Torn about Mixed Race Adoption

Ditto (only I'm an AA pre-adoptive parent)!

I don't look like either of my parents either - in terms of coloring or physical build. I have an African American son who is transracially adopted. There is no comparison between those two things. None.I think the points a lot of people are making are important. Of course it matters if you can love a child of any race. Of course it matters if you feel strong enough to deal with the looks and the comments. (And I completely agree with Fran and Supa that if you don't, that's a perfectly legitimate concern and does not make you a bad person.)What is left out of that reasoning is the fact that we are not only choosing this for ourselves. We are choosing it for our children. How strong are we asking them to be? What will they be missing? If we raise children of color in a predominantly white environment, we are asking them to stand out as the only one (or one of a very few) every single day, everywhere they go. At school. At the playground. At church. At the store. Every. Single. Day. That will not be OUR experience. It will be THEIR experience. So how strong I am as the parent may not be the most important point. Whether or not race matters to ME may not be the most important point. (And it always raises a red flag for me when a TRA parent says that "race doesn't matter" to them. It should matter.)I think that the questions Saya brought up are good ones. The points Rebecca mentions about how things change as our kids get older are important, too. My son's experiences as a cute 2-year-old are very different from the ones he will have as a 16-year-old or a 20-year-old. Who will help him navigate those issues? When people start to follow him in stores or pull him over when he's done nothing wrong, who will he vent to, and ask advice of, without peers or other Black men to talk to? How will he learn to be a proud Black man with no one to show him the way? No matter how strong I am, and no matter how much I love my son (and I love him more than life) I can't be a Black role model for him. He needs a community. Your Hispanic child will need one, too. I would only adopt this child if you are willing, like Wishingndreaming, to do whatever it takes - including moving - to make sure he/she has that.

I am not just saying this. I am awed by the response I have gotten and how much everyone on here really cares enough to give thoughtful, meaningful replies. Each one of you has given me something to think about. We have not made a definite decision, but I now have so much more knowledge to use to make it. I truly cannot thank you enough.

I totally agree! To the OP, it's really hard to turn down a situation when you are dying to have a baby in your arms but it sounds like you had already thought it out and came to a decision. Good luck!

Rebecca & Oak, you guys made some unbelievably powerful points, so well said. :) I just sent my DH the link to read this thread. Powerful stuff. :loveyou:

Beaiutiful points from everyone - and I so apperciate it! My point is that unless you meet BOTH biological parents and have a DNA test of the father - you never REALLY know the racial back groundof the child you adopt and everyone of us adoptive families needs to be prepared to be a transracial family. The time to search your soul about loving and raising a child outside of your own race is not when presented with a potential matching situation- its wayto easy to say YES ( not saying that the OP is doing that at all). But each AP needs to ask themselves if my child is bi-racial would I love and cater to all parts of that child - even if it meant doing things that might be outside my personal "box" like moving or driving or a new church ect....

Great point, HeidiK, about meeting the bio dad. If you don't meet him you won't know his race or ethnicity.

Here are the words of a transracial adoptee. Wise words. BTW, he is also an adoptive parent. [url=http://johnraible.wordpress.com/]John Raible Online[/url]

....On the other hand, our daughter is Chinese, and we are caucasian. She is proud of her Chinese heritage. Granted, we cannot give her everything she would have in the Chinese culture if we were also Chinese American, or if she was still living and being raised in China. But, there has never been any confusion or question that she was adopted. So, in some ways, it's got it's advantages, and can take on a healthy attitude when the child is adopted and looks different than the parents. PS, I have a bio son, who is now 27 yrs old. I have dark brown hair, olive complexion, and green eyes. My son is sandy blonde, fairer complexion, and sky blue eyed. To be honest, I look more like my adopted daughter than my bio son because of our facial structures. So, "looking the same" can also be a matter of perspective.If you are set on a CC baby, then choose that path. If you find yourself drawn toward this baby, then choose that path. If you are concerned about not having a cultural connection, keep in mind that no matter how "white" your community is, you would probably find things to do within driving distance that would connect to the child's heritage. And if nothing else, if that is absolutely impossible, you could always incorporate the child's heritage into your own family traditions. We're fortunate because we live in a community that has a lot of Chinese Americans within it. We have friends who are first and second generation Chinese American, and they have opened their doors and arms to us. We didn't know any Chinese people before our adoption, but possibly, because we were more aware of Chinese culture, we ended up with quite a few friends and acquaintances who are Chinese that we otherwise would not have even considered, after we adopted our daughter. We've spent time researching on the internet about the culture, and celebrations and what they mean to her heritage. And we've asked our Chinese friends about their traditions. And we have added aspects of much of what we have learned into our own family traditions. We were set on a girl toddler (not a baby) from China when we decided to adopt. And that was what our minds were set on, and as luck would have it, our daughter was 16 months old when we adopted her from China. We didn't even consider any other options than IA from China. We've been in positions with people periodically, who I could tell were disappointed that we chose International adoption, as if they assumed we thought domestic adoption or foster care should have been our first or only option. I've been approached more than once, by insensitive people who have asked straight up WHY we did not adopt from foster, domestically, and on one occasion, I was lectured about children in the U.S. who need parents, as if one child is more worthy to have parents than another. I took it personally, because by then, she was talking down about MY daughter. And now that we have chosen to adopt again, we were drawn toward China because our first daughter is Chinese, and I have to admit, I feel pressure at times, within the IA China adoption community, that we are not "open" enough to SN from China for our second child. But this is our family path....And not theirs. Every family is formed according to what fits. Once you adopt, it is for life, forever. You need only to answer to yourself and your family when it's all said and done. Follow your heart, and your intuition.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to give everyone who helped us a followup. After a large amount of reading all your responses and other sources, an even larger amount of talking to our attorney, our loved ones, and each other, we have decided to walk away from this situation. We really feel that while we would love to know we have been matched and believe our baby is on his way to us, we don't believe it is the best choice for him. Also, we now know our attorney is working with a Spanish-speaking couple, 1/2 of which is Brazilian, who will be very interested in this little man. I hope the situation works out for them and that everyone ends up happy. Once again, thank you all of you for your help. It seriously couldn't have been more useful.

What a brave move wannabemom! You made the decision that is right for your family, the baby, and this other family. Your baby is coming!

Wishingndreaming, Thank you so much for the praise. It is extremely appreciated. :thanks:

You made the right decision for you and your family! Congrats!!

I agree you made the right decision. You'll *know* when your baby comes to you, I promise. :)

I applaud you for thinking through all of these issues in a manner that is inclusive of all the parties involved!! I can't imagine how hard it must have been to walk away, but know that you did so with a thoughtful heart and mind. I know that this doesn't help, but know that your baby is out there and when you meet him/her your decision will be reconfirmed 1,000 times over!!