For those of you with tiny sons

The obsessing about size never quits. My wonderful daughter from China is now 15, but she stands 5 feet 0 inches on a good day, and weighs about 90 lb. The pediatrician does not think that she will grow much more, since she went through puberty at 11 and that tends to slow things down a lot. Some of Becca's size issues can be explained by simple genetics. She is a petite Southern Chinese girl, and her birthparents were probably petite; we have no information on them. But she also had feeding issues and, possibly, a parasite when she was a baby, and those things could have stunted her growth. Becca complains that she is short, but when I remind her that she is Chinese, she points to the fact that she is in a school where the International Baccalaureate program is majority Asian and mostly Chinese. She is, by far, the shortest girl in the 10th grade of the program. I point out to Becca that she is cute, and that all the boys will want to dance with her, even the short ones, since she will be shorter than they are. She points out, on the other hand, that she can't find age-appropriate clothing to wear. The kids' department has nothing for teens who have a figure and are no longer into Barbie! And the ONLY store, cheap or expensive, where is can find jeans is Aeropostale. She can't find dress slacks at all. She is quite into fashion, so you can imagine her irritation. Becca will be allowed to take driving lessons at the end of this year, and she fears that she will not be able to reach the pedals! She reminds me that even my late mother, who was about her size in her old age, had to have some modifications to her car so she could both see out over the steering wheel and reach the pedals. Frankly, I think that she should be glad she's small. Everyone thinks she's brilliant because they assume she is younger than she is! She looks great and will almost certainly never get fat. And so on. But of course, she's a teenager, and if there's no grumping about one thing, then there is lots of grumping about something else. Ya can't win. Sharon

My son is also almost five and not on the charts. He is only 32 lbs. When we are out and about we are constantly being asked if he and his sister (who just turned 3) are twins. What bothers me the most though are the comments (so called jokes) made by family members about his small size. Both my husband and I come from 'tall' families so his size really stands out at family gatherings. I am continuously reminding them to keep a lid on their jokes and comments. I think he is going to get enough comments from kids at school when he is older, he doesn't need them from family members.

I dont have any brilliant suggestions here, but I do think long term the issue is different for boys than for girls. My 4 year old Guatemalan cutie is on the short side but is not too far off from his peers (ie he is the second shortest boy in his class which has 8 boys) and he has the shoulders and torso of a mini-linebacker.. he is solid and does not get too many comments about his height or age at this stage. My 1 year old island boy (Marshallese) is going to be petite (he is in 9 month clothes now and finally but barely got on to the US weight charts last month) and people are already surprised about his age so we have it coming in the future for sure. My DH was involved in big brother/little brother for many years (we still have a good relationship with his little, J, who now is in his mid 20s and has a son of his own) and J is also petite. I remember the days of J's mom calling us asking what to do because he was begging to go to the doctors to get growth hormones. All we did do is work hard to build up his self esteem and assure him it gets better (maybe Obama can make a video for shorties- lol). It did get better - he is the first in his family to graduate from college, he has a good job and a wonderful 2 year old son that he adores, but the years from 11 (when we met him) to 18 or so were hard.

DS is 4 1/2 and still wears mostly size 3 pants but size 4/5 tops. He is the shortest kid in his preK but is built pretty solid. The other day he said a friend (boy) teased him because he was taller than DS. And he is. So we talked about height and the good about being tall or not so tall. This is the first time he has mentioned that he is not as tall as all the others. He is now somewhere in the 25% but just a year ago he was only in the 10% and the year before that 2-5%. He will probably not be taller than 5'6" if that. On the reverse side there are the kids who are much taller than others their age and they deal with adults telling them to grow up and act their age - they might look like they are 9 but might only be 6-7. At DS's last preschool there was an AA boy who was at least four inches taller than his classmates and I cannot imagine that is cake walk either. When I was 11 I was a little on the short side, a classmate was four inches taller than me. Fast forward three years and I grew to 5'7" and she barely grew an inch and became one of the shortest in the class.

My son actually likes it sometimes, but that is probably the RAD. He is ten, and was born without legs so he will always be short, but he also doesn't eat much and is tiny. He wears size 4T pants mostly, but they have to have the adjustable waist so I can cinch them tight. He can also wear size 2-3 pants and his swimsuits are size 18mo and 2T, because if I put anything bigger on him it falls off in the water. His shirts are size 6. But in fourth grade that still puts him pretty tiny. He was happy to get up to a size four because that got him out of the baby department. He actually started eating for a while when I took him to the store with me and showed him I was buying his clothes in the baby department. However, then the RAD kicks in and he realizes he gets tons of attention if he acts like a precocious 4 year old. He is charming and cute and very verbal. He will beg people to carry him and climb out of his wheelchair so he looks smaller. Then he gets mad if his friends treat him like a baby, but he wants the adults to treat him that way. (unless it means not getting something he wants, then he will remind everyone he is ten) It does make it much harder for me to get people to treat him his age, and it allows him to get away with way too much.

