My failure as a foster mom

Deb, don't beat yourself up. I get what you are going through. I don't know what's worse, the feelings of anger towards the child, or the guilt we have feeling that way. Our 2yr. FS had a serious "event" during the night that involved destruction of property (much less serious than harming pet) and today I am struggling with it. Outwardly I am smiling and doing the things an adoring mother would do, but I don't "feel" it, not today. I just can't help it.

I know your FS is very young but I think it's ok for these kids who do these things (either foster kids, adopted kids, bio kids or relative kids...ANY kids) to see that when they do "wrong or naughty or outright mean" things that we are mad and angry, hiding it from them doesnt let them see that part of the consequences. JMHO. I think it's healthy for a kid to see the disapointment and anger (appropriate) when they do things like that, we are modeling for them and it's normal to be angry and upset in some situations. It's sure hard to know what is the right way to go sometimes. Easy for me today though cuz right now I'm on this side of the screen. You both hang in there with these little ones and best of luck for a good day after all! (((hugs)))

I believe in consequences along with unconditional love. If this child were to get caught as an adult doing something like this the day before her birthday, her birthday wouldn't be great. People do spend many birthdays behind bars. Maybe this b-day should be a little different. Maybe a quiet b-day at home with cake but no fanfare. Kids need to learn consequences at an early age regardless of what has happened to them. We can understand why she did it but it still is unexceptable. You are right feeling that this day should be different. You wouldn't want her to be rewarded for doing something so deliberate and planned.

sometimes when things are going well the stress is too great. the lies in their mind tell them that they don't deserve to be safe, happy, loved, taken care of, etc, etc. ad nauseum. they just don't believe it. Bubba is one of those kids. he used to harm our little dogs with great regularity, but only when he was feeling particularly close to us. that meant he was being "unfaithful" to Barbie. that meant he'd better do something quick to make emotional distance between us and him. the fastest way was to grind Tony's paw under his foot or kick Molly or pull a tail or twist an ear. it didn't matter to him--he just did whatever he could to make any of them yelp. his meanness wasn't confined to the animals--he'd punish Flowergirl as well. she was smaller and nonverbal. it was a constant supervision thing. his consequence was that he was told that we did not yet trust him with the animals or his sister alone, therefore he would not be allowed to play anywhere that we could not directly see him. he hated it. it worked. knowing that her birthday was very soon, i'm going to bet she had to act out. i bet she didn't feel like she deserved a happy birthday to her. she probably feels like she is bad incarnate. that's what abuse and neglect do to kids. and if she doesn't deserve it, she was determined to sabotage it. Bubba still does it sometimes even after 4 years with us. it's hard. you failed no one--not you, your pet, or your foster child. you got blind-sided by an unexpected action. the hardest part right now is going to be helping your fd deny the garbage inside of her that caused her to act out on something smaller and weaker than herself. right now you feel shock, hurt and anger. those feelings are overriding your feelings of love for her. you are also reeling from the sudden loss of trust as well as your empathy for your poor kitty. again, these strong feelings have taken over and blocked out the love. it's still in there. love is a CHOICE in this instance. she is practically screaming at you to love her but don't love her too much. you have to decide is this something that you can live with and choose to love her or is this too much for you to get beyond. honestly, there were many times with Bubba that i thought that there was no way i could continue to let him live with me because _________ just wasn't normal. and it wasn't! but. what i did was say to myself--and to him--i still choose to love you, but i don't like your behavior so much that right now i'm having a hard time feeling good about being with you. i will need to work on my tender feelings and you will need to work on not harming our pets. then i would set the consequence of no contact and constant supervision. after that, i would set my own consequence of deliberately being tender with him-rocking, hugs, stories, lap sitting, whatever. i have found that when he is at his most disgusting is precisely the time he needs me to be the most loving. he doubts his worth and shows me in shocking ways. my job is to create the road by which he can return to me. sometimes that is a very, very rough thing for me to do. it would not be inappropriate to lower her birthday celebration. she chose that when she hurt the cat. but she is also trying very hard to see if you really love her or are you going to "go away" just like her other mom. it doesn't make any difference to her brain if she instigated it. as counter-intuitive as this feels, she really needs you to keep on loving her through this. this is a test. and it's probably the first step past the honeymoon--it's likely to get worse before it gets better. just don't beat yourself up--we all do the best we can with what we've been given. all of us. God be with you through this time.

