My birth father's WIFE

I guess I've known since I was a child that there are some who feel this way about their children. It still hurts to hear it if you are an adoptee and a biological parent is saying it. I think if someone brings a child into this world then they owe that child knowledge of his or her origins, family, heritage, and medical history at the very least. A relationship, no, if either party doesn't want one. If the child wants contact with other members of his family, and they want to reciprocate, however, I hope he doesn't stand in their way like my n-father tried to do with me. If he had been honest with you from the beginning of your relationship about her, would that have been easier for you to deal with?

Frankly, as a birth mother myself, it sounds like your husband has some feelings of shame surrounding the conception/birth of his birth child. I will say that denial only works for so long. Why are you so against even the idea of this child? Frankly it sounds to me that, despite saying you would not get in the say of a relationship, your attitude has given him a choice: you or the birth child. How sad.

I feel that if I would have known from the very beginning I would not be so upset about it all. Knowing you have been surrounded by people for several years who all knew and didn't tell you makes it very hard to get over. Also, no one has ever tried stopping his family from being involved with her, but it got the point where they were obsessive about her and her adoptive family. They basically neglected my husband as their child immediately after the birth, even though he was a child still himself. I know he is shameful of it because it was an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. However, they chose life and to let her live it with parents who wanted a baby more than anything. I don't think there can be any greater gift than adoptive parents who wanted a baby so dearly. You are saying its "sad" that I do not want anything to do with this child, but why should I? I did not sign up for this and was lied to about it for several years. It may seem as if I have forced him to make a choice, but I kept my opinions about it silent until he had worked through the issues himself. I did not force my opinion on him and only told him I didn't care to be involved until after he told me he didn't want to. I feel if he genuinely doesn't want to play a roll in her life he should not feel obligated to. Does that make sense?

kinmc87,You're right. It is unfair.Your husband definitely should have told you about his daughter, especially since she was in his life at the time. However, shame is a very powerful emotion, and I can only imagine that he feared that you would view him and treat in the same way that his family had treated him when they found out about the pregnancy.You stated that you almost broke up with him because he hadn't told you about the daughter. Well, then, it makes sense that his subsequent decision would be to cut all ties with his daughter. He fears losing you. And, I don't believe that silence necessarily hides one's opinions. Sometimes, the opinions are still heard quite loudly. Most likely, your husband knew how you felt, especially considering how his family treated him.I'm pro-child, so first and foremost, I look at what's in the best interest of the child. I cannot imagine what his daughter is thinking. He had been in her life, and then he just cut her out. Most adoptees feel a sense of abandonment because of having been relinquished. She may be feeling that a second time because your husband has cut her out again.If your husband truly doesn't want to know his child, he doesn't need to force himself to know her. But, he should talk to her about her heritage and medical histories at the very least. And, I hope he didn't just cut her out with a word to her as to why.Adoption is one solution to unplanned pregnancies. However, I don't view it as a great gift. There is tremendous loss associated with it, and the loss is usually experienced by the adoptee, biological parents, and adoptive parents. The greatest gift of all is to grow up with your own people (whenever possible).

I understand that he doesn't want to lose me but I have told him time and time again that I will not walk away from our relationship. We have been in counseling and have never given up, no matter how hard it is. I have told him I would never want him to live in silence not being honest with me how he feels about her. He swears there is no connection and the relationship was pressured and forced by his other family members. He was very, very young when this happened. I understand that it is better for children to be raised by their biological families, but when those two parents are 16 years old, I truly do not believe that is the best route. 16 year olds have very little to offer as parents, especially when they know they can not commit to being a parent and have no desire to. I understand this will be difficult for her but it has been very difficult for me also, I feel like I am paying horribly for mistakes that I didn't make and didn't even know about. This is a hard journey. The child is still very young, and the relationship was very infrequent, so I do not believe at this point she has even noticed anything. We do not have any children right now, although we both very much want to start a family. I am also scared/nervous as to how this could impact any future children we bring into the world. When do you tell them? How do you tell them? Especially if there isn't any involvement with her on our part.

If you do decide to have children; be honest. You fully understand the impact of dishonesty so don't put your children in that situation. Introducing you to her without letting you know who she was in relation to him was wrong.If your children find out one day that they have a half sister they were kept in the dark about it will have an impact.This child didn't ask to be born. Your husband's family had a relationship and he knew that he was held accountable for decisions he made when he was 16 according to your posts. I am not sure why he would have felt displaced in his family because they chose to have contact but according to your perspective or his he did. 16 year old people often don't think things through in the same way an adult would.If your husband is going to manage his relationship with her based on "pleasing" his parents or you they are both better off not engaging. I would encourage your husband to continue with counseling until he comes to the point where he can trust his own judgement again.You don't need this and neither does the child. If you had both started with a level playing field in the beginning perhaps things wouldn't have come to this. It's often the case when there is deception that people feel there is more to worry about. If people are deceptive it challenges trust and we often worry about what else they aren't telling us.Am I right?

I absolutely agree. The deception is what has made this so hard and what has basically turned me off to the whole thing. I am not a cold hearted person. I feel for this child and what she may face in the future. But I also do not know her, any my first instincts are to protect myself and to protect the relationship that I have invested in. The issues with his family are very complex. They are very difficult and have made things much harder on the both of us. His mother has made it clear several times that if he does not want a relationship with a child then she doesn't want anything to do with him. So, he is stuck in a position where he is being pulled in all different directions and feels he can't just live for himself because someone always expects something. I have tried my hardest to get him to decide for himself and no one else, and he says he has.. So hopefully that is the truth. I can't fix this or force him one way or the other. All I can do is try to be supportive.

