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On the lines of Mommyto Eli.....but worse, I suppose. The adoption of our older children (all three failed in some way)......was, (I hate to admit) one of the most misjudeged mistakes of my life. My dh and I talk about this from time to time. He doesn't feel as strongly as I do, but I still feel this overall.
I majored in psychology. I also had my associates in elementary ed/special ed. I was teaching behaviorally disordered kids (K-12) and THOUGHT I'd seen it all; knew so much of what to expect. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I thought things would be 'this way'...and they really were 'that way'. But why wouldn't I think otherwise?
I honestly never thought having kids with such disorders would totally tear up the relationships we had with our other children (pre-teen when they came.....adopted as babies). I never realized how horrible life could be;...even if there were times when we felt we were making a difference with them. I literally prayed one day for God to put it all back like it was! And if that means I'm a horrible parent, so be it. I couldn't take the RAD---severe RAD.....when the DCF had lied to us about the severity of the child's mental illnesses and behaviors. (And we have the tons of paperwork that was withheld from us that truly WOULD Have made a difference in whether we brought the child home or not.)
I never realized how lonely and isolated parenting a child with such disregard to anyone/everything could be. Never realized how people would judge us, thinking child behaviors surely MUST be because we weren't loving the child enough.
Sadly, I have to say there is no amount of money that would convince us to adopt an older child again. A billion a month wouldn't even do it. That said, I DO know there are successful older child adoptions. I"ve read it; I know people who've done it.
But I also know from talking to others, hearing from others, reading from others...that the adoption of older children IS NOT like adopting an infant. It more often than not requires that the parents take on a different role of parenting. It sometimes means the child will never truly be a part of the family in the sense the adoptive parents have truly hoped for...but that their role will be one of supervision, counseling and just a help whenever the child is truly in trouble.
So sad, but true so much of the time.....
Most Sincerely,
Linny