Thank you all once again for your responses and support. The day went fine. My family was all here and so I got to pretty much do my own thing while one or another of my family members focused on her. The best I can do is keep on keeping on. 12 more days and she will be moving. I hate how much I am looking forward to that. This foster care journey has opened my eyes to many things in the world that I wish I had remained ignorant of; and this unforgiving place in myself is definately one of them. Again, thank you for your support during this difficult day.

I hope it's in the plan for the new family to be aware of animal abuse? Would be horrid if it was worse next time. ((hugs))

I completely understand. Our fd has been totally out of control lately. She pees her bed on purpose, tantrums on purpose (as soon as another person enters the situation other than me and my husband, she stops the crying, screaming, growling, everything), she purposely damages our property, and this week I got kicked in the stomach. Tomorrow is her birthday. We were going to have a party in a few weeks but we canceled it. We're just having cake and some presents here at home. It will still be a special day, but she has got to realize her behavior has consequences. I really get keeping the party though too. Sometimes it's just easier. I hear the hurt in your 'voice' when you say you hate that you're looking forward to the day she isn't there. We have 3 months left. Hang in there. I am hopeful that not all placements will be this tough.

I am so sorry that she did something to your cat. The first time my ffs tried to hurt the dog, I saw RED. I was SO mad. I agree with others who have said make sure that she isn't alone with the pets now.Also, know that you did not fail her. She have given her a great home for the past few months and she is better for it. Good luck with the next two weeks and the transition to her new house.

I'm sure she did this to sabotage the birthday party. Very natural for traumatized children, such an event is "backwards" and scary to them. Which is "backwards" to how "normal" children are, but so much in their lives and thinking is "backwards". There's no doubt in my mind that she was acting out what happened to her, what she'd been trained was a normal part of life -- physically harming a smaller living creature. My fson used to tie animals to chairs and each other with string, and would choke about anything including himself with rope, he'd been choked with his father's hands. (I let him tie up the stuffed animals to work it out in play, and moved all rope-like things where he couldn't reach them.)I think your intense reaction comes in part from knowing she is leaving. That makes it possible for you to move into an "I give up on you" state, and stay there. I believe if you were adopting her, your mind would immediately have begun seeking situations to "make it right", to make it a teachable moment, to find a way to repair her problems somehow.The natural consequence (not punishment) for this is to practice touching gently. Tell her, "We all make mistakes when we are angry, but we all can learn better. In this house, big people don't hurt little people, big people don't hurt each other, little people don't hurt big people, and little people don't hurt little people. And we don't hurt any living creatures, including our pets. Since I know you can learn to be gentle, we're going to practice." With a stuffed animal, show her with your hand, then hold her hand and use it to gently stroke it, multiple times a day. Compliment her as she is being gentle. You can ask her to show you how well she does it after you do it with her hand. Compliment her best efforts. You may need to have hubby do this if it's still too emotionally charged for you. I would suggest letting her practice with a living pet also, again after watching someone do it correctly. NOT turning her loose with the pet, but practicing. So she can begin building a new image of herself as someone who's overcoming her past experiences, and successfully learning to be gentle. Someone who's teachable, vs out of control and unteachable.I don't of course know how severely she hurt your cat, you have my sincere empathy.