So the child is still a child vs say being a teen - so your husband is around 26? Your user name has 87 so you are 25ish? I would gently suggest that you are feeling jealous, like he stepped out on you - except he didn't. Regardless if you think the child will notice if he is gone - the child will always be his child, and he her father. You need to either accept that or not - over the years his feelings may, or may not change regarding wanting a relationship. It appears you are wanting him to guarantee that he will forever deny any relationship with his own child... Kind regards,Dickons

I am not pretending I am not jealous. It is one of the strongest emotions. I am mourning the loss of being the first woman to give him children, and that is very difficult for me. I cannot change what happened. I can't change who she is and where she came from. But at this point, what do you suggest? Walk away from a man who I love because one day he might want a relationship with her? Or live the rest of my life being involved with something I honestly don't want to be a part of. I'm being brutally honest. I am not interested in living the rest of my life being involved with this child. So for the meantime he can tell me he doesn't want to be either, we can stay together, and either it will never be an issue or it will become a very big issue.

You can't expect people on an anonymous forum to give you that type of advice. Perhaps you should seek out a therapist and work through it with someone qualified. What seems like a non-starter to you now may still be a non-starter to you when you are fifty - or you may look back on it as a why did I ever think that. We can't tell you what way you will feel in the future - you have to figure that out with someone who can help you face to face. Kind regards,Dickons

You are treating a 10-year-old like she's the "other woman".I agree that it was wrong for your husband to deceive you. I imagine he was terrified of your reaction and you proved his fears to be valid. I'm sure you are compounding the shame he feels for not being in a position to either parent his first born or the fact that an unplanned pregnancy happened in the first place. It's likely easier for him to just walk away from any relationship with his child and pretend it doesn't matter.Reading stories like this it makes me feel so fortunate that I have such an accepting and loving husband. He has encouraged me over the years to skip vacations so we can hire searchers to find my soon to be 30-year-old son. We recently made provisions in our will to accommodate my unknown son. I am so lucky that he and because of his examples, my daughters, don't compound the shame I live with daily.I don't blame his parents for wanting a connection with their grandchild and for loving her without restriction. They are advocating for a child's feelings over an adult's...I hope you come to terms about the existence of this child. Your future children may want to know their half sister someday and she won't always be a child but a grown woman who may want a connection with her natural father. Imagine the jealousy you'll feel then if you don't allow your heart to soften while she's young.She didn't ask to be born. She didn't ask to be relinquished to another family. She's not the enemy.

I didn't ask for this either. That's all I have to say. I cannot put someone I don't knows feelings before my own. I just can't and its not right that I should have to.

You'll find as you grow up that everyone has to deal with things they didn't ask for in life. I'm sure your husband didn't ask for someone who would put her feelings above everyone else's in his family...sounds like he's dealing with it...just don't count on him not resenting you for it as time goes on. I'm curious about what you are seeking coming to these forums? I acknowledge that finding out about his daughter must have been a blow and a shock. It's understandable that it would hurt to find out that you will never be the mother of his first-born. But those are just facts. Denying her existence and encouraging a secondary abandonment of her only causes hurt for more people and won't make her disappear. I hope for everyone involved that you can find a way to resolve your feelings.

I really do feel for you. You are in a difficult situation. However, I feel for the child more. I will always advocate for what's in the best interest of the children involved over what's in an adult's best interest. (That doesn't mean that I don't sympathize with you.) The more information I receive from you about the situation,the more I feel that your husband is being pulled in many different directions. I truly wonder if he knows what he wants right now. I know you mentioned that you and your husband are seeing a counselor. The two of you might benefit from both individual and couple's counseling. Your husband probably needs to work through his emotions regarding the pregnancy and relinquishment. Knowing your feelings about the child, he most likely will not feel comfortable opening up to a counselor in front of you. Likewise, you may feel more comfortable talking about some of your feelings without your husband present. I wish things were easier for everyone involved.

Interesting...as the adoptee, I've spent 48 years now, being "defined", by something totally miserable, by the people who are supposed to love me, also known as my families, bio and adopted. I can tell you for a fact that we would all very much like to "move on", which in the minds of some, really means forget it ever happened. In my 48 years of experience with, in, and living adoption, the funny thing is...it just never, never, really goes away no matter how hard people try to pretend it never happened. It's always there in the shadows of the back of their minds. If you don't believe me, ask my first parents. It's something neither of them has ever, ever "gotten over", or "moved on" from. From the view of outsiders, not directly in the triad, it may seem so, but the shame, the guilt, it's never gone away, no matter how hard they tried to "forget". I've spent the last 25 years feeling their shame and that guilt. The funny thing is that it really isnt so much the three of us who can't "move on". It is all those around us who wont "let" uss move on, because of their judgements, and their own insecurities. BTW, this is not directed at any of the Bdad's wives, just a fact of life for BPs and adoptees. I feel sorry for BPs who feel "defined" by such a miserable situation. It always amazes me how easily the affects of the situation on the child are dismissed, so that adults can "move on", and that adoption is, somehow, supposed to be the magical "cure" for the feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. If only that were true, then every child ever born should be adopted. It also amazes me the number of first parents who believed that placing their child for adoption would, somehow, save them from being defined by a miserable situation. If that were true, wouldn't we all be living happily ever after with a lot more adoptees in the world than already exist?And they say adoption is in the best interest of the child? Seems to me it's in the best interest of the adults in many cases; maybe even most cases.