I forgot to mention that we did arm J with some phrases to use with friends ie "I may be short but I am [something positive like "a great soccer player" "really good at math" etc]. Not sure if that actually helped......

There is no easy or quick fix. Joshua is 8 now. He did not hit the chart until he was 4 (the pediatrian and I jumped for joy!) The doctors wanted to put him on growth hormones. I refused. His sister is 2 years younger and when they were 3 and 1, I was always asked if they were twins. Part of the problem for Joshua was his trouble breathing (he was born 13 weeks premature and has severe asthma) and he had huge tonsils that caused him to have sleep apnea. His tonsils were removed when he was 3.5 and he began to grow. At 4, Joshua wore size 2T. At 7, Joshua was wearing size 5. Now, at age 8, he is wearing size 7 or 8. He is still one of the smallest and is teased for being a "midgit". But I have to buy clothes more often now and we focus on the fact that he is perfect, just the way God made him. And healthy food and lots of sleep help him to grow. I guess all I can say is give it time, small now doesn't mean always small, and focus on how perfect he is to you. Good luck.

I hear ya, Momraine. I have a son, half Southeast Asian, who is grown now. But when he was little, he was tiny. At age 12, he played football- he started the season at 56 lbs and dropped to 48lbs. Everyone always thought he was several years younger than he actually was. And they treated him that way. That's a bad thing. Even though he was actually older than many classmates, having been held back in kindergarten, he was always far shorter. And far more immature. In addition to his tiny stature, he also had some learning disabilities and attachment problems. He learned to really work that cuteness to his advantage with people. No one ever expected him to act his age until he got to high school, but by then the pattern was set. This has resulted in serious problems with him becoming a responsible and productive young man. If I could do it over again, I would STOMP out all the special treatment and attention his cuteness got him, because it did nothing but hurt his ability to grow up and make sound decisions. Cute, adorable kids get tons of positives for their cuteness, but cuteness doesn't help you learn to pay bills, hold down a job, and treat people properly. And cuteness fades. So do whatever you can possibly do to not let that be used to get away with less than age appropriate behavior and responsibility. Also, my son took growth hormones for years. It worked very well for him. He is considered short for a man, but he can at least shop in the men's department. And people do think he is his chronological age now. It was a good choice. But it's not something you can just tell a doctor you want and get. We went through three years of testing and ruling out other causes of small stature before he was able to get the growth hormones. Back then, it cost about $45,000/ year, so the insurance companies don't agree to cover it without documentation of need. We had to pay $120/month copay.

As the parent of a very tiny DD who also had a very tiny birthmom...I'm gonna throw this out to you... My DD has always been tiny...very low on the growth charts when she was even on them. She is now 9 and in 4th grade and looks more like a first grader...and she HATES it. We have always taught and talked positive about her 'uniqueness' as well. When she was 7 and started showing signs of puburty I started to worry as did her pediatrician. We decided to have her evaluated by a pediatric endocrinologist and to make a long story short...she's been a growth hormone for about 7 months. Her body needs this and it's about way more than height. Go to the Magic Foundation website for great info. Without medical help my DD was only going to be about 4'9"...with proper help...we are hoping for 5'. But like I said it's about much more than height...although she is thrilled to be at about the 3rd percentile right now. We find out tomorrow exactly how much she's grown but I know she's grown. If your kids are not growing at least two inches a year...there could possibly be a medical reason. Also growth hormone issues can be passed down through generations so just because a childs parents were very small does not mean a child will be. The parents could also have had growth issues. I know many people refuse to treat their children with growth hormone for some very misinformed and wrong reasons. We educated ourselves and realized that DD has a medical condition which needs treatment...again the Magic Foundation is a great source of knowledge. All the best.

I think the suggestions about focusing on behavioral development and responsibility (rather than size) are great. It doesn't negate the fact that he's small and you still have to deal with that part, but in the long run it will give him another, more meaningful way of defining his identity. If you think that in his mind short = weak, then the activity I do recommend is karate. It is an amazing activity for all children (girls and boys) as it builds so much in terms of maturity and self-discipline but it also has the advantage for a small boy of making him be strong/adept despite his short size. For a friend of ours whose son although not short was very skinny and targeted by bullies for that, karate was a life saver. Although not about this in specific, you might want to check out the book Real Boys by William Pollack. I think it's a great read for all parents of boys -- and might be more important for those with small boys as I think the "size" issues are really more about defining boyhood/manhood than about the size itself.

