Should I have said it differently? (long)

A little background... We have an open adoption after fostering our 6yo son whom we've had since infancy. His bp's try but they have mental health issues. We consider them extended family. Last fall, bm had a child which she is going to try and raise. Out of the blue, my son asked me why momma(name) is keeping Audrey but didn't keep him:eek: Okay, so we talked about that. The issue.... His bm calls me shortly after having the baby. She inquires about how he feels about the new baby. I answered honestly and she got upset. "Why did you tell me that? Now I feel bad." I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The tone and way she phrased the question made me believe she was mature enough for a honest answer. Did she really think a 6yo boy would be elated about a women he hardly knows having a baby he has never met? On the other hand, since I usually only report the good news perhaps I should have been more vague. Our son has blessed our live immeasurably and I will be forever grateful to her for that. I just feel like a phony passing ourselves off as if we live in a utopia where he always behaves, is a genius and a pillar of the community. Has anyone else ever had to deal with this?

I probably wouldn't have said it. I would have told her very vaguely what happened. Knowing the sensitivity for guilt and pain that bparents have, I would have said something like, "He was excited for you! And it brought up questions he had about his own birth and adoption story. We had a great discussion. When will you send pictures?"

I think that realistically (given that I have a big mouth and usually overestimate people's capacity to tolerate openness) I would have said the same thing and then felt confused and guilty about it afterwards, just like you. Hindsight is great though. So, in hindsight, I suppose it might be better in that sort of situation not to say it outright. I wouldn't personally lie. I wouldn't say that "he's excited" when he isn't. I might say, "He's really interested and curious. He started thinking about how you gave birth to him too and it has helped us have some good discussions about that, so he is getting to understand the whole situation more and more." That puts a positive spin on the truth. But that's like in my fantasy world where I always know what to say at the moment when I need to say it. :)

It's not going to be a very good relationship imo, if you can't be honest with her. Reporting only the good things isn't necessarily going to help her have a relationship with him in the long run.She asked, which tells me she's likely wondering how it'll affect him and she is going to have to deal with her side of things. You are not responsible for her feelings and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Your son is your priority, as well as his feelings so keep your focus on that aspect.She'll have to put on her big girl panties and be the bigger person. He's 6...she's not.

I think you did the right thing. Sooner or later she will have to face the reality that although your son is doing his best considering the circumstances, not all is rosy. His feelings and questions are VALID. If you delivered the message with kindness and compassion is what counts.

I would have said the same thing...What's the point of being open if you have to lie? Also why ask a question you don't want an answer too!

You did the right thing. I wouldn't set my son up to have to pretend to feel a particular way if he didn't. His bmom is an adult and I am sure you presented the information to inform not to hurt. Adoption can be hard. Its ain't all rainbows and unicorns. :)

You've got a two part problem here. You are dealing with first parents with some sort of mental health problems. So clearly she doesn't realize that when you ask a hard question sometimes you will get a hard truth. I think it would be wrong to lie to First Mom. This perhaps was a lesson to her to not ask questions she truly doesn't want the answer to. Of course he's going to have feelings on the issue. I would have tried to dodge it. It's hard. I think you did the right thing but it stinks to hurt people who've faced such loss.

B.Mom needs to grow up. I'm not sorry. I'm adopted and if b.mom didn't have an answer to that question then she should not have gotten pregnant again. That's the first NATURAL question he would have. You did the correct thing here. That little boy is going to grow up with about 20 times fewer problems because he has you. Keep it up. Hopefully, b.mom will get on board soon or one day she is going to have one heck of an angry adult to answer to.