I'm sure she did this to sabotage the birthday party. Very natural for traumatized children, such an event is "backwards" and scary to them. Which is "backwards" to how "normal" children are, but so much in their lives and thinking is "backwards". There's no doubt in my mind that she was acting out what happened to her, what she'd been trained was a normal part of life -- physically harming a smaller living creature. My fson used to tie animals to chairs and each other with string, and would choke about anything including himself with rope, he'd been choked with his father's hands. (I let him tie up the stuffed animals to work it out in play, and moved all rope-like things where he couldn't reach them.) I think your intense reaction comes in part from knowing she is leaving. That makes it possible for you to move into an "I give up on you" state, and stay there. I believe if you were adopting her, your mind would immediately have begun seeking situations to "make it right", to make it a teachable moment, to find a way to repair her problems somehow. The natural consequence (not punishment) for this is to practice touching gently. Tell her, "We all make mistakes when we are angry, but we all can learn better. In this house, big people don't hurt little people, big people don't hurt each other, little people don't hurt big people, and little people don't hurt little people. And we don't hurt any living creatures, including our pets. Since I know you can learn to be gentle, we're going to practice." With a stuffed animal, show her with your hand, then hold her hand and use it to gently stroke it, multiple times a day. Compliment her as she is being gentle. You can ask her to show you how well she does it after you do it with her hand. Compliment her best efforts. You may need to have hubby do this if it's still too emotionally charged for you. I would suggest letting her practice with a living pet also, again after watching someone do it correctly. NOT turning her loose with the pet, but practicing. So she can begin building a new image of herself as someone who's overcoming her past experiences, and successfully learning to be gentle. Someone who's teachable, vs out of control and unteachable. I don't of course know how severely she hurt your cat, you have my sincere empathy.

Our dog was rescued. He has scars and cig burns that still remain on him today. So when our FD hit him, I explained that somebody a long time ago had hurt him. And hurting somebody was wrong. She felt bad and would hug him afterwards. In her case, I believe it was patterned behavior - punish and then reward. If your cat was a kid, you wouldn't leave them alone together any time in the future. Just think if it like that. It's not your fault, it's not a failure. Just try to prevent it from happening again.

Are you talking about the 3 year old in your care????

You are not the one that failed her. Her biological parents and the system failed her. Not you. You are doing the best you can. Hang in there.

This. So succinctly put. Give yourself a break. Having someone push your buttons, and having truths about yourself revealed is hard. Those feelings can be ugly, but you will also learn to work through them. I can empathize with you, because my blood ran cold when I read your OP. As I was reading through all the responses (all eloquent and good on advice), I started to calm down, and think how straight anger, indignation, and snubbing would be counter-productive. How would I get through that? Sounds like you have done just fine. Like someone else said, if this were an adoptive placement, you would look for new ways to engage FD. But with her leaving, your reserves are probably just shutting down. I really empathize with you about your kitty, because that is just an unimaginable offense (I do Pug rescue). I hope she is okay! Be gentle with yourself too, this world of fostering is hard work enough. :o

My oldest guy (who they did not tell me had a history of being "aggressive" with pets) when I first got him either hit or kicked my little Otis bear. Otis was my baby before the babies came and I was so angry and hurt! Otis had been rescued from a dog fighting ring and it had taken almost 2 months to get him to trust anyone at the shelter (he chose me). He is scarred, his legs and tail are broken, he has bite scars all over his face, legs, etc. When I sat him down I was very angry and definitely not in "therapuetic" mode. I said " you don't ever do that to poor Otis. He was hurt and mistreated horribly before he came here. No one loved him or was nice, he was hurt over and over again. He came here to be safe. I promised to love him and keep him safe for the rest of his life. He does not deserve to be hurt!" Hmmpf! My big guy looked at me with his huge brown eyes, quivering lips and said in a tiny voice " someone hurt me too". UGGGHHH talk about feeling like crud. At that point I just pulled him into my lap and said Ok we are going to make a pact just like I did to Otis. I promise to love you and keep you safe, let no one ever harm you again. But you need to do your part in keeping everyone safe too (I have two other rescue dogs as well but they were much bigger). We are a team. " From that day on we never had another instance of purposeful harming of the animals. I must say thiough too my big guy had a birthday last week and his behaviour was soo horrible that we cancelled our traditional great wolf plans. We did dinner out, cake and a few gifts but I did scale it way back. He is 6 and I did want him to learn consequences for his actions. He really thought up until the day was over that we were still going. His behaviour this week is much better and we will go to an indoor waterpark (not the same or overnight) just for the day next week. At that point it will be a reward for making the good choices now that he is so much older at 6!It is soo hard when you are caught up in the moment. Good luck