Yeah, I have worked really hard on the special treatment issues. We think that emotionally we have actually gone from about 4 to 5 or maybe even 6 in the last year. Considering he stayed at the 3-4 range for a few years before this is progress. The wheelchair actally adds to the special treatment issue. The funny thing is when he is in the chair the kids treat him normally, so is always insisting on getting out of the chair and scooting, which makes him two feet tall and so of course everyone treats him like a baby, which he loves. He occasionally complains, but he is the type of kid who loves attention of any kid. They won't consider growth hormones for him, because since he only has one arm to do things it's actually better for him to be small, and also because of the eating disorder. They won't consider it until he has been eating normally for a while because they think the not eating is causing his smallness. He is better, but not quite cured. He eats now, but only what we make him, and even at that he will balk if we make him eat much, or when he is tired or when he is having a bad day, then he eats nothing. I do think that with boys size is a much bigger issue, than with girls. Size matters in how boys treat each other. Though I do agree with the martial arts suggestion. My friends son is in it and it's done wonders for his confidence level.

Our son will be 4 in January and is best fit with 2T shirts and is just moving into 3T pants since 2T are a touch short in the legs. He's usually just at or below the 10th percentile.His cousin (girl) is only 2 months older than him and is already in 6 clothes and is taller than my 5.5 year old DD who is right on the 50th percentile.In some ways his size is helpful for us since he tends to have a lot of temper tantrums and people assume he's 2-3 so they don't give us as much grief. On the other hand we look like real jerks for expecting so much from a seemingly very young child. And when he talks he's very articulate and tends to surprise people.On the other hand, my SIL has the exact opposite problem in that her daughter (the 4 year old niece in size 6 clothes taller than my 5.5 year old) is a little behind in her speech and is prone to typical 4 year old behaviors and gets a lot of flack for it since everyone assumes she's 5 or 6 and "should know better".I do agree that it's harder to be tiny as a boy than a girl. DH is only 5'6" and endured a lot of hassle for being "short". DS's birthmother was only 4'9" so he's not working with a lot of potential on her side but we're hoping better nutrition and such will give him a boost. So far the doesn't get a lot of teasing or anything although he does get annoyed when his cousin tries to pick him up and carry him around! We talk a LOT about his age--usually in reference to how he's NOT as old as his sister even though he thinks he can do everything she can--and how many/what privileges and responsibilities he has because of his behaviors and choices so hopefully we're instilling those ideas as being what make him a big kid or a baby rather than just his physical size.

My son is 4 1/2 and we are proudly now wearing 3t pants (they are big around the waist,but he has long legs). He is 32 lbs and also one of the shortest kids in his class at pre school. He has steadily, but slowly grown over the years. He doesn't seem to mind too much right now being shorter than others,except there are a few girls who like to carry him around because he's so cute. I told him some day he would appreciate that-LOL. I try not to say stuff about his size, like "when you get bigger, you can ..." more like "when you are older..." and am working my darndest to build his self esteem now(for many many reasons of course) I too hear the comments all the time "he's so tiny!" Previously he hasnt said much to it, but I notice right now he is listening alot to what I say, and people say. I try to respond "he's a big boy of 4...." or "he's just perfect..." I myself am only 5'2" so when he's with me, he looks pretty proportionate.

I will say that in our case, it's complicated by the fact that my kids are 3 months apart, and people are always "guessing" that the tallest is the oldest. It does get kinda old, but I don't see it stopping anytime soon. I think we must be doing something right, because Miss Petite is getting more focused on what she can "do." Today she commented on how she is looking out for another girl in her class because she's younger. She is patient with this younger girl's hitting her because she's older and more mature. Later Miss Petite was excited to report that she can now fasten her carseat harness by herself. "You don't have to do it for me any more!" So she's understanding that growing up isn't all about size.

Hi, I'm glad you posted this. My son is turning 4 soon and is very small for his age. I have a bio daughter who is a year younger who is bigger than he is, so I am constantly asked if they are twins or who is older. The twin comment is kind of funny as my daughter is blonde/very fair/blue eyes. Anyway, I have been concerned with my son's size and rate of growth. He is just beginning to notice it and remarked the other day "all the kids are bigger than me", in reference to his peers at school. I do think the issue is different for boys/men in our society as they grow older vs. girls/women. I am hoping to give him the tools to be happy with himself and to build his self esteem. Not sure how to do this best, but it's something my husband and I have started discussing more. So, glad you posted, you aren't alone.