Advertisements
Advertisements
For those that don't know - OA - open adoption CE - closed era adoption..
It's got to be two years ago now that I first became offended and also worried after reading posts from aparents; posts containing phrases such as, "I only want to hear from birth moms in Open Adoption" or "No responses from birth moms from the Baby Scoop Era please" and most insulting of all, "Please, only birth moms from OA reply because birth moms from the Closed Era don't understand how adoption is today."
Now from an ego standpoint, I was offended by these remarks because it seemed as if my experience with adoption was being discounted. I was not in OA and therefore couldn't understand. Well, I took some time and worked through my indignation. I talked with relinquishing moms in OA to try and understand the subtleties between OA and the Closed Era. I also spoke with the one adoptive parent I came to know about what was/is like to live OA from her side of things. I learned some interesting lessons in all of that.
But the worry? It never left me because I suspected that this new mantra of "don't listen to women from the CE because things have changed for the better in adoption" was going to work very well in favor of adoption agencies; just as well as "forget and go on" worked 30 years ago. I feared that this continuing insistence on either correction of or dismissal of relinquishing moms from the CE would begin to turn young expectant moms against us. I feared it would also turn young moms in OA against us as they began to believe what they were hearing. I feared that emoms and relinquishing moms in OA would begin to take our experiences with a grain of salt because "things have changed for the better in adoption".
I also feared that this brilliant form of propaganda (and make no mistake - that's what it is) would be embraced like a winning mega-lottery ticket by adoptive parents. And who could blame them really? I mean, what prospective adoptive parent wants a bunch of women from the CE who've seen what agencies are capable of and who are perfectly willing to share that heartbreak with emoms.....who wants those *****es scaring away pregnant women who are considering adoption?
Not I said Agent Orange!!!
And just as importantly who wants those birth moms from the CE talking to relinquishing moms in OA and causing them to be angry about the institution of adoption? Who wants those young women to think? To see the similarties between OA and the CE?
Hell! That doesn't serve the purposes of some aparents and it CERTAINLY doesn't serve adoption agencies. They especially want women of the CE to do what their agency predecessors demanded of us; that we shut the hell up and disappear beneath the floorboards where our kind belong.
Yes. There are differences in the politics of OA. God yes! And those differences must be incredibly difficult for relinquishing moms to traverse. Very few, if any, relinquishing moms from the CE would argue that point. Still, the similarities of loss, grief, pain, doubt, fear, confusion, heartache, regret, negotiating with adoptive parents (re. reunion for us)..........they're there. And let's face it, you can put Coca Cola in any bottle you wish; make it diet, cherry or lime. It's still Coca Cola.
Then too, think about this. How many times did you hear some adoptive parent saying that was then and this is now. A few of them even throwing in the old "I don't want to hear from women in the CE"
And they were saying this with confidence; some of them with reverence. I thought too myself, "They really need to believe this."
My worst fears have come true. The new line has been embraced with fervor.
With a unified voice, relinquishing parents from both eras need to ask ourselves two highly important questions and we need to insist on answers as well:
#1. Why do adoptive parents need to believe that women from the CE have no right to comment on adoption today?
#2. Why did agencies start this new propaganda of divide and conquer? Why do they insist on telling emoms that things are different today? Tell that to the birth mom who was promised an oa and had the door slammed in her face.
On that last one, if anyone thinks that agencies are doing this because they have the needs of emoms at heart.......well I've got some snake oil I'd like to sell. It soothes all doubts; facilitates all legal channels and shaves 30 years off the truth.
Like
Share
I agree. I have lived through a semi-open that was opened by the APs. I have nothing but love and respect for my daughter's parents. BUT so many of the issues etc that I deal with in my relationship with my now adult daughter are shockingly similar to those I read about in reunion. It has been the first mothers and adult adoptees from the closed era who have helped me deal with and understand many of these issues.
OA is not an adoption band-aid. It's cocacola in a different bottle. If any emoms read this thread - my only advise is to parent your baby. I am sure there are a few first mothers out there that have great relationships with their adult relinquished OA children but I don't know any of them.
Like
Share
Advertisements
It's all about dollars and cents. Agencies want to project an image of "a new way of adoption" so they have Aps and Emoms believe things are so much better. They want to keep those Bmom in the BSA stiffled. Afterall what Emom wants to hear of what a Bmom from the CE has to say. The agency make them believ they have so much more of a choice with OA or prebirth matches.
Face it, we have read here of recent Bmoms having the same pain as Bmoms of days gone by.
Bmoms from the CE are a threats to the industry. No matter how you spin it, the pain of relinquishing a baby is all the same and it will still be 100 yrs from now.
EZ
Like
Share
I definately can see the similarities between the reunion I am having with my son, and OA. Granted, he's an adult, and should be able to make decisions about how the reunion proceeds...but it's not always the case.
Also, no matter WHAT the circumstances, losing a child to adoption is painful. (and I'm not interested in starting any arguments over whose pain is more, this statement is not to take away from anyone else's pain).
Like
Share
No matter how you spin it, the pain of relinquishing a baby is all the same and it will still be 100 yrs from now.
