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Suzeb1
I've worked with lots of pre teens and teens, and part of what I've seen help is breaking the dynamic that has been going on. So, with your example, what might have happened if when he said "it's 6:28" you would have smiled, given him a grin and said "so it is, my detail oriented son!" and then just gone about whatever it was you were doing. Kids can't argue if there's no one who will argue back. They will try, and they won't give up quickly, but arguing always has at least two players. Trust me, I say that and believe it, and, yes, I still find myself at times arguing with my 14 year old niece...how do I get sucked in? :)
Right now, it sounds like your son has a lot of power just by being argumentative. Every time he can engage an adult in "yes it is, no it isn't" he has a kind of connection with you, as well as the power to impact how you feel. I don't want to imply that it's on purpose, or conscious, but it's probably pretty reinforcing.
Anytime he's just snotty when responding you can ignore, use humor, or agree (if he's right...why not...can't argue with someone who agrees you are right,)
If he's actually overtly disrespectul by shouting orders at you or using language, then, very gently and without anger you might try saying "kiddo, I don't let people talk to me that way" and moving away. At first it might exacerbate his behavior as he tries to engage with you in the way he's been most comfortable. You might choose to do something to connect with him in a positive way like go throw a football for 15 minutes, then when you have connected positively with him and everyone's relaxed you can say something like "I think you were trying to tell me something, but it was in a way that wasn't okay with me. I'd like to hear it" A lot of what's behind kids arguing is that they lack the abilty to do it "right," they are impulsive, they feel emotion intensely and haven't learned how to channel it, and it's a way to connect...not a positive way, but a way. Replacing negative connecting with positive connecting can help, and can allow you to teach your son how to manage his reactions.
Kirk Martin, his company is Celebrate Calm, has wonderful ideas for working with disrespectful kids. His cds are pricey, but he has a terrific email newsletter. I'm always happy when I see it in my inbox. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book on Kids, Parents and Power Struggles is great too.
the best to you,
Susan
Very good advice, Thank you. I have to admit, i have a hard time being the bigger person and walking away from an argument. I know i *should* but i just cant seem to do it more than once. He usually keeps on and then i get more upset. I know I need to not engage him, but its really hard not too. We do "fight" about stupid things. a simple task ends up with me yelling to just do what i told you to do.
Gosh i sound more and more like my mother everyday!!!
Nevada Jen- THis sounds like my house. The other day my DH went off about a cheese wrapper laying on the ground. In his defense we have SERIOUS problems with C leaving wrappers of all sorts laying around the house. Hasnt ever gotten better since he was like 3. But seriously, its a cheese wrapper, I know he should be responsible enough to throw it away after he eats it, but do we really need to have a lecture about how C always leaves the wrappers out, he never throws them away, etc etc and then 10 minutes later everyone is upset and we are no further ahead than when we started out with a cheese wrapper on the ground. Things escalate so quickly. We really need to work on our nagging also. I guess we ALL need some work!! Rach