Questions for moms who opted for adoption

Don't promise more than you are comfortable with. HOWEVER presenting a contract for contact seems cold and businesslike. Here we are, ready to take your baby and this is what you get. Kind of like a service agreement for a car. Contact is something that you need to sit down and discuss with the expectant parents, or parents in a baby born situation. Both parties will have expectations and you won't meet some of their and they won't meet some of yours. There are things that my Kiddo's mom would like for me to do that I just won't. Remember that first parents do I have a right to refuse requests that you make as parents and do have a right to set boundaries too. Contact, in a perfect open adoption, should be cooperative and for the benefit of the child. Sure, contact benefits me as a first mom, but really, I don't do it for me, I do it for Kiddo. As far as in the beginning stages, you can't predict how an emom will fill once she becomes a first mom and you can't predict how you will feel as parents. You also won't know about any medical issues and what not that may come into play for both mom and the baby once the baby is born. I saw my Kiddo at 3 months and again at 6 months on the day that I signed TPR. I would say that being consistant in whatever you decide is far more important than frequency.

Thank you for the feedback. Personally I don't really like the word contract either, but I used it only because I've heard the term used before. Whatever it is called I just want the mother that chooses us to know that we are dedicated to fulfilling our word to her. Maybe one's word is enough:)

In the real world contact agreements or one's word isn't always enough. I had both from my Kiddo's parents and our OA has still gone through some really rocky times. Long periods when neither of us was fulfilling the agreement. Now we are working on it and trying to get back on track after a year and a half long mediation. Good luck, OA's are as constantly evolving as any relationship.

Hi. I am an A-mom in a very open relationship with my son's b-mom. I think the most important thing you can do is to meet with the potential b-parents as much as you can prior to the placement and get to know each others and figure out what page everyone is on as far as contact and also build a trust. Most states don't enforce open adoption so I think a potential b-parent needs to be able to trust you and get a sense of the people you are and WHY you want an open adoption. Being "open" to a relationship is VERY different from *wanting* one. As far as a "contract".....our agency does an "adoption convenant." It's something that both the b-parents and a-parents agree and sign as far as the "minimal" contact. It's not enforceable by law but rather is a moral and ethical agreement both sets of parents are making for the child. When we first met our son's bmom we were very honest with her and told her the reasons we wanted an open adoption and also told her that the reality is that the relationship is going to be fluid and elvove. We may all agree to x amount of visits per year but that might change because she wants to see him more sometimes or there is something special that comes up and we'd like to invite her or she wants us to attend..and we also realize that maybe she will want less contact at some point. And when our son is older things may change based on what he wants too. We said that the bottom line is that we hope we can have a relationship where there is just a lot of trust and we're all doing what is best for the chid. It's been a year since we met her and I love her like a sister and our relationship is really great. To give you an idea about contact-- we "agreed" to 4 visits per year for the 1st year, and 3 the 2nd year and beyond. We saw her about a dozen times in the first 2 months. Then she had wanted to wait 6 months before the next visit, so we did that. We just had our last visit before Christmas and the plan was to wait another 6 months or even a year (her request) but her family is throwing her a party this weekend and she asked us to go to that, which we're really excited about. From there we may wait another 6 months or year so it's not going to be 3 visits in the 2nd year like we "agreed" to. It ebb and flows and I think that's a good thing. She knows if she wants to see him more we're up for it, and she also knows that if she needs space we're not judging her. We also told her that right now we realize the visits are for her and we're willing to let her make all of the decisions, but down the road we'll need to let our son steer the boat a little more. He may want more visits some times and less others. Right now she's the one who initiates the contact based on how she's feeling but as he gets older we/he will probbaly initiate more-- he might want to invite her to things, or may need some space too (like she needs now.) Lastly the MOST important thing I'd tell you is don't ever promise something you can't fulfill. It's not fair to the b-parents or your future child.

We've been in a fully open, but ever evolving open relationship with DD's other family for almost seven years. No contract, only our continued work of keeping our word in spite of all sorts of hard things that have happened, including periods of time where there really wasn't mutual contact... that work has built trust to the point where it feels, at least with DD's first mom (she has a sister in another adoptive home whose amom has basically cut off contact after 18 months because it's just too hard...go figure), like what an open family type relationship is supposed to feel like. REgarding the first year, IMO that time is pivotal in building a strong foundation which each other towards a real open relationship. It's the time when you bond not only with your child, but with her/his other family as well. When they are grieving to me, is the time to be available, if they want you there, and in appropriate ways. It's the time where you can really see the other's situation. That's JMO though. You will get dozens of other very different answers as each person knows what they can manage. The first year we made the commitment to send a letter and pictures at least once a month. And to see them at least four times. The letters were sent, the contact happened only once in person because of their situation, not ours. We have learned that face to face contact comes when we can get it. Because of a tragedy in the family this last year, we have seen DD's other mom, and sisters and niece (and their various families) nearly once a month, with frequent phone calls in the between. I admit that it has been alot, and stressful, but needed to happen to support them through all that has been going on. So I guess we can say it is very fluid right now, but we're hopeful that this tragedy might be a catalyst for a more permanent type bonding and trust to happen. DS's situation is much different, as his first mom (not us) has cut contact down to one time a year, and then only a letter and pictures from us, nothing from her. So it does go that way too, where the first family says 'no' to contact and you have to be prepared for that. And even recently we received a note that she had moved and she left us no forwarding info. Sad. But we have contact with DS's brother through social services so we're hoping they can be a link too. I guess all that to say that in the end, it's a relationship and no contract can make a relationship any more a reality. It can be a good start esp if you have two parties willing to commit. As a side note, DD's sister is adopted and they have a "contract" with her first mom (DD's first mom too) and they have already broken the contract, within the first two years of it. So hey, the contract is only as good as the each partie's willingness to do their part.

