Need advice from others who have reunited

I'm a bmom in the beginning of reunion - I just found my daughter after nearly 25 years. It's not that I don't feel deeply "connected" to her, but I guess it's more that I don't feel like I deserve that connection. She's not a "lost pair of socks" by any means, but at the same time, I didn't raise her, I didn't know her, I didn't go through all the things that her aparents did for her that I couldn't do for her. I guess in some ways I don't feel "entitled" to feel that bond because I am the one who made the choice to give her up. I also can't deny that I do feel connected emotionally on some level because I can't ever forget carrying her for 9 months, and the emotional pain of letting her go. I'm not sure if this helps give you any insight at all - I'm sure a lot of this changes with time and as the relationship develops through the process of reunion. Best wishes to you! JJJmom

JJJmom: This is actually VERY helpful. It really helps to have the insight of someone on the other side. However, if she is willing to allow you into her life then you DO deserve that connection. She is offering it to you. Allow yourself to relinquish any guilt you may feel. There could be an amazing adult relationship waiting for you if you do. Best wishes back to you!

JJJMom: I'm with jas3734, if she is offering it to you then she must also feel the connection. Regardless of who raised her ( and I don't mean to belittle this) you are her mother , as well. She knows that deep down, as we all do. Best wishes to you and thankyou for the insight - it helps to hope this may be true in my case.

hello, everyone, I am an adoptee and a birthmother. I have met my birthmother in 1993. I wanted to know her and feel that connection. I think that she was very apprensive. I think birthmothers feel that they dont have the right to feel the way they do, cause you already have a mother and they dont know where to fit into your life.its not that they dont love you..talk to her and tell her how you feel.:) p.s. i have met my son and he is now living with me. we have a great connection with each other. does anyone else know of bchildren moving back??

I am a bmom who grieved and searched for 40 years. She was found, we reunited, and the first hug was healing, as if the empty spot where I held her in my womb was finally 'fixed'. Things went good for a while. Boundaries were not respected, demands were made, I got overwhelmed and ran. Please, take it slow, respect the other party's wishes for space, and let it run its course. You can't make up for all those years in which each has had different lives, overnight. I wish we'd taken it slower, perhaps we'd still have a relationship.

Demands? I wouldn't dare make a demand of her. I didn't even make demands from the woman who raised me!

I would say her not displaying her emotions is defensive...a fear of having to relive the years of tormentful emotions that she has finally overcome. When I met my bmom she had bottled her emotions up for the longest time, well, 19-20 years I guess. For the week or two after we reunited, she cried so much that she burst a blood vessel in her eye! I would say imagine every bmom feels this strong emotion but they all have different ways of expressing it, which may include resisting to let it out...

Don't give up on your bmother. I'm a bmother and I had convinced myself I was over giving up my son 24 year ago. My daughter, who has always know she has a 1/2 brother, contacted him on FB without my knowledge and he replied. When she sat me down to tell me I utterly fell apart with the explosion of years of feelings I thought I never felt; love, fear, guilt, shame, you name it. I was shaking and crying and felt like that 16 year old girl again. Your bmother may appear unemotional but this may be the only way she can cope her feelings.

I am a birthmother who found my daughter 33 years after her birth. Our reunion was and is the best thing you could imagine. I love her like crazy as does my husband (who is not her birthfather). My two sons love her and have a great relationship with her as well. But I think I dreamed of the day I would meet her for so long and had so many preconceived notions of what that would look like that maybe when it happened and was not the same as my dreams I panicked. I did not run to her and cry and cry. Maybe I appeared a little cold and maybe still do. I do not feel that way but am aware that it could look that way. I did not instantly feel this overwhelming love. I didn;t know her. I didn't have a base with her. I never had a daughter that I raised. I wan't used to sharing that deeply with anyone. Boys aren't like that. They aren't as emotional. I felt guilt for not reacting as I had in my dreams. I love her and I love her hard. But I got there. Little by little. I still find it easier to tell her how much I love her in Facebook posts and texts and things. I feel awkward about it. Unsure. A lot of it is trying to know where she is coming from, what she thinks, where the line is etc. It's complicated. Her mother is deceased and she does and should love her. I do not have the right to that space and just because her mother is deceased doesn't mean I take that spot. I don't deserve it. Her mother was wonderful and holds that place. Ours is a different relationship. We are building it. Three years in and we are still building it. There are times when you can feel the uncertainty from both sides. It's ok. We just roll with it. Not sure what we expected of each other. There is no road map. We don't know people with our same exact story. The stories we have heard are different with different personalities and different circumstances. We are not in a box. We won't react the same as others. It is ok. It just is. Maybe you both need to just let things happen. Maybe you should stay in touch but respect each others boundaries. They will come down most probably but if they don't you have to respect the emotions of the other party. Love what you can and what develops. It doesn't just happen. It is not a book all laid out neatly. It ebbs and it flows. Enjoy the ride. I hope you find the love you need and want and I hope whatever level that is is reciprocated. But the second guessing and drama probably won't change a thing. Take it slow. It will work out one way or the other. As for me - I love my daughter. Love her. Never ever want her out of my life again. I know I am graced by her presence in our lives. Some of my family does not feel that way - and instead of being mad or angry (like I was in the beginning), now I just feel sad for them. That they don't know the beauty inside and out of this fantastic woman is such a sad thing. But it is their thing - not mine. For me - heaven!

