LOLHang in there, its hard all around, and for sure there is a feeling of no control over the situation. Sometimes it could be the emom needs time to process it all.