I think an agreement can be a good base, but expect it to change. Whether because of issues of grief, or issues in people's lives, sometimes contact makes sense to do more than agreed and sometimes it just won't happen as much as agreed. I think the hard thing with a contract is when it's held up as law - like "we only agreed to two visits a year, now you're asking for a third?" Or "You didn't make a visit last year so now we're cutting off contact". As far as OA, it's a lot of work from everyone involved. We're all doing it for our kids though, which is the most important thing to remember. So if you just keep communication open about how you feel, then I think you can make it to the other side of most issues with the relationship still intact. I think for me having a couple who was able to let the relationship evolve as all our lives changed was important to me, more important than an agreement to a certain number of updates or visits per year.

I never mourned my daughter. I couldn't. I constantly thought of her. It helped me in such a way i could never explain when they set up a website for me to get pictures. For 2 months i literally paced the floors wondering what was going on with my daughter. Yes, i apologize, she is no longer my daughter technically but in my mind and heart she will always be mine.Then i got an email, THE WEBSITE IS UP! I cried so hard that night i will never forget it. It wasn't as much a sad cry as it was a relieved cry. Then every month i got pictures. Every doctor visit i got emails. I would have never been able to handle it any other way.We never signed a "contract". I guess our word is our bond. My daughter turned 2 yesterday and they have still kept up with their end. For her first birthday i had asked if i could come and see her. they said no... That was tough.I think you just need to go through all the lines. Visits, pictures, updates. So on and so forth.My aunt/mom ( i was adopted) gave her daughter for adoption ( it was the 70's) and she suggested i not have any contact. She said it was easier for her. But she is 54 years old and still cries for 2 weeks around the time of her birthday.I look forward to pictures and updates. They just recently added me on Facebook, so i get constant updates. But..... and this is big!!! I don't cross the line. I don't call her my daughter to them. They are mommy and daddy. I don't ask for phone calls or their number. they have mine. I send emails but i never ask anything of them. You have to make sure and draw lines.But please remember (for me) the pictures probably saved my life!<3 Good luck in the future hun! I will pray for you!

I think a contract is a must. In my experience, I did an independent adoption. I was orally promised everything from the Adoptive parents. I was young and stupid and I believed them, hook, line, and sinker. They said they would keep in touch with me with photo's and letters through the attorneys. They lied. I told them from the start of our contact which was at the end of November 1985 up until I met them at the hospital when they came to take him, that I could NOT go through with the adoption unless they agreed to that. I could not live day to day not knowing if he was alive or dead. I couldn't. That is why I went the route of Independent adoption. I was advised badly by attorneys they paid to represent me, and had I known then what I know now, things would be different. If the birth mother is young, she does not know the cruelty of the world. Make her feel better by giving her the contract.

MyCatharsis, I was told during my placing that even if a contract had been made up it wouldn't have stood in a court of law. How could it?? I was fortunate enough to choose amazing AParents but im still a little upset at the agency they went through. See, i chose by the couple not the agency. They were the ones going through an agency. The agency's attorney's secretary is the one that told me that a contract wouldn't do any good. Please email me back with a response, now im a little curious and alot upset!

tmdentler, Some states (such as the one i adopted from) consider OAs to be legally binding

All I have been told for 25 years is that "It is not enforcable unless it is in your contract". The only thing that can be held accountable is a legally binding contract that is signed by both parties. Why in the world would someone tell you otherwise? It's simply not true.

Adoptive Parent here... I live in one of the few states where open adoption is legally enforceable. In order to finalize the adoption we had to have a signed agreement (signed by us and B parents) describing the nature and frequency of future contact. Our attorney told us to focus on the "minimums" that is you can have more contact but what you want in the agreement is the "minimum". We also included language about where the visits would occur and who pays for travel (so that there is no confusion or hard feelings in the future). The agreement also provided provisions in the event that our son does not want contact (when he is older). Really a written OA agreement is great because it not only protects the birth parents (if legally enforceable) but the adoptive parent too. It can prevent miscommunications and mislead expectations. But make sure that the provides room to grow. We certainly welcome more contact than was described in our agreement but sadly that is not what has happened.

They are around 24 states that recognize enforceable post adoption contracts. I don't really think that is a few, it's almost half and was much fewer when I began to foster 6 years ago.

It's been a while since I updated but we have had our little girl home with us for almost 3 months. Her first mom is a beautiful, strong, and kind woman. She reminds me of me at her age in some ways. I absolutely love hearing from her and learning about her life. I cannot wait for my dd to learn and meet her fm. I'm almost as proud of dd's fm as if she was my own:) Our meeting feels just right. I think she feels the same. I think our openness makes her feel more confident in her choice. I think she also knows that we don't have rules so if she needs space she can have it but pick up the phone in a few months or a year and we can pick up where we left off. I just hope she doesn't think I'm a weirdo for caring about her welfare:)

We were presented with three options when getting the paperwork ready for my twins. We chose option two. where we would allow letters & pictures from the birth mom & dad sent through the agency. it was up to us if we decided to send pictures & letters back. As much as most of my family & friends say cut the ties....my heart said no...the birth mom & dad might want to write them...and then when my babies asked me about their birth families i would have pictures & letters that they sent in to them.....if the birth family sent any. I spoke to a family therapist and she also reccomended this situation rather than the contract where i am bound by law - i'm in calif - to write & send pictures. This way when i was ready to deal with the babies birth family - i could. HOwever i've had them since they were 9 mos old...and theyv'e never spent any time with their birth family. So i'm not sure how/what will happen in the future.