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I'm sure she did this to sabotage the birthday party. Very natural for traumatized children, such an event is "backwards" and scary to them. Which is "backwards" to how "normal" children are, but so much in their lives and thinking is "backwards". There's no doubt in my mind that she was acting out what happened to her, what she'd been trained was a normal part of life -- physically harming a smaller living creature. My fson used to tie animals to chairs and each other with string, and would choke about anything including himself with rope, he'd been choked with his father's hands. (I let him tie up the stuffed animals to work it out in play, and moved all rope-like things where he couldn't reach them.)
I think your intense reaction comes in part from knowing she is leaving. That makes it possible for you to move into an "I give up on you" state, and stay there. I believe if you were adopting her, your mind would immediately have begun seeking situations to "make it right", to make it a teachable moment, to find a way to repair her problems somehow.
The natural consequence (not punishment) for this is to practice touching gently. Tell her, "We all make mistakes when we are angry, but we all can learn better. In this house, big people don't hurt little people, big people don't hurt each other, little people don't hurt big people, and little people don't hurt little people. And we don't hurt any living creatures, including our pets. Since I know you can learn to be gentle, we're going to practice."
With a stuffed animal, show her with your hand, then hold her hand and use it to gently stroke it, multiple times a day. Compliment her as she is being gentle. You can ask her to show you how well she does it after you do it with her hand. Compliment her best efforts. You may need to have hubby do this if it's still too emotionally charged for you.
I would suggest letting her practice with a living pet also, again after watching someone do it correctly. NOT turning her loose with the pet, but practicing. So she can begin building a new image of herself as someone who's overcoming her past experiences, and successfully learning to be gentle. Someone who's teachable, vs out of control and unteachable.
I don't of course know how severely she hurt your cat, you have my sincere empathy.
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I'm sure she did this to sabotage the birthday party. Very natural for traumatized children, such an event is "backwards" and scary to them. Which is "backwards" to how "normal" children are, but so much in their lives and thinking is "backwards". There's no doubt in my mind that she was acting out what happened to her, what she'd been trained was a normal part of life -- physically harming a smaller living creature. My fson used to tie animals to chairs and each other with string, and would choke about anything including himself with rope, he'd been choked with his father's hands. (I let him tie up the stuffed animals to work it out in play, and moved all rope-like things where he couldn't reach them.)
I think your intense reaction comes in part from knowing she is leaving. That makes it possible for you to move into an "I give up on you" state, and stay there. I believe if you were adopting her, your mind would immediately have begun seeking situations to "make it right", to make it a teachable moment, to find a way to repair her problems somehow.
The natural consequence (not punishment) for this is to practice touching gently. Tell her, "We all make mistakes when we are angry, but we all can learn better. In this house, big people don't hurt little people, big people don't hurt each other, little people don't hurt big people, and little people don't hurt little people. And we don't hurt any living creatures, including our pets. Since I know you can learn to be gentle, we're going to practice."
With a stuffed animal, show her with your hand, then hold her hand and use it to gently stroke it, multiple times a day. Compliment her as she is being gentle. You can ask her to show you how well she does it after you do it with her hand. Compliment her best efforts. You may need to have hubby do this if it's still too emotionally charged for you.
I would suggest letting her practice with a living pet also, again after watching someone do it correctly. NOT turning her loose with the pet, but practicing. So she can begin building a new image of herself as someone who's overcoming her past experiences, and successfully learning to be gentle. Someone who's teachable, vs out of control and unteachable.
I don't of course know how severely she hurt your cat, you have my sincere empathy.
Our dog was rescued. He has scars and cig burns that still remain on him today. So when our FD hit him, I explained that somebody a long time ago had hurt him. And hurting somebody was wrong. She felt bad and would hug him afterwards. In her case, I believe it was patterned behavior - punish and then reward.
If your cat was a kid, you wouldn't leave them alone together any time in the future. Just think if it like that. It's not your fault, it's not a failure. Just try to prevent it from happening again.
You are not the one that failed her.
Her biological parents and the system failed her. Not you.
You are doing the best you can.
Hang in there.
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leahcar
You are not the one that failed her.
Her biological parents and the system failed her. Not you.
You are doing the best you can.
Hang in there.
This. So succinctly put.
Give yourself a break. Having someone push your buttons, and having truths about yourself revealed is hard. Those feelings can be ugly, but you will also learn to work through them. I can empathize with you, because my blood ran cold when I read your OP. As I was reading through all the responses (all eloquent and good on advice), I started to calm down, and think how straight anger, indignation, and snubbing would be counter-productive. How would I get through that?
Sounds like you have done just fine. Like someone else said, if this were an adoptive placement, you would look for new ways to engage FD. But with her leaving, your reserves are probably just shutting down.
I really empathize with you about your kitty, because that is just an unimaginable offense (I do Pug rescue). I hope she is okay! Be gentle with yourself too, this world of fostering is hard work enough. :o
My oldest guy (who they did not tell me had a history of being "aggressive" with pets) when I first got him either hit or kicked my little Otis bear. Otis was my baby before the babies came and I was so angry and hurt! Otis had been rescued from a dog fighting ring and it had taken almost 2 months to get him to trust anyone at the shelter (he chose me). He is scarred, his legs and tail are broken, he has bite scars all over his face, legs, etc. When I sat him down I was very angry and definitely not in "therapuetic" mode. I said " you don't ever do that to poor Otis. He was hurt and mistreated horribly before he came here. No one loved him or was nice, he was hurt over and over again. He came here to be safe. I promised to love him and keep him safe for the rest of his life. He does not deserve to be hurt!" Hmmpf! My big guy looked at me with his huge brown eyes, quivering lips and said in a tiny voice " someone hurt me too". UGGGHHH talk about feeling like crud. At that point I just pulled him into my lap and said Ok we are going to make a pact just like I did to Otis. I promise to love you and keep you safe, let no one ever harm you again. But you need to do your part in keeping everyone safe too (I have two other rescue dogs as well but they were much bigger). We are a team. " From that day on we never had another instance of purposeful harming of the animals.
I must say thiough too my big guy had a birthday last week and his behaviour was soo horrible that we cancelled our traditional great wolf plans. We did dinner out, cake and a few gifts but I did scale it way back. He is 6 and I did want him to learn consequences for his actions. He really thought up until the day was over that we were still going. His behaviour this week is much better and we will go to an indoor waterpark (not the same or overnight) just for the day next week. At that point it will be a reward for making the good choices now that he is so much older at 6!
It is soo hard when you are caught up in the moment. Good luck