This is the crux of the matter (and Quantum also hit on this). I had a semi-open where I got pictures and letters through the agency. It wasn't even something that was promised me, it just sort of evolved that way because I requested updates and my son's parents were willing to send them. For me, this set up WAS better than having something totally closed, however, that never took away the pain and loss of surrendering a child to adoption. If it was presented to me as a "win-win" that would be sorely misleading at best. What a lot of people want to believe, is that OA or Semi OA means progress, and while I think yes, we've come a long way from where things were, the piece of the equation that is being left out is it is still a loss that cannot be magically taken away by contact, visits or pictures and leters. The loss is there regardless.
I do think people don't want to hear about the experiences of the women from the CE because, like many other groups who have been disenfranchised, people don't want to hear about the historical wrongs that were done. "Oh, but it's SO MUCH BETTER NOW!" It can assuage guilt to think that way, because "my birthmom didn't suffer and she's OK with her decision and she gets to see our child and everything is just as it should be!" Look, I firmly believe my decision was the right one. That hasn't taken the grief and loss away. People don't like to hear about that part of it. They will immediately go to the "oh, but you did the right thing and your son had a good life." I cannot recall anyone ever saying to me "I'm so sorry for your loss."
I also think when women who had semi or fully OAs talk about the losses and commonalities with the women from the CE, there is a tendency to dismiss or stifle that. I read The Girls Who Went Away and while I was not of that era, and did not have to go to a maternity home, and was not shamed as much by society, and wasn't made to feel horrible for being pregnant in the first place, SO MUCH of what the women discussed in terms of their personal pain rang true with me. People inside and outside the industry typically don't want to look at that. We as a society are not good with loss or pain. It's more the "STFU and move on so I can feel good and not have to think about my role in this or my lack of support or my not understanding or my inability to empathise" attitude. I got that from my mom, when 2weeks post partum, and grieving terribly, she said "I thought you'd be over this by now." I can't imagine a greater kick in the gut. But I got letters and pictures, so see, it's all good!
Like
Share
JustPeachy
Look, I firmly believe my decision was the right one. That hasn't taken the grief and loss away. People don't like to hear about that part of it. They will immediately go to the "oh, but you did the right thing and your son had a good life." I cannot recall anyone ever saying to me "I'm so sorry for your loss."
I totally agree. It seems people overlook the fact that we spent nine months with theses children, feeling them grow, kick, roll over, hiccup, etc. All that time developing the love that mothers develop for their unborn children irregardless of whether or not they raise them. Seems to me that part of motherhood doesn't change just because we now have OA.
A few months ago, I had to talk to my bson's bdad. First thing he said to me was "You know we did the right thing, right?" He wasn't really around for the pregnancy (my choice) or the decision, but you'd think he would say, "I'm sorry you had to go through that" or "How have you coped with it all these years" Something that hinted at the fact that this was a huge loss for me, even though I did what I thought was best for our son. That decision, by the way, was made because I loved my son.
Like I've told people before, just because you relinquish a child doesn't mean you give the feelings you have toward that child away with him. Sadly, child goes, feelings stay.
Like
Share
Advertisements
I'm an aparent and I do want to hear from closed era birth parents because I'm living in a country that is still in the closed era. That is one thing to remember. As far as I know open adoption isn't even the majority of cases in the US now, or is it? I don't know that the CE is over.
All I ask is for a discussion that isn't based on stereotypes. I won't assume a birth mother posting on this site is destitute or was 15 when she gave birth - some of the often untrue stereotypes. All I ask is please don't assume I don't care about birth parents or that I am coercive or selfish or wealthy. I am none of these things. I adopted a child that was waiting in an orphanage, even if she was only 3 months old. I don't know if the system treated my child's birth mother fairly. It is statistically probable that she wasn't treated compassionately or fairly and that makes me furious and sad. I had no control over it and by the time I met our child, she had no hope of getting the child back from the system. This was a woman who repeatedly and after a six-week reconsideration period signed adoption agreement papers before we were in the picture. (I would like to note that I was told that she promptly returned after the six weeks to sign papers again, thus sparing the baby from sitting in the orphanage for the usual nine-month abandonment-court-hearing period.)
Today is my daughter's birthmother's birthday and we lit a candle for her in the window. Her birthdate is one of the few things we know about her. We don't even know that about her birthfather.
Like
Share
grumblersridge - i'll be happy to talk to you when i've recovered from shoulder surgery i had yesterday.. until then - Jill
Like
Share
I'm actually reading this as someone who will (hopefully) be coming from the other side of the fence. I feel as you do often when I read things on infant adoption and think "these don't apply to me" as my nephew is with me because of drug use, mental illness, etc and not a conscious decision that parenting was not the best option.
But as someone who has wondered if the sweet little boy who loves me will hate me at 14, I think the insights into how terrified you feel when you consider your child not truly claiming you as a parent or loving you, I can relate to why these parents would like to believe it. Who wants to feel how insecure, afraid, and threatened acknowledging that hurt can make one feel? Who wants to feel their family stems from pain?
I have a hard time accepting that loss is at the heart of adoption- who would want that for their child? But there is loss that has to be dealt with on all sides- because no one in the triad gets the whole enchilada. I now believe that by giving my nephew coping skills that he might not have had otherwise and helping him to know his biomom in the most positive way possible, I will be able to ultimately create a life that is as good as any he could have otherwise had. Doesn't mean I don't piss my pants when I hear the phone ring KWIM?:rolleyes:
Like
Share