Looking to help my daughter

She is also 14 and as mature as she may be, I don't think at that age you can really have any idea of the impact of having a baby, much less relinquishing a child to adoption, even if the child remains in the family. And even if she were older, there is absolutely no way to know how adoption will affect you until you have lived it. Often the impact doesn't really hit you until you've lived it a lifetime. It is extremely difficult. Personally, for me, having my mother raise my child and me be the "sister" would not have worked, but I did not have a healthy mother or supportive family. If I had a healthy mother and supportive family, I would have sooner considered getting their help and support until I could get on my feet, rather than relinquish my rights, but I was 19 when I was pregnant, so I at least was done with high school, able to work, etc., and there wouldn't have been as many years to get on my feet. Your daughter is 14 and still very much a child. If it were my daughter, knowing what I know as a mother who lost a child to adoption, I would not want to see her go through this at all, but what's done is done and she's rather far along now to consider other options. I think your daughter will need counseling, certainly, but also have you considered it for yourself and the family as a whole? I think I wouldn't not rush into terminating her rights right away. Can you provide temporary guardianship for now? Your daughter may think she is clear on this decision right now, but she is terrified and her feelings may be very different after she gives birth. I would get through that first before I would rush into any other decisions. What is the expectant father's involvement in all this, and how does he feel about everything? He, too, should have counseling, IMO. I did read in your other post where you were starting to feel excited about this baby being "yours" and having a new little one to care for. I would caution you to not think of this baby as yours right now. I am concerned that your daughter is so scared and feeling more like "mom will fix this for me by adopting my baby, I can still see him or her, and be a part of my child's life, and get my life back to normal the way it was." Her life won't be the same, I'm afraid. And having her think of this baby as yours before she even has a chance to process this pregnancy emotionally, and give birth, and really revisit her decision after birth, is not the best way to go about things. That is why I would take it one step at a time and not get so far ahead of yourselves.

I also feel like 14 is way too young to really understand what having a baby and relinquishing a child could possibly be like. Actually, until you've been there/done that NO one knows. And it's not something I would ever wish on my daughters. I urge you to consider temporary guardianship as well. That is, if you're willing to help your daughter parent this child. Which maybe you are, considering that you'd consider adopting? I just think that in family adoptions like this can cause a lot of issues. Would the child grow up knowing his/her sister is her/his mother? Or would that be hidding, secrets can be dangerous later on... At 18 I was very determined in my choice of adoption as well. But then that was taken over by everyone around me, and really, it was my 'choice' because I wanted to badly to 'fix' my situation. I've suffered extremely for 26 years because of thjis. Knowing what ALL my options were, having therapy from an unbiased counsellor, would have helped me immensely. There are no easy solutions here!

I'm an adoptee, so I'm not sure I have the best view on this. I agree with Peachy and Quantum. If you're willing to consider guardianship, and letting the child know from day one that your Grandma, and your daughter is Mom, I think that's a great choice. You'd still have all the responsibility, and your daughter may choose to leave you with your grandson and guardianship forever, but at least your grandson will never wonder about his birthstory, and his place in the family, especially when she grown older, and other children etc... enter the picture.

I have considered these things...am still considering them. I do understand how young she is. I also have a very clear idea that once her baby is born, she will quite probably feel differently. I have talked with my spouse about her needing time to really make this decision. We will follow our daughter's lead. I don't know what else we really can do. I was 18 when I had my first daughter, and I was pretty adamant from the beginning that I was going to parent. I did not have support, not even a ride home from the hospital. So, I know how scary being a young parent can be. I also know how long it took me to come to terms with giving up my goals in order to be able to take care of my daughter. We are fully prepared to wait for S to come to a decision AFTER the baby is born because I know seeing that beautiful child will change where she is coming from. We are looking for a therapist for the entire family. I have a phone interview with a woman that specializes in adoption. I hope it goes well so that we can begin meeting with her. We have all talked about how we will define our family. It's very complicated, but I think the love in our family will help us through. I am adopted by my father and I was always completely aware of that. My family was very open and I plan on continuing that tradition. I see no reason in the world why there would need to be secrets about any of it. I don't believe that is helpful and I would not want to even try to be less than honest. Oh, and I know I didn't mention the BF, thanks for pointing that out. He has been in and out of the situation from the beginning. He, at this point, expresses his support of S, and thinks that our adoption of the baby is a very good idea. He is 17, and struggling to finish school. He has mentioned that he does not want his son to grow up the way that he did. His mother was 16, and they are still barely making ends meet. My daughter and I asked him to be at the hospital, and I hope he will be. I want him to share in that moment. I very much appreciate all of your insights. I really am trying to do the best for my entire family. I know my first post was a bit ridiculous, but I was caught up in an idea. I see now, that I have no right to be excited. Other than the birth of a child..and that is always wonderful.

I think it's great that you're all going to see a therapist, and that you're considering lots of options. Just a friendly warning though, sometimes an 'adoption' specialist would have that goal of adoption in mind...and that's not necessarily unbiased counselling...

Just an note, the therapist is not an adoption specialist in the sense that she advocates for it or it against it. She is simply experienced in helping various clients on both sides of the issue. :)

Even better!