I was adopted at 3 years old. I always knew I was adopted. After years of searching I found my birth family. We exchanged emails, spoke on Skype fpr a couple of years. It was difficult for me to meet them as I live the other side of the world (a 14 hour flight away) I finally managed to arrange to visit them in Novemeber 2011. This is what happened. I was met at the airport by my mother and brother, it was if I'd known them all my life, they drove me to my mothers house where I stayed for 1 week, I met two other sisters and their families as well. I was in disbelief to how natural it felt, they all welcomed me into their homes and lives and treated me like a member of their family, it was by far one of the happiest weeks of my life. They all went out of their way to make me feel comfortable, their were no akward moments at all, I spoke with them, spent time with them and got to know them. I can safely say it was a turning point in my life. Everything I've wanted to know about myself was answered in that week. I am now at peace with myself and will continue to visit then whenever I can. A true happy ending.

I searched and found my BMother last year. I found out lots of information, and that she has loved me every day since becoming pregnant. She was 19 years old, when she relenquished me, and was along, scared, and cried the whole time giving birth. It was a time in her life that was so traumatic that she "cannot go back there". All contact was through a social worker, and I do not anticipate any more contact....I have done a ton of reading and while I still have a whole in my heart, I understand why she is not able to move forward right now. I just finished reading, "BIRTHMOTHERS" by Merry Bloch Jones, and can tell you it really helps to explain what Birthmoms did - and still do (even in open adoptions) go through. Peace and blessings to you!

I reunited with my bmum a year ago....it was a magical time in the beginning. It still is I think....but Im starting to get anxious. The love I have for her is overwhelming...I ache when I'm not with her. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way....she does text me, and invite me over, she does a lot for me...but doesn't have the aching desire to be with me all the time like I do. I'm getting paranoid that she doesn't love me anymore, or that I did something wrong. I. Hoping I'm just being crazy....but I'm aware that I need to try and chill out before I push her away. We have more conga t than most I think....but it's becoming awkward between us because I don't feel like she loves me. She doesn't say she misses me...she acts cold and distant....even though she does invite me over....it's weird.

Avalonia: Since I don't know anything about you it is difficult for me to say this but here goes. It sounds like you are looking for someone to fill a void in your life. Believe me, I have plenty of voids. But I have found over the years that the only one who can fill that void is me. When you want or expect others to come through for you the hurt you feel when they don't is overwhelming. It sounds like your birth mom is doing a lot to make you a part of her life. You can't push or expect more than she is willing to provide. This holds true for any relationship. You may just need to re-examine things and redefine the relationship for your self. Just as it is ok for an adoptee to not want a mother-daughter bond with her birth mother, it is also ok for the birth mom to not want this. Fill the void with yourself!

Jas 3734... Thankyou for your post. You are right, I DEFINATELY have a void that I myself need to fill. I'm working on that, going back to school, excited about finally reaching my potential and being something I'm proud of. My bmum is actually helping me do this. She also facetimed me last night. Right now things are good. I'm visiting this weekend and my brothers are so excited. My situation is amazing. That's why I was so surprised at how hard it is....I am luckier than most, by far. My mum does seem to want a mother daughter relationship. She says things like 'I am your mother!' Which I love :). And I call her mum, which she loves. I think I just needed an explanation as to why she can seem distant at times. And why I feel crazy and needy despite how great things are. I think all of these thngs are just part of the ride. It's on,y been a year....I'm hoping our relatioonship will flourish and grow, if I can control my needs and not be so clingy and needy. This site helps a lot.

I found my bmom 5 yrs ago. To make a long story short she was 17 when she had me one night stand and was forced to give me up. It took her 3 weeks to respond, not because she didn't want too but because she had to get 2 stepkids and her own daughter all together to tell them they have a sister and this is why. So its overwhelming and maybe she just doesn't know what to say to you. Or feels bad about her decision. Don't press just ask her how her day is and don't give up she may just need time to overcome her feelings. good luck