I haven't posted on here much, but I'm wondering how others have handled similar situations.
We have been approved to adopt since August (no calls), but January 1 changed our status to accept concurrent foster placements. We got our first call this afternoon for a 6 yr old girl claiming sexual abuse (by an uncle and I'm guessing there must be some evidence) and mother denying it and not protecting. She was brought in on a 48 hr hold. Since I have 3 bio boys (one a teenager), I was immediately uncomfortable with the situation. Plus, it seems like this would not be very long term. So I said no.
I feel bad saying no on our first call, but I really had a gut feeling that this one wouldn't be good for us.
Have you said no to a placement? How do you decide?
I said no to our first placement call. And so close on the second, but took them in, (and glad I did!)
I just knew the first call wasn't a good fit for our family. I felt like a horrible person. But someone here pointed something out to me - good to say no now then have to disrupt later. And I later found out they found an amazing home for him. It worked out for the best. (I called and checked on him!)
You have to stick to your guns and take placements that will be a good fit for you and your family. And know they will find a good home for them.
Robin, I don't blame you a bit. Protection of my teen son is the primary reason for the choices we've made in regards to what children we will take.
You have to be mindful about the needs of the children already in your care first, imo.
I think that it will partly depend on your relationship with your caseworker. I have one long term foster child and take emergency placements (nights and weekends when the DCF office is closed). I have taken a few really tough placements and try to say yes to emergency placements whenever I can (there aren't very many of us), but sometimes I just can't. If they called tonight, I would say no - my son has been puking since last night and I need whatever rest I can get tonight.
I once took a kid for one night. He was awful. Temper tantrums about everything (my cat moved - tantrum, the toilet flushed too loud - tantrum). The next day they asked me to take him for just one more night. I said no way - I just couldn't take it.
I turned down the brother of the baby girl we have now. I had pneumonia at the time and was too tired to even consider taking another child.
If it was going to be a long term placement, I would be pickier. Our current foster daughter is one of six siblings. When they were taken into foster care I was offered my pick of the six. So I guess I turned down five kids in the same day, but said yes to the one who I thought would be the best match for us. Since I have now had her for more than 18 months, I suppose being picky turned out pretty well.
I wouldn't worry about turning down a child who you think is a bad match. Just make sure that you communicate with your social worker about your choices, what you are looking for. Ask if s/he thinks you are being too picky.
As much as we might want to - we can't take them all. Take the ones you can serve well.
Good luck on your journey.
For me I wouldnt say no to a short term placement but I'm not adopt, just foster with a willingness to go concurrent for an infant/good fit older child.
I would say no to a kid with sexual acting out or who had done alligations and that is because we too have older boys in the home, one kid is 21 and in college the other is 12...8 yr old too.
Sexual issues would not work in our home nor would a gang banger....
You have to know your own comfort zone and then stand up for that and even though it feels bad you have to ensure the people already in your family remain safe!
Dont feel bad, feel empowered by knowing you made the right choice!
I've said "No" several times, and yes several times. My goal is to have a child come to my home who fits with me and my family, whom I can successfully heal, who will (eventually) be glad to be here, because he's convinced he's a fit. (Note I'm already saying no to girls.) The first time I said no I almost had a heart attack on the spot. I knew the people who did accept this little boy... with several adopted small children already... they eventually worked with fos-support groups and the department to find a new placement for him, where he would be the only child, as he was too aggressive with their other children. He was *fine* in both homes. I said no to him solely because I was called the first day, they had no clue if he had relatives who wanted him, not enough info for me.
I think your reasoning for saying no is very very sound. Possibly the person who called you isn't that familiar with your home /family configuration. If they are, perhaps they didn't think it through well. It could be just that they were desperate to get her into any bed for the night/week. That surely happens where I live.
I've only said no once, and it was because they called the day after I got our FS and so we are full. I asked her not to even tell me about the child (I can't say no once they've told me, I'm too easy).
I don't think you should feel badly at all. I have a dear friend who went though her DS being accused of molestation by a foster child. Her DS was cleared of the allegations, but it was very trying on the family and it hurt her son a lot.
I completely understand staying within your own comfort zones and I think families should always put their current family first (whether its bio kids, adopted kids or a mix of both) when considering taking a new placement. I also don't discount gut feelings - I get them too and try to stay in-tune with what my mind/heart is trying to say to me, as well.
That being said, I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault and a very similar situation to what you mentioned. My mother didn't believe me either, but I wasn't brave enough to keep 'moving up the chain of command' so-to-speak. I shut my mouth and endured another 5 steady years of abuse.
I never accused anyone but the two perpetrators and never acted out sexually as a child. I did internalize and self injure as a late teen/early 20s, but I was NEVER a danger or threat to anyone else.
I think about that now as an adult - how my life could have been different if I had gotten out of that situation early on. If I had people around me that didn't make me feel like I was a liar or damaged or gross or creepy. I am stable, happy and confidant now - almost 25 years after the start of it all - but it took me a loooong time to get there, because I had to endure it so long and had no support system after the fact.
Being a survivor/victim of sexual abuse as a child does not automatically mean you are going to perpetrate your own abuse or false allegations.
I hope you get a call soon with a child that is the right fit for your family.
Good Luck! :)
we said no 7 times in a row! 7 babies. i couldn't stand it anymore when they called about #8 and they told me they didn't know where he was going to sleep that night because no one wanted him. :( i said yes without even talking to my dh, surprised him with it later (what was i thinking????) lol). well....we ended up being able to adopt that little #8...and he is the light of my life. i can't imagine what a day without him would even be like! after that, i did not feel guilty saying no...i realized that there is a "best family" out there for so many kids. he would not have been a great match for many families bc of his health issues @ birth, but he was perfect for us/we were perfect for him and his needs. i know some of those first babies (#s 1-7) and i know where they ended up....and it was a similar thing- they ended up exactly where they needed to be. :)
Since last Tuesday, we've received 3 calls for placement and 1 call for respite. We took the respite placement, but declined the other 3 (one was last night at 3 a.m.).
One reason we have declined is because we already have a placement (sibling group of 3) and need to be "picky" about any future kids we bring in. Also, in the case last night there are logistics to consider like in the type of bed the child will need. Gender and age is also a consideration.
Caseworkers understand that people will decline placements due to various reasons. And your uneasiness to bring a child who's been SA into your home with three young sons is very legitimate!
You'll get called again and no one will hold this "no" against you! ;)
Have fun with the "revolving door" of foster care!