As a counselor to pregnant women considering adoption or parenting, 14 is far too young to know what might be best for the baby she is expecting. What she is asking of you, to adopt and raise her baby, can be very confusing for a child and also hurtful for her. It's an unfortunate situation, but I think she needs to look at what is best for her child, and being raised as his/her birthmother's sibling will not be the best choice. Depending on how she will react to parenting in the future, it may not be the best even to raise the child as a grandmother with a mother coming in and out of her/his life, either. This can also build some strong rejection beliefs in the child. What many do not understand about young single mothers parenting their child is that this child will NEVER really have a father in the home, one that is present from the beginning, and this, too, is a large loss. Even if a father does end up in the home, it will most probably not be the father of record, and possibly he may not be permanent. Once again, this child ends up with rejection and abandonment issues. The baby will probably do better in a completely open adoption with two parents and an open relationship with both birthparents and their families--where grandparents can continue to be grandparents, etc. Blending of both families to build a more extended family for this baby may be healthier than keeping him/her with an uncertain future for his relationships. We can never have enough people to love us, and if there is an adoption, this is the way it should be done.

Vegiemomma, I am an adoptee and thank you for supporting your daughter. I like the idea of guardianship the best because then you are not erasing the reality. A legal guardianship and a laid out agreement of roles played with perhaps different responsilbities at different stages subject to discussion and agreement between all of you? If you are going to see a therapist it could be clearly defined and agreed on. That way your grandchild remains your grandchild and the child gets to stay in their family. That would be my choice if I had had the chance to stay inside my family and not be adopted out. It has worked successfully in a family I know well and the child in question is a teenager now. Kind regards,Dickons

I am afraid I must respectfully disagree. How would an adoptive father be any different than a future husband this girl might have? Open adoption is not always as advertised, the birthgrandparents would NOT have the same relationship as they would if this girl parented her child. If lucky, perhaps still good, but legally, they would have no ground. What about the rejection beliefs that a lot of adoptees in general have? ALL future relationships are uncertain. My son's aparents divorced. Who saw that coming? Of COURSE we can never have enough people to love us, but it seems like this grandmother is willing to help her daughter, and if the daughter is ok with that, why would anyone want to stop that? just MHO....

Okay. I came here to these forums in the hopes of finding support and love, advice and understanding. There are a few things that I have to say in regard to everyone's opinion. First of all, my spouse and I are a happily married (11 years), financially stable, well educated couple. Our daughters are our life and the joy of being with them everyday is the happiest part of our marriage. Our daughter, while young, is in no way being disregarded or pressured. I have now, and will continue to honor all of her feelings and choices. She does have a conscience ablity to express herself, and does so clearly and with conviction. I find it somewhat disturbing that on one hand I am to disregard her thoughts as those of an immature child, while on the other hand I should give her full autonomy in all of her choices. I do not believe that we are harming our child by honoring her choice to be a part of the baby's life, although in a different way. I do understand, trust me, I'm living it, the complicated nature of our journey that has only just begun. We are seeing a qualified therapist, as a family, and also as individuals. We are a happy, strong, loving family. There is JOY in our home...not anger, hurt, lies, and dissent. A 14 year old parent is not the future that anyone sees for their children. BUT, I was supportive of S's choice to parent. I was supportive of her choice to not end the pregnancy. Now, I am suppportive of her choice to adopt. As an adoptee myself, I am fully aware of the complicated messiness that open adoption can bring. My Bf was a family friend that my grandparents had a relationship with for years...and still do. While this was sometimes uncomfortable, I was IN NO WAY traumatized by the openness of my life. It has made me better in countless ways. I did not have trust issues, because all of my questions were answered as they came. My feelings were listened to, respected, and taken seriously. I feel that my family can navigate this road with love, honesty and respect. I also feel that when we make decisions that are truly the right ones...a path clearly opens up to you and you see without doubt the road ahead. I do NOT believe that all families dealing with these issues are unstable, unsupportive and only out to hurt each other. Perhaps, we all need to remember that each family is individual. We will be a LOVING family and that is what we are working toward. Labels do not need to define who we are or what we do. I will love ALL of my children, no matter what label is bestowed upon them in a court of law. I will continue to support, encourage and LOVE my daughter no matter what choice she makes.

I have to agree with Prarie Pigeon. I am a birthgrandparent. My daughter chose to place her son in another family. She did not want him to be adopted by her family. She wanted the space. I can tell you it was the hardest thing as a mother to go through this process but I knew the best thing for us me to do was to let my daughter make her decision. She found a beautiful couple who are loving and kind. Our grandson is now three years old and we are all in his life. My husband and I are grandma and grandpa and our daughter is Sarah, his first mother. We see him on a regular basis and as much as I did not want to see him go I know now it was the best decision for him and for my daughter. She was nineteen when she made her decision and I don't know what I would have done if she were fourteen. Whatever decision you make with your daughter know that you will need to own that decision. Nobody else can own it for you or for her. It will be hard whatever you do but it will be harder if you end up regretting what you have done. Adoption in any form is not a one size fits all. I would read Lifegivers to get more information. Praying for you. I know how hard this is for you.

Our baby L was born August 3rd, 2011. He was surrounded by our entire family as he came into this world. My daughter S, was loved and supported throughout her natural, beautiful birthing process. My spouse cut the cord at S's request, and my other 3 daughters gave L his first bath and helped the nurse measure and do his first tests. I had the joy of giving L his first feeding. S was safe and loved from the minute she told us she was pregnant...and that has continued through til today. She has returned to high school and is doing well. Her teen pregnancy/adoption counselor has been happy with her emotional health and has stated that unless an issue arises in the future, she feels that S is well-adjusted and very confident in her choices. Guardianship papers have been finalized and we are now waiting for a date for a home visit. At the six month mark our adoption of L will be finalized...although the courts are little back logged so it could be longer. Our family is happy, and L has brightened all of our lives in every way imagined. All of the girls play, feed and snuggle him every day, including S. We have never been happier or closer as a family. I know our journey has been different than that of others, but for us, it was the best road to take. I thank everyone for their concerns, and openness. I wish everyone here the best outcomes in all of their situations. :love:

Congratulations to the family for this beloved little guy.

I am so happy for your family. You are blessed.