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I had my first Homestudy visit yesterday. Everything went great. Except when he said there was a note attached to my file. He read the note to me, and then we had a huge discussion about it. It said no sexually abused female to be placed with males. That hit a nerve with me. I do not want a child who is uncomfortable with me, but the note is not that. Its a blocker. Do the single females files have on them that no sexually abused male can be placed with them, from what the interviewer said "NO" , it is only on the single male files. That is discrimination in my book, but not going to say anything to the interviewer about it. Dont want to end up on bottom of stack and never get chosen :( I understand that an abused female child might not want a single father, but what if it was the mother who did the abusing and they only want a father?? I know of many cases like that and a few personally. So just emotionally high from the interview and punched in the GUT from the note. What should I do, Dont want to risk placement though. :sick: :grr:
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Any rejection hurts. There is a reason for this. When we girls get sexually abused, we learn how to get attention in an inapropriate way. As an adult, I'm sick of what I got for attention.. how it made me feel; how strong and noticed i felt when adult men "appreciated" me. As a kid, tho.. I only saw it as someone thinking I was special. I'd dress, act, do whatever to get that attention Now, you may be "above" being worn down by this "attention". That puts you in the minority. CWs can't know this about you without risking the safety of an already harmed child The second risk is unfounded charges. Some sexually abused kids make false allegations when they don't get attention.. or when they want attention from CWs.. or when they're mad at their parents for a myriads of reasons. They've learned saying to magic words gets a reaction. Without an another adult in your home, you are defenseless against these allegations. Are you upset because you wanted a sexually abused female? Or just because of the general rejection? I do think your CW should have better explained this.
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I was just put out. It doesnt matter to me either way. I would prefer not, but have had interactions with abused kids with where I worked and in my life. Cant post that here, hasnt gone to trial yet. but understand what you say. but if u reread my post, i understand why it is practiced like that, but to have a HUGE note on the front of your file stating that is like "I'm being accused of the action" without ever even defending it. Sorry, hard to word it, but I hope you understand. And yes, I would be above it. :cop: is my part time job, tracking down offenders. I just needed to vent my "Being Labeled". If the world was a perfect place, all kids would be healthy, happy and loved. But being adopted myself, I have a greater understanding of what it is like to feel unwanted and loved at the same time. restating the part about the female abuser, I know personally some children that the mother abused, and they (females) dont want a mother, but are part of a larger sib group and I have no room for the full set. So, being generically "Labeled" is like a punch in the GUT, and I dont like it. I said I understand it, just dont like it.
I have read so many stories, here and elsewhere on the net. I do understand the position of Wcurry, and I know of the manipulation, it isnt just the parents of the abused that they try to manipulate, it is also the people around them, Coach, Teacher, Etc. And I understand this, and if it had been explained this way by my interviewer, I would have not had an issue. The issue was not with the reason, it was with how it was described to me, or lack of description, and just shown the note on the front of my file. And I Pray Wcurry, that people above the influence is not a minority, but a majority, as it is a very bad thing to fall into. I apologize that I could not describe it better in my first post, but it is hard for me to put my feelings into words and have them make sense. :thanks: I will prolly not even bring it back up to my interviewer on Monday, and just let it drop.
I appologize if I made you feel like you didn't get your thoughts across or feel like its unsafe to vent. By all means, vent away. we all do I was trying to help you understand that its not personal, not is it about "you". In fact, most of what you'll find in the foster/adopt world is not about the individual provider. We are resources for CWs focused on the kids. If you read th threads here for a while, you'll see loads of frustration in this vein. I do understand not liking being labeled. . and i definitely understand sexism. When it comes to these kids, CW's don't take most cases individually. they can't afford to. They seem to so a lot by statistics. If there's a 20% chance for a false allegation/re-abuse if you go with one group vs 10% with another, they'll go with the lower percentage. FWIW - LWs will weed out potential homes. Too many people like the idea of helping a kid in need, but aren't up for the reality. Prior to being placed with a child, you'll have pretty much all your buttons pushed. Most people don't make it through. If you are committed and can have a tough skin, you'll have no problem good luck
No what you said is fine, I guess I knew why the note was there, just it wasnt explained too well, and it just hit me funny, we talked about that if I was a female seeking a male child, no one would bat an eye, and it should have been explained better without the reverse analogy. That just planted the wrong seed of why, like it was just because I was male. And I have trouble explaining, hope I did better in this one. Thanks Wcurry :) i feel better, :flower:
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And you aren't going to believe this: CW came into my home, and after a few minutes of questions and pleasantries, said: Well if all you want to adopt is sexually abused females, then we will take the note off of your file. I'm sure my face read volumes in that instant. :grr: So after 10 minutes of explaining and telling him comments from our last meeting. He apologized, and then we got going on the right tract. I was prolly still wearing the OH POO look on my face, but things went very well after that was straightened out. But, he said the note would still be removed from my file. I hope its straight, yes, I do want to adopt females, a sibling pair of 2 or 3. I only have nieces, 6 to be exact, so not wanting to rock the boat. He seemed so much more eager to talk after we got that talk behind us. He mentioned that my study would be done in 2 weeks and he was going to start on writing it today. Now, waiting again. never gets any easier. Just totally blown away with the conversation in the beginning of the last interview, but funnily enough, he didnt seem too bothered with the wrong information. Just glad I had a chance to talk with him before my study was either written, or denied because of erroneous facts.
Now I cant get an email or call returned, Hope I didnt make him mad at me. Its the last thing I would ever want to do. Know I need to learn patience, but the waiting is starting to get to me. Rooms been ready, all construction in "kids" bathroom done, have evicted all the dust bunnies, you can eat off most surfaces in my house, way too much chemicals mixing from my cleaning, even just got seed to re do the back lawn. Can you tell I'm Anxious??? It will be worth any amount of waiting I know, and I also know I don't want to rush any of the processes, or the people, but just throw me a little info, occasionally, Please, Pretty Please :) :grr:
Things are going better, though most I have put in inquiries on fall under the first post info, not available for single male household, which I understand why and agree with. I have inquiries in on a few Sib groups, and I am hoping for one of Sib groups, though if I get a single, I will add as soon as I can. Thanks,
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I understand why it is that way, not an area by area scenario. I agree I do not want a female victim od SA that will try and manipulate me by trying to do something, or saying to a SW that I did something when I know I would never. So no, it's a self induced scenario. Not available for single male household is my terminology Not DSS or any of the adoption sites, it is the code my CW and I worked out for females that were SA and have tendencies to "show the wrong kind of affection" toward males. Unsure how to word that correctly, hopefully you will understand. I didn't understand all the info when it wasn't explained correctly, but now after taking many classes and reading all I can get my hands on, I know better! I can tell my SW at any time, I will take a SA female and she would have no problem with me, as an individual, she now knows me and who I am, but as a single male, I know what I can take and what I can't. So it is now self induced, there is no more piece of paper on my file, it was removed by the supervisor. Please don't think I am trying to push the SA issue, but after learning , I agree. Take the course offered by darkness to light.
Ignorance is bliss, finding out the truth can break your sanity. :hissy: Im approved to adopt and to foster. Just that the adoption side didn't send my paperwork to the Foster side, even though I have an email claiming they did. Now, does this also mean they didn't send my homestudy to the other caseworkers of the children I put inquiries on. Im now in a catch 22, if I complain, it might never happen, if I don't, it will never happen. :grr:
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