contacting mom on FB- is this ok?

Hi Rocknrollmama, Am I correct to assume you'll be in a closed/semi-open adoption after placement? (Guessing from the fake FB account and the throwaway phone). I suppose that a part of me is concerned that she could feel like you're reaching out now, and then won't be there for that support anymore after birth/placement. This could set up an expectation for her that post placement contact is a possibility. And if it's not a possibility for you, I'd be very cautious. Personally? I was really hurt when Cupcake's Mom was SO gaurded about her personal information (using a PO Box or the agency, not getting her email address, etc) while everything of mine was shared with her. It felt - to me - like a one way street. At this point, she may be getting emotional support from family and friends and might need this time for herself. Could you contact the agency and see if they can get a hold of her and make your offer of support known? I think that this would be a better step than contacting her via her personal FB account. Best of luck to you.

We will be in an semi-open adoption with her. I just don't want her to have access to our home address. At this point it doesn't seem like the best choice. That could very well change. I want also created the fake fb page because I don't want our friends and family locating her because she deserves privacy. As far as having our phone number, I don't mind perse but I think I would rather wait until some time has passed. We also have a daughter and I feel like I would want to protect her. I definitely see some of the points you are making though. I just really want the hospital visit to be as smooth as possible. I don't really know what her wish is. I know for me I would feel more comfortable having some conversation before hand. Even casual hey how are you doing? This is simply because when I get nervous, I babble. A LOT. I figure if I speak to her again in some form maybe I will be less likely to say something wrong. If she had an email account she regularly accessed I would have no issue having an ongoing conversation with her over email, before during and after the adoption. Bleh, I jsut want to do what's right. I also want to know how she wants us to refer to her, maybe show her some names we are looking at etc.

btw your blog is awesome! That is great your are opening your heart to so many who are experiencing similiar things.

I can tell you heart is totally in the right place, so I apologize if my first post came across as negative :) I do see where you're coming from in your actions, just was giving some perspective "from the other side" so to speak. If you're working through an agency, I still think that's probably the best way to reach out to her at this point. If she gets a friend request from you she might feel compelled to accept, when that's something that she might not be ready for. It's certainly complicated, and it's a delicate dance for everyone involved.

Blergh, I haven't blogged in FOREVER. But I keep telling myself I'll get back to it soon....

rocknrollmama- I gather from other threads that you have spoken to her by phone before. Could you either ask her directly if she would be comfortable being fb friends or ask the social worker to ask her? My DH and I wanted at least a semi open adoption but we were chosen by a mom who wanted closed. I begged the social workers and lawyer to give her our info and tell her that she could contact us at any time. The hospital did not redact any of her info from my son's medical records so I found her on fb and myspace but did not contact her out of respect for her choice of a closed adoption. Thankfully, she contacted me when our baby was about 8 months old and gave me her email. I email a letter and pictures to her at least once a month. Sadly, I have only heard from her once. I hope that you will be able to develop a relationship with this expectant mom and it will be more of a two way street than I have been able to accomplish. TGM- I was beginning to think you had abandoned us faithful blog readers. Did you know that October 1st was the date of your last entry? (que me looking at my watch and tapping my foot)

I totally understand where you are coming from on this one.... you really don't know her very well at all. I (like to think) I know my babies' birthfamilies fairly well, and we have completely open adoptions and I am fb friends with Selena's bmom and would be with Kee's also if they were on fb. They all have my phone numbers and address and everything and have been very respectful. When Athena's bmom was alive it was the same with her. It's a great way to keep in contact and they can see pics too. Once you know her better you could consider these sorts of things. One extra comment... just because others on these boards have this kind of adoption doesn't mean that you have to! It may not be right for you and your family or you may not want to based on some characteristics of the emom or her family or you just want to be more private. There is no shame in that either, so don't feel that you "should" make any one choice because of anything that anyone else says to you. There probably isn't a wrong answer!! It's so hard sorting this stuff out, and it won't likely get easier!! :-) You just have to make choices that you are comfortable with and can continue with and stick to beyond the time of birth if she places.

I would think your agency should be helping you with this...they should be talking with her about her hospital plan...and they should let her know you would like to speak with her. Once they clear the way for communication, then definitely call her and let her have the cell phone number...but whatever you do...do not get rid of that phone as soon as the baby is born. We are 4 months out from our placement and I still hear from our bmom at least once a week...she definitely needs the support now more than ever!

Thank you so much for posting this. Sometimes I feel like on these boards that if you're not 100% on board with open adoption, people try to change your mind or make you feel bad because you're not. So thank you for your sharing what works for your family and sharing the wisdom that it might not work for every family.

thanksgiving- I didn't think you were negative at all! I am new to this whole process and want has many opinions as possible. Somehow I if I mesh everything together I'll come out to a good end result:) I am totally open to a semi open adoption with interest in baby-stepping into a more open if things goes smoothly. I just want what is best for everything. I guess it's kinda hard to figure that out right away. I think I'm going to go with the consensus that I should provide all the information to her that I am willing to give and let her come to us. I am just so nervous and want to do the right thing.